


All I See Is What Is Left Of Your Ghost

by silverliningingold



Category: Naruto
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Ambivalent Truce, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bonding, Canon Divergence, Canon Rewrite, Canonical Character Death, Closure, Eventual Heavy Angst, Five Stages of Grief, Fix-It of Sorts, Found Family, Friendship/Love, Ghosts?, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Healing, Hero Complex, Hope, Hurt Uzumaki Naruto, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mending Relationships, Mind Games, Naruto and Sasuke Being Mean To Each Other, Near Death Experiences, Protective Uchiha Sasuke, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Uzumaki Naruto-centric, can i offer you some tropes in this trying time?, enemies to friends to...?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 98,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23114533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverliningingold/pseuds/silverliningingold
Summary: Naruto loses Jiraiya in the in-between of painstaking stages.It's only fair he slowly learns to let go of his mentor in stages, too.{Or: Sasuke has the uncanny ability to show up with the worst timing, and he does so in the aftermath of Pain's raze, in the thick of Naruto's grief. Naruto experiences first hand death through every breath in and every breath out, through a loss so fathomless it taints his beliefs gray, through the harrowing notion that the world as a whole never amounted to the people he could have saved and the remaining he failed to; and through the detrimental realization that it always will. But past has oftentimes a funny way of catching up and Sasuke somehow takes the plunge to call him out on his bluff. Because, for once, Sasuke is the one who helps Naruto save himself.}The twist?"I think Naruto is haunted by a friendly ghost."
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Uzumaki Naruto, Gaara & Haruno Sakura & Hyuuga Hinata & Inuzuka Kiba & Uzumaki Naruto, Jiraiya & Uzumaki Naruto, Possible Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 234
Kudos: 286





	1. The Beginning Of The End Of The Beginning (Act I)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story about **grief.** And an eventual recovery. And everything in between. It's definitely going to get... heavy at times.
> 
> If you're expecting an extraordinary fic full of twists and turns and amazing plot and packed with action and time-travel and anything else just as outstanding and absurd then... this is not it? I'm sorry?? I'm sure you'll find some amazing stories out there, but this one centers around grief and what lies at the root of it, so please keep that in mind.
> 
> Also, I'm glad they didn't just gloss over Jiraiya's death in Naruto like so many manga/anime/shows in general seem to do. But at the same time I don't want to think that something as detrimental, as nasty, as terrible, as scary as grief can just be overcome by the hero/heroine 'focusing on bigger problems and forgetting about their loss'. It just doesn't work like that. And I've had this idea stuck in my head for over two years, and after pondering over it, and after personal experience, and after a couple of interesting movies, comics and stories, in the end I told myself... why not actually just write this out?
> 
> This is just a 'what if?' scenario on how Naruto's pain might have been addressed in a different way, please remember that. Also, yes, this is going to touch on the Kubler-Ross 'five stages of grief', but the stages are there more as 'lines' rather than an actual guide through it, because people are different and no one goes through experiences the exact same, especially traumatic ones. The plot of the original Naruto might change (drastically) in this story (because yes, I'm taking a whole lot of liberties with the plot), what you need to know is just that Tsunade never stopped being Hokage and it's been way too little since Jiraiya's death (ouch, that should have never happened). 
> 
> But this story is also going to be about _healing._
> 
> And mending relationships, and found family, and innocence, and more questions but eventual answers. And hope. And it's going to centre around Naruto. Yes, this is Naruto-centric because, ironically enough, Naruto is the protagonist of one of the biggest manga/anime of all times and... at times he was not even given the spotlight he deserves? His biggest struggles and issues were pushed under the rug in order for him to get 'stronger' and defeat everyone and everything around him and become the world's hero. But I think that before becoming a true hero he has to find peace within him- make peace with the broken parts of himself and slowly take a step forward from there.
> 
> I mean, come on people, Jiraiya was Naruto's biggest hero and the first person he truly considered like a father (yes, some might say Iruka was, but growing up I think Naruto saw him more as an older brother). I don't believe for a second this boy is not struggling through immense guilt and a hero complex the size of a planet. Give him time to grieve for God's sake.
> 
> ...And that's exactly what I plan to do here.
> 
> This is going to be... a wild ride for me. I literally can't believe I'm doing this. Up until now this one is going to be the most personal story I've ever written, and I'm just writing to make sense of my own experiences, so... really, please lower your expectations and your standards. Seriously, lower them. 
> 
> **Do not expect absolutely _anything_ out of this story and you won't be disappointed.**  
> 
> 
> **. . .**
> 
> **Pairings/Relationships? :**
> 
> **. . .**
> 
>   
> Besides a few lines here and there of canonical ones, you mean?
> 
>  _Well..._ there _is_ a possible _possibility_ of Sasuke/Naruto...
> 
> ...because the actual relationship between the two of them is... actually too complicated for me to define? So I really have no idea what's going to happen here? I'd really like to clarify if there's only going to be friendship between these two or... something more... but I honestly have no idea? Consider this a slow build of sorts? A slow burn? Slow... burning friendship?
> 
> But really, no relationship is the main or focal point of this. It's simply a story about grief and the eventual recovery and healing from it, and the connection and strength between people. There might be a few references in some chapters, but I honestly think writing about grieving characters jumping into a relationship could end up not only being spectacularly unhealthy, but downright toxic too (I've read a few kinds of fics like that and... _yikes)_ and I'll never write something of the like... so there's that.
> 
> So consider this just a _slow something_ in general okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After trying to re-build life as it was before Pain's attack while pretending the aftershock is not still hanging over him, the news of his ex-teammate's looming fate falls on short notice since Naruto has slowly started spiraling down a path of inner self-destruction.
> 
> That is, until Sasuke makes his appearance.

**Stage I: Denial**

_**'Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial.** _

_**It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.'**_

_**\- Elizabeth-Kubler Ross and David Kessier From 'On Grief and Grieving'** _

* * *

Naruto wears exhaustion like the precious air rhythmically expanding his lungs, again and again, and it's something he can't get rid of even if he wants to.

He wears pain like a punch to the gut. It doesn't leave bruises, being hardly visible at all- but the _hurt,_ he can feel it burning down to his core, feels it bruising the inside of his chest where his heart should be beating.

Not for the first time, he wonders how long he will be able to keep up this facade. He can already feel himself falling behind.

The restoration of Konoha has already started, he has not been keeping count (he can't, he _can't,_ because if he starts counting he will _know_ _for sure_ that what he lost _is_ _real),_ but it's definitely been days, definitely been weeks.

His fast recovery had not accounted for much, given that he has not been sent on any particularly important mission in a long while. He is also never on his own, but always with Team Seven, which lately only consists of him, Sakura and Sai. At first he thought Yamato's presence had been required for more pressing matters than carrying out missives to nearby villages, mostly asking for help or supplies, but maybe he just finds these boring – Naruto certainly does.

They are never even sent too far off the village, perhaps as a way to let them get their energies back after the tremendous attack and all the effort it has taken to build back their homes. The work everyone is putting in keeps showing results, he could even say that a few restored parts of the village are better now than they used to be- but the encompassing feeling of having lost something that will never grow back as it once was sometimes gets too overwhelming.

This new routine has been wearing him thin too, like everything else seems to do. Go on missions, which usually last no more than three days - and even that is a strain- and once back aid the rest of the ninjas in the reconstruction. But even so, he doesn't complain, he can't, because at the end of the day, while not ideal by any means of the word, it is an incredibly effective way to keep his mind busy. And lately more than ever he needs the distraction, anything to never stop and think things through.

And as the rebuilding after Pain's attack proceeds, the rest falls flat. Life is… stale, to say the least. His life, at least.

In a way, it's almost as if someone decided to pause the world. But he feels like too much of a coward to pause, too. Because if he does, if he stops to think about it, sooner or later he will have to _dig in._ (And he is too frightened by the prospect of coming up with bloodied fingers, all the words left unsaid lying broken in shattered shards of glass, heart a pulsing mess of cut up pieces. He _doesn't want_ to know what he might find underneath all this pretence.)

Although this day starts the same way all the others recently have, it does not end up with the same irritating structure as they all do.

His mood quickly plummets, turning sour, hitting a new and dangerous low after being on the receiving end of certain news. The _wrong_ kind.

It all started with one of the easier missions, it had only taken a few hours in total to complete and the three of them had even found the time to stop somewhere for a late lunch. Afterwards, Sakura had gone to help at the hospital, and Sai… well, no one really knew where Sai went most of the time and Naruto isn't interested in finding out either way.

Being by himself, he had decided to aimlessly wander around the forest, simply have a look around and let his thoughts soak in the surroundings. Thinking of the smallest, most useless things he could to keep himself distracted while enjoying the slight breeze and the blinding rays of sun, that even if blocked by the many leaves still somehow managed to shine through.

Until then, everything is normal by the recent standards the new definition of 'normal' has set.

But a brief encounter with one of the anbu members suddenly changes this, turning his day upside down. He is given a scroll and the instructions on how to open the seal, before being left on his own once again. Naruto eyes the weight of it in his hand with a small spark of curiosity at first, wonders for a moment what it could contain, maybe a slightly more difficult and exciting job on its way, it would help keeping him busier for longer. He finally performs the required jutsu and carefully unrolls the thick paper.

Once he starts reading, however, his _expectations_ (he never learns, does he? should have never even had those in the first place) get stepped on, crushed to pieces and just beaten to an inch of their short lived life. This could _not_ have been further from what he'd supposed he would find. And to think with everything that's happened already…

For a moment it feels like the world as a whole draws to a stop.

The more the words start making sense in his head, the worse he starts feeling.

If Naruto has to be honest, completely and utterly honest with himself, an actual feat he has not recently been able to succeed in, he is not exactly surprised by the fact in itself. What leaves him shocked enough to knock the breath from out of his dry throat is the array of names he reads.

In pure and black ink on the white starkness of the paper, _Sasuke Uchiha's_ name is glaring at him from the top of the list.

Naruto doesn't even notice he is not breathing anymore, the view goes slightly out of focus because the edges of the world are crumbling apart. Unconsciously, he lowers the scroll, his eyes fixed on the rough and damaged bark of a lonely tree somewhere in the general direction of his vision, but he isn't seeing anything.

Anything except for _his name._

The scroll feels heavy in his two hands. It is so, _so_ heavy, even if it's nothing more than a piece of paper. And to think a damn piece of paper could hold this kind of power… the choice of life from death.

Naruto has no idea how long he actually stays out there. With the passing of time, his breaths come out a little too laboured, stuttered, he can feel it in the way his chest constricts, can feel it in the way his throat closes up, but can't find it in himself to care. He can't explain what is going inside him, but there this very distinct and familiar feeling he can't seem to shake off anymore.

He feels... powerless. For what has already happened. For what will happen in the future. He can't get away from it, it's… _everywhere._

It's in _everything._

He lowers his head, fringe falling over his head protector in a way that almost hides his expression, hides him, his fingers tighten over the scroll, almost shaking. In a moment of barely subdued anger he quickly seals it back, but doesn't put it away. For some reason he keeps it in his hand, as if it's glued on, as if it'll hurt if he lets go of it, even if he feels like he would do anything to forget the reminder of it pressed against his palm.

Naruto suddenly starts to walk, fast, faster, until his feet lift up off the ground and the trees and the bushes and the specks of colors and the green all become just a blur for him to leave behind in a run.

He knows Sakura doesn't know about _this._ Hell, he knows that even Kakashi is not aware of their decision _yet._ He wonders who actually knows besides the Kages themselves.

Which is what begs the questions:

Why him?

Why did Tsunade have to let _him_ know first? How did she think he would react to this? What does she think will actually _happen_ now that he knows about it-

…That's right. What is going to happen _now?_

How is he going to face Sakura, knowing what is awaiting their… old teammate? How is he going to _hide_ this from her? Will he even be able to? Guilt was already crashing at his soul before this new discovery, and now…

Just… just what is he supposed to do in this situation?

He knows he is _supposed_ to fight back, he _knows_ he is supposed to. It's the right thing to do… isn't it? But, somewhere along the line… his priorities have shifted, changing with him. And so has his determination, his sense of justice and the strong will he seems to possess at the most desperate of times… it has all started wavering.

Somehow, it feels like he is dangerously balancing himself over a tightrope with no safe net beneath to break his fall.

It's nothing new either, feeling this way is definitely not something last-minute, or something that happened in the last few days. It has been… some time already.

As much as he tries to convince himself otherwise, everything surrounding him and inside of him seems so blank, so void, just bleak and unclear and… _useless._ Because whatever he does is just never _enough._ And how can he live with that? Knowing that even his _best_ efforts are not worth the ending.

In a moment of almost disorienting panic that takes hold of him, he halts in his steps and raises his head towards the sky. When he started heading for the village, the afternoon was tinted deep shades of orange, yellow and red melting into each other as the hours flew past, blurry and light enough to color the clouds. And now it has turned into a light blue hue that is slowly bleeding into a darker one, most of the clouds are gone. It's getting colder.

His other hand closes in a fist as he picks up his pace. He is going on autopilot now, one foot in front of the other, careful enough not to bump into anyone but uncaring enough to ignore everyone around him. He doesn't have the peace of mind for mindless conversation, not today, not since…

When he sees his apartment complex in the distance it's _almost_ a relief, he _almost_ feels better, he _almost_ starts running towards it, he _almost_ stops thinking about things he should not be thinking of.

_Almost._

Because all he has been thinking about lately is what he can do to help. From every waking moment to the mostly sleepless hours of the night, everything he has done is trying to find out any way he can to help. He has done everything in his power to _help._ But… is that not nearly enough? Is it all really for nothing in the end?

The questions sound harsh in his head, as harsh as his heart is pounding inside of him where he can feel its unrelenting beats hit the inside of his chest again and again while he tries to pry the door open in his haste, to get inside, because maybe once he gets in these four bland walls he might stop thinking, or feeling, or something, or anything, really. _Anything._

He doesn't stop until he gets inside the safety of his own room, and uses his body to keep the door closed, almost as if there is someone chasing him on the other side, and all he can feel is the beats of his heart now pounding inside his head, across his temples, in his ears, bringing a wave of dizziness as he turns and leans into the door, his forehead feels warm against the smooth, cold surface.

He breathes in the way Sakura had taught him years ago, holds it in until it feels almost too much, until his lungs start burning with it, and then slowly, _slowly_ lets it out. He does it again, and again. After the third one he loses count how many times he keeps repeating the process.

But he can't halt the thoughts rushing in his head and that is _not_ right.

He starts thinking about what to do, what can he do, again, but maybe, maybe he should… just… _stop._ Simply stop. Because maybe there is no specific reason why Tsunade would let him know first, right? And maybe there is no reason to question himself about it? And maybe there is no reason to keep asking himself questions he has no answers to.

And maybe he should just stop thinking altogether.

He opens his eyes - when had he even closed them? – and, hesitating, he lifts the scroll. He slowly detaches himself from the door, stares at the paper in his hand as if he could burn right through it.

And maybe… there is just no point after all…

He lowers it down again and exhales, the breath feels punched out of him. Letting his other hand slide down the flat surface he had just been attached against, he takes a tentative step back. His breathing is beginning to return to an almost acceptable level of normalcy, his brain feels slightly less messed up than before (at least this is what he tells himself).

Right when he is starting to seek refuge in the fallacious, and maybe darkest thoughts he has, a new voice suddenly breaks the silence and breaks him out of the spell.

"And what are you going to do about that?"

It takes a moment for Naruto to register it, more specifically fifteen seconds. Fifteen long seconds in which he understands that as much as he has been thinking about impossible questions, he is not the one to have asked this particular one. No, that was not him, but someone else. Someone else asked him this, someone…

His world comes crashing down.

Almost in slow motion, when the words filter over his brain, his eyes slowly widen, his lips part in disbelief and his lungs stop filling with oxygen.

Naruto freezes up from the shock.

He can't move. He can't breathe. He can't speak. He can't do _anything._ Because he suddenly recognizes it. That voice.

He _knows_ that voice.

And suddenly he is turning around so fast his neck hurts, but he ignores it. He is actually unable to feel the physical discomfort of his muscles straining with this new invisible pressure weighing down his torso so heavily he thinks his ribs are going to crack from the sheer force behind it, but he can't even focus on that.

Because the last person Naruto thought he would ever see is now in front of him.

The _last_ person Naruto thought he would see is now here, right _here_ , in his apartment, in his room, sitting on his _bed_ and looking at him as if _nothing_ could even remotely be out of place.

Even if _he_ is the one that doesn't belong in this place.

The scroll falls from his slackened grip, the dull thud it makes once it hits the floor goes unregistered. How could he even begin to register anything around him now, except for…

"...Sasuke?"

The name gets pushed out of his throat like bile and fresh relief at the same time, because of the news his head still has to wrap around to. He does not even remember _when_ was the last time he said his name. There is a light tremble going through his hands, and it feels like his legs might give out beneath him any minute now.

This is not happening. It's not- it's not possible. Sasuke is not here. Naruto knows with extreme certainty that Sasuke is currently with Orochimaru, so how could he even be… how-?

This is... this is _not_ him.

It's _not._

There is a small and almost playful smirk on his lips when Sasuke answers him. "In flesh and bones."

Sasuke never averts his eyes, Naruto doesn't even feel like he himself has the will to try. There is something hidden in there, somewhere deep, that he cannot even begin to hope comprehending in his frazzled state.

Sasuke tilts his head to the side, almost curiously so, and his eyes, while as focused and attentive as ever, are still showing that unfamiliar something Naruto can't put a name to. His smirk slowly wanes into something milder and more subdued, and then he is speaking again, and by this point it feels like the room will never stop spinning around them.

"Seems like we still have some unfinished business left to sort through."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know what I'm hoping to achieve with this story. 
> 
> But something will definitely come out of this... something definitely will.


	2. The Beginning Of The End Of The Beginning: (Act II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke nods towards Sakura and Sai, a self-assured smirk stretching the corners of his lips. "Ask them if they can see me."

The darkness surrounding him feels overwhelming in the worst kind of way.

A thick, vivid veil of black is slowly engulfing him in its claws, he tries to part his lips, to scream, but he is paralyzed. Sizzling panic settles deep into his bones. He thrashes in the suffocating hold, trying to break free of the unseen chains. Until he sees something-

No. It's _someone._

Sharpness pierces him, at the height of his chest. In the deepest recess of his mind he knows exactly what this feeling is.

Fierce, unbridled guilt comes to life inside of him like the first spark to a raging fire. It sets him alight with burning unforgiveness.

He knows exactly _who_ this someone is.

In the distance he can only catch a glimpse of a half-turned face and the distorted reflection of glowing redness. But it gives way to an innocent, dull shade of gray that reminds him of what he thought had been the better days. At least for him.

He makes another attempt at freeing himself, but when he manages to extricate his hand and reach in the distance…

He is already gone.

Darkness cascades upon him in waves, asphyxiating him, robbing him of his last breath-

_"Sasuke!"_

**.**

**.**

**.**

Naruto startles himself awake with a scream.

His heart is pounding somewhere deep in his throat and his body is trembling ever so slightly, feverishly, the lightest of tremors running through his fingertips. Beads of sweat line his brow and his breath comes out in rapid, ragged and heavy exhales as he tries to understand what happened.

Almost as if he just remembered to, he quickly scans around the room. He sees his bed, his furniture, the few scrolls and clothes thrown on the floor, the light streaming in through the half closed blinds. Finally letting out a shaky sigh, he wills his tense muscles to relax. He is currently inside his apartment, where everything is as monotonously familiar as usual… everything is fine.

It was just a dream.

Only a bad dream.

* * *

Team Seven is once again busy with the chores of the day. Which had involved another mission that Naruto has started referring to as 'time-wasting', and yes, he has yet to come up with an original name for them. Although this particular 'waste' only took away most of their morning, so they found the shade of a sturdy oak tree and decided to take a break and have an early lunch this time.

The grass feels crispy under Naruto and there is a distinct earthy smell surrounding them. It looks like it might start to rain any minute now, just like yesterday, and somehow the combination keeps him focused and at ease. It's enough to take his mind off of things as he pretends to listen to whatever Sakura is talking about, while Sai is… well, he doesn't really know what Sai is doing now, but who cares, Sai is weird anyway. He lets her chatter fill the empty space inside his mind and it is quite relieving, actually.

It doesn't go over his head how Sakura keeps throwing subtle glances at the amount of food he is taking with each bite. But he pretends not to notice it.

When there is a lull in conversation, they end up focusing on eating and taking a breather. Naruto alternates between looking at an anthill not far off from him, moving around the food in his lunchbox with his chopsticks without actually eating it, and catching the last glimpses of blue in the sky that is getting engulfed by the gray clouds.

As he stares at the blue slowly meshing with the gray, he is reminded of something. But he can't quite grasp what it is, can't find the energy to keep remembering, so he simply decides to ignore it. At one point he feels so relaxed he might just fall asleep right then and there.

"So... how is it going?" There is hesitance in Sakura's voice when she breaks the silence that has befallen over their group, but Naruto doesn't quite catch it.

"What?" He asks back absent-mindedly.

Her words come out quieter and just a tad more indecisive. "...The therapy."

If he had had his mouth full now, he might have choked.

Now _this_ is a can of worms he is not very willing to open.

Another change that had taken over his life was… this. After the recent events, the people in his life had apparently deemed hooking him into therapy sessions a good enough decision. Tsunade was the first to bring it up, of course Kakashi didn't have any objections to it and with how concerned Sakura was about it she had practically forced him to go as soon as she heard of it.

Of course what they also deemed good enough was taking this decision _for him_ without exactly thinking of consulting him first _._ But, whatever, it was not like he was going to put up a fight anyway. He was too tired for that. In the end he had reluctantly accepted, hoping the sooner he started the sooner it would all be over.

Naruto takes a sip of water because his mouth feels dry all of a sudden. He nods once. "It's fine."

Sakura's eyes fill with surprise. "Really?"

No. Not really.

Naruto thinks about the first meeting with the therapist. The office was stuffed with books which had the weirdest titles he didn't even want to think about, the uncomfortable chair he had to sit in for almost an hour, the bland walls he stared at pointedly because he couldn't even hold eye contact for more than three seconds.

Almost unconsciously his gaze falls back down on his food and he plays with his chopsticks for a moment, before quickly looking up again. He starts eating just to have half of an excuse to not elaborate further. "Really."

"That's good, Naruto. That's really good." Sakura's voice is soft and hopeful and there is a genuine gleam of relief crossing her features.

Naruto doesn't like lying. He has never liked it, and he never will… but what he's come to hate most is seeing the disappointment in the eyes of the people he cares about.

So, he forces out a little smile. "Yeah…"

Because what else can he do when he sees how happy Sakura is from the news? She needs it, she needs to be happy and focus on her own life, what she certainly doesn't need is to get weighed down by his problems. He doesn't want to worry her… he has never wanted to worry anyone…

"Wait, let me get this straight. You go to therapy now?"

Naruto ends up actually choking this time.

The mouthful of rice goes down the wrong pipe and he coughs, beating on his chest to try and get a breath in. Sakura is by his side almost immediately and he would appreciate the help, honestly, if the 'pats' weren't hits to his back. And Sai, of course, doesn't raise a finger, but simply watches like he is trying to study what is happening in front of him and use whatever he learns later in life, in most probably the wrong way, if someone were to choke right in front of him.

Naruto would have half a mind to complain about it, but he doesn't have time to think much, or at all, when he hears that voice again.

"That is... unexpected, to say the least."

He freezes.

Because that's not a new voice, it is not just a random one either. And it is definitely _not_ the voice of a stranger.

Slowly, Naruto cranes his neck to see behind him. The sight alone is almost like a hit and his lips automatically part in a silent gasp.

_Sasuke._

There he is, leaning on a tree with his arms crossed, one foot down and the other planted on the trunk, looking like the epitome of _nonchalant._ While Naruto feels like his world just turned downside up.

"You can go right ahead and ask them." Sasuke nods towards Sakura and Sai, a self-assured smirk stretching the corners of his lips. "Ask them if they can see me."

Naruto manages to unfreeze for a moment, which is strange considering his body and mind are mostly made up of icy shock, but it's enough for him to look at Sakura's eyes. However, if not for the concern he sees there at his sudden choking bit, she seems normal. Unfazed. The same goes for Sai.

Naruto is possibly going out of his head. Why isn't Sakura freaking out? Why isn't Sai ready to attack? Why are they not so much as _looking_ over at him?

"I..." Naruto's heart is working into overdrive, beating so hard he's starting to fear it will jump right out and leave a gaping hole behind. He tries to grasp at Sakura's forearm, tries to get her attention in some way, because for some reason even his words seem to have frozen in his throat and he can't seem to get past this stuttering mess. "C-Can… y-y-you... I-I-"

"Naruto, what's wrong?" Sakura rubs gentle circles over his back, not taking her eyes off of him. And that is what is seriously _worrying_ him because Sasuke Uchiha is standing just _a few feet away_ and instead she is acting like-

That's when it hits him.

…like she _can't_ even see him.

Naruto's eyes snap back to Sasuke's figure in astonishment. The racing of his heart is increasing and somehow it feels like a puzzle piece is finally starting to click into place.

"No, they can't." Sasuke puts into words what he had just been thinking, but he doesn't stop there, only adding more to Naruto's plate. _"You_ are the only one who can."

To say Naruto is in shock would be the biggest and most pointlessly pointed out understatement of the year.

At the moment, his thoughts can all be summed up into a singular, explicative question, which is:

 _'What the actual_ _fuck is going on?'_

A sudden breeze rushes past them and his attention flickers elsewhere without him being aware, distracted by the newcomer. It's one of the ninjas who has come to relieve them of their turn in today's mission.

It takes a few seconds for the exchange to sink in, and for Naruto to get to his feet, but almost immediately he berates himself for being caught up in the sudden interruption and quickly spins back around.

Sasuke is nowhere to be seen.

* * *

Sakura and Sai stare after their teammate as they part ways. Naruto declines the offer of making plans for later and waves off their concern- well, mostly Sakura's concern, Sai doesn't seem perturbed at all, or maybe that's just his default facial expression?- saying he feels a little under the weather and intends to go home to sleep it off.

"Today he… how do they say it?" Sai mumbles to himself as he takes out a book and flicks over a few pages, finally settling on one and reading out loud. "'He looks like he has seen a ghost.'"

Sakura sighs quietly in concern.

* * *

Naruto might be going crazy.

….It can't be anything but this, right? Two days in a row… it's just not happening… how _even-…_

Similar thoughts are going around in a loop inside his mind as he makes his way back to his apartment, feeling more than just a little paranoid.

His eyes linger over the streets, over the people he passes by, torn between thinking it's all a bad dream he has yet to wake up from, and thinking he will see Sasuke appear around the corner any minute now. But the second option sounds far less appealing than the first, so he speeds up the pace to get back home as soon as he can.

In fact, once he is behind the safety of his door everything is back to normal.

That is, until he turns around.

"Hey." Sasuke greets, once again sitting on his bed and once again looking so at ease it's almost like he owns the place. "Took you long enough to get back."

Naruto almost falls from the shock.

"…Y-You…" He shakes his head, plastering himself to the door and hoping he would fuse with it somehow, or wishing that the ground would just open up and swallow him whole by this point. "-wha…how…n-no…no, no, no, no… this is not happening right now…"

"Talking to yourself over there?" Sasuke tilts his head in his direction and his tone suggests Naruto is being mocked. "I hear it's one way to sort through the thoughts. Don't know about it actually being effective, though."

Naruto decides to ignore whatever is coming out of his mouth, opting to continue shaking his head in disbelief. In a brief moment of panic he even closes his eyes, as if that will make everything disappear.

And when he opens his eyes again, he still finds Sasuke there. Of course.

…Well, to be honest his poorly devised plan of having people disappear by closing his eyes never seems to quite work out, maybe he should start thinking of more efficient ways.

Even so, in his mind he is still trying to actually rationalize the situation and draw a possible explanation for… well, _this._

"Did Orochimaru send you here to take the Kyuubi from me?"

This is it. This is the rational explanation he comes up with.

Of all things to do in this scenario, Sasuke fucking _snorts._ "You're kind of reaching a little over there, don't you think?"

"Did you come here to kill me and take the Kyuubi for yourself?" But Naruto can't seem to stop drawing his own _rational_ conclusions.

Sasuke tilts his head back and stares up at the ceiling, as if he is actually thinking about whatever is spilling out of the blond's mouth, and hums in contemplation. "Now, I'm no expert, but you have to admit that does sound like a poorly executed movie. It would definitely end badly for one of us, maybe both."

Completely ignoring whatever Sasuke is talking about, Naruto keeps going. "…Oh God… are you here to get rid of me and take my place as the new _me?"_ He practically gasps in horror at the thought.

And, okay, maybe he should have eaten something more substantial because he definitely feels lightheaded and not conscious enough to be aware of what is actually coming out of his mouth. And, okay, he is also definitely reaching by this point. But his brain is being turned upside down, there are currently a thousand scenarios- most of them absolutely crazy- he is coming up with and he bets some of the girls wouldn't even mind that outcome. Kiba would definitely be fine with it, the idiot.

"Again, no expert in this field, but that does sound like a comedy. There's definitely ground for jokes in such a scenario, don't you think?" Sasuke keeps answering with the same easy-going and diverted tone, as if it's no big deal and whatever Naruto is saying is actually too ridiculously stupid to give it an ounce of seriousness.

"Well, I'm glad you seem to have kept your sense of humor." Naruto mutters in a flat tone. Then stops in his tracks, brows furrowing as he thinks it over. "…Actually, I don't think I have ever heard you crack a joke before… do you even _have_ a sense of humor?"

Sasuke rolls his eyes, he almost looks offended. "Of course I do, you just never understood it."

Naruto deadpans. "I doubt that."

"You want an example? You have no idea what sarcasm is if you're not the one being sarcastic."

"That's not true!"

"It actually is."

Naruto is ready to rebuke, but he stops short. Because in the moment he starts noticing things he had not before.

For example, the fact that Sasuke is not carrying weapons with him, at least not anything visible, his katana is definitely missing. His clothes are different too, instead of the outfit Naruto had last seen him in, he is now wearing some dark pants, a lighter short sleeve unbuttoned shirt with the collar coming up to his neck, and a darker, sleeveless shirt underneath.

Even his hair is different, being shorter than Naruto can remember, and pushed a bit to the sides, except for the fringe falling messily over his eyes and replacing the bangs parted in the middle he had last seen him with. Naruto thinks if Ino and the other girls were to see him now, they would probably swoon all over him.

Coupled with that playful smirk that seems to be part of his every facial expression, everything about Sasuke's appearance screams c _asual._ It's strange, but it's almost as if Naruto being given the shock of his life by finding his ex-teammate in his room for two days in a row is nothing short of a casualty, a pure coincidence.

These, however, seem useless details compared to what comes to attention next and how it should have probably been the focal point.

His chakra. Or lack thereof.

No matter how much he is trying, Naruto can't sense any type of chakra coming from Sasuke. It's almost like it doesn't even exist.

"How… your… chakra?" He asks like an idiot, but he can't help it, he _feels_ like an idiot. And he feels stumped, and uneasy, and small for some reason, like he can't handle what life is throwing at him.

"I don't have it." Sasuke answers in the most lighthearted tone one could possess.

"What the hell?" Naruto really doesn't have any other words. Except, he does. He has a mess of words clogging up his vocal cords that he wants to let out, but finds himself unable to. "…That's impossible… "

"Is it?" Sasuke asks back, like him not having chakra is normal for some reason.

"Are you suppressing it?" Naruto narrows his eyes in wariness, even if there is a burning curiosity inside of him because he just wants to _find out what is actually going on._

"No." Sasuke shrugs, looking natural, and composed, and _sincere_ of all things. "I just don't have it."

Naruto scoffs. "You're lying."

But Sasuke raises a brow, staring at him as if he is perplexed by his continuous denial. "And why would I lie?"

Oh, Naruto has a hundred and one reasons he could think of right off the bat.

He makes a sound that's something between an annoyed sigh and an incredulous huff. "What are you talking about? You'd be dead without your chakra."

Sasuke doesn't say anything, simply staring at him like he is trying to prove a point and all that does is make Naruto feel uncomfortable. His body wants to draw in on itself and it feels like a storm of needles is falling all over his skin. The building tension has cold sweat gathering at his nape in anticipation of something- _anything_ that might happen next.

"Sasuke…?" He doesn't know what he is expecting, but he needs to hear something. He needs an answer. He needs to know he is not just going crazy.

"You don't believe me?" Sasuke's question comes off quieter this time, more serious, as if he is worried Naruto might really doubt him.

Naruto almost scowls at the thought, because why should he believe him? Actually, why should he believe anything this guy is saying? For all he knows this could be _anyone,_ and he could be here for any reason at all, most of them involving Naruto as a possible target. He has to defend himself, he has to do something, to fight him… but- his body just _won't move._

He is stuck in place, as if his limbs stopped taking commands from the signals his brain is sending over and just decided to give up after Sasuke's appearance. But there is a part of him, a small, almost insignificant part inside of him, that doesn't think his reaction is completely due to the shock... There is something in Sasuke's eyes he can't quite decipher, all he knows is that it reminds him of the Sasuke he _knew-_ and Naruto, for a moment, thinks that no one would ever be able to fake that. It feels too real to be a simple play-pretend.

"You're not him…" He whispers, but it's uncertain, like he is trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

Sasuke keeps looking at him with those _eyes._ "…If I'm not him, then who am I?"

Naruto doesn't know.

"…Who are you?" He asks back with the lightest waver in his voice. He tries to take control of the situation, of his thoughts at least, but everything is all over the place and a little too overwhelming at the moment, his brain is working overtime to try to keep him to cope. He doesn't even leave him the time to answer because it seems his mouth is working overtime too, trying to put order inside his messy head. "You… you're not really here."

Naruto concludes, because he knows this can't be real… can it? No, this can't be Sasuke. He really _can't_. Even inside his head he sounds desperate to believe so.

"Are you-" Naruto falters for a second, hardly being able to think. "…What are you?"

 _"What?_ Nobody taught you it's rude to objectify people?" There it is again, that playfulness to his tone, cracking a joke, and Naruto still has to wrap his mind around the fact that apparently someone with Sasuke's face is _capable_ of making jokes and giving smirks that look friendlier rather than more menacing. But Sasuke is also giving him this doubtful look, like he is as bewildered by the question as Naruto feels by his appearance.

His brain comes to a halt and the otherworldly scenarios just spill right over his head, which is more than clear by the question he asks next.

"…Are you a ghost?" He blurts out in the heat of the moment.

And, alright, it is ridiculous, he knows it is, but everything about what is going on inside this room is kind of ridiculous anyway, so why not go for the craziest possibility yet?

Sasuke's eyebrows draw to the center of his forehead in a show of confusion, but his expression does hint at amusement too when he lets out a quiet chuckle. "A ghost? You know what, I think you might really be onto something here. Add in a sprinkle of some other spiritual being and an unbreakable bond, too. And there you have a plot for what might end up being a mildly popular sci-fi movie." He leans forward and puts his chin on his hand, elbow resting just above his knee. He looks comfortable, as if what is currently taking place is normal, an everyday conversation happening between friends. "Ever thought of a change in career? I'll say, you could try for movie director."

"…Are you-" Naruto stops, frowning. "Are you making fun of me right now?"

"Am I?" Sasuke shows him once again that edgeless type of smirk that doesn't belong to him.

"Wait-" Naruto shakes his head as if to rid it of all the rushing questions, but that is impossible given that there are a million and more fighting in his mind.

However there is one that remains the more prominent over the rest.

"...Why are you here?"

The corner of his mouth lifts up in what turns out to be a sympathetic smile. Naruto doesn't really understand why Sasuke makes that kind of expression, until he is answering.

"I was hoping you'd tell me that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, let me just add: he can't actually be the real Sasuke... or is he??


	3. Three Time's A Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But in all answer, Sasuke's smirk only grows and so does the mischievousness showing on his face. "Hey, take me to dinner first. Then we can get to the 'touching' bit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a few chapters this story will fill with angst and heaviness and sadness... but for now I tried to keep it as light-hearted as possible, there will definitely be some crack in this story because I'm too used to Gintama and I can't have angst without some kind of humor to pair with, even if it's my sh*tty one I'm sorry, so, there's that.
> 
> (Alternative title: If First And Second Impressions Aren't Everything Then You Should Try For A Third!)

"Hey, c'mon! Wait for me!"

A twelve year old Naruto is trudging behind his teacher and his other two teammates with a scowl plastered across his face (that is truthfully more of a pout). The rational complaints (annoyed whines) on the tip of his tongue are interrupted here and there by the occasional yawn.

He's tired. No, actually, scratch that, it's an understatement. He is exhausted, so much that he has trouble keeping his eyes open. His usually endless reserve of liveliness and energy is replaced by a wave of lethargic drowsiness that takes over him step after step, making him feel somewhat of a zombie.

Team 7 spent the last three days on a D-rank mission that was supposed to be a walk in the park- they had to return a cat to a nearby village. That was it. Naruto had even whined about the unchallenging mission - _'I'm gonna die of boredom like this!'_ \- which was answered with, - _'No one has ever died of boredom before,'_ \- to which Naruto had countered with - _'But Kakashi-senseeeei! I'm gonna be the exception here!'_

But of course the mission did not go as planned, with their team this was quickly becoming a routine of sorts, so it was almost unsurprising that after a day and a half they were ambushed in the middle of the trek.

Naruto had not recognized where the enemies were from, Kakashi had definitely mentioned it but he would be the first to admit he wasn't paying much attention to begin with. As much as he loved the thrill of fighting against skilled ninjas, this quickly turned into more of a challenge than he could have initially anticipated.

Which is how, after finding himself outnumbered and backed into a corner with the bad guys having the upper hand, he… didn't really remember much about what happened next.

Well, except for the chakra filling up his body all at once, it seized the energy inside of him and released it in a burst so powerful he thought for a moment he had been thrown out of his body. When he had come to, they had apparently managed to fight off the ninjas, and Sakura was looking at him with a sort of wonder mixed with concern, Sasuke with questioning eyes, and Kakashi, for a change, was way too serious. But, just like the mission they completed, this too is a bit of a blur.

What _is_ crystal clear, however, is the exhaustion now hanging over him like a heavy cloud. He feels as if someone took a straw and sucked the last tendrils of his stamina, draining him. Given that they are still getting used to the workload and carrying out missions as a team, Naruto wonders if this sense of fatigue is common after such a fight and if it is something every other ninja experiences.

"Kakashi-sensei! Sakura-chan!" The boy calls again, completely aware it's a useless attempt at getting their attention since Kakashi is already way ahead, having said he wanted to drop off the mission's report to the Hokage as soon as possible, and Sakura is right behind their teacher since she wanted to head home sooner because of some errands she had to take care of.

And that would be fine, really… if Sasuke wasn't the one he has been left with.

They have practically arrived now, with Sasuke waiting near the gates of Konoha and looking positively bored (if boredom was a person it would totally have Sasuke's face, Naruto is certain of that). It's as if waiting for him is somehow a favor that Naruto owes him, the bastard.

"Teme! What are you looking at?!" He yells at him from a few feet away, already unnerved even if his teammate hasn't quite done anything to spite him – yet.

Sasuke barely scoffs in reply. "Hn."

Naruto grits his teeth, doing his best to hold back from picking a fight ('throwing a tantrum' is what Kakashi would call it).

Sasuke gets on his nerves. This is undoubtedly an unmistakable truth. What with that brooding attitude he possesses. And his arrogance, thinking that by merely existing he is already better than anyone else. The idiosyncrasies that make him up should be classified as an unending record, with each and every one of them pushing at Naruto's buttons in predictable yet unexpected ways. There are many, _many_ ways in which Sasuke can be infuriating. But the apparently insignificant and undetectable details, those stick to him like glue.

A few examples include: how Sasuke never wants to be with others, he would rather choose to sulk in his own company than bask in everyone else's. He is always training on his own, Naruto has caught him once or twice doing so well into the night, and he acts as if that is reason enough to be held to a greater standard than the rest of them. He has this way of talking, always curt and too blunt, disrespectful and straight to the point, he is never interested in troubling himself with putting careful thought behind what spews out of his mouth. Whenever he makes the effort to acknowledge that other people exist beside him, it is simply as a way for him to criticise and deprecate anyone who is not on his level (Naruto has been on this end more often than he wants to admit). And except for reaching his goals he doesn't seem to care about much of _anything,_ absolutely _nothing._

But even if Naruto finds him this unlikable and unapproachable, and even if Sasuke simply talking to him the wrong way is enough to instigate him, he can't help but… wanting to befriend him (only occasionally).

With the passing of time, however, he has started thinking that Sasuke might just end up being… unreachable.

Day by day, he can see him getting stronger. Truthfully, they all are. It's an undeniable fact. And Naruto won't certainly let himself be surpassed so easily, he _knows_ that. But when he gets in over his head, when it sinks in and he has enough time to _think_ about it, he sometimes fears that the slight gap between them since the academy days will sooner or later threaten to become an abyss… and one day he might be left behind.

One day, when he'll raise his head to look forward, he won't find Sasuke in front of him anymore, just out of his reach. He will be left seeing his fading shadow, because Sasuke has moved too fast and too far ahead for him to follow.

He doesn't want to admit this and tries his hardest to convince himself of the opposite, but it might just be one of his biggest fears. And even so…

...Sasuke is now waiting for him at the entrance of the village.

Naruto stops a dozen feet away from him, almost unconsciously, keeping his distance.

"You're slowing us down." Sasuke utters, although without any bite to his words.

They both know this is not true since their teacher and teammate are long gone by now, but neither comments on it. Instead Sasuke's eyes are fixed on him, as if looking for a reaction.

Naruto doesn't move.

Sasuke doesn't, either.

He stands where he is, as if he has all the time in the world. As if he has nowhere to be once they go their separate ways. As if he would just keep waiting, if only Naruto asked him to.

Which is not true because Sasuke never does what Naruto tells him to, unsurprisingly.

But he also never turns out to be the way Naruto imagines him to be, surprisingly.

Sasuke is… unexpected, to say the least.

And that is infuriating in its own regard, because he can't seem to decipher him. He can't tell what goes on through his mind. He can't predict what his next move will be. He can't anticipate when Sasuke will end up being a huge pain in the neck or the rare, _rare_ occasion when he… won't.

No matter how much he tries _,_ and he _tries_ _so hard,_ it seems like Naruto can never get to know who Sasuke is. And that grates on his nerves all the more.

Sasuke is just so guarded, constantly rising his defenses all at once as if he doesn't even know how to be open, always wearing this _'perfect'_ mask that Naruto can't seem to break. Sometimes it almost feels like Sasuke is standing on the other side of a locked door that Naruto can't seem to find the key to.

But at the same time he thinks Sasuke is perfectly aware of it, almost as if he wants to hide away.

The fact that he can't seem to figure him out makes Naruto want to scream in frustration, sometimes, and it also makes him want to punch him in his perpetually scowling face, if only to get the answers he so desperately wants to know.

 _But,_ there is no way he will give up! Oh no, he has never been one to leave once the game gets tough and he definitely doesn't plan on starting anytime soon.

Ultimately, Naruto has sworn to himself that he will find out just _who_ the real Sasuke is. No matter what.

…and maybe this is one of the reasons why he ended up getting so attached to Sasuke.

Considering what happened in the aftermath, he really shouldn't have.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Naruto's eyes fly open and he gasps for air.

He sits upright from the shock, hunching over, head pounding against his palms and nails digging in his skin to remind himself he is awake now. He tries to slow down and deepen his breaths, chest caving in and expanding with the oxygen filling his lungs, but the mixture of leftover dream and memory is making everything so much _worse._

When he thinks he finally has some semblance of control over himself he gradually lets his body fall slack underneath the heavy weight inside his mind, exhaling audibly in the emptiness of his room.

"Bad dream?"

The voice barely registers at first in his fuddled and sleep-rendered brain, and when it does he answers with a half-hearted nod. "…Uh, yeah. Something like that, I guess-"

Naruto's mouth snaps abruptly shut when he remembers he actually lives alone, which means his apartment should be _empty_ and there should be no voice greeting him awake. And certainly not this voice, one that sounds far _too_ familiar to his ears. He moves his hands away from his eyes, almost frightfully so, peering up through his fingertips at the owner of the aforementioned voice-

And finding himself face to face with him.

"What the fu- _woah!"_

The surprise is enough for him to instantaneously lean back, finding nothing but air keeping him upright. Of course he tumbles down, falling off the bed and right on his face.

Naruto groans pitifully from his new position, and takes a few seconds to silently debate with himself whether or not to stay on the floor and simply pretend nothing is going on because he is way too tired to be having this kind of shock first thing in the morning.

Then he suddenly remembers _who_ the shock is caused from.

He tries getting up, but after failing to do so he pushes himself on the cold floor and forces his weight away, scrambling until his back meets the sturdy coolness of the wall. "Who the hell are you!?

"I thought it might have just been the shock yesterday but… hey, not to be rude or anything but you don't suffer from short-term memory loss or something, do you?"

Naruto's eyes widen comically at the words and, swift like whiplash, distinct events resurface to the forefront of his mind.

Events that took place yesterday.

And the day before.

This voice, the face (although the attitude is questionable), they belong to the teammate he was just having a dream/nightmare/memory about.

And Naruto realizes he has another issue.

This particular issue is sporting jet black hair, a friendly grin slanted across his face, and wide and curious eyes currently looking down at him.

His issue's name is Sasuke Uchiha.

And, well… _shit._

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke- he has yet to decide who this actually is and what exactly is he supposed to call him in the meantime: Imposter Sasuke? Fake Sasuke? Sasuke 2? - are now locked in a staring contest after a brief conversation in which Sasuke- again, not _real_ Sasuke- repeated most of what he'd said the previous day.

Naruto is now sitting cross-legged on the edge of the bed, with his back plastered to the wall. For some reason a pillow managed to sneak in there, which he's now protectively holding in his arms. All the while he's trying to maintain a certain distance and keep himself alert for any imminent attack, because he does _not_ trust…. _this guy._

Sasuke – or whatever you want to call him – is instead sitting on the other end of the bed, with one knee folded in, elbow resting in the crook of it and chin on his hand, appearing as normal as one possibly could and, again, it's almost difficult to believe he doesn't belong here.

"…So." Naruto begins with no shortage of hesitation, trying to summarize this whole ordeal and maybe even give it somewhat of a sense - because if he reruns it enough times in his head this _will_ start making sense, right? - "You say you are… _Sasuke."_

Sasuke nods as if that is the truest and only possible answer. "I am."

"For some strange reason you… don't have chakra?"

"That's right."

"And you're not here to…" Naruto almost winces, trying to find the right words but mostly coming up blank. "…cause any… uh, trouble?"

A slow grin lifts up one corner of Sasuke's mouth. "No."

Naruto's eyes squint distrustfully, as if expecting the exact opposite. "Also… you don't actually know why you're here."

"Nope."

"And you don't know how long you're going to be here…"

"Not a clue."

Naruto's eyebrows slowly pinch together in apprehension, he frowns at the next question out of his mouth. "…But you think this has something to do with me?"

Sasuke practically snorts at this one, leaning back on his hands and thus creating another sliver of distance between them that soon gets erased with his fixed stare pinning Naruto into place. Self-assured certainty pours out of his every pore with every word he utters. "Oh, I definitely think this has everything to do with you."

If possible Naruto's brows furrow even more whilst the cogs in his brain whir and turn, and he is pretty sure there is an impending headache waiting for him right around the corner with all this unwanted thinking. He nods. "Okay." Then pauses, shaking his head. "Well, this is impossible."

"Why?" Sasuke asks as if it's a legitimate question in this situation.

"Because you… you're not really him?" It is meant to be an exclamation, but it also comes off as more of a question.

"You think I'm not?"

"I-" Naruto stutters, flabbergasted. "I… don't know! You tell me!" The more he tries to figure out whatever is going on, the more he gets lost. Yesterday's encounter brings a strange sense of déjà-vu.

"Well, it's me." Sasuke shrugs as if the answer in itself holds little relevance. "I'm your teammate." But the way he frames his answer makes it come across as the complete opposite, his words sound too genuine to be faked.

"Ex-teammate." Naruto corrects in a bout of absent-mindedness, only realizing seconds later the sudden harshness that has seeped in his tone. He almost grimaces at it.

But Sasuke seems more amused than anything. "Oh, are we giving out titles now? My bad, should I start calling you 'feather-head' or 'scatterbrained blondie' since it's been two days already and you keep forgetting about me?"

"Hey!" Naruto falters mid-retort for a moment. "That's not my fault!"

"Oh, isn't it?"

"Well, excuse me if I'm in a bit of a shock here!?" He asks loud and vexed, even if the question is more on the rhetorical spectrum. After letting out a weighty, world-weary sigh he drags a palm across his face, accentuating his distress with a low grumble. "Fine, let's just… drop that for now."

Following the other's example he decides to lean back too, in the process strangling his pillow after the immediate and sharp realization he has nothing better to do to keep his hands occupied lest he starts fidgeting.

With the way he's staring at him he might as well be trying to crack the trickiest puzzle that magically manifested itself in front of his eyes. But all throughout, while Sasuke keeps his cool about him, Naruto is trying to keep the panic inside his mind from taking over his body in a frenzy.

Breaking the sudden lull in conversation, he huffs almost indignated. "What are you?"

Sasuke lets out an audible sigh, dragging his eyes to the ceiling in what seems to be a moment of exasperation. "When are you going to drop the 'what'?"

Naruto's eyes narrow pointedly as he retorts. "When are you going to start telling the truth?"

"This _is_ the truth!" Sasuke exclaims, a bout of laughter trickling into his voice. "Why don't you want to believe me?"

"Because _this-"_ He proceeds to make a vague gesture with his hand that is meant to indicate Sasuke. "-can't be _happening!_ The real Sasuke Uchiha is somewhere else right now. Maybe hiding in one of those secret locations villains use to-"

He gets talked over by the mocking sound of, _"'Villains?'_ How many superhero movies have you watched lately?"

"-and there's really no way you can be him!"

Sasuke hums after his small outburst, leaning more weight on his hands behind him, seeming thoughtful. "Well, it's probably true anyway."

"See!" Naruto practically howls in triumph. "I told you-" As the seconds tick by however, he stops, his face pinching in evident confusion. "Uhh… what is true?"

At his dumbfounded expression, Sasuke's small grin only widens. "That he's probably somewhere in a 'super secret alcove', or whatever you want to call it."

Crossing his arms, Naruto nods to himself. "Yes, I told you."

Then the words, they sink in, deep enough for him to _register_ them.

 _"What?!_ So you're _not_ him!"

"I _am_ him!" Sasuke interjects with as much fervor, before shaking his head. "Wait, let's stop that, talking about yourself in third person sounds really weird, you know?"

"But- But you said… you-?" Naruto suppresses a groan amid his stuttering bewilderment, gripping at his own hair in frustration because this is not making _any_ sense and he's going crazy over it. "Just _what_ is happening right now?!"

"I don't know much more about this than you do." Sasuke glances to the side with a mumble, seemingly a bit disappointed at his own answer.

Naruto rubs his face in an attempt at keeping it together and busies himself with drawing in a deep breath, his lungs burning with it. "So, you're telling me there's, what… _two_ … of _you_ right now?" The wavering words tumble out of his mouth before he can even come up with another imposter's theory.

Sasuke hums again, pondering over the question… before he bluntly replies with, "I think so?"

It takes Naruto a great deal of willpower to stop himself from face-palming, and maybe face-palm Sasuke in the process while he's at it, because what is supposed to be a revealing piece of information sounds anything but. Honestly, it would be more accurate to say he's being mocked. It also sounds like _this guy_ does not have the slightest clue about what's even coming out of his mouth.

"You…" He slowly frowns, repeating out loud. "…You think so?"

"I think so." Sasuke confirms with a nod, somewhat looking like a child who has no idea what is going on but pretends to anyway.

At this point Naruto goes straight up to drawing his own conclusions. Again.

"That's it…" He states in a low voice, letting the crushed pillow fall from his arms when he raises them above his head as if talking to a superior force. "…I'm fucked up. Let's just admit it. That's it, isn't it?"

Sasuke laughs, actually amused as he shakes his head at him. "No, you're not fucked up."

Naruto throws him a pointed look.

Stifling the remaining chuckles, Sasuke's face creases with a hint of seriousness (if it had been any other person, Naruto might have even considered this to be concern). "If you want my opinion, I think that now, in your own way… you're simply trying to work through things." He gives what's meant to be a little, reassuring smile. "That doesn't necessarily mean there is something _wrong."_

Naruto makes a face at that. "Oh, so seeing the… hallucination of someone who might just be on the other side of the world is 'working through things'. Yep. Right. That's completely fucking _normal_." He remarks sarcastically, even if his wide and frantic eyes ruin the effect of level-headedness he likes to think he possesses at all times and turn him into the more freaked out teenager version of himself that he actually is.

His 'guest' lifts his shoulders in a half-hearted shrug. "Listen here. There are like, what, thousands of people in this world, alright-"

"More like billions, actually." Naruto interrupts this time with an incredulous snort.

"-and we have no idea what happens to each and every single one of them. For all we know, there is at least someone else out there who is going through the same exact thing you are right now." And he _does_ sound like he has at least given this some thought and is actually trying to reason with him.

"…Right." But he is still met with a blank stare from him. "I highly doubt that."

Sasuke's expression crosses in what appears to be a mixture of frustrated and diverted. "Hey, you don't know that for sure. Don't be so diffident."

Naruto is ready to argue some more, but out of the blue a thought strikes him. And now that he thinks about it, it's something that he _can't_ just seem to shake off… and furthermore, it connects with the theory of… _ghosts._

Because if this person standing before him is really, _seriously_ a… ghost then, could he, maybe, well, is that even possible at all or-

"Can I-" Naruto blurts out in the middle of his thinking process before he can even attempt to stop himself… but ends up stopping anyway.

Sasuke – ghost Sasuke(?)- eyes him curiously. "What is it?"

"Uh, well, if you-" Naruto scratches at the back of his head and breaks the brief and one-way uncomfortable eye contact, unsure if he could even ask otherwise. Never in his life has he ever thought he'd have to ask such a question before, to _Sasuke_ nonetheless… or whoever, or whatever looks like him. "…if you're, you know, a, uh, hallucination, or, well…" _A ghost_ , but he really, _really_ doesn't want to say it out loud.

Sasuke seems to be patiently waiting for him to end with his fumbling, and Naruto doesn't know how to tiptoe around this. He truly doesn't have the slightest idea about how ghosts even work, except for the fact that ghosts are supposed to be scary, and this one is really not. And ghosts are also supposed to _happen_ when people die, right? Right. And with the utmost certainty, he feels it deep down to his core, he is absolutely sure that this is not actually the case. And the more he thinks about it the less it makes sense, and yes, he is definitely going crazy now.

"…Can I touch you?" Naruto finally spills out, feeling very uneasy- let's make that clear - but the rapidly increasing curiosity isn't letting him keep this thought to himself.

Because ghosts, or hallucinations, are not supposed to be… corporeal, or whatever. In that case, if he can touch him, then it would _absolutely_ make the guy in front of him an imposter who has borrowed the face and body of Sasuke. (…and the imposter apparently doesn't use an ounce of chakra? But Naruto will try to go about this one incredulous problem at a time.)

However, if he truly _can't_ touch him, then… well, then Naruto should probably check himself into the nearest mental hospital.

Sasuke sees his turmoil as clear as the day and lets it play out, and Naruto itches to wipe that annoying smirk off his face in one way or another.

But in all answer, Sasuke's smirk only grows and so does the mischievousness showing on his face. "Hey, take me to dinner first. Then we can get to the 'touching' bit."

Naruto ends up choking on his own spit.

A moment of silence passes…

And Sasuke is cracking up. "Oh God, you should see your face right now, you're _so_ _freaked_ out!"

Naruto all but bristles with fierce irritation (and just a tiny little bit of mortified embarrassment). "T-That's not funny you idiot!"

But Sasuke is too busy cackling to listen to him, and in any other situation Naruto would be standing shock-still at such a display…

…oh, who is he kidding? Of course he is in _absolute shock_ at this Sasuke, who is holding his stomach and laughing whole-heartedly. Naruto remembers only very few and in-between occasions where Sasuke had even emitted a sound that remotely _resembled_ a laugh _,_ and it had been _years_ ago. This display in front of him now feels so… abnormal, to say the least.

"Oh c'mon, it was just a joke." The other boy relents once he is apparently done, and levels him with a friendly grin.

Naruto tries to reign himself in too, even though this whole ordeal still feels too surreal. Way too ridiculous to be true. He scowls, muttering under his breath. "And since when do you 'joke'…"

Sasuke tilts his head to the side, something shifts in the air between them, and the way he's looking at him now has something sort of intense wandering in his eyes. "You know, people do change."

Naruto's eyes lock with his and the words tumbling out of his mouth are immediate. "You don't." They once again sound more accusing than he intended for them to be and, in another moment of weakness, he almost takes them right back.

Sasuke doesn't seem affected by this either, with the way his lips slowly shape up in the curve of a smirk. "Funny you are the one saying that… when you look at me like you don't even recognize me."

Naruto opens his mouth, ready to rebuke… but falters.

The silence stretches for maybe too long. Something crosses Sasuke's features, something he can't quite explain in words, but the sight alone is enough to make something akin to hurt take up a small space inside his chest. Naruto ignores it.

In between passing moments, Sasuke's face is back to normal. Or the _normal_ of the past two days. "To answer your question…well… hmmmm…." Once again he crosses his arms, momentarily closes his eyes for more of a dramatic effect, and it all looks a little too exaggerated for it to be true, like he is putting on a show as a distraction. "Not really?"

Naruto has to make a valiant effort, _again,_ to remember what they were talking about before the change of subject. "…What does that mean?"

"It means you can try, if you want to, but you're not going to feel much." Sasuke answers resolutely. But then he pauses, as if doubting himself. "Well, you might feel something, an aura maybe?" His brows knit in apparent concentration. "Isn't that connected to ghosts? Like energy, or something?"

Naruto gasps. "So… you _are_ a _ghost!?"_

Sasuke shrugs. "I don't know, you said I was."

Naruto's mouth falls open and slams closed, not unlike a fish. "W-Well I don't know! _You_ should know what you are!"

Sasuke gapes, affronted. "I know what I am, do you?!"

 _"What?!"_ Naruto grips at his hair and all but screams. "I- You- Shut up! You're confusing me!"

"Well, you're confusing me too!" Sasuke screams back.

After a few more moments of screaming their frustration at each other, and getting even more confused by the second, they leap back into a silent stare down while trying to catch their breaths.

"…That energy… is that what's supposed to happen?" Naruto is the one to break the silence first, he can't help himself because with each passing minute he is actually starting… to believe in this theory a bit more, and that just makes him feel worse. "I mean… to, you know, since you say- you're…" He ends up trailing off, almost unsure of what he himself is trying to say.

But Sasuke seems to understand anyway, even if his answer is still- "I don't know?"

Naruto lets his head fall forward and groans into his pillow. "…Aren't you the expert here?"

"Hey, it's not like I make a living appearing and disappearing in people's lives! I don't even know what's really going on myself!" Sasuke exclaims defensively. Then, after a moment, he rubs at the back of his neck as he looks to the side, a little uncertainty flickering in his voice. "This just, sort of… happened?"

Naruto is about to ask him what the hell is 'this' exactly, but when he lifts his eyes from the worn out softness of his pillow he sees Sasuke… at a loss. Which he finds to be a truly rare sight. The Sasuke he was used to was always the one in control, for better or for worse. And now, for him to not even know what is going on… it's almost shocking on a whole other level to witness him like this.

If anything, this should be further proof to back up his theory that this is _not_ Sasuke. Everything that has led up to this point should be. But for some reason, some really strange and unknown reason, the opposite seems to be taking place. The more seconds that tick past, the more Naruto thinks, the more he looks at Sasuke… and there is just something about him that is so… _familiar_ , that reminds him of who he once considered to be his best friend and… is it… is this…

Is this _really_ Sasuke?

Out of the blue Naruto slaps his palms against his cheeks so hard the sound echoes in the room.

Sasuke draws back a little, startled. "H-Hey, you okay-"

"Ghosts don't exist!" He announces loudly. Contradicting himself.

Sasuke blinks once, twice. Then gapes, pointing at him with an accusing finger. "But you're the one who just said I was a ghost!"

Naruto slams his hands on his crossed legs and huffs. "Well, I… I don't know! I don't know what the fuck is happening, okay!?"

It looks like Sasuke is about to say something, but he refrains.

Naruto exhales through his nose and puts his head in his hands, talking to himself. "This is not real. It can't be… I'm imagining this. I'm just imagining this." The more the option that this Sasuke might be _Sasuke_ rings true, the more he just wants to up and leave and forget everything. Why is his mind playing tricks on him? Why is he believing something that should so clearly be a lie? "You're not real. This is all in my imagination, it's just…"

It feels like a second and an eternity pass as he tries to reassure himself with desperate mumbles, before motion catches his eye. When he lifts his head, he sees Sasuke scoot a bit closer, his focus is zeroed in on him, but Naruto doesn't try to keep his distance this time.

"Alright, then." Sasuke nods once to himself, a determinate look sets his features. "Pinch yourself really hard to wake up from this dream."

Naruto almost slaps himself, _again_ , because how, oh, _how_ did he not think about this before!? In a haste he scrambles to do just that and tugs on the sleeve of his jumpsuit- it takes longer than a second for him to realize that he didn't change yesterday when he fell asleep, but quickly dismisses the information- and takes a bit of skin between his thumb and forefinger.

And then he pinches himself, _hard._

"…"

"…"

"Oww!"

Except he yelps when it starts hurting. And the discomfort feels way too real. And he feels way too awake. And, apparently… this doesn't feel like a dream at all.

He doesn't even have the time to complain and Sasuke is cracking up, _again._ "You idiot, I can't believe you seriously went along with it."

Naruto is _this_ close to punching him.

"You knew!" He accuses in outrage. "And you're making fun of me!"

Sasuke nods unashamedly, still laughing, and Naruto feels justified in the sudden desire he has to smother him with his pillow…except he's too scared of what would happen _if_ the pillow actually went _through_ Sasuke. He decides to wait for him to stop choking on his laughter like the funniest thing in the world happened right in front of his eyes, while he discreetly rubs at his now sore wrist.

When Sasuke _finally_ gets a hold of himself he returns to his presently-standard, easy-going-type-of-grin of these past two days. "Why are you so opposed to the idea of me being here anyway? Is this really so impossible for you to believe?"

"…Can you blame me?" Naruto mutters under his breath, then coughs in his hand, hoping Sasuke didn't hear, and raises his voice. "I don't even know what's going on, are you even…" He trails off.

"…Real?" Sasuke finishes for him.

Naruto blinks in surprise, probably more so about the fact that he was going to ask just that.

Sasuke's smirk is still in place as he continues. "I'm right here, in front of you." He points at himself and raises his shoulders. "It's as real as it gets. I mean, I don't know how else to tell you, but you're awake, sitting in your bed, strangling a pillow for some reason-" He pauses to chuckle at that. "-and this is actually happening."

Naruto's hunched shoulders fall. Mixed emotions swirl inside him in a tandem and he… is at a loss, too. He doesn't know what he is supposed to feel in this kind of situation and the impending and unwelcome headache is not helping one bit in letting him think.

"Hey, to be honest I expected this whole conversation to happen two days ago. But I guess three time's a charm." There's a teasing lilt to Sasuke's voice that seems to be done on purpose.

It helps a little in bringing Naruto out of the heaviness he suddenly finds himself in.

"I thought I was dreaming!" He defends himself.

Sasuke nods at that. "You did pass out quickly, both yesterday and the day before."

In truth, Naruto doesn't exactly remember much. Maybe he was in too deep of a shock and his brain short-circuited, ending up with the last two days… being erased? Feeling even more disoriented, he grips his pillow tighter and a heavy exhale gets muffled into it. The notion of this only being a fantasy is becoming far too distant for him to now safely fall back into…

"…If you are really telling the _truth,_ then…"

"Then?" Sasuke prompts, his teasing smirk now back to a small and approachable grin.

"Then… we should…" Naruto bites the inside of his cheek in hesitation, he squints at the boy in front of him as if taking a closer look could somehow provide him with a clear explanation to his every last doubt. "…Shouldn't we figure out why you're here in the first place?"

Sasuke's eyes soften at his uncertainty and his reply comes in a toneless whisper. "Yeah, we should."

Naruto has rarely heard Sasuke sound like this. He is at least 98.99% positive he has never actually _seen_ him this way, all grins and smirks and teasing remarks and no clean-cut edge to his words… then what is this dreadful sense of familiarity surrounding him?

But this is not the only issue, what is eating away at him and taking up open space in his brain is the feeling that somehow Sasuke- Real Sasuke? Fake Sasuke? Ghost Sasuke?- knows _far_ more than what he lets on. Unconsciously, his features twist with the all-consuming thoughts of why the… _apparition_ \- (can he even call it this?)- of someone still alive is currently in front of him.

"Naruto."

His attention snaps back to him in the blink of an eye when he hears his name, caught completely unaware by it. When was the last time Sasuke said his name so… _un-threateningly?_ Has that _ever_ happened before?

"…What is it?" He asks, stunned.

But surprise is quickly set aside, because the placid atmosphere turns sour and Sasuke's expression quickly morphs with it. The change is so abrupt it's almost alien if compared to the last forty-eight hours, his somber tone feels suddenly and inexplicably unfamiliar. "It might get worse before it gets better. You should… be ready, in case that happens."

Naruto's stomach drops, his mood plummeting with it, with the weight of the words that keep pulling him down, and he distantly feels like he might be suffocating. "What do you mea-"

Three knocks interrupt him, leaving the incomplete sentence hang in the air between them. Both boys look towards the door, before slowly looking back at each other.

A bit uneasy, and more than a little indecisively, Naruto gets up, tries not to fall over the tangle of sheets or trip over his feet, pretends he doesn't hear Sasuke's muffled chuckling when he almost does so, and manages to reach the door without any -almost- accidents on the way.

On the other side he finds Sakura and Sai, smiling at him. Well, Sakura is smiling and Sai is showing the same expressionless face he always is.

"Oh…" It's almost unexpected to see the two of them here, but he somehow feels relieved at their turn-up and returns the smile with a small one of his own. "Hi?"

"Hey." Sakura greets warmly while Sai gives him a minuscule nod. "Ready to go visit Kakashi-sensei?"

…Right. They had made plans for today, agreeing to meet in the late morning to visit their teacher at the hospital. He tenses almost imperceptibly when he glances back at Sasuke, who has not moved an inch, and sizzling panic overwhelms him into his bones for a split-second, it takes just as long to remember that they _can't_ see him.

In the back of his mind the stifling thought of hiding him is overbearing, the complete opposite of what he wanted yesterday. He just… he _can't_ let them know- to tell the truth this only pertains to Sakura, he wouldn't confide with Sai about such a crucial matter- that Sasuke, or someone, or something resembling him, is… well, _here_.

It's almost funny, in a way, this searing urge he has to pretend that everything is _perfectly_ _normal._

He turns back to face his _current teammates_ and gives them a half-smile, or at least something close. "…Yeah. Just about."

* * *

On the way to the hospital Naruto pretends Sasuke's absence is not as haunting as his presence.


	4. Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (And suddenly, Sasuke is blocking the view he has of himself _curled up on the floor, the cracks in the tiles run deep enough to scar through him whole, heart shattered, the world lying in glass pieces broken beneath his feet, he knows nothing but loss._ And Naruto doesn't know how this is supposed to make him feel.)

It's needless to say, Naruto has never liked hospitals. That's an understatement, really. And as of late the reasons for his distaste have only been increasing, so much they might just turn endless. And now, crossing these same doors is even less comforting, seeing as the hospital sustained some serious collateral damage after the attack, and the efforts of the renovation now coupled with all the affected patients feel like too much of a cataclysm.

The smell of pure alcohol and sterile utensils is almost a stench, invading his senses unpleasantly. The long hallway is a simple means to an end, a thoroughfare, but the trek along it is interminable, at least inside his mind. The despairingly blank walls are staring back at him, as if daring him to go further.

With each step forward the sense of dread swells like a surface wound, bruising underneath the pulsing tissue. He smothers it down.

(The cracks running like fractures along the tiled floor, they're not there. Not _anymore._ And if Naruto could feel anything else outside his bereavement, this would leave him at a loss. But the cracks he wears underneath his ribcage won't stitch themselves shut.)

For one second, everything slows down. His breaths are muted, his footsteps muffled, echoes of voices (deafening screams), flashing lights (blinding darkness), split floors (tarnished in blood).

A pause, another step. The world starts back again.

Naruto breathes in, quashes out the memories.

It almost comes as a surprise when the three of them are standing outside the numbered hospital room. Sakura is the first to move, he follows after her.

"Oh, look who's finally here." It's the first thing Kakashi says once they step inside.

It's like a small reprieve from everything Naruto has been through up until now. As far as his loathing for hospitals goes, coming to visit Kakashi has never felt like an obligation. It's much easier too, when with every visit the man always seems to be doing better. He has started looking healthier and more like himself with each passing day.

"Morning, Kakashi-sensei." Sakura and Naruto greet in unison, Sai gives a small nod.

Sakura takes a seat on one of the uncomfortable but familiar chairs placed by his bed, Naruto follows her example, whilst Sai for some reason remains standing, as usual.

"It is closer to afternoon, but morning to you too. And here I thought you'd forgotten all about your poor teacher." The hint of a smile is concealed below his mask, making Sakura smile back.

"As if we'd forget about you, Kakashi-sensei. Don't you know better than anyone how old men need all the attention?" Naruto allows himself a bit of a shit-eating grin as he asks the mostly rhetorical question. Kakashi's eyebrow ticks in annoyance while Sakura presses her lips together, holding back a grin of her own.

"…The nerve." Kakashi drawls, flat. "…the actual nerve." The lightness in his voice is obvious and relieving. "Kids these days, disrespectful bunch…" He mutters something else under his breath, drawing a quiet giggle out of Sakura and something akin to a snicker out of Naruto, who tries to lean back in his chair and find a somewhat comfortable position, even if it's no easy task when he feels he's sitting on a slab of concrete.

Naruto has learned to take in details. (He doesn't know when it happened, exactly. Sometime around dipping his little toes in, skinning his small knees after throwing himself into the wondrous world of what being a ninja means, and _now.)_ It is like jotting down observations he makes, only the notes are stored in his head, stacked somewhere safe he can reach again and again when he needs senseless repetition to numb horrifyingly new shock.

For example; the window in this room has a blind on it, and a view of the roof of an adjoining building in the distance, further away there is open space. Another example; at first Kakashi's head used to be tilted down, hanging, the events were a lead weight showing like scattered injuries across his body and dragging him down with them. Now his head is held high, but humbly so.

He keeps taking the new details in. His teacher's face is still mostly bandaged, pale skin against pale whiteness, and the gauze on his left hand climbs up his forearm, hiding the damage below. But the most noticeable injures are perhaps the fading bruises, he should be dismissed in a few days.

If the Fifth had not, miraculously, gotten out of her comatose state, nothing of this would be possible now.

(And, at times, when Naruto thinks of the worst, when he thinks about Tsunade, he swears he can feel his intestines tangle up in knots and his lungs shrivel up and shrink with the clash rousing inside him, when he thinks of the pain and gratitude he _owes her.)_

"They're treating you pretty well, sensei?" Sakura asks next, busying herself with the task of peeling an apple from the bunch she brought.

Sakura's instincts - mother's instincts, _especially_ \- have only intensified since the attack, and if she can't make sure that every single one of the people she cares about is okay, she goes into a frantic, restless panic. Or, as _okay_ as they can be. And as funny as her attempts at being a mother-hen can get at times, they all see she is trying her very best, and the amusement clouds into sadness in the blink of an eye.

Naruto wishes he could help. He sometimes catches the terrified flicker of hope dimming in her eyes and it scares him to think she could lose it (like he's already lost his).

"As well as well can be." Kakashi answers easily enough for it to be an unquestionable truth, he leans back on the couple of plush looking pillows and his mask caves in the shape of a kind smile, which Sakura returns, and Naruto does too after a beat.

The focus of their every conversation at first was Konoha's assault. And really, how do you waltz around it, how do you ignore the elephant inside the room? You don't. You _can't._ And linked to it was the resulting loss, the doubts, how much would it even take to rebuild what was broken (could something too broken be rebuilt at all?). Which had soon after delved into economical and political talk, which Naruto mostly didn't know or didn't even want to hear about. The tension had been at an all time high, breaching through like electrified live wire regardless of how careful the painful words had been whispered, managing to tear through their hastily put together walls with punches the size of hearts.

But, as the days turned into weeks, thankfully the heavy topics lost some of their punch and a little more humor and light-heartedness managed to seep in. Until it came to a point where they went out of their way to avoid the more serious and morbid issues. Until when they left their teacher had the imprint of a smile curving up his mask instead of the usual tipped down frown. Until the students began going home in the evenings and feeling lighter than when they'd woken up in the mornings (until Naruto pretended to do the same).

And this was something Naruto needed, and needed _badly,_ to assure himself he could keep his sanity intact. (No, he didn't, not anymore.)

"If you must know." Kakashi levels them with an unwavering stare, continuing. "There is this one nurse that comes to see me everyday." He lowers his voice a bit, his next words sound almost conspiratorial. "I don't want to make speculations, but I think I may just be her favorite patient here. She is always bringing in more pillows, without me even asking. _And,_ I even caught her bending the straw in my glass the first few times."

"Kakashi-sensei… that doesn't classify as special treatment. It's part of the job. You are supposed to _take_ _care_ of patients." Sakura states in a flat tone.

Naruto hides a snort in the collar of his jumpsuit at that. "Mah, Kakashi-sensei…" He shakes his head twice and lets the sentence hang in the air, even going as far as disdainfully crinkling his nose to add to the lightness.

"I'm not being anything." Kakashi is soon to follow with, having perfectly read the meaning behind the unspoken words. "I am merely stating facts." He seems resolute to stand his ground. "She always looks happy whenever she steps foot in this room, and whenever she sees me her eyes light up… has me wondering if my stay here will end with a parting gift, a goodbye kiss, perhaps?" He looks almost dreamy as he thinks of the various scenarios that entail parting kisses, or more.

Sakura puts a hand over her heart, and pretending to gasp she turns to Naruto, stage-whispering. "Oh no, he is delusional too, now. What should we do?"

Naruto lowers his voice a bit to match hers, chin grasped in hand in fake contemplation. "What would his 'parting gift' even be, five fingers to the face?"

"If that were to happen he would give us an excuse, like the, 'having to help a pretty woman who was falling down the stairs and she accidentally hit him during the fall, only to cling on to him for dear life' kind of excuse. We should probably just nod and pretend to believe him, to at least spare his wounded feelings and pride." Sakura continues in a low voice, but it's pretty clear everyone is meant to hear.

"Of course." Naruto nods in agreement with an almost torn expression. "Poor, _old_ man. Can't imagine having to live with such poor flirting skills too."

Sakura's eyebrows pinch in mock-confusion. "Do you think he practices just what he will say to women?"

Naruto pretends to think about it for a second, slowly nodding. "He must spend hours in front of the mirror, perfecting his 'technique' and thinking he's a genius for it. Who knows how many ladies have already laughed in his face?"

"Or maybe they were pitying him so much they even pretended to be impressed?"

As they keep making fun of him, in _front_ of him, Kakashi looks utterly done with his students. "That's it. You two are banned from this room." He orders, nodding towards the door for them to leave.

"Oh, he thinks he has this kind of authority over us now." Naruto shakes his head, heaving a sigh. "Wow, his memory really isn't what it used to be, huh."

"Just nod and pretend you're agreeing with everything he says." Sakura shakes her head in the same rueful way. "It might hurt less for such a poor man with such poor flirting skills."

"Maybe the nurse pities him too, isn't that why she's put up with him for so long?"

Sakura gasps, dramatically, hiding it behind her hand. "I think you might have just uncovered the truth here."

"Help." Kakashi drawls, raising his voice just a little for attention. "A very kind-hearted and handsome patient is being harassed over here."

A nurse ends up poking her head in the room, the one the teacher had been telling his students all about. She takes a moment to notice that Kakashi is, in fact, perfectly fine. Stepping inside, she zeroes in on him and on the clipboard she's holding she clicks her pretty nails in a perfectly rhythmic show of annoyance.

"What. Do. You. Need. Now." Her curt tone suggests this is quite the regular occurrence, drawing Naruto and Sakura's attention and making them lean in so they won't miss a word. Sai remains unfazed for his part.

This time it's Kakashi's turn to put a hand over his chest, only to let out a long and delighted sigh. "I just melt at the sight of you, my dearest."

The woman rolls her eyes, the exasperation across her face doesn't look new either. "Please melt out of my working hours, old geezer." And like that, she turns and walks out of the door with a disgruntled huff.

Kakashi is quick to face his students again with his usual, and seemingly never-ending, confidence. In a deadpan voice, he states. "Once we're in the same room she can't even hold back on her passion. Clearly, she wants me."

"…Uh-oh." Sakura and Naruto share a glance between their barely held back snorts.

"Maybe we should keep the _old geezer_ in the hospital for a whole other reason-" And Naruto doesn't even finish his sentence that the two of them are already cracking up. Sakura's laughter is so infectious he can't help but let out his own.

"…I don't expect brats to understand the concept of such a wonderful display of pure love." Kakashi mutters in distaste.

Sakura does then take notice of Sai scribbling down something. "What are you doing?"

The boy lifts his head up enough to answer. "I am taking notes about this 'display of pure love' Kakashi-sensei is talking about." Sai says with the best intentions. But the thing is, his tone sounds so dull and monotonous when he says the words it seems he's in cahoots with the other two teens and is just looking for more ways to mock the man.

"Let me rephrase." Kakashi suddenly utters, the picture of unimpressed. "From now on you three are banned from this room."

Sakura and Naruto are set into a fit again and the more one laughs, the louder the other follows. Sai tilts his head to the side, mostly confused.

There is no tension in the air, nor any pain that can dampen this quiet corner of peace. Naruto rearranges his self and his thoughts, lets himself be pulled into the moment, leaving his mind now thankfully blank as his sole focus is right here, in a few of the people he cares about most in the world.

He doesn't know if time is stressing by in minutes or hours, doesn't keep count of it, the mindless and light chatter is enough to let everything else fall away.

It's almost unconscious, the way his eyes slowly shift to the side. The door to the room is propped open and people walk by, their shoes squeak on the pristine tiles.

One by one the walls built in his mind give in, falling away. Crumbling.

And suddenly, in the hallway, he sees himself.

(Naruto is curled up on the floor, the cracks in the tiles run deep enough to scar through him whole, heart shattered, the world lying in glass pieces broken beneath his feet, he knows nothing but loss.)

(Fingers dig deep in his ribcage. The red blood has since dried over, staining his fingers in coal black clots, it's stale with death.)

 _(You couldn't save him,_ the cacophony of voices say, so cruel and disfigured they might as well be his own. _He's dead. He's_ dead. _Deaddeaddead **dead-** )_

"He seems to be doing well. That's a relief."

Naruto freezes. His breath catches in his throat, his body locks in place and his hands tighten to fists by his side.

His eyes make a slow ascend, and suddenly, someone else is standing in the previously vacant space.

Sasuke.

This seems to have become a routine of sorts, because when he least expects it, is when he gets surprised the most, unpleasantly so.

And really, he shouldn't be taken off guard anymore, not after the shock of finding him there this morning. And the day before. And the day before that. But he still _is._

Sasuke has Naruto stuck, and for the split of a second he feels his presence so strongly, so _intensely_ , he thinks they might be the only two souls left in the universe with the time frozen over.

(And suddenly, Sasuke is blocking the view he has of himself _curled up on the floor, the cracks in the tiles run deep enough to scar through him whole, heart shattered, the world lying in glass pieces broken beneath his feet, he knows nothing but loss._ And Naruto doesn't know how this is supposed to make him feel.)

He digs his nails in the clothed flesh between his outer thigh and knee, and waits like an elastic band that if pulled too tight will end up snapping, waits in fear, in anticipation, in anger.

But nothing else happens, except for Sasuke's gaze leaving their teacher and moving towards his own. There is a small smile hanging off his mouth, seemingly genuine enough in matching his words.

One thought pushes at the other and Naruto fails to disassemble and reassemble them in orderly fashion, when everything sounds like one bad option after another. The walls inside his mind rise higher, closing in, locking him out, and there is a bitterness to the inside of his mouth so distinct, he tastes iron and acid, it sours him from within and-

"Naruto?"

He abruptly breaks off their eye contact, his head whips around just a little too quickly. And he tries to cover it up with a smile that comes off stretched a little too widely to be sincere. "What?"

"Is something wrong?" Sakura asks cautiously. His teammates and teacher are now looking at him with a hint of curiosity, worry swimming underneath.

How long has he been spacing out?

 _'…They_ c _an't see him.'_ Naruto whispers to himself, and the seconds are measured in the beats of his heart that only grow louder, and with the loud _thump_ of them slamming repeatedly in his temples and the fact that Sasuke truly seems to be invisible to the others, the theory of a ghost doesn't sound as far-fetched now as it did in the shock of the morning.

But he can't let himself slip up, he can't let them _know._

"No, I…" Naruto shifts in his chair, clears his throat even if the lump inside it feels the size of a rock, relaxes himself enough for his muscles not to be as stiff, and his body language not to give him away. "I just thought I saw someone I recognized."

A plausible excuse since the door is still open and… maybe not so much of an excuse, after all. He is met with no further questioning and the conversation returns to its previous light-heartedness.

Naruto tries not to tense when, after a carefully awaited number of seconds, his eyes flicker to the door and Sasuke has yet to move an inch. There should be a whole lot of things bothering him, but what keeps nagging at him, in the back of his mind, is the expression Sasuke is showing. It's so… he doesn't know how to describe it.

He doesn't _know._ His words ring clear in Naruto's head, as if he is hearing them again, and their apparent honesty has his chest feeling tight.

Sasuke, real or not real, the memory of his dream, Team Seven, being right here now, his words- Naruto can't help it when he asks himself…

…Does Sasuke even care?

The weight in his chest almost threatens to suffocate him.

He tunes back in and avoids any distractions now. He doesn't space off, neither does he look towards the door anymore. He does nothing that could give him away.

Even so, he swears he feels Sasuke's eyes burn right through him.


	5. Right Through You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "…What the fuck?"
> 
> Sasuke's smirk only widens in amusement. "Starting today I feel like you'll keep saying that often."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. This is lightly based on own my experience too. But for this chapter I was completely inspired by the book 'It's Kind Of A Funny Story'.
> 
> 2\. I can't stand to see anyone in pain, literally no one. But when it comes to children or old people it just shatters my heart. I feel with what Naruto has gone through in his life he would be empathetic with kids who are in pain to the point it starts being painful for him. He does that unconsciously in this chapter.

"This is _boring."_

Naruto's head thumps against the wall, eyes up to the dull and white ceiling, and he sighs for what feels like the umpteenth time today.

The visit to their recovering teacher should have made him feel better. It _should_ have. But as soon as he parted ways with Sakura and Sai his forced smile dropped instantly. The last tendrils of energy burned out with each second that passed him by, each step that he took, leaving him to what had become his daily normal: drained.

Unfortunately for him this day has yet to end. In fact, one of the _exciting_ activities planned for today happens to be the therapist's appointment he has.

And, of course, Sasuke is…

_Still here._

"…You said that three times already. I get it." Naruto finally mutters through gritted teeth.

"I'm stating a fact." Sasuke whispers back as if this should be obvious to him, as if he is completely unaware of Naruto's aggravation rising with every word he utters. "Can't we go somewhere else? I'm sure there are funnier ways to spend an afternoon than being cooped up inside four walls to _talk_."

Naruto wants to slam his head against one of the aforementioned four walls in sheer frustration. Seriously, as if he doesn't _know_ that.

"I told you already. I'm-" But he stops mid-sentence when he notices a man standing in the hallway, looking at him as if he's grown three heads in the last two second.

Naruto offers a bit of a nervous grin, that probably comes off as more of a grimace, and the man practically flees away in the blink of an eye, leaving him more than a little puzzled and- oh, _right._ Sasuke is 'invisible' to everyone else…. why does he even keep forgetting about such a _small_ detail? Maybe because it's so ridiculous even Naruto is not sure what to believe in.

His head thumps against the wall, again, and he sighs, a _gain._ Another unfortunate fact of the day seems to be how there is _no_ way of getting rid of him. What grates on his nerves even more is how Sasuke (well, this Sasuke… or was the old Sasuke the same way too?) has to have an opinion on _everything,_ and, of course, he doesn't mind making his complaints known.

"Oh, c'mon, I'll die of boredom at this rate." Sasuke practically whines beside him.

Naruto turns sharp, glaring eyes in his direction. "You mean you can die? Good. Then maybe you'll leave me alone." He snaps at him, though he doesn't have the slightest clue about how… 'ghosts', or hallucinations, or whatever he is, _even_ work.

Sasuke stares at him, blinking. "You're funny, you know." He says out of the blue, chuckling in the back of his throat as if he just heard something amusing.

Naruto's expression spells for him, _'are you insane',_ before deciding he has better things to do than waste his time with… this, whatever 'this' entails. What remains to point out is how those better things are now… no things. Because he has _nothing_ to do except… waiting. He grumbles to himself, turning the other way before he starts making a scene out of annoyance. And boredom.

In the room adjacent to the small waiting area he is in, Naruto can hear a kid crying. From the ajar door he can see two women inside the room with the kid, one is presumably the mother and the other should be the professional he is under the care of. Both are trying to calm him down because the child is thrashing on the ground. Naruto doesn't know what is going on, but it doesn't sound- it doesn't look _simple._ The little kid is wailing, voice raw and acute, and it would be more accurate to say those are screams and not cries. The kid's voice breaks. He is in pain, Naruto realizes, he is in actual _pain._ And he only catches a fleeting glance of his small face, red, bloodied, lost, raw.

Naruto's hands are suddenly clenching so tightly he can feel nails biting in his skin- as if fresh marks of blood will be enough to keep in check the fresh wave of pain- his stomach caves in, and he feels it, something heavy and terrible settling in the middle of his chest and weighing him down until his breath sticks like glue inside his throat with no way to escape.

These here are _real_ kids with real _problems_ and… and he apparently is one of them.

"Hey."

He is suddenly met with Sasuke's face close to his own and it takes him a full second to pull back, as if scorched by unseen flames.

"What's with that frown?" Sasuke asks him. His voice sounds ridiculously worried for a reason Naruto is unable to comprehend or rationally explain.

The sunlight filters through a window to their left, unforgivably enveloping everything it reaches in its burnt orange hue. Sasuke's skin looks lighter exposed to the rays, his eyes ablaze, and Naruto can almost read him in this quiet sliver of openness. It's like a slap to the face, like ice water poured over his searing hot skin, leaving the charred flesh to heal with the shock of cold painful relief.

The door closes. It puts a stop to the ear-splitting screams, as if they never existed in the first place, and Naruto blinks back in the present.

The question finally registers, and he is quick to peel his eyes away. "…Shut up. It's nothing." It's a quiet scoff, a harsh murmur. Naruto doesn't know if he is trying to distract Sasuke, or if he is trying to distract himself. He doesn't want to think about it a second longer.

Sasuke doesn't say anything else, but he can feel his eyes on him. And it bothers him, it _bothers_ him to no end.

With nothing better to do, he busies himself with having a look around the place – not like there is much to _look at_ to begin with, he is inside a waiting room after all. Being here still feels strange and foreign, even if this is the second time.

The first time he was here he took in the clean floors, the cream-colored walls, the two waiting areas and the narrow hallways. There are at least a dozen doors that he doesn't have the slightest idea what goes on behind. If not for the few touches of life here and there to show there are still living people inside, the place would have been bare. It feels impersonal, empty. A simple working space and nothing more.

But something he has noticed right away is, this place feels crowded in a silent sort of way.

As if there is always something to do, somewhere to be, but it's quiet. The sort of _quiet_ that gets on people's _nerves_ and makes them _fidget_ even if they don't want to, and even when they _shouldn't,_ since the wait is only leading to something as simple as hearing their name getting called. And once he himself got the opportunity to be behind one of those closed doors, it was…well, he has to admit it was much less dramatic than he had initially thought it would be.

For starters, he would have expected to be lying on a comfortable dark leather sofa, like he's seen people in movies do, which did not happen. He also expected mahogany tables, dark floors and dark wood everywhere, along with bookshelves littered with books and books to no end, and just about anything and everything else that would make the room feel old, small, stuffy. Suffocating. But that had not been the case, either.

The office he's been accommodated into during his first session is medium sized at least, decorated with a few paintings. A large window opens on the side. The walls and floors are different shades of white and the sunlight streaming in gives the room a certain lightness. Along one of the walls there is a bookshelf that contains a great quantity of volumes, but it doesn't give the room the suffocating sense he had at first imagined, although some of the books are so thick he would never _even_ think about looking their way, let alone read them in this lifetime.

To be fair, they are currently restoring the old building these meetings were supposed to take place in. So, once the new office is ready, Naruto is still expecting to lie down on a comfy couch and rant on endlessly about the woes in his life to a stranger who takes notes and pretends to care.

He is snapped out of his reminiscing when he hears his name being called, signalling for him to go in. Wordlessly, he gets up and marches to the same room he had been welcomed in only a few days ago.

* * *

"This is so _boring."_ And Sasuke complains. _Again._

Naruto has just taken a seat in one of the two chairs in front of the desk. And of course Sasuke just had to take the _other_ one.

He can't help but keep thinking how the day is taking more of a bizarre turn as it passes him by, not only because of Sasuke being here, but the way he's acting too. He is… so _frustrating_ right now. And in a different scenario Naruto might even take a moment to laugh himself to death, but he currently feels so unnerved even the _'click'_ of a pen might just set him off.

"I didn't ask you to come here in the first place." He hisses under his breath, vexed.

"Did you say something?" The woman looks up from whatever she had been writing– what would Naruto do to _know_ what therapists write about their clients, this curiosity has taken the best of him since their first meeting, maybe even before then – with a slightly puzzled expression.

The therapist he has been assigned is a woman in her late thirties, probably, and although they had not spent that much time getting to know each other, he had immediately gotten this feeling that there was something immaculate about her. She seems composed, organized and prepared. And even if he is completely distrusting, because he won't kid himself enough to think she will be able to get inside his head and find a solution for him to fix all his problems with, he can at least wait and see what comes out of this.

"Ah, no, nothing." He quickly denies with a minuscule smile in her general direction.

Sasuke snickers and Naruto throws him a discreet glare, going back to giving the room another once over.

For some reason unknown to him he can't quite bring himself to look her in the eyes. It's… difficult, almost, in a way he had never thought about before. But since he doesn't have the obligation to keep the eye contact during their 'conversations', he simply doesn't.

"You look a bit _tense."_ Sasuke quips beside him, so good-humored it's almost inappropriate given Naruto's current predicament.

And Naruto is about to go off on him, before remembering, _again,_ just how _crazy_ that would make him look. And if he can help it he certainly won't go out of his way to give more reasons to get himself locked up inside some mental facility.

The wait is unnerving, but it is short, and after a couple more moments the woman is apparently done with her task, regarding him with her full attention. Which makes Naruto feel more uncomfortable than anything, wishing she would go back to write whatever she was writing about until their time is up.

"How are you doing today, Naruto?" She finally asks, voice gentle but not quite. Professional.

And here comes _the_ question. From what he has seen and heard, _they_ all have a standard question they ask the first time, only to repeat it over and over again every time after. Like, 'How is it going?' or 'What's going on with you today?' or simply 'How do you feel?'

The first time he was here, a bit before his own meeting, he'd caught a glimpse of another one going on, a kid around his age was in a room with an old man, who had shockingly white hair and a big smile and a round belly. He'd asked the kid, 'What's going on inside that world of yours today?', and for a moment Naruto wished the old and smiling man was assigned to him instead, because there had just been something about him that transpired safety.

Not that he has anything against this therapist. He doesn't even _know_ her, so how could he have already formed an opinion on the woman whose job is supposed to form her own opinion of him and… well, put like that it sounds… weird. But he's at a point in his life where everything keeps sounding weird, and confusing, and unpleasant, so this is at least unsurprising.

As for his answer to the standard question, well…

_I feel like dying._

Now, that's not something he can say, is it?

He also can't tell, 'I feel like shit.'

Oh, and what else is there he can't answer with? 'Three days ago I found in my room this sort of ghost of someone who's supposed to hate my guts and I think the weirdest thing might be how his personality has just about flipped out from what I remember him being like and that's almost throwing me off more than the whole 'ghost' concept itself… surprise!'

…Yes, this is definitely something he doesn't want to share.

"I'm fine." He goes with a _standard_ answer too, because he thinks this is the only _acceptable_ one anyway. It's almost funny how unfunny it actually is.

Beside him Sasuke scoffs under his breath like this is the biggest bullshit he has ever had the displeasure to hear in his lifetime, and Naruto wants to roll his eyes at the sudden way his stomach churns and the frustration that furiously climbs all over him. But he also feels a prickling and suffocating sensation, that might as well be guilt, and it makes him want to build up higher walls and strengthen his defenses.

"Anything new you want to talk about?"

He is caught a bit off guard by this next question and peels his eyes away from Sasuke to look at the _real_ other person inside the room. He tenses slightly and clears his throat to cover up his bafflement. "Uh… what do you mean?"

The therapist doesn't falter as she repeats her question, elaborating in a kind tone. "Has anything new happened in your life since the last time we saw each other? Something you would like to talk about?"

As if on cue, Naruto finds himself searching for Sasuke, who… is not sitting beside him anymore. Trying to be as discreet as he can, he casts a glance around himself, until his eyes wander up and… _there_ he is.

Sasuke is actually sitting on top of the bookshelf, appearing as comfortable as ever while he scans the room with what seems to be a great deal of concentration. Until his gaze lands on him and he breaks out in a grin that borders on mischievous, waggling his fingers in some sort of mocking wave and kicking his legs back and forth like little kids usually do.

Naruto thinks he will have this image of Sasuke seared behind his eyelids, forever imprinted into his memory with absurd clarity.

"No." Naruto blurts out, looking straight at Sasuke, before resolutely shaking his head and focusing back on the therapist, hoping the opposite is not written all over his face. "Not at all."

"Awh, I'm hurt." Sasuke pouts at him. Before snorting, because he apparently finds himself that funny.

"You-" Almost on autopilot Naruto is ready to raise to the bait, but refrains from doing so when he feels another pair of eyes trained on him. He falls back in his chair, wearing a smile that is supposed to show confidence, but comes out as more anxious. "….And what about _you?_ Anything new?" He tries to salvage the situation, redirecting the question to her.

The woman's eyes crinkle a bit at the corners with her small smile. "It's thoughtful of you to ask, I'm fine, thank you. But we are here to talk about you."

"…Right." He settles a bit more in his chair and looks down at his lap.

"Nice save." It's unclear if it's taunting on Sasuke's part, or if it isn't. And Naruto decides, for everyone involved, it's much better if he just ignores him.

…Well. As much as he can ignore a ghost perched on top of a bookshelf who might be mocking him, that is.

* * *

"You have to work on your lying skills." Sasuke comments, once they're walking out of the building. "It could come in handy."

Naruto didn't remember the sun shining so brightly when he first entered and is slightly disoriented when hit by its intense rays, but also somewhat relieved. And still very much confused.

This area is mostly calm, which is something he likes, and the quiet chatter of passersby is relaxing as opposed to the now annoyingly loud buzz that fills his ears in the open streets. It's quiet enough to be white noise starring in his thoughts, leaving the real issues to take the backseat.

He takes in the few trees, the small patches of green that managed to survive and they all add up to the tranquility. Fresh, crisp air fills his lungs inside out, leaving him almost light-headed for a second. But even this is not enough, a magical mood change is _still_ wishful thinking.

"I'm not a _liar."_ Naruto impulsively spills out, feeling the contradiction course through his veins and settle deep in his gut, because what he said now is not what he said _before._ Because his exact words to the therapist were 'I'm fine', when the real answer is… much more _complicated._

But if Sasuke is aware of this particular _truth,_ he doesn't mention it. "I wasn't implying you were, what I'm saying is it could sometimes work in your favor. Just give that a thought."

"Almost sounds like you're an expert on that field." It comes off as more of exhausted deflection rather than a real attempt at accusation.

Sasuke doesn't call him out on it, but he gets a conceited smirk in turn. "Maybe I am."

Naruto huffs quietly. He stares down, at the uneven asphalt, in front of him, at the peaceful and surprisingly bleak surroundings, up, at the cloudlessly pale sky, and takes in bits of everything. _Everything_ except for the one who is standing right next to him.

But it's so surprisingly hard, when Sasuke now seems to be the only center of his focus.

Naruto's eyes flit to his in clear consternation and suspicion. Sasuke stares back, unfazed.

 _"He seems to be_ _doing well. That's a relief."_

Naruto's thoughts are unexpectedly thrown for a loop as the words resurface in his mind. Something sharp aches somewhere deep, and he casts his head down, doesn't dare raise his eyes from the ground now when the words tumble so lowly out of his mouth his voice might as well be a strangled sigh.

"…Did you really mean it?"

The pause has him holding on his breath, it burns his lungs.

"Of course." Sasuke's casual smirk turns into a cautious line. "I mean everything I say." When he does take a step towards him, it's when Naruto finally wills himself to look up at the unblinking stare directed at him, unwavering. There is no hesitation behind. "He was my teacher too, remember?"

Naruto sucks in a startled breath, moving back one step.

_Teacher._

For a moment the word rings so loudly in his head he fears he will go deaf from it.

Sasuke seems to understand his shock, because he eases back, as if giving him a chance to breathe. Naruto doesn't know how to feel about this either.

"I want him to be okay." Sasuke adds in quiet earnestness.

"Do you?" Something raw and reproaching filters in his voice and he can't help but ask the question before his brain even has the chance to play catch-up with his mouth.

"Why wouldn't I?" But Sasuke's rhetorical question ends up being as innocuous and demure as almost everything about him seems to be these past couple of days. His lips quirk up. "You know, you shouldn't assume what people think without asking them first."

Naruto wants to bite back, but no more words come out of his mouth and the beginning of a headache is already settling in his temples. He decides to leave it be, before he says something he might come to later regret, though with everything that's happened already that sounds ridiculous too.

"Why didn't you tell Sakura that you don't like it?" But it seems it now is Sasuke's turn to ask questions anyway when he changes the subject, nodding towards the building they just left.

Naruto starts walking again. He puts his hands in his pockets for the lack of anything better to do, but also to hide the small shaking that has recently taken over his limbs. "Don't like what?" He asks dumbly, pretending not to know just what the other boy is talking about.

Sasuke has a bit of a smirk lifting his lips, like he knows. "Going to therapy, what else."

Hearing him talking about Sakura, and Kakashi, so naturally, as if it's… _normal_ for him…is weird. And disconcerting. Naruto feels disoriented all over again.

He thinks about making up an excuse on the spot, denying it, but somehow he has the distinct impression Sasuke would see through it right away.

And as previously stated before, he is not a liar. Even if honesty comes at a price he doesn't want to give in to at times.

"…I didn't want to worry her." Naruto rushes to let out in a sincere breath.

Thinking he would get the opposite reaction, he is surprised when Sasuke smiles. It's not a mocking smile, not sneering or meant to make fun of him. It's genuine.

"That's just like you." Sasuke says.

Naruto blinks in a daze as this time he does stop in his tracks, studying the other boy as if he's seeing him for the first time. "What's… that supposed to mean?"

Sasuke stops too, just a couple of steps ahead of him with his hands in his pockets and balancing on the balls of his feet, still smiling. "It means you _still_ do, even when you shouldn't." It's almost a whisper under his breath, like it's his own secret and not something he wants to share with him.

Naruto blinks, once, twice, three times. "…Huh?"

"You're selfless." Sasuke simply adds in a louder voice and his smile simultaneously grows and dims, making Naruto feel dizzy. "You're way too selfless for your own good, don't you know that already?"

Strangely enough, the words make Naruto feel worse than if he had been subjected to a rasengan. Their impact has him wide-eyed and gaping. "I-… that's not true." He counters defensively, and a bit childishly.

Mischievousness flickers into Sasuke's expression. "It is."

"No, it's just-" He scoffs, averting his eyes. "Look- I… I'm not even the one paying. I should at least go." Quieter, he adds, "That's it."

But Sasuke practically waltzes in his line of vision, smirk plastered to his face. "Do you always do what you _have_ to?"

Naruto's eyes narrow in glaring irritation as he counters back. "Don't you ever do what you _have to?"_

Sasuke shrugs, grinning. "Touché."

Naruto has more to add, but ends up spectacularly interrupted when a shout of _'look out!'_ draws his attention away. And for good reason, because a rickety wheelbarrow is quickly emptying itself of its contents and even more quickly coming their way. Or Sasuke's way, to be more specific.

Naruto would usually be quick on his feet, which is no hardship considering he's a ninja, but for some reason his legs are stuck to the ground and his vocal chords are unwilling to cooperate with him, so when he opens his mouth to warn Sasuke, to tell him to move out of the way… nothing comes out. Instinctively, his arms raise up to his face as if to prevent him from seeing the disaster waiting to happen.

But as the wheelbarrow swiftly speeds down towards them in rocky motions, it ends up going…

Right

_Through_

Sasuke.

…and Naruto's jaw practically falls slack, not believing what he just witnessed with his own eyes.

Sasuke opens up his arms in a grand gesture, as if to say _'see?'_ , "I guess this actually proves your theory that I'm a ghost, doesn't it?"

Naruto keeps staring, unblinking and unmoving and shell-shocked. The only thing that comes to mind in the moment is…

"…What the fuck?"

Sasuke's smirk only widens in amusement. "Starting today I feel like you'll keep saying that often."


	6. ~ Denial, Denial, Denial ~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is literally one of the _stupidest_ things I have ever heard."
> 
> "Shut up you witch."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember binging Gravity Falls for the second time while writing this chapter, so that's where the shack kind of comes from lol... but the ending of this chapter. The ending just kind of broke my heart.
> 
> ...On a happier note, Kiba and Naruto are Best Bros even if they act like they get on each other's nerves a lot. Sorry, I don't make the rules, this is just the way it is.
> 
> hope you guys are staying safe and sane💜

Naruto is still reeling from the tremendously great shock of having been witness to an object speeding right _through_ Sasuke, if his gaping mouth, wide open eyes and arms still protectively raised in front of himself are proof enough of it. He is not even aware of how much time goes by before he gets his bearings - or tries to - maybe it's only a second, maybe it's a whole ten minutes.

"You…" He fumbles through the words, gasping like a fish out of water, choking on thin air. "You're… you're not…" Before spluttering out all of a sudden. "…You're not corporeal!"

"Ooh, big word." Sasuke teases with a smirk. "Where did you learn it?"

Naruto frowns in indignation. "I… I'm being serious right now!"

Sasuke nods. "So am I."

"This is… this is not…I-" He rakes a rough hand through his hair in disbelief, mostly, but slight outrage too. "And you have the guts to say you're not a ghost?!"

Sasuke arches a brow, tilting his head to the side in apparent confusion. "Actually, I just said the opposite. _You're_ the one who said-" He raises his voice a few octaves to imitate him, even if he goes way too high for it to even be similar to Naruto's voice, laughing through it. _"'-Ghosts don't exist.'"_

"…That's true." Naruto mumbles, choosing to ignore the poorly executed imitation of himself, nodding so quickly his head might as well break off his neck and tumble to the ground. "That's true!" He repeats louder, as if to convince himself this is the only truth and even going as far as slapping his own cheeks, _again_ , albeit lightly this time.

Sasuke turns his head away for a second, trying to cover up another bout of laughter he is holding back.

"What-" Naruto regards him with an exaggerated amount of suspicion and takes a cautious step back, gesturing wildly in his direction. "-What was… _that?"_

"I can't really be touched?" Sasuke shrugs, he _shrugs,_ like this is somehow… not impossible. "Not that big of a deal."

"No that big of a deal- are you fucking _kidding_ me right now?!" Naruto starts pacing back and forth and with the way he is shaking his head so fast someone might even consider him to be having spasms. "This _is_ a _big deal!_ This is a _huge_ deal! This is-" He halts, only to stare so intensely one would think he just discovered the meaning of life.

Sasuke blinks at his abrupt pause, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "…You good?"

"That's right!" Naruto exclaims out of the blue. "You…you're not Sasuke!" He yells out with the momentary rush of epiphany that seizes him.

Their conversation of that morning, thoughts of finding out just why Sasuke is here, _everything,_ it all… gets thrown out the window. Because thinking that Sasuke might be a 'ghost' and actually seeing proof of it with his _own eyes_ are two terribly different things, and Naruto…

Well, no one should berate him for freaking out a little now.

The problem is, when Naruto freaks out he sometimes tends to think, and _overthink_ , and thoughts swirl around in his head until they aggregate into this unbelievable mess only he believes in… which happens thanks to denial, mostly. A fervid imagination helps too. And Naruto can use a great amount of denial when he wants to. Like right now, for example, when he decides to cling to it like a starved man, desperate to be right.

Sasuke raises his head to the sky, letting out a slow exhale. "This again? I thought we were past it already." And looks back at Naruto with just a hint of exasperation. "I am _me._ That's it. I seriously don't know how else to put it for you to understand."

"Nuh-uh." Naruto tuts and clicks his tongue, shaking a finger in front of Sasuke's face as if dealing with a child. "You're _not._ But I know what you are, I figured it out. You're a- _"_

"Yo."

Naruto and Sasuke both spin around at the new voice joining in, only to find Kiba and Shino standing a few feet away.

"What are you doing here?" Naruto asks Kiba with a hint of annoyance.

"I could ask you the same." Kiba replies with the same hint of annoyance.

Naruto turns to Sasuke, then to Kiba, then back to Sasuke again.

"What are you-" But before Sasuke can even finish his question, the blond is already sprinting towards the newcomers.

"You!" Naruto puts an arm around Kiba's shoulders as he leans in conspiratorially and, going against himself and his best interest, finally asks. "Tell me… how many people are you seeing _right_ _now?_ Beside you and me here?"

"Yesterday was not proof enough for you? What about _today?_ Like I've told you already, they can't see me." Sasuke practically sing-songs, but Naruto ignores him.

"…Is that a trick question?" Kiba regards his friend warily, but mostly with bafflement since a single glance is enough to show there are people all around them going on with their day. "Or have you finally lost your mind?"

In response Naruto decides to take it a step further. He pinches his arm.

"Ow!" Kiba yelps, rubbing at the sore spot as he takes a step back. "What was that for?!"

"…I knew it. This isn't really a dream." Naruto tells himself. "But I had to be absolutely sure."

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

Kiba yelps again after another pinch. "Hey! Stop pinching me!"

Naruto innocuously shrugs, but under his breath he utters. "…Not gonna lie, it was for personal satisfaction this time."

Sasuke snorts when Naruto ducks down to avoid a swat from Kiba, but the blond has certainly more pressing matters to tackle than having to deal with an _idiot._

"Oi! I heard that!" Kiba exclaims as he tries to swing another hit. "You're the only idiot here!"

Oops, sometimes Naruto thinks out loud. But, whatever.

"I knew it, you're useless." Naruto continues to berate him, as if for some unexplainable reason this mess is all Kiba's fault.

"Excuse me!?" Said boy exclaims, offended. " _You're_ useless."

Naruto scoffs. "Shut up, idiot, no one has time to deal with your idiocy today."

"What did you just say? You little-"

"I know what this is." Naruto interrupts Kiba, continuing to ignore him, and, once again, decides to focus his every ounce of attention on Sasuke… like this is anything new.

What is _new_ , however, is his change of attitude towards the whole ordeal, because what he says next is-

"Someone has _cursed_ me."

Sasuke has a hand on his forehead already, as if waiting to face-palm. "…Aaand here we go again."

"You, you're not really here!" Naruto goes on to explicate his brilliant theory. "No, you're hiding somewhere, watching. And I bet you're laughing at this too, huh? Thinking it's driving me _crazy!"_ His voice raises as the exhilaration of his new 'discovery' grows, and the heads of a few people turn for a moment, thinking him to be actually crazy, though he ignores everyone and everything else in favor to point at Sasuke with newfound determination. "But that's where you're wrong!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Kiba feels only slightly more weirded out than before while Shino, as usual, is silently observing the scene.

"'Cause you won't beat me this time! You hear me?!" Naruto all but screams, staring up at the sky as if the 'real' Sasuke might be hiding behind a cloud.

"…That's the opposite of what is going on here, I can tell you as much." Sasuke's expression is as perfunctory as his words.

But he goes unheard, given that Naruto's fervid imagination is already bubbling with a hundred scenarios, mostly ones involving Sasuke in an alcove, concealing himself with a dark cloak that covers him head to toe, cackling evilly- in that exaggerated way villains tend to do- all the while hissing something sinister to a crystal sphere as he brews a potion or two, that he will later instruct 'fake Sasuke' to give to him.

"Alright, that might literally be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard." Sasuke says flatly.

But it escapes Naruto's notice how this time he has not uttered one word of this particular scenario out loud, which is why he doesn't stop to ask just _how_ Sasuke knew what he had been thinking, which would probably be in his best interest to do.

Instead, Naruto decides to deal the last blow, voice lowering accordingly to match the impact of such a great realization.

"Because you… you're a witch!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"You know, when people say, 'never underestimate the power of denial'… yeah, now I get what they mean by that." Sasuke nods to himself, as if he has just made a new discovery himself.

Having just witnessed Naruto talking crazy to himself, even Kiba is past the limit of being weirded out. "Dude, the hell?"

Naruto's pointer finger, still in the air, changes direction towards him. "You shut up, moron!"

"Who are you calling moron, huh?! You little shi-!"

"If I may interject."

Shino, who had been silent all along, quietly and politely interrupts. His two friends instantly cease their bickering.

Naruto tilts his head to the side, staring puzzled but a little curious. "What is it?"

"I think I might have a solution for your…'witch' problem." Shino continues without batting an eyelid. Not that they could see even if he did so behind the dark lenses, but still.

Naruto's eyes practically sparkle at the new piece of information as he throws himself at Shino, only to shake him back and forth like a rag doll. "Really?!"

Kiba also turns to stare at his best friend, but not nearly as enthusiastic as the blond. In fact, he is mostly confused as he repeats weary, "…Really?"

When Naruto finally stops shaking him, Shino nods calmly. "Someone from my family used to deal with a similar issue, which was solved with the help of another family member."

"Who?" Kiba asks, curiously.

"My grandmother's cousin's husband's aunt's sister's neighbour's grandfather's uncle's brother's friend." Shino replies with no rush even if he says it all in one breath, almost as if he has rehearsed it.

Naruto and Kiba exchange looks and whispers.

"…What did he just say?"

"…I got lost at someone's cousin?"

"Whatever." Naruto goes back to shaking him again like his life depends on it. "Tell me who that is! Who can help me?!"

"I can't say his name." Shino's voice is still bland when he answers, as if his brain isn't currently trying to jump out of his head from Naruto's current treatment. Lowering his tone almost dramatically, he adds, "…because he goes by no name."

"Oooh." Naruto gapes a little, intrigued. "Is he a witch too?"

Shino slightly frowns, confused. "…Technically, that would make him a wizard. But I don't suppose that is the case-"

"Who cares, as long as he knows how to deal with this… black magic, or white magic, or red magic, or whatever kinda magic this is, I'll take the chance! Where can I find this guy?!"

As soon as Shino tells him what he wants to know, Naruto wastes no time in setting to find this stranger who might be the solution to all of his problems. In his hurry, he throws an excited, and just slightly crazed, grin at Sasuke. "Ah-ha! Start counting your hours now 'cause they're numbered!"

"…I can't believe _you can_ even _believe_ something like this." Sasuke mutters as he begrudgingly follows after him.

Kiba and Shino are left behind, starting after their running friend.

"Should we go after him?" Shino asks after a minute.

Kiba hums quietly, before stretching out his arms. "Nah, he looks fine enough to be out on his own today. Besides…" He thoughtfully looks up at the sky, only for a moment, before scratching the back of his head with the hint of a smile. "…doesn't he look better than he's been in weeks? Something good must've happened."

Shino nods in agreement.

Kiba throws an arm around his best friend's shoulders as they keep walking. "Man, let me tell you, you've got a weird kind of family."

"Thank you." Shino replies in a monotone.

"That wasn't meant as a compliment."

* * *

In the late afternoon, they arrive at the designated place.

Naruto grins like he has just found the secret recipe to a new delicious version of ramen.

Sasuke stares blankly, still unimpressed.

In front of the two stands what appears to be an almost hidden shack amid the thick foliage of the forest. It's rusty, with grey and unevenly sized stones that make up the windowless walls, and vines grow up the archway. Dirt and moss cling to the sagging roof that juts out, the wooden door barely hangs on its hinges at a jaunty angle and the grass grows long and unkempt around it.

And if not for the thin trail of smoke curling out of the crooked chimney the shack would look uninhabited.

Sasuke puts his hands in his pockets, sighing with an almost wistful shake of the head. "And here I was, hoping you'd bring me somewhere more fun and lively after this morning."

"Oh, you're going somewhere fun, all right. Because you're going back to where the hell you came from, you evil spirit!" Naruto shouts in a bout of excitement, still somewhat starstruck in his fantasies.

"You're really stubborn, I have to give you that." Sasuke smiles at him in amusement. "But this won't work~"

"Heh, you're only saying that 'cause you're scared now." Naruto taunts.

"Scared of... what?" The boy pauses, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. "Being sent away by a lunatic who thinks he's related to Shino in some way?"

"Listen." Naruto leans closer and whispers in the same way Ino does when she's gossiping. "I've heard that Shino has some strange relatives."

Sasuke clicks his tongue and waves a dismissive hand in the air in the same way Sakura does when she's gossiping. "That's not the point right now."

"You're right." Naruto nods, self-assured. "The point is, whatever _you-"_ And points at him, yet again, then stares up at the sky, again. "-are doing right now isn't gonna work on me! You hear me Sasuke?! I know you're listening!"

Sasuke sighs and places a hand on his forehead, again, as if ready to face-palm, again. "Will you stop that? It's not like someone is hiding in the trees and waiting for a chance to jump-scare you, you know."

"So you're hiding behind a bush?" Naruto asks instead, perking up a little as he goes to inspect a few of the bushes surrounding them, actually expecting for Sasuke to be hiding behind one and waiting for the opportunity to jump-scare him.

And Sasuke lets out another exasperated sigh. "…God, you're dense sometimes. Well, most of the time, actually."

"Hey!" Naruto leans away from one of the more 'suspicious' bushes, thinking he might find the 'real' Sasuke among them, to practically glower at him. "I'm not 'dense', I'm very bright!"

"You're in denial and that's an undeniable fact." Sasuke states, crossing his arms over his chest almost stubbornly as he narrows his eyes at the other - _definitely stubborn_ \- teen. "Why can't you just accept that I'm here-"

A low creak catches the boys by surprise, making them both turn to see the door rattling in its efforts to open. The wood squeaks and it almost seems like it will splinter off its grip any second as it finally gives in, opening up a sliver.

The only sight that greets them from the other side is darkness.

"And you say this isn't magic?" Naruto comes to stand beside him, voice taking on a new pitch of wonder as he looks at the door.

Sasuke sends him a skeptical glance. "Someone just opened it, obviously. What kind of magic would you even need to open a door?"

The blond shakes his head, almost disappointed. "You know, for someone who's made out of magic you definitely underestimate its power."

"There's no 'power of magic' involved here!" The dark haired boy counters around a frustrated huff.

"Whatever you say." Naruto tells him a bit insolently, before narrowing his eyes in distrust and uttering under his breath. _"Liar."_

Sasuke's eyebrow ticks in slight irritation, but before either of them can add any more, the door opens further, reminding the blond why they are here in the first place.

"Ha! We'll see who laughs last now!" Naruto exclaims over his shoulder and all but runs inside.

Sasuke is left to gape, a bit flabbergasted. "I didn't even laugh in the first place!" But follows anyway.

What is noticeable right away is that the inside is definitely colder, and darker too. In fact if it weren't for the natural light filtering in, the place would be shrouded in pitch black darkness.

The space is almost squared-sized, but fairly large, and on closer inspection the room appears to be overflowing with layers of dust, cobwebs strewn all over. There is a row of tables with the most imaginable and unimaginable contents on top, and the shelves are stocked full of jars filled with different kinds of herbs and ingredients. To be fair, more than a living space it appears to be a storage of some sort.

Naruto is moving in cautious but eager steps, keeping his guard up as he takes everything in. He grows excited, wondering if there is some sort of secret to this mystery shack, a concealed passageway that perhaps leads to somewhere even more mysterious. He quietly gasps, drawing Sasuke's attention too, when his gaze lands on a large cauldron by the corner of the room.

"…What is this, the Harry Potter world." Sasuke says dryly.

Naruto ignores him.

But out of nowhere, they hear a loud _thump._ And then a shout of, _"Who's there!?"_

Startled, Naruto stumbles a few steps back. The wall behind him thankfully breaks his fall. It takes a second for his eyes to adjust to the surroundings, but when they do he finds… there is someone in front of him. It's a short man with grey hair and a greyer beard, clothed in a dark sort of robe and holding with both hands what appears to be a spear of some kind, which is pointed right at him.

"Still thinking this is the solution to all of your problems?" Sasuke is the one to taunt this time.

Naruto sends him a glare, but otherwise ignores him in favor of returning to glare at the stranger. "You scared me, Oji-chan!" He accuses, regaining his footing and proceeding to pat himself down of no doubt the dust his clothes collected. He barely holds back a sneeze.

"Who are you calling an old man you brat?!" The old man grumbles for a bit at first, still holding up his weapon. "Who sends you here?"

"Shin-"

Before he can even finish, the old man is already nodding and lowering down the spear. "Ah, yes, yes. My grandson's grandmother's cousin's husband's aunt's sister's neighbour's grandfather's uncle's brother's friend."

"Yeah, he… mentioned that." Naruto shoots him a weirded out look, before quickly shaking his head to rid it of every other useless thought, putting his maximum focus on the problem at hand. "Anyway, I really need your help Oji-chan!"

"Hey, hey, hey! Who are you calling old man?!"

"You?" He asks rhetorically.

"I'll have you know I am wise beyond my years, kid!" The man hollers angrily in an almost rehearsed way, as if he always has to repeat the same thing to whoever he meets. Then, more subdued, he adds. "And I am still young in spirit."

Naruto raises a skeptical brow. "Whatever you say, Oji-chan."

"You brat-"

"Okay, this is _definitely_ not going to work." Sasuke speaks over the angry little old man.

Naruto scowls at him. "You shut up!"

"What did you just say!?" The old man exclaims in outrage.

"Ah, no- not _you!"_ Naruto waves quick hands in the air, before pointing to his side. "I was talking to _him."_

The old man blinks. "…"

Naruto lets out a long sigh, suffering (and exasperated), and rubs at the back of his neck with only slight hesitation before he speaks again. "Er, you see, it's the reason why I'm here…"

At that, the old man composes himself and they sit down in a more secluded area of the shack where he can finally explain what is going on.

**.**

**.**

**.**

And Naruto _does_ explain what is going on, in details, trying to think of anything relevant that might help this stranger in getting rid of this 'ghost' once and for all. But _of course_ he has to add in his own theories, too.

"-and this is all an elaborate curse I was hit with!" The blond ninja finally ends his long and detailed (and _delusional)_ explanation.

"…"

"…"

"…"

After a few moments of silence, in which the old man carefully ponders over what he just listened to, he nods, appearing intrigued. "And you say you know this… person?"

"Yeah, he's a-" Naruto halts all of a sudden. This is the only detail he has refrained from revealing, as there is only one word that comes to mind for him to say – _friend._ He tries to find a roundabout way to describe Sasuke… but in the end settles for a very simplified version of the complexity of their relationship. "…an old acquaintance."

Sasuke winces. "Wow. Feels like I have just been demoted from best friend to simple 'acquaintance.'"

Naruto frowns at him, scoffing. "We were never 'best friends.'"

Sasuke appears positively _scandalized._ "Excuse me? Yes, we were. We a _re."_ And now he is the one who sounds accusing, as if he can't just accept the fact that Naruto wouldn't throw their friendship in his face at every chance he gets. A bit childishly, he fires back. _"You_ are the first who said we were, actually."

Naruto bristles, trying to deny anything and everything. "I-I did no such thing!"

Sasuke deadpans, like Naruto is bullshitting him. _"Liar."_ He says under his breath, in the same exact why the blond did a while ago.

Their conversation gets promptly interrupted by a quiet cough. "Should I leave?" The old man asks, as if this one-sided conversation became private all of a sudden.

Naruto turns to gape at the one who is supposed to solve his 'ghostly' problems. "What? No! Of course not! Just-" He waves his hand in a _whoosh_ towards Sasuke. "-make him disappear! C'mon!"

But, as if crowned the new voice of reason, Shino's strange relative (or he says to be) assumes a serious tone. "It seems you and your… invisible acquaintance here have some issues you might want to work through between the two of you, before you take any reckless decision."

"Someone _finally_ gets it!" Sasuke exclaims happily. "It's what I've been trying to tell you since I got here!"

"Shut up!" Naruto slams both palms on the wooden table, making a few of the trinkets rattle slightly on the surface. "Both of you!" When met with nothing but silence, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in, only to open them narrowed intently at the man in front of him. "Look, all I want is to get rid of this witch's curse."

The old man stares back pointedly. "You mean 'wizard?'"

Naruto waves a dismissive hand in the air. "Details." Only to stop himself, leaning back on the legs of the chair as he faces the ceiling, looking to be in deep contemplation. "I don't know how long he's been one, maybe… he's a witch in training?"

The legs of the chair screech against the floorboards when he resumes his previous position, now leaning in with his elbows on the table and lowering his voice, as if revealing confidential information.

"You know, between you and me, I've always thought Orochimaru was involved in some voodoo kinda stuff. I mean, have you gotten a _good look_ at the guy? He probably practices some black magic on the side, or whatever other colored magic there is. That's where Sasuke must have gotten it from, I bet he's casting these 'spells' all over the place to train. Tch, stupid witches and their ego, always thinking they can get away with anything." Naruto finishes, shaking his head in disgust as if he has a personal vendetta against witches or something.

Sasuke slowly, _slowly_ turns to stare at him, wearing the flattest expression. "…Let me reiterate. This is literally one of the _stupidest_ things I have ever heard."

"Shut up you witch."

Sasuke rolls his eyes again, putting his head in his hands as he lets out a muffled sort of groan, looking like he has given up on life and like he wants to choke Naruto, simultaneously.

"That makes perfect sense." The old man says instead, also leaning in conspiratorially. "But who's this Orochimaru fella?"

Naruto blinks, mouth slightly agape. "…You don't go out much, do you?"

"I live surrounded by nature." The host opens up his arms, gesturing at his home. "I am _out."_

Naruto glances down at a patch of moss-y grass growing through the floor… if it can even be called a _floor._ "…Yeah, I see your point." He quickly shakes his head, looking back at the old man with almost murderous determination. "Now, can you get rid of him or what?"

The man sighs and folds his arms, he mumbles something, almost as if having a silent conversation with himself, but in the end agrees. "Alright, alright, let's try. But don't you come cryin' to me when you'll regret it."

Naruto laughs loud and boisterous, and a bit forced. "Trust me, this is the best decision I've probably ever taken!"

And all there is left to do is for him to (im)patiently wait, very much so, as the old man - _'I heard that! I'm very much young in spirit!'_ \- rummages through… well, _whatever_ he owns. It feels like an eternity, but in truth is only a few minutes of wait when his 'savior' returns with a vial containing a strange, vivid red liquid that he gives him.

"Drink that."

Eyeing the vial in his hand, Naruto feels a bit of uncertainty creeping in.

"Seriously?" Sasuke asks in astonishment. "You're willing to drink that concoction just to have me disappear?"

"I… yes!" Naruto replies stubbornly and all traces of hesitation are gone, as if Sasuke's words have awoken the 'spoken and unspoken' competition between them. He won't lose against him!

With stubbornness that fills him down to his every cell, he brings the unknown brew up to his lips and drinks it all in one go. He keeps his eyes closed, waiting for something, although he is not sure what to expect. But after counting to ten in his head, he slowly peeks from one eye and then the other.

"This is… kinda sweet." He comments as the strange liquid hits his taste buds.

"So?" The old man prompts, eager to know if his 'solution' has worked.

With his heart almost slamming in his chest, Naruto risks a glance beside him and… deadpans. "…No. He's still here."

With his chin resting on his palm and still looking distinctly unimpressed, Sasuke scoffs. "Of course I'm still here, moron."

"How dare you call me that!"

But before more bickering can take place, Naruto is already being offered another 'potion.' "Let's try… this one!"

And so it goes, with the strange drinks flowing…

"No."

"Nuh-uh."

"Nothing."

"Nada."

"Not even this one."

"Nope, he's still here."

…and Sasuke not disappearing.

No matter how many Naruto tries, the 'curse of the witch', as he has come to refer to, doesn't seem to lift from him. And after the fiftieth drink two things appear painfully clear.

1\. Ghosts, or witches, depends on your point of view, can be very stubborn and refuse to leave, even when one drinks a crazy amount of 'magic' drinks to make them do so.

2\. This man could definitely open up a successful business with his strange but tasty drinks, but as a ghost or witch 'chaser' however… he should probably reconsider his career choice.

"Let's stop this already." Sasuke complains, as if tired of sitting there and doing nothing. "Do you seriously think this old man has any clue about what's even going on here? I mean, no offense but the guy lives in the middle of the woods, surrounded by crazy stuff, not to mention his weird concept of 'relatives'. Clearly, he's a fraud. And a loser."

"Hey!" Naruto hisses, still drinking from the last vial he was given. "Don't be rude."

The old man curiously looks from the boy to the vacant spot beside him. "What did he say?"

With a bit of regret, he informs him. "He says you're an old man." Even if Naruto is literally the first who referred to him as 'Oji-chan'. "And a fraud. Oh, he also called you a loser."

"What?! I'll show you who's old you brat!" The old man almost gives a war cry as he throws himself in the general direction of where Sasuke might be.

Naruto tries to suppress a snort and wonders why this man is more sensitive about being called old rather than a fraud or a loser.

"No, he's not there."

"Nuh-uh."

"A little more to your right?"

"Oh, no, to your left now."

Of course Naruto for his part even goes as far as giving directions, watching as the man tries to take hold of Sasuke, who keeps getting away even if there is no need for him to move at all.

And finally, he nods. "Yeah, you're right in front of him now."

"Do I need to spell it out for you? He's crazy." Sasuke drawls, just out of reach from the man's grasp. "Don't get me wrong though, I like him, he's a funny little old man. Just crazy."

Naruto grumbles to himself, suddenly recharged with new willpower to get rid of him. "Oji-chan, give me another one!"

"What is it with the disrespectful youth today!?"

**.**

**.**

**.**

"This is spicy." Naruto concludes after the last sip of the newest drink, somehow more focused on the taste than the reason why he came here in the first place. "Is there… did you put pepper inside this one?"

"Look, kiddo, who's the expert here?"

"…You are." Naruto mumbles.

"Exactly." The old man nods with unwavering confidence. "Which also makes me the pepper expert."

"But does that really-"

"Shhh! Let the magic do its work!"

Naruto wants to rebuke, but in the end lets it slide and lets the 'magic do its work', readying himself for the latest failed attempt. What he is not ready for, however, is how this drink seems to be… yielding certain effects.

Sasuke stands up, startling him as he starts pacing back and forth, almost maniacally so, before just as abruptly coming to a stop. He raises both hands to his neck all of a sudden, giving the impression he can't take a breath.

Naruto gasps, almost letting the empty vial fall from his now loose grasp.

"What, what is it?" The old man asks after he sees his expression changing.

"I… I think it's… working…" Naruto gets up too, so fast the chair falls back with a dull thud. But he ignores it in favor of taking a step towards Sasuke.

Their eyes meet. Sasuke looks at him, only for the split of a second, before letting out a silent and stifled groan, then falling to his knees, barely breathing. With a final gasp, he curls in on himself and…

…disappears.

Just like that.

"…Oh." Naruto's eyes are as wide as saucers when he turns to the now only other occupant of the shack.

A heavy silence settles over them, until…

"It worked!" Naruto shouts with an almost scary amount of euphoria. "It really worked!"

For someone so confident in his 'line of work', the old man appears to be as surprised as he feels. "It… it did?"

"Yes!" Naruto engulfs him in a bear hug and suddenly they are jumping up and down in celebration. "Oji-chan, you did it!"

"I did it-! Hey! Stop calling me that you inconsiderate brat!"

**.**

**.**

**.**

With a new rush of optimism coursing through him, Naruto thinks he can finally go back to his life as it was, with no ghosts and witches of old _acquaintances_ to disrupt it! He is so happy about this new turn of events he even paid the old man far more than what was required for his 'job', but it was definitely well earned. He is now walking back with light steps, arms crossed behind his head, chin up and grinning at the evening sky.

"…Thinking about it, the old man might be the real witch after all." He mumbles to himself, shrugging.

His mind starts working overtime, thoughts ranging from what mission he would be carrying out tomorrow to what he should eat for dinner tonight, oh, maybe he could settle for a nice bowl of-

"Boo."

Naruto stops on his tracks, one foot still raised a few inches off the ground.

He clenches his eyes shut, telling himself that after everything that has happened lately it's simply his imagination right now, but… he can _feel_ this is the wrong answer. "…No. No, no, no." He quietly whispers to himself, as if pleading with a higher force. "…Oh c'mon, don't do this to me right now."

But when, slowly, oh _so painfully_ _slowly,_ he cranes his neck back to look behind him…

He finds Sasuke leaning against a nearby tree.

"So, missed me in these last… five minutes we haven't seen each other?" Sasuke asks with an arrogant smirk, even jokingly wiggling his eyebrows.

Naruto curses under his breath, stomping a foot on the ground. "…Shit."

"Speaking of shit-" Sasuke continues just as eloquently. "I told you from the beginning _that_ shit wasn't going to work. I'm not a 'witch'-" He raises a pointed eyebrow at that. "-or a spawn of the devil, or anything else you can think of that can be sent away with… whatever the hell was in those drinks."

"…This is not happening." Naruto tries to tell himself with every last ounce of denial and despair he can cling to.

Sasuke's face morphs in a perfect picture of confusion as he has a look around the forest, as if searching for something, before lifting both shoulders in a shrug as he looks back at him. "Would you look at that, it seems like this _is_ happening. Shocker." He can barely hold back on his smirk.

Naruto rubs furious hands all over his face, as if this is just a dream he will wake up from. "You- you disappeared! I saw it with my own eyes!"

"Oh, that?" Sasuke chuckles. "I thought I'd just humor you for a while. Plus, I'm a great actor, if I do say so myself."

"…What the fuck." Naruto maffles into his palms, letting his head drop down in a defeated sigh. "…I can't believe _this."_

Sasuke exhales quietly. In a few and slow strides he comes to stand next to him. "Look, I know the situation is not…" His face pinches slightly, as if he's looking for the right word. " _Ideal."_ He leans a bit closer, searching for his eyes even if Naruto still has his hands over his face. "But we'll figure something out."

"I don't want to figure anything out!" Naruto screams in frustration, kicking at a rock as he yanks his hands away from his eyes, scowling down to the ground (even if his scowl looks a _bit_ more of a pout). He starts walking again, far less enthusiastically than before, grumbling to himself. "… and here I thought I had found a way to get rid of you…" He completely smothers down the tiniest pang of guilt he feels at the admittance.

Sasuke lets out another sigh, but an amused one this time and, smirking softly, he keeps following after him.

* * *

Once back in his apartment Naruto hastily kicks off his sandals and takes off his jumpsuit, falling back on his bed with his feet touching the cold floor, only to have his vision fill with the almost invisible cracks running through the dull whiteness of the ceiling. The drapes are still half drawn from the morning, even if the night is now looming in.

Almost as an afterthought he decided to turn on the small lamp on his bedside table, that envelopes the room in a flickering, artificial light. Because he doesn't want to be surrounded by darkness any more than he has to, he is already creeped out enough as it is.

Silently, he asks the universe what the hell is going on with his life.

Unfortunately for him the universe doesn't answer back.

"…This is the worst." He concludes, and he doesn't know if he is pissed off at the universe, at Sasuke, or maybe even at himself.

"Someone's worst could wind up becoming another's best." Sasuke says back to him as he takes a seat on the foot of his bed.

With all the energy he has left, Naruto pathetically drags himself into a sitting position, though he is still slouching, aiming a weak glare in his direction. "…You're saying you're getting something out of my misery?"

Sasuke's features scrunch up in a frown. "What? No, wait, I meant that something you now think is the worst could later turn out to be something you treasure? At least I think I heard someone say this once, or was it a proverb? You know what, I'll get back to you once I check."

Naruto rolls his eyes and heaves another exhale- honestly, what else can he do at this point? It's not like there is much denial left to hold on to.

"Hey, look at me."

Naruto's downcast head slowly lifts, eyes flitting to him almost unconsciously because Sasuke's voice has gotten quieter and far less amused now, and it sounds like something too important to be skipping out on.

When he finally chances a look at his face, the somberness he finds makes a weight drop inside him, feeling its heaviness spreading down to his every limb. It almost feels as if someone froze the moment in time, froze him in place so he won't be able to escape, so he won't be able to spare himself from something he doesn't even want to think about dealing with.

And then Sasuke is talking again.

"I'm not going anywhere, Naruto."

He barely needs to utter it in a whisper, the room is so painfully quiet that the words sound deafeningly loud, drowning out the hopes Naruto built in his head, that this would only be another nightmare to wake out of… just like everything else.

But the reality is terrifyingly starting to trickle in through his strongest defenses.

Sasuke dares a smile, it's a small one, it's sympathetic, and so careful. But his smile has a rueful edge to it, (as if he _knows)._ And it makes him feel _so much_ _worse._

"Not this time."

The distinct finalty in his words has the panic inside him increase tenfold. The heaviness seizing Naruto is enough to freeze the breath in his lungs. Enough to make him avert his eyes, because there is an unpleasantly _familiar_ sting that distorts his vision, and he grits his teeth, lowering his head to hide it.

This can't be happening.

Not now.

…Not when Naruto was finally relieved to have him gone, not when Sasuke's betrayal had finally stopped hurting.


	7. Quiet Lapse (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You think these two things are connected?"
> 
> "You think they're not?"

His eyelids ripple open like waves, shedding sleep and greeting the bland pallor of the ceiling and the rays of sunlight slipping through the cracks in the blinds. A dull ache is throbbing behind his eyes, settling on his temples almost comfortably so, and only now that he is coming to, does he finally notice how last night he ended up falling into the oblivion of slumber.

But as he wakes, he wakes to… quiet.

There is no external pull from the outside to shock him into consciousness, no real sound that could cut through the dissipating haze in his mind, nothing to be heard, nothing except his shallow breaths.

It's _too_ quiet.

Naruto almost leaps to his feet, ignoring how the world spins around him, or how his line of vision fills with dancing black dots, in favor of ducking down and rooting around under his bed.

Nothing.

Sprinting to the balls of his feet the cold of the floorboards seeps in as he trudges along with wary and soundless steps, this time walking up to his closet. On the break of a breath he yanks open the doors.

Nothing.

A small frown mars his face as he gives the room a quick-once over. One by one checks all the places inside his apartment he could think to be hiding spots, the bathroom included.

Nothing still.

At one point he gets so jittery in his frenzied search he even pulls open the cabinets in his kitchen.

And… nothing.

…Well, it's quite obvious how a grown teenager wouldn't have anywhere to fit in such a limited amount of space, but as far as anyone knows ghosts could have the oddest and most unconventional tricks up their sleeves.

After a thorough quest that ends in nothing but disappointment he can't exactly do much except for dropping back on his bed, half-heartedly glowering at the inanimate objects surrounding him.

It dawns on him then, he is looking for the ghost of a living person inside his house.

"…It's official. I've gone crazy." He mumbles to himself, sounding very much the opposite of reassuring. And with _all_ the faults he could think up at this point, the more pressing one seems to be… "Shit. If Kiba hears about this he'll never let me live it down."

"If Kiba hears about what?"

Naruto whirls his head around so fast his vision distorts and his balance falters, making him tumble off the bed. _Again._ But he doesn't even have time to recover that he finds Sasuke sitting atop his closet, sporting a big grin.

"Hi there." Sasuke waves cheerfully.

Naruto lets out a choked off breath, the gasp of a scream, and draws back, only to find his bed blocking the way.

Sasuke's face scrunches up, almost thoughtfully so. "You know, you need to stop getting scared so easily. Sooner or later you're gonna get one nasty concussion."

"And you need to stop showing up out of fucking nowhere!" Naruto points out with far less composure.

"Oh." The other boy pauses, as if taking the words in stride, before nodding slowly. "I guess this might be my fault… partly." Then he proceeds to shrug. "My bad."

He gapes at him. "Your 'bad'?! It's _all_ your fault!"

Sasuke raises his head slightly when he speaks again, sounding fairly condescending. "Now, let's not start accusing at random."

"This isn't _random-_ this is- i-it's-" He stutters his way through, the adrenaline in his system not providing any clarity whatsoever to a real answer.

"'This is?'" Sasuke echoes, grin back and gleeful. "…What is _this,_ Naruto?"

…He _doesn't know!_

Instead of answering, he resolves to fix him with a waspish scowl and snappish glare. Unfazed, that little rise in the corner of Sasuke's mouth goes higher, as if to challenge him.

And as if adding more fuel, he asks next, "So, what's the schedule for today?"

Being reminded he has to spend another day in the company of… _him_ yet again, Naruto lets himself fall flat against the floor with a suffering groan.

* * *

The schedule for today didn't involve one of the usual 'time-wasting' missions, it was more of a 'put in your elbow grease' kind of deal instead, given that they would help with the reconstruction.

With the scenery changing the further he walked Naruto couldn't help but ponder over the recent changes. He didn't remember how long ago precisely, but the village used to be tents over dirt and nothing more (hopelessness and despair filling strangers and friends' eyes wherever he looked). The situation had thankfully changed for the better. But leftover bitterness lingered (at least in him, it did).

Naruto is aware he's reached the accorded destination when he finds himself inside an area that is just a little less than lived. People are hard at work, swarming in and out to help and each with their own task to carry out, but no one currently lives here.

Sasuke takes in the new view with a dip of the head and a hum, before quipping, "Looks cozy."

"Yeah, well, getting pulverized to the ground before lunch will do that to anyone." Naruto replies absent-mindedly.

"Did you just-" Sasuke blinks rapidly, as if in alarm. "-was that a joke? A sarcastic jab? From _you?"_

Naruto feels as surprised as Sasuke looks as he blinks back at him. Did he really just joke about the village being... his lips part with a defensive retort on the tip of his tongue, when out of the blue his sight fills with a white blur.

And before Naruto has the sense, or the time, to react he is tackled to the ground. Lying flat on his back, he slowly peels his eyes open to the azure sky streaked with wisps of clouds drifting by. Getting caught off guard is happening way too _often_ lately, he thinks to himself. When he takes notice of a moving weight on his chest he raises his head enough to see just who his bushwhacker is.

Only to have his mouth fall open in a smile.

"Akamaru!"

The giant dog barks happily, licking all over his face and making him laugh at the ticklish sensation.

"You big goofball, you got me scared me for a second there!" Naruto exclaims as he pets and scratches him all over while Akamaru nuzzles his face in appreciation.

"Akamaru, here you are." Kiba calls out once he's close enough, with Shino right behind him. "C'mon. Let the knuckle-head breathe a little."

Naruto laughs as the giant dog, that right now looks more of a big puppy, draws back enough for him to sit up. "How haven't you gotten tired of this buffoon yet?" He asks Akamaru as he scratches at his chin, voice slightly high-pitched in a way that sounds both cooing and mocking.

Akamaru barks and licks his face as if answering him, prompting a laugh out of Naruto.

Kiba raises an eyebrow. "'Buffoon?'"

Naruto faces him with the small imprint of a grin while still playing with Akamaru. "Heard Sakura-chan say it the other day and I thought to myself, 'now this sounds like the perfect new nickname for Kiba, it's just so fitting.' But hey, there's nincompoop too if that's more of your style?"

Kiba shakes his head and cracks a grin of his own. "Why don't you think about _your_ style, you _little shit."_

Naruto smiles up at him as the other boy extends a hand to him and he takes it, careful of Akamaru, patting him on the head one last time as the dog backs off.

"So." Kiba starts once he's pulled him to his feet. "Did you solve that problem with the 'witch'?"

He turns his head to the side with a grunted mutter of _'I wish'_ under his breath

Beside him Sasuke snorts.

"What?" Kiba asks confused.

"Nothing, nothing." Naruto says louder this time and changes the subject. "You guys already know what we're starting with?"

As Shino explains more in detail the task for the day, Naruto's eyes can't help but wander as he truly stops to take in the sight. The area they're in is nothing more than a sketchy map now, an incongruous calamity, all around him he sees the foundations, concrete labs and infrastructures, making the buildings look something akin to skeletons, as if they're growing through and out of the ground.

"Where's Sakura-chan?" He asks all of a sudden, a little too brittle, interrupting Shino mid-explanation.

"From what I heard she got held back at the hospital." Kiba answers around a half-yawn, scratching at the back of his head.

"...Oh." Naruto lets out, slightly deflated, because Sakura's presence (and truthfully Sai's too) has turned into something essentially indispensable. They have always been fairly close, what with being teammates and friends since childhood, but after-… after the attack they have grown closer still. It's come to the point where they rarely spend a day outside each other's company.

Kiba throws an arm around his shoulders and despite how casual it is, the gesture still manages to be as comforting as ever. "She said she'd drop by later though."

"Oh." Naruto sighs with the slow tilt of a smile, his slouched shoulders rising a little too. "Okay."

Thankfully Kiba is here. Even though he finds comfort in all of his friends, Sakura and Kiba are just a little different, they are the ones he trusts with no borders, the ones who have a way of keeping his mind off in a way no one else can manage… well, no one else except for…

Sasuke is looking right back at him. "What is it?"

Naruto, now taking notice that he's gawking, immediately averts his gaze. "Nothing." He replies in a hush.

No, Sasuke might have been of help _before,_ when they had been twelve and he had thought it was enough, that being in the same team fundamentally meant being on the same side too... but he doesn't want to go there right now. Or ever, if he can help it.

"By the way, Shino." He busies himself with focusing his mind elsewhere. "Your relative was… kinda weird."

Shino nods, completely unperturbed whatsoever. "Yes, he gets that often."

"Hmm… wonder why." Kiba's dry statement goes unheard.

And as luck would have it, the distractions today seem to be waiting just around the corner. _Literally._

"Naruto!" A familiar voice shouts within reaching distance.

"Choji!" Naruto turns around with a smile, lifting an arm to wave at him- and soon a strangled laugh escapes him as he is engulfed in a bear hug, with Choji's pats on his back being more of smacks as he squeezes him tighter, laughing too. "It's- heh- it's only been a few days."

"Feels like a whole year." Choji beams, before letting go of him to greet the others too, cutting off Kiba's chuckle with his affectionately strong ~~suffocating~~ hold.

It's a pure coincidence how Naruto's eyes stray away, and among the working people and assembling structures they end up landing on Sasuke, who is smiling at the scene too, and… he doesn't remember if he has ever seen him this serene before.

"Shikamaru is not with you?"

Naruto refocuses on the conversation taking place, willing himself at once to stop staring at him.

"They put him on a mission… for… uh…" Choji's eyebrows furrow in apparent concentration as he tries to recall. "...it has something to do with logic."

"Yeah, yeah, of course, he's the brainiac of the group." Kiba dismisses with a wave of the hand, before his face splits in a wide smirk and he strikes somewhat of a pose. "But if you're looking for biceps, then you've got 'em right in front of ya."

"You call 'biceps' those noodles arms?" Naruto asks in mocking disbelief.

"I've got one question for you." Kiba takes a slow step towards him, making his voice and demeanor as menacing as possible as he proceeds to ask his question. "…How dare you." He ends up stating instead.

Before Naruto has the time to retort, or crack up in his face, Kiba, in jest, has him 'trapped' in a choking hold.

"C'mon, if you admit I'm the strongest here, out of the pure kindness of my heart I might just let you go."

Naruto gasps through a laugh. "Eating your noodle arms would be less painful."

It prompts a snort of laughter from Choji which he tries to hide behind his hand, and a little and diverted smile from Shino, while Akamaru barks out what could be a cackle, Naruto can clearly hear Sasuke is snickering too. Kiba instead squeezes a little around his neck.

"Shino, back me up!"

Shino, like every loyal friend out there who always has their friends' backs at all costs, has the moral duty to say out loud the nickname they agreed upon and that Kiba is now mouthing to him in the remote case he happened to forget it -name which Kiba came up with and that, in his own words, is 'sick'. "Kiba is the… skull-crusher of the group." He finally says, monotonous.

"With more passion!" Kiba demands.

"Kiba is the skull-crusher of the group, with more passion." Shino adds, a little too literally.

Naruto cackles while Choji laughs out loud this time and Kiba sends his best friend a 'what the hell?' look. Whilst he's distracted and his hold loosens, Naruto takes the chance and grabs at the arm around his neck with both hands, applying a decent amount of pressure to make him stumble and, bending his knees and locking his abs in places, uses enough strength to flip him over his shoulder, but not enough to hurt him, until Kiba is landing on the ground with a quiet _thump._

In the first few seconds Kiba blinks up at him in a slight daze, just like Naruto had when Akamaru tackled him. The blond crouches down next to him, lips curling up at the sides of his face. "Let me get this right, when you say 'skull-crusher' you don't mean your own skull getting crushed, do ya?"

Akamaru runs to him and licks his face to 'console' him as the boy gently pats him and narrows his eyes in part annoyance and part exasperation.

"Fuck you." Kiba mutters to him and Naruto gives a shit-eating grin, being the one to pull him up this time around.

They end up chatting for a bit, catching up, until Shino is the first to break the light chatter and grab everyone's attention. "We should get to work."

Kiba nods, giving Naruto a pat on the back. "Why don't you do your 'miracle work' thing and get a bunch of yourselves running around?"

Naruto forces a little smile. "Right."

It's just what he's been doing lately, even if he has used this technique so often during the years it's second nature by now. And even so, there is a minute shake in his fingers as he locks his hands in place and whispers the jutsu. In a puff of smoke there are twenty copies of himself standing behind him.

As inconspicuously as he can, fumbling slightly, he gets his hands inside his pockets, his lips part to force out a heavy breath once his copies scatter. His stomach twists. It's only for a second, but he thinks he's going to be sick.

"Huh, I almost forgot you could do this." Sasuke suddenly comments from beside him.

With Sasuke clearly standing in his line of sight the overwrought sensation dissipates, bit by bit, enough for him to take his hands out again, now steadier, and there is no queasiness anymore, almost as if this never happened in the first place.

Like a lagging reflex Naruto is ready to snap, but snaps his mouth shut when he finds Kiba looking at him from a few feet away. He covers himself up with a little smile, which his friend returns. When Kiba is facing the other direction again his shoulders slump with the little breath he lets out, although instead of relief he feels more of an undertone of weariness.

Keeping a ghost secret is apparently hard work too, Naruto thinks a little peeved.

It doesn't take long at all to hear someone yell, "Pace yourself Kiba!" and Naruto casts a look around to see that Kiba is in fact already on the move and balancing ten wooden beams on both arms, with Akamaru in tow and surprisingly doing the same with five as they practically run around the area. He shakes his head to himself, Kiba's competitive side is making itself known as usual, alright.

"Guess I'll just wait for you till you're done then." Sasuke's words bring him out of his thoughts.

Naruto narrows his eyes at him, mouth forming a fake smile that is more of a scornful grimace. "Hope you don't bore yourself waiting."

Sasuke's smugness grows with his grin, much to Naruto's chagrin. "I wouldn't worry about that, you're entertaining enough to watch."

Naruto's aggravation flares up and he opens his mouth to-

"Oi, Naruto! Are you done over there?" Kiba chooses that moment to loudly interrupt, again, from the other side of the site, no doubt wanting to turn this into a contest of sorts.

Naruto's mouth falls closed and he bites back on a sigh before shouting back an affirmative reply. When he faces Sasuke again it's with his eyes narrowed and his voice pitched low. "Stay out of my way."

Sasuke raises both shoulders in clear dismissal. "It's not like I could do much even if I wanted to."

Well, from what Naruto has seen the previous day that would be mostly true. But he somehow feels Sasuke could still manage to break hell loose if only he wished to.

He shakes his head to himself to get rid of the thoughts, collecting his share of the load and also getting a move on. The faster he works, the sooner he'll be done he tells himself as he walks over to where the others are.

.

.

.

When Naruto stops it's to look up to see the sky and see it's different now, with the azure changing into a golden hue as his only telling of the time. A few hours might have passed already. But proper exhaustion is starting to worm its way in and cloud his head- it's not supposed to be happening. Today is a good day. (He can't let himself get pulled under, not today, he is supposed to be _okay.)_

There's a not too large log pile Sasuke is sitting on top of when Naruto reaches him, pausing long enough to drink a few sips of soothing water from his canteen until it's half empty. He wipes the beads that dropped down his chin with the back of his forearm once he's done, putting it back down where he also left his jumpsuit a while ago.

"Tired?" Sasuke asks in a way that sounds heedful.

Naruto sighs with a bit of effort, making this agreeing noise in the back of his throat. "…Sort of." He concedes. He stops short, blinking to himself in bewilderment- why is he even admitting this much to him in the first place?

"Maybe you should take a break, eat something."

Naruto almost freezes at the suggestion, before turning to the side and avoiding looking at him altogether. "There's no need." He mumbles in a whisper, even if they're currently alone.

"Isn't there." Sasuke intones under his breath in not so much of a question. "When was the last time you-"

But his words get cut off as they both hear someone calling Sakura's name. Naruto clicks into attention right away, practically running towards her once he sees Sakura walking over, drawing to a halt near his friends.

"Hello boys." Sakura greets once she is close enough, warmth coloring her voice.

"Hey lady." Naruto and Kiba greet back in chorus with matching twin grins.

Sakura gives them an amused smile as she approaches and starts a bit of small talk with them. Naruto is soon pulling her in a half-hug with an arm around her shoulders, it's mostly unconscious the way he leans a bit of his weight on her while Sakura's hand draws up to his back in a delicate motion. Naruto lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, this time in relief, gently bumping their heads together and making Sakura smile up at him. Her eyes are familiarly soft, silently asking if he's okay, he answers the unsaid question with a small nod of his head.

Naruto absorbs all the comfort and affection her presence always offers, the uneasiness that has been gnawing at him during the whole day finally simmers down with each second that goes by.

"I bring you gifts." Sakura says after a little, extending a small basket to them with a smile. "Well, food."

"Finally!" Choji cries out as he practically flies to her and takes hold of it, immediately starting to rummage inside. "I was starving!"

"The question is, when are you _not_ starving?" Kiba teases but Choji is far too preoccupied to hear, drawing a laugh out of his friends.

"It's all for you guys." Sakura chuckles, even though there is something quite determinate shining in her eyes. "These pills will give you the boost of energy you need!"

Except for Choji, there is a general stunted sigh in their little group. Naruto hides the lightest grimace with a smile, because Sakura has quite the list of things she is good at, great even… but cooking? …Well, one could say it's a 'work in progress'.

Of course Naruto, as teammate and best friend, has to support her efforts ~~offer himself as a guinea pig~~ and eat what she so kindly made with her own hands especially for them. His prize of consolation is that at least he isn't the only one. He finds very satisfying watching Kiba's face scrunch up as he takes a bite of the… 'pill'. Though Kiba's delight doesn't go unnoticed at Naruto's own try at keeping the food down after he takes a bite too. If he's honest though, he has to admit this is at least a better attempt than her last, he manages to eat one whole little ball of… food, if it can even be called that, without spitting it out this time.

Throughout it all Sakura watches with a little joyful smile, completely unaware of the real taste of the energetic snack she so lovingly made for her friends.

.

.

.

She ends up staying long enough to lend a hand, not only flaring up Kiba's competitiveness, but crushing it too as she lifts double the amount he does, without breaking a sweat.

At Kiba's 'defeated' spirit, Naruto, of course, can't help but rub it in just a little. "You okay over there? Don't worry about it, noodle arms, we can just ask Sakura-chan to help you carry your load too."

Kiba's indignated shout is drowned out by Naruto's loud laugh and Sakura, despite feeling a little bad for unconsciously bruising his pride, muffles a few chuckles behind her palm.

.

.

.

Sakura's leave soon after has him feeling a little fretful again, but being surrounded by familiar faces helps quash down the sensation, although there is a piercing discomfort that just won't leave him, like a needle at the base of his neck just waiting to break the skin.

He does his best to ignore it, focusing on the task at hand and the work still left to do. At times he catches sight of one of his copies too, but most of them have disappeared, though as long as they're being helpful he doesn't really care what they're up to.

They end up staying late, until most of the people start leaving. It's when they all come together again that the job is deemed as done.

"Guess we're done for today." Kiba finally sighs, although worn out he looks pleased as well. Proud.

(Naruto wishes he could feel the same.)

"I don't know about you guys, but I need to feel clean again." Choji speaks up next, before a low growl makes itself known. "…And dinner, definitely."

"Let's hit the showers then." Kiba suggests, nodding in their direction.

In fact, not that far off from them, there is a communal shower Yamato has thought to equip the area with. The structure is almost entirely made of wood and the shower spaces are separated by stalls, there are doors too with simple locks to provide privacy.

It doesn't take long at all for them to reach the place, freshening up after the strenuous work sounds tempting enough. Good thing Naruto actually remembered to bring a change this time around, walking back in the sweaty and dirty clothes is a definite no, he knows from experience.

At first he hears the loud voices of his friends as they tease each other, Kiba's being the loudest, but somewhere between stepping inside the cubicle and having the water spray over him, the noise starts fading away from his mind. As if he's alone.

Naruto feels so... so _drained._

He pushes a hand in front of himself to keep upright, almost worried his legs will give out from under him otherwise. A shock of water soaks him, it's quite cold, but he can't find it in himself to care or do anything about it even as goosebumps break out all over his arms. He breathes with difficulty underneath the steady flow, but doesn't move away from it.

He feels dirty, but knows it has little to do with the load work of the day. He eyes the small square of soap in the corner, before taking hold of it and scrubbing at his arms so hard the skin starts tinting red, and still it's not enough. He stops only when his throat closes up and starts hurting in a way that shouldn't be so familiar, he stops even if he doesn't feel clean at all, he stops because nothing seems to work anyway.

In the back of his mind he thinks about the last time he took a shower, until he remembers he hasn't had one since Sasuke showed up a little over three days ago. But he couldn't care less either way, seeing as there is not much he cares about these days (not when his soul is a step away from splintering).

Naruto lets the cold droplets rain down his body, sighing with the semblance of relief the water provides, his eyes slip closed of their own volition, almost as if to block the world standing outside.

It's quiet, a little too quiet inside his own head.

He tries to let his thoughts wander in safe places, in meaningless wastes of space, needs something that is enough to anchor him in his body and at the same time let him float away out of reach where he can pretend he doesn't feel trapped.

He doesn't know how long he stays hidden away between the four walls, but he senses he is truly alone now.

The effort, the strain, the strength, he feels them all along his body with how his limbs and core ache. He used to crave _this._ He used to crave the physical stretch, the pull of muscles, the burn of working his fingers to the bones... but now he feels like an automaton going through the motions, not even sure if he actually _feels_ most days. And it doesn't make _sense._

Naruto frowns.

No, he was having a good day, he _is,_ he can't have this now. (He can't have the weight, the thoughts. Not now.)

It's okay.

It's okay.

(It's _not_ okay.)

It's _okay._

Today he worked back to back with a horde of people, was around them since then sun rose until it set, he could (should) have noticed their hollowed out eyes brimming with hope, and lingering with despair beneath. But he didn't.

Naruto is so focused on himself, he can't see within an inch from his own nose.

"Are you drowning in there?"

His eyes shot open in shock, he startles because he can't sense anyone near enough- then he remembers, he _can't_ sense Sasuke even when he stands right beside him, let alone a few feet away. Well, _this_ Sasuke at least.

"…You can't drown in a shower stall." It's the first thing that comes to mind, and he frowns slightly at his own answer and mumbled words.

Sasuke's voice drags in a drawl. "With all the time you're wasting in there you might as well be trying to set a new record."

Naruto, laden with shambles of thoughts in his head and choked by the weight in his chest… feels like rolling his eyes. Would that be dramatic?

"Fine." He acquiesces, a little miffed, cutting off the water with a flick of his wrist and press of stiff fingers. "Fine, I'm done."

Then he pauses. He should be more disconcerted at having Sasuke kicking his heels outside the stall he's in. It should _bother_ him, shouldn't it? Maybe he underestimated his own fatigue, too spent to get worked up.

When he walks out he's mostly dressed, hair dripping cold down his nape. He finds him leaning against the wall, arms folded behind his back, head raised to the ceiling, as if the act of hanging about is unbelievably tedious.

Upon seeing him, however, Sasuke' eyes light up with a spark of mischief. "Oh, hello, I had no idea we were at this stage in our relationship just yet? How forward of you."

He pulls his shirt all the way down his torso, scoffing. "Stop messing around." These words are more fitting for himself, Naruto thinks. But well, there's a first time for everything?

Sasuke lifts his shoulders, smiling idly. "Who's messing?"

A beat passes and it's too loud. The hush sinks in, engulfing the space between them. But unlike the thick silence he has come to crave that gives his mind a corner of peace, this silence is too shallow to mask the edge creeping in.

"What's your deal?" It's rather perfunctory the way he asks what feels like such a significant, far-reaching question. But he is too in over his head to care at the moment.

That's when the corner of Sasuke's mouth lifts up as he fixes him with a look too intense to be only casually thoughtless. His voice drops low, words stringing together in anything but a question.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that."

Naruto's instincts kick in at breakneck speed, so hard the breath gets slammed out of his lungs, burning his nerve-endings, trapping him like a cornered animal. In the split of a second his eyes sharpen like daggers and biting cold runs through his veins despite how incandescent his skin feels.

But the chilling tension lasts a few heartbeats only, leaving as quickly as it came, leaving him breathless.

His head bursts with sparks of hurt, pulses with the dizzying rush of blood, making him feel drowsy and faint. He brings a hand to his forehead, trying to breathe through it now that he doesn't feel his ribcage threatening to crack anymore. He doesn't understand… this level of fright, it's been days since he felt anything resembling this fierce spike of panic, loud enough to awaken his senses.

Sasuke's demeanor switches too in the changing atmosphere, with the curve of his mouth flattening in a line he appears placid enough to be concerned. "Feeling okay over there? You look a little pale."

Naruto has the good will to scowl at him. Yes, he is too burnt out to deal with this, definitely. Wherever a possible conversation may lead is currently outside of his slipping control and he doesn't want to involve himself any further.

He finally turns away, having half a mind to grab his stuff before walking to the exit. Of course it's not enough to get him rid of his presence, but in the few seconds that follow he can pretend to be on his own again.

.

.

.

Choji leaves in a haste with a parting and strangling hug to their group, Shino's departure is more subdued and Naruto exchanges a few words with Kiba and a bunch of other shinobi, playing with Akamaru until the two of them also leave, and then he's on his way too.

Sasuke is, of course, right beside him.

"Ah, it feels like I've been sitting around for days, I really needed to stretch my legs." He comments as he proceeds to shake one leg then the other.

"Ghosts need to 'stretch their legs' now?" Naruto asks, bemused. Flashes of the day before come to mind once again, remembering the wheelbarrow speeding right through him, and it draws out another bewildered question. "…can you even feel your legs?"

"Ooh, we're back with the ghost theory?" Sasuke asks back, sounding elated.

…Well, denial can only get you through _this much,_ and so can crazy but unfounded theories, then it's a matter of choosing whether to believe your own eyes or not.

Naruto glances at him from his peripheral, a little unnerved. "What do you want me to say, that you're a hallucination?"

Sasuke's smile is practically ecstatic as he waves a hand in the air. "Nah, I like the ghost thing way too much."

Naruto fully turns to eye him with an _'are you kidding me'_ expression, but Sasuke is already nodding towards the basket in his hand. He was the one who took it in the end, deciding to return it to Sakura tomorrow.

"Hey, you know what you could do with Sakura's 'pills'? Use them as weapons. Imagine plunging those little things straight into the mouths of your enemies when they're least expecting it... they'd just faint on the spot from the taste. Boom. The win is yours."

Naruto blinks, the image of that particular scenario happening plays in his head and he can't help it, there's a laugh trying to force its way out of his vocal cords and he has to look away to hide the culprit showing in his face.

"Is that a smile?" But Sasuke has already seen it. "I made you smile!" He cheers, as if the thought could somehow make him happy.

Naruto quickly shakes his head in denial. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, c'mon, you were smiling up until now!" Sasuke exclaims, walking a little closer. "Smile again!"

"You're mistaken."

"C'mon, just another one?"

He almost pleads, and Naruto can't tell if he's being honest or if he's out to make fun of him again.

"Nuh-uh." The blond shrugs. "I think you're imagining things."

"Fine." Sasuke mutters, before his face lights up again. "I'll tell you a joke then."

Naruto is the one to stop and blink in quick succession this time, doing a double-take. "You? A joke from _you?"_

"Yeah, why, you think I can't tell jokes?"

"I..." Naruto slowly shakes his head, the corner of his mouth almost lifting up in disbelief. "… go ahead?"

"It goes like this," Sasuke goes on to clear his throat as if he has a part to recite. "My ex-wife still misses me… but her aim is getting better."

"That's…" Naruto's lips press firmly together and he stares ahead. "Terrible."

"Yeah, because marriage is terrible." At his incredulous stare Sasuke just shrugs, smirking. "What, you can take your complaints to whoever came up with it because that was literally the joke."

Naruto exhales through his nose. "And it was awful."

Sasuke's smirk softens, his head tilting towards him. "Awful enough to grant me a smile?"

He has to bite his cheek, because he is actually trying to hold back a smile. "No."

"Awe, just a smile, come on."

"Nope."

* * *

It is quite a unexpected turn of events, unprecedented really, but when Naruto walks past the threshold of his door the persistent shadow of a smile has yet to drop from his face, because Sasuke is behaving in a way he never really did before and in a way Naruto never really imagined him to do… well, _ghost_ Sasuke is, he reminds himself. And he is mostly unprepared on how to deal with it.

"You know, I meant to say this a few days ago…" Sasuke pauses to throw a look around, as if scrutinizing the room. "But how can you live in this chaos?"

For possibly the strangest reasons- maybe because of Sasuke's playful tone that seems to be his shtick by now, maybe because of the friendly grin he always seems to be wearing, or maybe because today was simply a _good day_ and nothing more- genuine laughter bubbles up in Naruto's throat.

"Hey." For the first time since Sasuke appeared Naruto addresses him in a voice that cannot be anything if not light-hearted. "This is _my chaos_ and I happen to like it."

Sasuke notices too, because the stretch of his smile widens a tad further. He holds both hands up in mock-surrender. "Well, if you feel like livin' it up in a junkyard then who am I to judge? Seriously, I'm all for it and I want you to know that I'm not judging right now." Then lowers one hand enough to gesture around them. "This is a judge-free zone you're in."

Naruto eyes him with a slight shake of the head, feeling amused. "Oh, shut up."

In all answer, Sasuke grins wider. "I'm afraid that's an impossible request."

Naruto rolls his eyes, but the smile feels sort of stuck to his face now.

It almost feels normal, as if the two of them are just two friends joking around with each other. (…if only it could be that simple…)

For good measure he decides to put on a show and pick up an empty ramen package laying discarded on the floor, throwing it in the small waste bin near his bed. "See? I can be tidy too."

It's Sasuke's turn to shake his head, only in fake disappointment. "Haven't I told you already that you need to work on your lying skills?"

Naruto snorts in the middle of his attempt at dejunking his room and is ready to rebuke, but stops short after hearing a dull thud.

Lowering his head, he notices he hit something with his foot. Bending down enough to retrieve it he grasps the hidden object in one outstretched hand, slowly standing on his two feet again.

The scroll. He unfolds it carefully, as if this is his first time doing so. There is a tell-tale tingling spreading through his fingers, but nothing like before. This one is pungent, a noxious tangibility as it crawls through him.

"Interesting, isn't it?"

He turns to find Sasuke to his right, peering over his shoulder.

"You get this scroll." His voice is an easy hum as he speaks. "And then I show up."

Naruto pauses, only for his brows to furrow with the weight of his thoughts tangling, struggling to come through. "You think they could…" He glances down at the onerous scroll before focusing once again on Sasuke, who is almost carelessly reading its contents. "You think these two things are connected?"

Sasuke's eyes climb up to his leisurely but unfaltering, he answers with a nearly rhetorical question of his own. "You think they're not?"

Naruto's eyes, going wider with the fraught atmosphere, fall back to his hands. The paper creases in his hold, growing tense by the second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, with the way I have literally planned out in detail what's going to happen till chapter 10 you'd think it wouldn't take me this freaking _long_ to get the chapters out. Sorry for the wait, it's just been a few… messy weeks. The next chapter should be here soon though, since it's the direct continuation of this one and hey, did you happen to forget about the scroll? Don't worry Naruto did too. Also, I feel like it's clear parts of this chapter were written in different days, I'll try to edit tomorrow but for now this is it.
> 
> \- About Sakura:
> 
> \- Here's the thing, Sakura and Naruto are like best friends and brother/sister in my opinion, I see them in the same way I see Harry and Hermione, and in the same way I see, from my favorite anime Gintama, the relationship between Gintoki and Otae. Just a very strong and affectionate friendship okay? I know everyone has their opinion on characters and there are people who call Sakura 'useless' and a bunch of not very polite things, but I'm the one writing this story and I have a very precise idea (ahah let's be honest only most of the time) on how I want the characters to act and interact with each other (I'm also very aware the characters will act completely out of character too at certain points here, I mean… that's literally Sasuke's deal here lol), so if you have any hateful opinion on Sakura you could just… keep that to yourself? please and thank you. In this story Sakura is just going to be a really good friend for Naruto and try to help him however she can, just like Kiba, that's all.
> 
> Naruto, Kiba and Sakura are a bit like the Golden Trio to me, like a 'We Ride And Die Together' kinda gang so, yeah.
> 
> Sasuke's ['joke'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbfDpQ7vmfs)
> 
> p.s. when I said I would sneak in a bit of Gravity Falls into this. I _meant_ it.  
> (I have no idea if I ever said it but I've been up for almost 30 hours so ahah there ya go)


	8. Quiet Lapse (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just give me a chance to help, that's all I ask."
> 
> With the stitching coming loose Naruto's world, a sheltered dome of jagged but ultimately frangible glass all around him, starts cracking again.

Naruto couldn’t sit still at home, couldn’t just breathe between the four walls and pretend his lungs weren’t drowning in the sea of emptiness caused by _this._

He doesn't know where he is now, somewhere that appears only a little familiar, he had to get out, walked on unsteady steps until his calves burned with them, until he walked through, by the looks of it, what seems to be an unkempt park. There's an old wooden bench to the side and detaching from the asphalt it stands on, it's half busted and half lit in the harsh light of a dimming lamp street. He takes a seat anyway, tries to breathe in the cool air, it's no use.

The nighttime sky is an overcast of clouds if not for a few specks of stars peeking through and the dazzle of the moon, tonight they seem feeble at best.

 _This,_ Naruto thinks, the whole time _this_ was the needle held at the back of his neck and one inch from pressing in. The constant foreboding of it had left him, momentarily, and yet had found him again.

He had- had he forgotten about it? Wiped it out from his memories? Or had he been looking for some peace of mind?

As if the action could only be classified like an unfortunate lapse, nothing more than an oversight. Instead…

He reads the shaking words between his hands, again and again, as if his memory is four walls filled to the brim, an ocean of salt waters through which no air can seep in. His eyes sting, burn without a trace of tears, but he can't breathe around the lump in his throat.

He goes back to four days before in his mind, remembers when he had been handed the scroll first, thinking it could be about a mission.

It turns out, this was never about a next mission. It doesn't even involve Team Seven, not… the current one. But it involves a meeting, and it involves the five Kages, and it involves _their_ decision. Now that the waters are calming it seems like the perfect opportunity to seek out the culprits of the assault at Konoha, and what took place before and after it. They discussed a suitable sentence to inflict for such crimes and it hints on a unanimous agreement toward the capital punishment, the execution.

Sasuke's name, inked in bold letters, glares at him from atop the list.

Because only a _piece_ of _paper_ is apparently required to determine his ex-teammate's privilege to keep his life.

His stomach lurches, Naruto feels the sickness building up in his throat once more. He tries to swallow down the apprehension but the inside of his mouth is too dry, and still, all he can taste is dread.

It's a coalescence of thoughts, emotions, what runs through him, a foreign process he doesn't understand the workings of, but a film of horror spreads open in his mind, spreads through every limb. The incessant pounding at the height of his chest is so relentless he is not even sure he can feel his heart.

Amid the shipwreck in his mind, one thought comes up for air like debris floating to the surface.

_'What do I do now?'_

A rush of air breezes past and the cold soaks into his skin, his hair drags wetly down his nape, bringing goosebumps, but the shivers racing down his spine have little to do with the low temperature. His hands are shaking, they just _won't_ stop.

"…What am I supposed to do?" His voice is unrecognizable, sounding like a jarring dissonance, like someone shaved his vocal cords, tapered them off at the end to produce this subdued strangle which is supposed to sound human, but is too hollow to be.

Only now that he spoke the thought out loud does he notice the silence he is blanketed in, unable to hear anything but his shallow inhales and exhales. How can it be this _quiet_ when static terror is buzzing so loudly inside of him? But then, maybe that's what's drowning out every other sound.

Sasuke has been silent too, the whole time he was. But now, at the question, something shifts across the careful blankness of his features and he takes a step towards him, holds his gaze steady with his own.

"Nothing, Naruto." He speaks the negation with a baffled lilt. "You're not supposed to do _anything."_

Naruto gasps, but nothing comes out. His turmoil takes over the expanse of his face, filling the unworded gaps for him.

"Hey." Sasuke continues, a little over a whisper but enough to get his attention.

Taking another step, taking up his view, he crouches in front of him, elbows lightly resting on top of his knees while Naruto's are painfully gouging into his own. His eyes flit to him in automatic, but the placid sight does nothing to lessen the crushing burden locking him in place.

"After everything you've already done for me…" Sasuke's voice is quiet breaths carried over by the wind, loud like heartbeats. His words seem to echo in the stillness of their surroundings, of Naruto's mind. "Shouldn't I be the one returning the favor, for once?"

Sasuke looks calm, _so_ calm and _how_ is he keeping his damn composure when Naruto is _losing_ his head?

"…What are you talking about?" Naruto throws out his astonishment in the same rasp from before, it's as if something is draining from his voice, and draining him from within.

Underneath the artificial washed light Sasuke looks too real- too fucking _real._

None of this is supposed to be _happening._

Sasuke tilts his head to the side, at the same time the corner of his mouth tilts up in a smile. "Just give me a chance to help, that's all I ask."

Naruto's head drops and his eyes shut tight, the words rattle through him, leaving him unbalanced. It's _not_ something he can give an answer to.

But when he lifts his head again, Sasuke is gone.

There is a rip, something coming apart, Naruto knows, he can hear it in his eardrums, can see it behind his eyelids, he _can_ feel it, but isn't sure why it's there in the first place, or if it can even be taken in consideration enough to be deemed a break.

With the stitching coming loose Naruto's world, a sheltered dome of jagged but ultimately frangible glass all around him, starts cracking again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...It's usually easy for every other story, but not for this one. Still, there's obvious canon divergence here and what not, so if you have any questions feel free to ask? And I'll try to answer as best as I can? But I make no promises I will give _actual_ answers if it ends up spoiling anything 'important'.  
> Ahah I'll drag the mystery on for as long as I can!
> 
> Hope you're all being safe.


	9. Quiet Lapse (III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Threads of anger start clouding his judgement, twisting and wiping away at any sense of rationality. That's when Naruto gets up, feeling restless and unsettled, a nasty jolt of adrenaline already rushing down his spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have spent weeks sort of torturing myself in trying to think of a heartfelt flashback to include in this chapter… when I realized that a heartfelt flashback wouldn't actually work at all right now with the way I want the story to progress? So then I stopped thinking so hard about it and whipped a nonsense/silly thing out and it took me literally so little and I kind of feel bad making you all wait for this chapter now… I guess what I'm trying to say is, sorry for the long wait?

Naruto didn't get a minute of sleep throughout the whole night, fixedly staring at a small chip in his bedside table instead, until his eyes started to hurt and he had to blink away the dizziness of the dark, and of his dreary thoughts.

Lying on his stomach, with his cheek pressed to the now uncomfortable warmth of his pillow and arms slack by his side, he has not moved an inch from the position except to answer the door once, when Sai dropped by during the first lights of the morning to inform him their mission for the day had been rescheduled, leaving an empty spot in his blank day.

His world used to have a balance, Naruto thinks sometime in between the screeching of cats in the dark and the squawking of birds at dawn. And although it was a distorted kind of balance, frail maybe, twisted possibly, at times utterly warped, it was still a reliable buffer he could always fall back into when he needed it most, and now…

(…and now it's gone, it has been for a while.)

…and now Sasuke is throwing it all off.

 _He's not supposed to be here!_ A part of his brain screams, but he has long since put most of his good sense to sleep- not like he already owned plenty to begin with.

 _None of this is supposed to be happening at all._ Another part of his brain supplies yet _again_ as he recalls the cursed scroll. The memory of Sasuke's inked name is enough to make him scrunch his eyes closed, as if for a single moment he is in physical pain.

…He doesn't want to think about it anymore.

(He doesn't want to think about _any_ of this. It's too much. He can't deal with it- he _can't.)_

"I see we've got a bit of a situation going on here."

And here he is.

Sasuke's greeting is glib at best and Naruto isn't even surprised by his presence this time around, but he doesn't bother with a response, he doesn't turn to look at him. Today he isn't feeling up to deal with… this- whatever _this_ includes.

Words nose their way at the verge of his mind, but he drives them back down.

 _(You finally left last night. Why are you here again?_ He doesn't say this, he doesn't want to. He doesn't care. None of this matters anymore.)

"Yeah, I get it, I get it. Mondays, am I right?"

But he keeps forgetting how the nonchalant approach of his 'guest' seems to always warrant a reaction out of him, troubling him enough for Naruto to glance at him out of the corner of his eye, wary.

Sasuke raises both shoulders in the defensive resemblance of a shrug. "What, everyone hates them."

And any other day Naruto would bother himself enough to roll his eyes, but today he only bothers himself with letting his head fall back into the pillow. "…Could you just, I don't know, go away?" He is even trying to be _polite_ about it and it requires a _considerable_ effort on his part, so shouldn't he be granted such an easy request?

"Why, you're busy?"

He can hear the amusement in Sasuke's voice and part of him is inclined to flip him off, but he feels so sluggish he could swear he's liquefied in his bones, not to mention the action would require actual energy he doesn't currently have, and doesn't feel like putting in the work for, and he really just wants to be left alone to sulk in peace.

"Yeah." He answers, somewhat bugged about it.

"Yeah." Sasuke repeats, voice taking a bit of a scorning echo behind it. "Far be it from me to get in your way when you seem to be doing a great enough job of it already."

Naruto closes his eyes on instinct, only slightly disquieted at the highlighted accusation, and pushes his face into the pillow until his next words are coming out muffled. "I'm not taking any life advice from _you."_

"Okay, first of all, _ouch._ But yes, probably good call on that."

Naruto huffs under his breath, turning his head the other way because he doesn't want to see him anymore. And also because he needs to breathe.

Part of him _knows_ that Sasuke is aware, Sasuke is most _definitely_ aware there is something wrong today… but he himself has no idea what is making him feel like he has to crawl out of his skin.

"…Just leave me alone." The words are heavy on his tongue, bringing him down with their weight and for a moment he has the impression he will get crushed underneath them. But the moment is fleeting at best.

"Oh, we're there already?" Sasuke's question is laced with a humorous undertone. "And here I thought stage two would take its sweet time to kick in." Voice dropping, the smirk in his words turns slightly more arrogant. "But I was under the impression this was still stage zero."

Naruto ignores whatever meaning could lie in those words, trying to figure it out would only bring forth a headache and his brain is addled enough already as it is.

Now, this might just be a figment of his- proven time and again- _vivid_ imagination, but when he is talking again Sasuke's tone gets somewhat gentler.

"Say, when was the last time you had something to eat?"

To be fair he had already been expecting this question, he knew Sasuke was about to ask him yesterday, before their conversation was interrupted, and maybe it's the reason why the surge of panic bypasses him today. He can't remember the last time he felt sated after a meal, he can't even remember the last time he had a proper, substantial meal. It's been a few… days, maybe? Weeks? Before Sasuke even showed up.

"…Don't remember." Something compels him to answer, settling for the truth.

The stifled sigh Sasuke lets out reverberates in the room.

It's a little mind-blowing how Naruto is not even looking his way but can picture him so clearly looking dispirited. And sort of exasperated too, as if he was somehow expecting this kind of answer, which Naruto does find more than just a little mind-blowing, and definitely a little strange too.

"You know, I'm no medic-nin in any way, but I feel like it's sort of obvious that you _need_ to eat? Every single day?" Sasuke voices finally, although he doesn't sound as chipper as before.

"Mmh." Naruto hums a half-hearted attempt at a reply, but ultimately ignores him.

No, he isn't going to eat today, he knows it.

The resounding silence is as trying as it is peaceful and Naruto almost revels in it for as long as it lasts.

But when he feels the mattress dip with added weight, instinct has him turning to watch as Sasuke makes his way across the bed- until he's lying beside him.

And Naruto is too tired to have a knee-jerk reaction to him this time around.

There is a bit of distance between them, what with him having tucked himself on one edge and Sasuke taking up the space between the other edge and the center of the bed.

Naruto doesn't remember if they have ever been this close before.

A slow smile takes over Sasuke's face. "Hi."

His voice is soft, carrying over in the quietude the room is enwrapped in, and Naruto watches him through a white screen at the edges of his vision, as if this is somehow nothing more than a faded memory filtered through a movie scene.

"What are you doing?" He can only think to ask, voice a rasp and faint murmur from lack of use.

"Cranky." Sasuke comments instead of answering him, the corners of his mouth quirking up. "I didn't have you pegged as the type who's cranky in the mornings, but you are, aren't ya?"

Naruto quickly turns to face the wall. "Shut up." He snaps in a mumble, not unlike a grumpy child would do.

In the next moment Sasuke's low chuckle is filling his ears.

Something warm, something that used to be familiar but isn't anymore spreads inside his chest like a first-degree burn. The mildness of it still catches him by surprise.

(But he doesn't want to let himself soak up in the comfort Sasuke's presence offers.)

Sasuke shifts, pressing one cheek against his forearm, but his eyes never stray away. His grin widens. "Don't worry, it's actually endearing when it's you."

Naruto frowns at the random remark that almost sounds flattering and, unthinking, he is shifting too, slowly doing so even if his cramped muscles still protest and strain from the position he held for hours on end. Legs curling a bit inward, hand closed in a loose fist as it comes to rest beside his torso, his whole body angles more comfortably towards Sasuke, until they are facing each other.

"You used to be cranky in the mornings." Naruto breathes out in a whisper.

Which is… _not_ what he meant to say? At all? His frown deepens at his own random remark. It shouldn't even be something worth wasting time thinking over. He doesn't want to remember details about Sasuke from years ago, not now, not ever.

But Sasuke exhales noisily, diverted. "Come on, it was endearing of me too."

Taken a bit off guard, Naruto snorts in the back of his throat. "It really wasn't."

A beat goes by, a pause in which they simply look at each other. The moment of undisturbed silence perhaps lingers too long, because Sasuke is cutting it by abruptly pulling back.

Tucking his arms beneath his head and staring up at the ceiling, he asks out of the blue, "Do you remember that mission, the 'useless' one in the Takumi Village?"

Naruto blinks at the suddenness of it all and feels almost dizzy from the topic change. "Um… what?"

But the memories are quick to resurface his mind.

.

.

.

"Kakashi-sensei." Naruto calls out to his teacher, who is currently running ahead of him, on the verge of being fed up. "How much time has passed now?"

"Since the last time you asked?" Kakashi asks back, unbothered whatsoever.

"Yeah?"

"Fifty-three seconds."

Naruto practically slaps his hands to his face as he groans. "I can't take this anymore!"

"Come on Naruto, it's only been a couple of days." Sakura tries to lighten his mood, but it's clear the boredom is starting to get to her too.

Naruto keeps glaring forward. "Sensei, you should know I'm a capable shinobi."

"Of course, of course."

"Then why did you _agree_ to this?"

"In this life," Kakashi begins, as if about to teach them one of the world's wondrous philosophic ways. "We can't always choose between having fun and having to work."

"Yes you can!" Naruto exclaims, pointing at him accusingly. "I saw the pretty sensei the other day-"

"You mean Kurenai?"

"-and she asked for a C-rank mission, and now Kiba is going to brag about it and I'm stuck here in this D-rank nonsense!"

Kakashi opens his mouth as if to counter, but then halts, and starts again. "Well, even if you happen to have a wonderful teacher, I might not be as charming as her. And the best thing you can do about it…" This time his pause is to add dramatic effect. "…is learning to deal with it."

"You just want to take it easy don't you?!"

Ignoring the finger-pointing incrimination, Kakashi asks his other, calmer student. "But I'm still charming, yes?"

Sakura answers with a little shake of the head. "No offense Kakashi-sensei, but if I had to choose I would definitely pick Kurenai-sensei over you."

"I do take offense to that." Kakashi says, offended. Then his voice lowers in what is an apparent confession meant for his ears only. "…But I would have answered the same." Clearing his throat, he addresses the last student. "Sasuke, who would you choose between your dear teacher and Kurenai?"

Sasuke spares a glance behind him. "Neither."

"Are you aware this is a little rude of you?"

"You're saying that like I should care."

Kakashi brings a hand up to his chin, stroking his mask as if he had a beard. "During these indifferent little moments he has I swear he always reminds me of someone…"

"…you mean yourself?" Sakura whispers under her breath, unimpressed.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Kakashi-sensei!" She denies with a cheerful smile.

"Kakashi-sensei." Naruto grumbles again.

"Yes?"

"How much time has it been now?"

"Since the last time you asked?"

"Yeah?"

The teacher pretends to ponder it over. "One… minute."

"Oh c'mon!"

A few birds rise in flight, startled by Naruto's frustration.

* * *

And now Kakashi, holding a fairly small but suspicious wooden box he hasn't let any of his students get near to or revealed the contents of, is currently deep in conversation with a man who was waiting here for them when they first arrived.

Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke are instead waiting on the 'sidelines' as their teacher is busy with his 'important exchange', at least this is what Kakashi ordered them to do, and with a certain lack of anything better to spend their time with other than just standing here and waiting by, they… are standing here and waiting by.

Two out of the three students are watching intently as Kakashi and the stranger trade now two small wooden boxes among themselves, shaking hands with merry smiles. Well, at least it looks like their teacher is smiling underneath his mask.

"Ne, Sakura-chan?"

"What is it?"

"What do you think he's hiding in there?"

After a moment of contemplation, Sakura answers in mild distaste. "…Maybe one of those dirty books."

Naruto's face scrunches up a bit as he observes the two adults conversing like old friends, even if this is the first time they meet. "Maybe. That guy kinda gives off Kakashi-sensei's same vibe."

"They won't even assign us another teacher." Sakura mutters, before giving a resigned sigh. "…I already asked."

Naruto is in much the same state as he plays with a loose thread from his jumper. "…Me too."

He remembers that particular instance up in the Hokage's office, when he even went as far as bowing on the floor and begging the Third for a teacher who would teach him all the ninjas' greatest techniques and how to get stronger _immediately,_ promising to buy the Hokage one hundred bowls of ramen in exchange. The Third had received such a request with a solemn nod, sparking hope in Naruto… before crushing it as soon as he let out a hearty laugh, only to pat him on the head and tell him to be patient and that great achievements require time, assuring him that Kakashi is nothing short of a perfectly capable teacher and they would most definitely bond over time.

Naruto lets out a resigned sigh too.

The two defeated pre-teens look to their right, at their fellow teammate, who shrugs and looks away, not revealing if he too had asked for another teacher.

Naruto's face scrunches up in further frustration as he rakes his hands over his hair, messing it up even more. "Maaaan, to think this is another waste of time!"

But Sasuke, who had been silent up until then, is soon pointing out in not so much of a question. "And you think we wasted days traveling in a so called mission just for just a stupid book."

Sakura and Naruto stare at him with matching dead-fish eyes, before simultaneously stating in a monotone. "This is Kakashi-sensei we're talking about."

Sasuke, in turn, stares at his teacher in the near distance.

"Thank you very much~"

"Pleasure doing business with you~"

The two adults are seemingly trying to set a record for longest handshake as they keep exchanging pleasantries.

Sasuke deadpans. "…Never mind."

Naruto and Sakura let out yet another long, suffering sigh.

The mission they took part in this time happens to be in the Takumi Village, situated in the Land of Rivers. Naruto thought at least something cool would have happened on the way, but as it turned out the trek to the village was almost as boring as having to wait for their teacher to do… whatever it is he is doing right now. If he waits a little longer he's sure he might just turn into dust and get blown away by the wind… at least his imagination still seems to be working fine.

Thankfully for him and his never ending supply of energy and adventurous spirit alike, the boredom lifts as something ends up smacking into him, knocking him right over.

"Naruto!" Sakura crouches down beside him, helping her teammate sit as he spits out half-bitten words and holds his head. "Are you oka…" But she trails off when she catches sight of what, or rather who provoked the little accident.

A little boy is clutching his head just like Naruto is, slowly blinking up at them.

Sakura, answering to her innate mother/big sister instincts, is soon helping the boy, carefully pulling him to his feet and patting the dirt off of his clothes. "You're not hurt, are you?" She asks gently. The little boy looks at her with big round eyes before shaking his head, his mop of messy dark hair shaking with him. He doesn't look to be older than eight.

"Sakura-chan, you could help me too." Naruto pouts at her back, mostly wanting her gentle care all for himself.

Sakura turns toward him with a little smirk. "Oh, sorry, I thought this was nothing for a 'capable shinobi' like yourself." She repeats back the words he is usually boasting about, but still offers her hand and pulls the both of them on their feet.

"Yeah, yeah, that's true…" Naruto bites the inside of his cheek as his face warms up, feeling appeased now that he has her attention (and he even got to hold her hand for _two seconds!_ He can't wait to tell Konohamaru about _this_ … though he could stand to change up the story a little, frame it more interestingly, maybe add in a surprise attack from some powerful enemy instead of a collision with a little boy).

"What are you making that weird face for?" Sasuke asks him, cutting through his daydreaming session rather abruptly.

"…Ehh?" Naruto blinks back into reality, staring at Sasuke with a slightly dumbfounded expression, before taking a sudden step back and squishing up his cheeks, offended. "What are you talking about!? My face isn't 'weird!'"

In all answer Sasuke lets out scoff, as if replying is not even worth his time, which annoys Naruto to the point he is dragging Sasuke closer by the collar and yelling in his face as the other boy remains mostly impassive. Before Sakura can think to intervene though, the kid is sneaking his way in between the two.

"Stop!" He demands in a shrill voice.

For one crazy moment Naruto thinks the boy is going to break out in a speech about how 'friends shouldn't fight' or something of the like, but he is quickly proven wrong when the kid kneels by their feet, retrieving something. Puffing up his cheeks, he pats the object off just like Sakura did with him mere seconds before, looking up at them with what could almost be considered a glare.

"You almost broke it!"

Now that Naruto is looking closer, the boy seems to be holding a small wooden box between his hands, just like the one Kakashi and his apparent newfound friend are in possession of.

"Uh… sorry?" Naruto apologizes, feeling slightly bad and letting go of Sasuke now that his focus has been taken up, bending down to peer at the mysterious box. "Hey, what's that?" He is actually getting rather curious now, because if this is the same box Kakashi has, and if this boy has it too, then it means that whatever is inside is most definitely not a simple, boring book.

The kid, seemingly only now noticing the spotlight is on him, gasps and attempts to hide the small object behind his back. "It's a secret!"

Naruto's eyes are practically sparkling as his curiosity grows. "Don't worry, you can tell me. I promise I'm great at keeping secrets!"

"Since when?" Sasuke jeers beside him.

"Shut up Sasuke!" Naruto snaps, huffy, before making himself as unthreatening as possible and smiling big at the boy. "Don't listen to him, he's just a jerk. So, what are you hiding in there?"

"M'not telling you." The boy mutters distrustfully.

"C'mon, I-"

But Naruto's insistence gets interrupted when a kunai is lodged into the ground a few inches from them. The kid flails from the shock and almost drops his oh so cherished belonging while Naruto stares wide-eyed, caught completely unaware. "Uh, what the-"

"Look out, usuratonkachi." Sasuke warns with a bit of a hard edge to his voice and Naruto looks behind him to find out the rest of his team is already taking action.

Oh, apparently they are fighting off some mysterious enemies who just cropped up out of nowhere. Cool, cool-

"Wait _what?!"_

But despite the shock Naruto doesn't let that deter him from also being part of the action, immediately taking a defensive stance in front of the kid. "Stay close to me." He tells him, and after a moment of trepidation the younger boy quickly nods.

And Kakashi finds this the perfect moment to let his students know his thoughts. "I'm starting to think you three bring me bad luck."

"We could say the same about you!" Naruto and Sakura shriek in unison.

There are four ninjas dressed in inconspicuous clothes, even their faces are masked and there is no hint of forehead protectors or any giveaway to a possible identification.

"What's even happening here?" Naruto asks out loud to himself, soon passing over to the offensive as he grabs hold of a shuriken from his pouch and runs toward the enemy up front, slashing at him. But the silhouette ends up dissolving into thin air. _'Dammit, just a copy.'_ He thinks irritated.

But he is stopped before he can throw himself into a proper fight. Kakashi calls his team's attention and signals for them to make their leave, and with a confused nod they all follow, disappearing from sight.

* * *

"Why are we even hiding?" Sasuke is the first to break the silence, slight annoyance shining in his face and crystal clear in his voice.

"Until we figure out our next course of action, it's better if we lay low." Kakashi says, watching his students. "And since we'll be stuck here for a while…" He is silent for a moment, as if carefully thinking about what this might entail, before… "Anyone's got jokes?"

Naruto raises his hand high up in the air.

Kakashi nods. "Alright Sasuke, we'll start with you."

"Awh!"

Sasuke's slight annoyance extends to a glare. "You're a bad teacher."

"Nice one."

"It wasn't a joke."

Kakashi ignores him. "Who wants to go next? Sakura?"

"When's my turn!"

Naruto's complaints go ignored this round too.

"Well, I don't really think this is the time for jokes…" Sakura notes as she adjusts her hair, which got a little messed up in the chaos. Then she perks up. "But I've got one anyway. Okay, what do you call a pony with a cough? …A little horse!" She doesn't even finish that she's already giggling to herself.

"Is it my turn yet?" Naruto asks eagerly since he has been waving his arms like a madman for the past… well, for less than a minute actually.

Kakashi's sigh is deeper and somehow a bit more suffering this time around as he nods towards him. "…Go ahead."

Naruto sports a thousand watt grin, immediately rising to his feet and looking at each person in turn. "What is red and smells like blue paint?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Red paint!" He exclaims, slapping a hand on his knee as he bursts out in a loud laugh. Once he has collected himself enough he whispers more subdued, "Hilarious."

His audience's response is in the form of a collective groan.

"You've told this same one twenty times already." Sakura laments under her breath.

Naruto pulls a face at that. "Yeah, 'cause it's funny. Why would I go and change it with another joke that's not funny? That doesn't make any sense."

Sakura looks three seconds away from a face-palm, Sasuke instead looks done with everything and Kakashi… well, Kakashi looks his usual.

"Ehm…" The little boy, who has actually been huddled between them for the whole time, finally finds the courage to speak out. "…did you just kidnap me?"

Sasuke narrows his eyes in a way that states he is fairly unamused. "You really think these three would engage in a lame attempt at stand-up comedy if we had kidnapped you?"

"Hey! _Your_ joke was the lame one here!" Naruto counters back all defensive.

Sasuke frowns at him and his expression seems to scream: 'are you serious right now?'

"Should we do another round?" Kakashi puts forward, unbothered still.

But Naruto has already stopped listening. Any other time he would keep contributing, but there is another matter holding his attention hostage, and since he has yet to know what could be so special that needs to be so secretly hidden, he sneakily makes his way to one of the innocuous boxes laying on the ground while the rest of his team is busy chatting (bickering). With quick reflex he tries to snatch it… but ends up being the one literally snatched when Kakashi has him a foot lifted off the ground by his collar.

Naruto scowls (pouts) at first, before plastering on a saccharine sweet smile (the same one he has seen Sakura do whenever she wants something) and tries to make himself sound as innocent as he can. "Ne, ne, Kakashi-sensei, what's in there anyway?"

Kakashi doesn't lower him to the ground, but he lowers his voice to a conspicuous whisper. "…It's a secret."

"You know I'm good with secrets, I can keep a secret." He presses on, his curiosity back tenfold.

"You screamed your friend's secret at the top of your lungs for all the village to hear." Kakashi helpfully reminds him, referring to the 'friendly but cold war' he and Kiba always seem to have going on between them, in which Naruto gained the upper hand by accidentally stumbling upon a stuffed animal that looked just like Akamaru, and discovered Kiba kept it hidden beneath his pillow.

Naruto waves a hand in the air, dismissing such claims. "What, _pfff,_ that was ages ago."

Kakashi is now looking back at him with a heavy-lidded, unimpressed eye. "…It happened the day before yesterday."

"Exactly. Completely in the past." Naruto continues, thinking he is making a valid point across.

Kakashi is utterly unconvinced. "Hmm, I don't know really."

"C'mon, c'mon, tell me, I promise I'll never tell anyone else!" Naruto even pretends to zip his mouth shut.

The two keep the bit up for a while, eventually getting cut off by a fellow teammate.

"Kakashi-sensei." Sakura purses her lips in an expression that resembles a pout, eyeing him suspiciously. "You're not hiding anything illegal in there, are you?"

Kakashi's eye widens in a way that suggests he is raising a shocked eyebrow as he places a hand over his chest. "I swear it on my humble heart, I would never."

"The heart's on the other side." Sasuke drawls.

Kakashi looks down at his chest, then back up at the kids again, and quickly shifts his hand to the left side of his chest. "As I was saying, I swear on my humble heart that I would _never."_

While Naruto is still trying to peek inside the box- Kakashi is just too fast and always has the object of his curiosity _out of his reach!-_ Sasuke and Sakura answer with an eyeroll, then with verbal responses.

"Could we focus on the problem at hand?"

"Yes, we don't even know why they attacked us in the first place."

The little kid looks at all of them in turn, as if he is somehow getting dumber solely by being in their presence. "Isn't it obvious that they're after _these?"_ He now takes hold of his own box and raises it for emphasis.

Kakashi nods. "That's true."

At that, three pairs of bewildered eyes raise to him.

"You knew already?" Sasuke sounds more irritated than before.

Kakashi shrugs. "Well, it _was_ obvious."

"Then why are we hiding here." Sasuke asks again in another one of his not-questions.

"To strategize."

"And when were you planning to _strategize_ exactly?"

"After breaking the ice with a round laughter." Their teacher utters in a way that makes it sound as if the notion should be blatant.

Right then and there, Sasuke looks about ready to envelop everything in fire, but he takes a deep breath in and faces the other way, pressing with one hand against the rock wall as if trying his best to reel the frustration in. Sakura pats his back comfortingly.

"By the way, you never told us your name." Naruto decides to completely ignore the other three and instead focus on the little kid.

Unfortunately for him the boy doesn't seem to be in too much of a sharing mood. "I don't trust you bunch of weirdos so I'm not telling you!"

 _"What._ After we went and saved you out there!? How dare you-!"

"Naruto, calm down." Kakashi swiftly grabs a hold of him and pulls him back, patting his head to placate him. "This is a lot to take in for someone who isn't used to such a scene." He reasons. "The boy is most probably confused and scared."

The kid crosses his arms and sneers at them (Sakura excluded). "Nah, I just don't trust you. You three look like freaks."

Despite his smiling facade, Kakashi's eye twitches.

"Kakashi-sensei, I vote we leave him behind." Naruto says out loud, not even trying to keep his voice down.

"Tempting, I may second that."

"…I can hear you, you know." The little boy lets them know, less than impressed by his apparent 'kidnappers'.

"We can't just leave him here!" Sakura immediately rejects the idea. But she halts right away, for the first time taking in their surroundings. "…Speaking of, where is 'here' exactly?"

"We're not lost." Sasuke suddenly speaks out, pointedly staring at their teacher. "Are we?"

Kakashi, who was the one to bring them in this secluded, far away spot, waves a dismissive hand in the air, much like Naruto had done minutes prior. "I can find the way back." In a more hushed voice, he utters next, "…Probably."

Sasuke narrows his eyes. "What was that?"

"Nothing."

Sakura clears her throat. "Well, what should we do now?"

At the momentous question, Kakashi's expression morphs with intensity. "We lure them out, of course."

* * *

The strategy to lure the mysterious ninjas out, as it turns out, is not as intense as Kakashi made it sound. Not _at all,_ since they are currently hiding in the bushes and patiently waiting for their 'enemies' to show their faces.

Sasuke, of course, is not one to keep his skepticism to himself. "And you really think that leaving what they have apparently been looking for out in the open and unguarded like this will make them stumble into the trap without question? We all know only Naruto would fall for-"

"Hey!"

"-something so simple."

But as soon as Sasuke is done speaking, the four strangers that attacked them happen to stumble upon their 'trap'.

"Guys, look, it's the box and it's out in the open with no one guarding it!" One of them calls out and they all rush towards it without any hesitation whatsoever.

Underneath the covered and slightly smug smile of his teacher, Sasuke turns the other way and tsk's under his breath. "…Never mind."

But of course Naruto has no intention to actually wait for another signal from their teacher, and is soon launching himself into a 'surprise attack'.

And the little kid is making a run for it instead, trying to put as much distance between himself and them as he can, distracting Naruto for a second.

"Hey- where are you going?"

"Getting away from you weirdos!" The little boy yells in answer. "All you do is fight and tell terrible jokes!"

"Now, now, Sasuke's joke was really the only lame one." Kakashi calls out, to which Naruto nods in agreement.

Sasuke sends them the same look yet again, 'are you serious right now?'

But, once again, Naruto stops paying attention to everyone and everything else, except for the quartet in front of him, pulling back one of his fists as he strikes forward, ready to attack… only to lose his balance and fall on his face. "Ow- what the-"

"Please have mercy!"

He turns to find out what he happened to trip over. And discovers one of the ninjas on the ground, apparently begging for mercy.

Naruto scratches at his head. "…Huh?"

The four ninjas are all bowing now, cowering in fear as if Naruto somehow managed to scare them.

"Don't attack us!"

"We don't mean any harm!"

"We're not even real ninjas!"

"Yeah, only one of us is actually in training. We are only simple artisans!"

The rest of his team comes out from their 'hiding spot', wearing the blond's same confused expression.

Once the sentences get processed up in his befuddled brain Naruto is quick to get back on his feet, pointing at the strangers in indignation. "You attacked us first!"

"That wasn't really our intention…"

"Yeah, we just wanted to scare you off…"

"…So we could get the prize."

"The 'prize?'" Sakura repeats, before her eyes fall on what their teacher has been holding to during all this time.

"Is that so." Kakashi utters in a non-question, walking up to the four, appearing unfazed. "Hmm… what should we do with them?" He asks his students.

"Let's torture all their deepest and darkest secrets out of them!" Naruto declares in a fit of enthusiastic delirium, much to the growing fear of the 'ninjas'.

"Naruto, no." Sakura scolds him like a mother would her child, to the subsequent relief of the 'ninjas'.

Naruto rubs the back of his neck in an abashed gesture and gasps out, as if possessed by a greater force for a moment. "Uh, sorry, the victory, the power… heheh, got carried away a little. Oops?"

"Happens to the best of us." Kakashi mumbles to himself, to which Sakura and Sasuke respond with varying degrees of a weirded out look. Then, he too rubs the back of his neck, only in a way that shows he feels somehow troubled by the effort. Sighing, he speaks a little louder this time. "Well, they are no real threat so… we can let them go."

Naruto suddenly plants himself in front of the 'captured' ninjas. "But before that, you're going to finally tell us what you're hiding in there, right?"

Sakura nods just as eagerly. "Come on Kakashi-sensei, you know you can trust us."

Kakashi takes a moment to seemingly make up his mind. But he puts his hands in his pockets and nods once at them. "Very well, since we've come this far, I think I can share this with you."

Naruto and Sakura are instantly crowding him as the man crouches down, box held in his hands, and even Sasuke has walked up to them.

Finally getting to open the mysterious wooden box, Naruto could swear there is a flash of light coming from inside it, all their efforts and curiosity will get answered, and two out of the three pre-teens can't help but gasp in anticipation at the anticipated reveal.

"What's this?" Naruto asks in wonder, watching as his teacher oh so carefully lifts the contents for all to see.

"This is…" Kakashi whispers in what sounds like an emotional voice. "…a recipe."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Naruto is the first to take the word after a sudden silence has befallen the group. "…What."

"It's a secret recipe, to be more specific." Kakashi elaborates further as he takes out of his vest one of his colorful books, showing it among the astonished expressions of his students. "And it comes directly from the last page of this wonderful book called-"

"You mean we risked our lives for a stupid piece of paper?!"

Naruto and Sakura's fury has them not only interrupting their teacher, but shaking him back and forth and from side to side, with Sasuke looking _this_ close to taking part in such an activity.

"How dare you call it 'stupid'?! That is _not_ any common piece of paper, mind you!" One of the captured men tells them, strangely passionate.

"There are only three of them in the whole world!" Another one of his companions exclaims, just as passionately.

Kakashi nods at their words rather solemnly, if not passionately too. "If they accidentally fall in the hands of the wrong people…"

"What, what would happen." Sakura snaps through gritted teeth, this time being the one who utters a non-question. "Worst case scenario, they might somehow mess up the recipe."

Kakashi stares at her for the longest time. "…Why are you saying it in a way that suggests that would be no big deal at all?"

"Because it's _no big deal!"_ Naruto and Sakura scream in unison at the top of their lungs and resume their shaking while Sasuke leans on a nearby tree and brings his unoccupied hand up to his forehead in what could almost be considered a face-palm.

Hearing a loud noise, they stop whatever they are doing and all face in the same direction. Only to find out the kid, who had apparently been hiding behind a nearby tree, has smacked his own box to the ground.

"…It seems he also didn't take the news that well." Sakura comments as they watch the grumbling little boy leave.

"Maybe he thought he was gonna find some sort of secret map leading to a super secret and cool hidden treasure." Naruto mumbles in disappointment, now sitting in a corner and drawing figures in the dusty ground. "…I did."

"Tch. Of course you would think that."

"Shut up Sasuke!"

* * *

"This was _useless."_ Naruto reiterates what he had been thinking all along, only he had not known how utterly useless this mission would turn out to be. (This is not even worth mentioning to Konohamaru, all the interesting twists he had imagined to include completely vanished from his mind!) "We wasted all these days for nothing!"

Kakashi opens his mouth, pointer finger raised to counter- but is soon closing his mouth again and letting his hand fall back down, along with any intention to speak since he is being directly subjected to the threatening glare coming from his students.

"When we get back let's all go eat ramen!" Naruto exclaims, swiftly making his mind up about it. After all there's nothing that ramen can't fix. "Of course Kakashi-sensei is paying!"

"I never agreed to that."

"You owe us for wasting our time." Sasuke, to Naruto's utter surprise, sides with him for this one.

"And I bet Kurenai-sensei would take us to dinner after every mission if she was our teacher." Sakura, of course, adds next.

"Are you trying to trick me into this?"

She gasps, doing an impression of him as she places a hand over her heart, pretending to be shocked. "Of course not Kakashi-sensei, I would _never."_

"Sure you wouldn't." Kakashi eyes her warily, then all three of them. But at last he too ends up letting out a suffering sigh, an exaggerated one at that. "…But I guess this time we could-"

"Yes!" Naruto doesn't even let him finish that he's already jumping up in excitement and hanging from his teacher's neck, almost suffocating him in the process. "I'm ordering five bowls of ramen to start!"

"Oi, oi, don't even think about it-" But Kakashi's not so monotonous protests are mostly drowned out by Sakura and Naruto's incessant chatter about how much they are going to eat (spend), much to the Jonin's increasing panic.

From his teacher's back, Naruto coincidentally happens to catch Sasuke's eye. But, contrary to almost every other time, today he doesn't feel like scowling (or even making weird faces at him, he does that sometimes). Instead he shows all his teeth and his eyes drop closed from how wide he's grinning at him, feeling happy.

Sasuke blinks, taken off guard for a second.

Then, with a quiet scoff, he looks the other way. But he is not putting up a front either and seems _almost_ content, which the blond has come to find is _almost_ rare.

And Naruto thinks that maybe this mission might not have been as useless as he had first thought it to be, if it ends with them all sitting at Ichiraku's and eating scalding but delicious bowls of ramen (multiple in his case and much to Kakashi's dismay), not useless at all if the closing of this mission ends up being a memory Naruto becomes fond of.

.

.

.

"…Yeah." Naruto whispers, mellowed out by the reminiscing. "I remember."

Sasuke glances at him from the corner of his eye, his smile is a little more quelled now but somehow it seems more real, as if the memories are affecting him in the same way they are affecting Naruto.

"Why did you…" Naruto swallows, his mouth has gone dry. "…why did you bring this up?"

"No real reason." Sasuke barely shrugs, cutting off the eye contact, as if in the blank expanse of the ceiling he seems to be looking at things only he can see, as if he gets too caught up in his own mind in the same way Naruto sometimes does. "Just wanted you to focus on something else for a while."

In a way, Naruto thinks, it's almost as if he had already figured out what would happen next.

Threads of anger start clouding his judgement, twisting and wiping away at any sense of rationality. That's when Naruto gets up, feeling restless and unsettled, a nasty jolt of adrenaline already rushing down his spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm… how has this story reached over a 100 kudos? How?? Not to mention the bookmarks and subscriptions and... all your wonderful comments? Why are you people so nice with me when I feel like I'm wasting your time with the trash I write? But thank you so much?!
> 
> also, expect another chapter around the next 24-48 hours


	10. Everyone Knows You Are Supposed To Hate The Game, Not The Players.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (…What is Sasuke even saying? Naruto has already lost _everything.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warning:**
> 
> **This chapter deals with- unhealthy coping mechanisms, 'confused' descriptions of violence**
> 
> Yep, I actually put the tags in for a reason

It's not long before Naruto takes notice of how the night has seamlessly rolled its way in, a mantle of storm clouds stretched over the sky and covering the last of the twilight.

The restlessness clutches him, spreading through every limb like a second layer over the coating of apprehension, and it results in him throwing open the doors of his closet, rummaging inside in a frenzy until he finally finds a dark hoodie. This one has always been too big on him, which is a favorable side effect as he frantically pulls it on, making sure it almost completely covers his face down to his eyes and up to his mouth.

Sasuke is standing right beside him as he gets to his feet.

"Where are you going?" The words are barely detectable and still manage to ring in the silence of the room. His tone is cold stone, but the tension along his jaw says otherwise.

The restlessness morphs into something more urgent, almost venomously so, until it aches in Naruto's chest. For a single moment. Then it turns into something ugly.

The nasty adrenaline is back and in overdrive.

In all answer he opens his arms in the mimicking of a grand gesture, the curve of his mouth is menacing. "You should know by now I've never been good with self-restraint."

The beginning of a frown crosses Sasuke's features and his eyes harden in a glare.

It's the first time since Sasuke made his appearance that he sees anger reflected in him. It's not enough to stop him. Instead it makes Naruto's mouth curl further around the edges, it's bitter and cold and sharp and everything he is not, and is not supposed to be.

In a chopped exhale he suppresses his chakra, ensuring no one will follow him, and in the blink of an eye he has his window wide open. Relying on instinct and physical strength, he runs out.

Humidity is thick but the dampness carried over in between breezes is prickling, almost refreshing on his exposed skin. The shadows of the night bring in camouflage and this time he doesn't even feel the pull in his muscles as he puts one foot in front of the other, racing past a blurred background.

* * *

Naruto draws to a stop only when he comes within a couple dozen feet away from a gathering of sorts.

A small crowd is clustered outside what looks to be an abandoned building. They are figures in the distance, barely seen through the weak glow of scarce street lights. But their loud voices roar in the night. Followed by the shattering of glass and the pungent smell of alcohol and smoke clinging to the air, almost like a cloak trapping whoever passes through, a cacophony for the senses.

Naruto has his hands deep in his pockets as he walks over, his steps are soundless but he doesn't go unnoticed for long. A hush falls over them and he falls under their scrutiny.

The animosity exuding from them, Naruto is doubling it.

"Heard they found an unlucky someone near the docks." Naruto opens with. "Pretty nasty _incident_ …" He lifts his head. "…if you ask me." An invitational smirk plays on his lips.

"Snitches end in fukken ditches!" One from the bunch slurs and staggers on his feet, a glass bottle tilting in his slacking grip. Clearly too smashed for his own good.

The rest of them don't bat an eyelid at their admitted incrimination. Slightly ironic, since the drunkard who apparently dislikes snitches is the one revealing information, but Naruto knows the play-act of silence is merely a means to an end - seize him up.

The single outline of a man is hidden in the shadows, with his back hunched against the wall, enfolded in darkness and barely discernible smoke as it diffuses in the chilling air.

"You lookin' for trouble kid?" The man asks after a full minute. There is no heat to his gruff, nearly toneless voice. Taken at value, this is a warning. Advice to stay away, as if looking out for him.

The last bit leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Naruto doesn't need that, doesn't need anyone to look out for him.

(…can't have that anymore anyway.)

_Looking for trouble?_

Yeah, maybe he is.

A sudden screech tears through the air, and Naruto discovers it's the drunk man letting out a squawky attempt at laughter as he pushes shoulders with the rest and wobbles to the front.

"I ain't got time ta waste on damned punks." He spits out in a sneer, fist raised above his head and ready to throw. "Piss off-"

Naruto ducks down and forward, wind cutting at his skin with how fast his own fist is already plunging into the unsuspecting stomach. This time the guy is spitting out in choked pain, staggering for a moment, then he falls over his shoulder and down the sidewalk, probably unconscious by the looks of it.

None of them seem bothered by the fact, like the guy is nothing more than a fool not worth spending a breath for and Naruto won't either.

He straightens his posture, latching to the previous point of conversation. "Why, you gonna shut my mouth like you did with your friend?"

The cracking of knuckles fills up his ears and the resounding, derisive sniggers charge him. He bends slightly at the knees, muscles locking in place and bracing for impact. Scornful mutters about 'teaching the brat a lesson' ring in the air. One of them is stepping up.

Naruto is already diving in.

While it's all fun and games till it's not, right?

He dodges a punch with ease, and then his own is crashing into the stranger's face and knocking him over. Another one sets to attack him from the side, but before Naruto can even feel the graze of a fist on his skin, his elbow is slamming into the man's nose, breaking it. Swiveling, the heel of his foot drives into someone else's shin, the man goes smashing into the ground.

Someone grabs him by the hoodie and pulls, for a second cutting his air off. But before his next inhale he is already swinging, making contact, and this time his knuckles and wrist come away stained carmine.

The crack of bones is jarring to say the least, only somewhat cushioned by the wetness of blood and the aching groans.

And suddenly he is the one knocked back.

It's the first hit. And he feels _nothing._

Naruto bites down on the rising panic and answers in kind, ramming a punch into the nearest jaw that has his arm and shoulder almost quivering after.

The second hit leaves his cheek blazing.

A tangy taste spreads inside his mouth and he spits it out. Along with the crimson droplets, glinting whiteness tumbles into the ground, a molar. He runs his tongue over the gaping, swollen heat in his gum. His smirk stretches, it pulls at his skin, and he wipes the drizzle of blood with the back of his hand.

"That's all you got?" Naruto crows.

Tempers flare faster than a raging fire and energy tears through him, a static so strong he swears he can feel his veins burst with it.

"I'll show you what I got." Someone grunts from behind him.

The back of his head and neck alight with a gush of pain, so sudden it jolts down his spine and zings through his extremities, he feels the pulses of it in his fingertips. Naruto loses his footing, his body starts losing tension.

And out of the corner of his eye he sees Sasuke.

He is standing to the side, unmoving, like an observer. His features are still cross with chagrined coldness.

The ache in his chest is sent ablaze, an outright divergence from the tangibility of the hits he is starting to feel on his skin.

Lips pressed thin, Naruto grits his teeth and drives head first into the nearest body, throwing all his weight into the fight, and the raging and pained screams only serve as fuel to the fire.

Everything is moving fast around him, a little too fast and for an instant his line of sight goes muddling. But Naruto blinks the haziness away, steadies himself. They try to reach for him, but a vehement electricity is coursing through his body, keeping him on his feet, pushing him harder.

Naruto stops trying to discern faces in the dark. He jabs someone in the ribs, throws a kick in front of himself and someone else goes barrelling down.

Apprehension climbs back up his throat, unsettling enough to have him stall, leaving himself open. The next hit has him stumbling a few steps and warmth trickles in, until he realizes the wet trickle down his chin is his own blood.

Soreness creeps in, throbbing beneath his skin, beneath the numbness that has overtaken him, flaring, but the sorrow inside his brain is threatening to overwhelm it. And he can't allow that to happen.

So when they manage to grab him next, successfully detaining him, Naruto doesn't do much to dislodge himself from the hold.

He's not sure if the pounding in his head is the hammering of his heart or his brain shaking in his skull, but he is unrelenting, with arrogance splashed across his face as proof, and it seems to aggravate his opponents all the more. Strike after strike, his back caves in and he bears the brunt of it.

Solid, stark pain starts kicking in. And that's when he stops fighting back.

Somewhere along the line time begins to slow and his eyes close. His knees grow too weak to hold his weight and he is left to fall to the ground.

The battering continues, the kicks pile up and some contorted, writhing part inside Naruto feels like dissolving into laughter, and he does, because he got his way in the end.

His awareness falters and it takes him longer than it should to realize the blows have stopped raining over him. Winded, he breaths in, only to have his chest constrict. His inhales and exhales are mostly strenuous gasps as he blinks bleary eyes open.

He senses a presence next to him, before a hand is yanking on his hair until his head is tilting up. His sight is unfocused at best, but Naruto knows this is the smoking man who stood aside during the whole thing, he doesn't seem like someone who would dirty his hands in a scuffle with a kid. The man is saying something to him, but Naruto doesn't hear.

His head lands against the concrete surface once more and he barely glimpses the drunkard getting scraped off the ground, and then their small crowd is leaving. Naruto doesn't blame them, if he was in their shoes and their punching bag broke out in a laugh instead of breaking in pain he would probably tire of it too, even freak a little about it. Or maybe they decided to spare him out of pity.

His vision clears enough for him to take in the far out blue. Inhaling hurts in a distant sort of way and his breaths come in and go out stuttered.

Naruto's laughter is dying down and he thinks he might feel broken in places no physical pain can ever reach.

A crisp stillness draws out and draws in his mind, so delicate and faint it's as if the whole world drops under it, falling concealed.

His body grows lax and a lulling silence spreads up in his head. It's peaceful, even.

This next presence he doesn't feel, but he sees.

"What did you do?"

Sasuke makes the question sound disheartened, like it's something terrible, something to be saddened about. But Naruto doesn't have it in him to answer. He is not really thinking anymore, and somehow he is overthinking at the same time.

"…what, not gonna taunt me…" Naruto gives a half-hearted, humorless snort in the back of his throat, only to have his lungs spasm on him, coughing out saliva mixed with blood. "…about l-losing to them?"

"'Losing?'"

Sasuke's lone figure is contrasting and at the same time blending into the looming night, but his features grow gradually clearer once he steps forward, until he is crouching down in front of him.

"If it's a game you're playing at, then you're the only player here."

Naruto could swear Sasuke's eyes gleam a dash of fire red in the distorted, macabre moonlight behind him and for the split of a second the sky is oozing crimson like an open wound.

"And it's precisely why you will lose, Naruto…" Sasuke utters under his breath, face closing off, downcast. "…you will lose everything."

Naruto is the one to break the stare this time as, with half-lidded eyes, he turns to look up at the darkened mantle of storm clouds. A drop of blood slips from an open cut on his cheekbone and makes its way from the corner of his eye to his ear, leaving a trail behind like a tear track. The strain of a smile dims on his face, until it disappears.

(…What is Sasuke even saying? Naruto has already lost _everything.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Mayday Parade- Jersey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjcoFGcpJlo) I listened to this song while writing 90% of this. It's amazing and very recommended.
> 
> I had 40% of this chapter written months ago and I was so excited to finally post it, and I'm still excited but... it's a sad chapter too, yeah.


	11. But You Know With One Step Forward Darling, We've Taken Two Steps Back (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's not like I've never seen you without clothes before."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so, I might have finally **_finally_** settled on a summary and tags? hopefully these last
> 
> the title comes from me searching this almost exact sentence on google a week ago, and not only did I find the perfect title (that actually summarizes this whole story??) but also this song, so it's a win-win -[Laugh While You're Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4bABw18d1k)

Naruto doesn't sleep that night either, but he dips in and out of consciousness.

When the world starts clearing around the edges he becomes conscious enough to grasp the sight above him, through a husky screen of smoky grey the hue of dawn rolls in.

He blinks a few times, blearily, as if simply waking up from a dream. The bad taste of iron is all over the place, even so his mouth still is dry, like he's kept his jaw locked for days on end, and when he swallows on reflex he takes notice of his parched throat. The tip of his tongue automatically draws to the roof of his mouth, the row of his teeth, and finds another tooth is already growing back in the missing gap.

After a moment more of resting, he then attempts to sit up.

And immediately falls back down, groaning at the sudden pull he seems to feel from every inch of his body. He might have torn something. Gingerly touching his stomach, he quietly hisses through gritted teeth at the light pressure from his palm- yes, something is definitely torn. Well, he is certainly feeling the after-effects of his impulsive brawl, if his sore muscles are anything to go by.

His second attempt is far more successful, and, finally, he's sitting up, though with a considerable amount of effort. He touches his face next, patches of his skin are tender to the touch, no doubt from the bruising still going on. The first thing to do is drag himself back to his apartment, he can probably walk by now, and if the visible bruises haven't faded in a few hours he'll have to come up with a plausible excuse for Sakura (Sai wouldn't really care).

He rakes a hand through his hair and doesn't fight a yawn, even if his jaw prickles with sore sparks.

"I need a shower." Naruto says his first complete and coherent thought out loud to no one in particular.

Except, _someone in particular_ does hear him.

Sasuke, who is standing but a few feet away and leaning for support on a nearby wall, as if patiently waiting for Naruto to regain full sense of himself, stares at him like he has just grown a second head on top of his existing one, raising a bemused brow at him.

"You're being… surprisingly _casual_ about the situation?"

Naruto meets his eyes through his lashes and… shrugs. And his nose crinkles a bit at the stiffness in his shoulders.

Sasuke uncrosses his arms and doesn't break the stare. "Seriously? No, wait- _seriously?_ " He blinks in rapid succession down at him, befuddled. "Okay, am I the only one who's bothered by how casually you're approaching this? Really? Is this the new teenage way of dealing with stuff and no one bothered to let me know?"

Naruto only hears half of what he says, barely paying attention to his own thoughts. "Shh…" He tries to say 'shut up', but it doesn't really work in his favor. "…Don't be so loud, I've got a headache."

"…With what happened last night you've got a 'headache?'" Sasuke sounds incredulous. "Try a concussion. Or two. Or five. How many concussions can one person have at the same time anyway, 'cause I think that's what your case is right now."

Sasuke seems to be in a pretty chatty mood today, but Naruto is in much the opposite. And he really needs a shower, dried blood doesn't exactly smell great.

A second too late, as if in afterthought, Naruto realizes it might give him away. Sasuke might figure out this is not exactly uncharted territory for him. But again, Sasuke was witness to the unfolding of last night and at this point Naruto doesn't even find the energy in himself to care, seeing as the adrenaline that had taken his body hostage a few hours ago is now leaving waves of drowsiness in its wake and he seriously needs to be up and on his way.

"…Naruto?"

Out of everything he could have been expecting at the moment, however, at the bottom of his list was the sound of a worried, familiar voice greeting him.

Naruto looks up and to the side, and blinks with a start. "…Ino?"

**.**

**.**

**.**

Ino manages to take him to a small pension not too far off from their meeting point and on the way there tells him about how she occasionally helps the owners there because they're family friends, insisting on having a look at his wounds despite Naruto reassuring there is no need to. But, well, her persistence has always been a match to Sakura's own and the two of them belong in the circle of girls Naruto never wants to anger, unashamed to admit he is easily scared of them when they get mad.

They talk for a while, but she doesn't exactly ask what happened, or push on the subject, to Naruto's mild surprise.

"You ended up in the wrong place at the right time, I assume." She simply offers, instead.

"Yeah, something like that." He offers back.

He sits slouched a bit forward with his legs loosely crossed on the tatami mat, while Ino is sitting on her folded legs with her back almost ramrod straight as the lukewarm, viridescent glow of her chakra glazes over the now exposed skin of his torso.

Naruto doesn't pay attention, not exactly keen on seeing the proof of yesterday's sideshow scattered over his body, but he preoccupies himself with paying attention to her and his surroundings in general, so as not to let the nerves get the best of him.

Ino is fairly good at keeping up a poker face when she needs to, but he can clearly see her face is currently creased in uneasiness, although it's nowhere near bad as he might have imagined, thus, he concludes, the worst of his injuries healed well enough throughout the darkest hours.

"Does it hurt?" She only asks once throughout the process.

"No." He replies instantly.

(Of course this is not what's hurting.)

"…Thanks." He adds in a mumble, almost guiltily so, feeling that he owes her an apology somehow for involving her in this set of circumstances, even if she is the one who volunteered to check up on him in the first place.

"No problem." She says, meeting his eyes with a small smile for a second as if in reassurance.

Naruto wants to smile back, but he is too spent to fake one at the moment.

It doesn't take long at all, even if the minutes seem to drag on like hours, but regardless of the silence being short-lived, it feels like it has him caged in and his senses are screaming at him to flee. Naruto has always been comfortable around her, but the already present tension is growing thicker and he knows Ino is trying to hold herself back from asking, though he doesn't know what about. He's far better at reading Sakura and Kiba, and occasionally Sai, than he is at understanding anyone else.

Her hand drops back on her lap and her head tilts a tad downward, Ino's concern is once again perceivable.

After taking a bit of time to debate with herself, she regards him with distressed care. "What's going on with you, Naruto?"

Naruto's muscles lock up on a cut off inhale, taken aback by the straightforward question. It takes him a few seconds to force his body into relaxation and his next exhale to come out fairly quiet, not wanting to give his shock away. He lets his hair fall in his eyes, hiding his expression as he utters a barely audible reply.

"…Nothing."

Ino's resulting sigh suggests his minimal attempt at damage control isn't very successful, not that he had expectations about it. But he really doesn't want to do this right now. He's not up for it.

"Sakura and Sai are worried about you, you know?" She begins, the soft words aren't a way to guilt trip him, but rather meant as comfort. "Even Kakashi-sensei and Tsunade-sama and- really, we all are."

"I know." In spite of her efforts, self-reproach still tightens around him in a knot. "But there's no need to. I'm fine."

From the way her shoulders sag and her gaze drops, she doesn't believe him.

"Naruto, I…" Ino fidgets with her fingers. An apprehensive aura surrounds her, and when she raises her head again there is a dreadful kind of empathy written all over her face. "I understand what you are-"

_"Ino."_

Naruto's voice raises abruptly, verging on a scream in the quietness between the four walls, startling the both of them.

She cuts herself off immediately and the room plummets in ringing silence.

Naruto turns his head to the side, chest constricting and nails unconsciously digging in the worn tatami as alarm spikes throughout his whole body, and he swears he experiences a head rush so strong he might faint on the spot.

He has to fight to keep his breathing under control, but is in the end is able to catch himself. Fortunately for him the sense of fright goes swiftly diminishing, as if it was never there in the first place.

He meets her eyes again with a gentler but flimsy expression, lips pressed narrowly in what is supposed to be a smile, that in truth is more of a fragile frown, and he shakes his head, as if begging her not to press any further.

Ino backs off with a remorseful nod.

"You'll be fine." She utters in a second moment, while Naruto puts back the shirt and hoodie too, most definitely referring to his physical state rather than… well, everything else.

With a final nod Naruto stands back up and silently walks to the threshold, stopped by her next words.

"Just…" Ino's voice dwindles to a whisper, though her expression is hopeful. "Please take care of yourself, okay?"

Naruto turns to face her, answering in a hush. "…Okay."

He smiles at her, worn out, and Ino smiles back just as tiredly.

* * *

Sasuke had mostly kept to himself throughout the exchange, to the point Naruto had almost forgotten about his presence and missed the way Sasuke had also shown surprise at Ino's direct question, watching on curiously.

On the way back, they walk once again past the hard concrete Naruto spent the night upon, and Sasuke is the one who is asking this time, nodding towards the ground, smattered still in dried blood.

"Care to explain what this was all about?"

Naruto bites down on a frustrated sigh. He's beyond fatigued and it's sort of unbelievable to think the day has yet to start.

"No."

He tries to ignore the way Sasuke focuses back on him, apparently engrossed in Naruto's reckless judge calls.

"You really-"

"I said no." He stresses.

"Let's just-"

"Not happening."

Unfortunately for him, this is territory Naruto won't allow trespassing in, he is not about to give up statements on his life choices and neither does he plan to have any conversation about them. And certainly not with _him._

"But-"

"Stop."

"I want to-"

"Shut up."

Sasuke's exasperation is a step away from turning into full-fledged annoyance. "Can I please get a word in-"

"No. You can't." Naruto finally stops and faces him, his own annoyance building over the earlier queasiness. "And while you're at it, could you stop talking to me." He requests, but it's not a request at all and he only wants a bit of quiet before he has to put a facade on, is this really too much to ask? This moment sort of feels like a deja-vu.

"Oh, I wasn't aware this was one of those 'don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee' type of situations?" Sasuke bites back, but his words are more contemptuous than mocking.

"No. It's more of a 'don't talk to me at all' type of situation." Naruto mutters out, gritting teeth behind thin pressed lips as he resumes his trek back, avoiding the most obvious routes where he can be seen. "…Today's just not a good day."

"Yeah, _no shit._ You think I had a sudden moment of blindness and actually missed the way you got your brain slammed around?" Sasuke retorts, sarcastic but more subdued now as he avoids his eyes.

What's his problem? Naruto is the one here with too much on his plate already and Sasuke has _nothing_ to do with this. Sasuke has no place being here. And he most definitely has no place barging in Naruto's life _now_ and acting like he knows what's going on when he himself is grasping at straws and climbing up walls of mirrors and smoke as he tries to figure it out.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Making it back without any mishaps along the way, Naruto is quick to discard the hoodie first, mindlessly thinking if he should just wash it off or if throwing it away is an altogether better option. When he nears his bathroom door however, and he has the hem of his shirt in his hold, he stops in his tracks.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

Sasuke has a look around, as if he might be talking to someone else, and blinks once in confusion. "Nothing?"

"Stay there." Naruto orders like he would do with a dog, and in another moment he is probably going to think back to this and maybe laugh about it.

"And I should do that because…?"

…Is this guy for real?

 _"Because_ I have to shower." He answers, _obviously._

Sasuke's amused, mischievous little smile is back and Naruto's inexplicable need to punch it out of his face grows exponentially when he opens his mouth next.

"Why? It's not like I've never seen you without clothes before."

The blankness in Naruto's mind is quick to be replaced by a few lively images prior four years and a gust of warmth blares from the base of his neck to the tip of his ears.

"We were twelve!" He exclaims in sixteen percent horror and eighty-four percent embarrassment. "I-I didn't even know you were there! I just wanted to swim!"

The curve of Sasuke's mouth widens. "No need to get so defensive about it."

"Sasuke!" He shouts, because he doesn't know what else to say.

"Okay, okay, I'm just messing around." Sasuke amends, not sounding apologetic _in the least._ "Though you flashed Sakura too, I remember her blushing for three days straight after that. She couldn't even look you in the eyes for a couple of weeks." He keeps going, not even having the decency to keep his diverted little laugh to himself.

Naruto drags a hand to his face, covering it in shame. But really, it's not his fault if they had been stuck in a mission and conveniently stumbled upon a pond on the way to the village. The sun had been scorching that day and he had wanted nothing more to submerge himself in cold, cold water, so he snuck away and did just that, running in head first. How was he to know his two teammates had apparently shared the same idea and were standing only a few feet away!

Relenting a bit, after what seemed like a proper amount of time had passed, he peeks from his hand.

Half of Sasuke's silhouette is exposed to the weak sunlight trickling in, the other half that's enclosed in shadows Naruto is watching from the gaps in between his fingers.

"…You're the worst." His tone lowers to a murmur, but the words ricochet in the open, stifling space between them as he wonders if he has ever meant this sentence in a more mortified, in a more innocent way than he does now.

"Heh, tell me something I don't know." Sasuke's voice is almost a whisper, and he is watching him right back.

Something burns and expands in his chest at the sight, tugging at him enough for Naruto to give in to the temptation to ask. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Sasuke's smirk softens at the edges, along with his features and his voice. "Because I like this quieter side of you."

Naruto's eyes widen and his lips part as if to let air out, though it feels his lungs have stopped cooperating.

As if caught off guard by his own words, a hand raises to the back of his neck in a seemingly self-conscious gesture and he fixes his gaze elsewhere. "Not that I don't like your loud self from years ago, it's just…" He lifts his shoulders, then lifts his gaze back to him. "You've been quieter around me these days."

Naruto's fingers twitch at the unexpected response and the breath that pushes out of him is a little shaky. He slowly takes his hand away to better see the boy in front of him.

But the apparently flawless moment gets broken when he narrows his eyes in flat suspicion. "You're still messing with me."

Sasuke's brows furrow and he makes a confused noise in the back of his throat. "Not everything I say is a way to mess with you." His words are said slightly higher toward the end, as if in question.

"Could have fooled me."

Sasuke sighs and rolls his eyes to the ceiling, muttering to himself. "And we're back to your defensive mode."

"I'm _not_ being defensive." Naruto protests defensively.

At Sasuke's pointed stare, not to mention his point being proven, he refrains from adding anything further, considering this a lost battle, and proceeds to shuffle his way into the bathroom, shutting the door a little too loudly behind him.

Naruto leans against it and frowns behind the closed door, the coldness of his face swapped away by a blaring warmth setting in. With the back of his hand he hastily rubs at one cheek, as if to get rid of the feeling.

Shaking his head, he wonders for maybe the umpteenth time what is wrong with him. Maybe it's just the weather getting to his head or something.

It's a few steps in, when vertigo sweeps him out of his feet and has him grabbing the edge of his bathtub in time to avoid an ugly concussion- if he doesn't have one already, that is- but time slows down and he keeps falling, and the floor caves in from under him and, suddenly, flashes of scenes already lived blaze behind his closed lids in indiscernible cuts.

Vicious trembling flares up his limbs and paralyzes him against the cold tiles, his forehead presses on the uncomfortable porcelain and a dizzying wave of nausea has his stomach constricting so tightly he can't even gasp out a breath. Terror streams inside his veins and, terrified, he eyes the stretch of his quivering forearm, and digs his nails down into his skin, it feels paper-thin.

He loses balance, a thud echoes, and the back of his head and shoulders are pressing against the tiles next. He doesn't breathe. He doesn't move for a few, interminable seconds.

From ruby indentations, droplets break out and he starts breathing again, slumping forward, reminding himself that this is physical pain and there is nothing more to it. Pain only runs skin deep, he reassures himself. Until the horror wanes.

Exhaustion has him keep his eyes closed tight and fingers wrapped around the slight wetness of his arm, the cold sweat beading at his hairline has a race of goosebumps shuddering down his skin.

Although, when he manages to blink his eyes open again, he is definitely not anticipating to find Sasuke crouched a few steps away, peering down at him.

Huh, he must seriously be exhausted since the sudden proximity has him utterly unfazed, he isn't even flinching at their faces being a few inches apart.

Rather, the world is tilted and hazy, and Naruto has never been happier to see him.

"…Hi." He is the one to greet him with an unstrained smile this time.

Sasuke's responding smile is cautious, but honest. "Hey yourself."

The floor unravels in wool threads beneath him and the sky splits wide and open above him and his brain is so _so_ fuzzy and all he can see is Sasuke and never before has he been more okay with such a notion.

"Are you o-"

"You're so cool." Naruto blurts out, interrupting him. "…And you look cool too." Raising one incredibly heavy hand, he vaguely gestures at his head. "I like the new hair… it suits you. Really suits you. _Reeeally."_

"Thanks? And I like this new style you've got going on for yourself." Sasuke returns the compliment, pointing to his forehead.

"That…" Naruto frowns a bit, hand falling down and making a far away sound. "I…sorta don't wear it anymore. S'been a while."

"Yeah, I had noticed the distinct lack of forehead protector." The heaviness behind his eyes brightens a little at the crinkling corners. "I never liked it anyway."

Naruto laughs with a little effort and a lot of fun. "You… always found excuses to avoid it."

"Busted." Sasuke grins. "I just never found the use for it." And his grin turns feeble. "…I'm guessing your reason runs a little deeper than mine."

Naruto's head drops a bit and his eyes glaze over. And although he doesn't give an answer to that, he gives one all the same.

"I was waiting… you know?" Somehow it feels like his tongue is stuck in place, just like him, but he can't stop the truth from spewing out of his mouth. "When he… Konoha…" His chest hurts again, but he doesn't think it's a tangible sensation this time around. "…wanted you to be there…"

The tilt of the other boy's grin falls completely, giving way to a resigned frown. "I wish I was there with you, wish I could have helped."

"Where…" Naruto swallows past the lump in his throat to no avail. "…were you?"

"I got…" Sasuke hesitates, unable to hold the intent look. "…caught up in some trouble."

Naruto tries to raise himself a little, but it's useless since it feels his body is made out of foam. "…Trouble? Are you… are you okay?"

A soft smile meets his now unsettled frown. "I'm the one supposed to be asking that right now, not the other way around."

"…I'm fine."

Sasuke's expression falls completely. "No, you're not."

Naruto slumps back with a little huff of agreement. "…No. I'm not."

"...How long can you even go on like this?"

"I…" Now he's the one who can't look in his eyes, the truth behind the words too threatening. "…don't know what else to do."

"But you did it, you made it."

Naruto doesn't add anything, but his silence is telling. And Sasuke ends up falling silent too in understanding.

Naruto expects him to deny his unspoken claim, expects to hear him say something reassuring, but he does neither. What Sasuke does say, however, is…

"…You must have been so scared."

Sasuke's voice carries over his ears in a whisper and the far away whiteness of the sky wavers in front of him- then Naruto notices his eyes are filling with tears.

"I…" His vocal cords aren't working, but he tries, he _tries so hard_ to let the words out. "…so scared." He gasps out. "…I was so _scared."_ With dry lips and the quaver of a fading smile he plucks words out from the deepest, darkest recess of himself. "I… needed you there. No one… no one else could… make it better… the hospital… waiting outside that door... so cold… wanted to see you…" Shivers crawl up his spine and his voice cracks, unaware that a tear, the first tear since Sasuke showed up, the first in a long, _long_ time spills down his skin.

Sasuke draws closer, putting a hand right beside him, but halting. "Naruto I'm…" He wears a contrived expression, as if fighting with himself, his hands clenching and jaw locking in place. He lets himself fall forward, until his forehead drops right next to his head on the cool porcelain. "…you shouldn't have gone through that hell, you never should have."

Naruto blinks, dizzy, slowly turning toward him. "…I…I could say the same about everything that happened to you." He thinks, for a moment, for a single moment in what feels like years, he thinks about Sasuke. He thinks about what Sasuke has _lost._ Something shatters in a million little fragments, he's powerless to tell if it's outside or inside of him. "…wish I could have helped with that." And he means it with every piece of his fractured soul, but he doesn't know how much more of it he has left.

Sasuke remains unmoving for a few seconds more.

Naruto watches him breathe in, watches him breathe out. At the moment he can't tell which one of them is in more pain.

"But you've helped more than you can even think." Sasuke finally looks back at him, smiling.

Naruto wants to say it's not true, that he could - _should-_ have tried so much harder, but Sasuke feels so close like this and his head feels so foggy and even through this kind of hurt he feels so peaceful, because Sasuke is here, with him, and he doesn't want this to stop and-

"-I missed you."

And just like that he is giving out the words he had wanted to speak a year ago, when he saw him again, the words he had wanted to tell him three years ago, the day he left, these cursed words that became a weakness he tried to bury inside, these hopeful words that he came to forget he was even hiding inside himself.

Sasuke's slow smile lights his whole face with aching relief. "…You're saying that like you don't know I've missed you to death for three damn years."

And Naruto's smile stretches so wide he thinks it might just break his face off and somehow he is perfectly fine with that.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a mostly unplanned chapter? consider the ending part of this an extra 'cause the author was having a meltdown?' seriously though, most of this wasn't planned but I'm rolling with it because I kinda really like it and really needed it, I seriously needed Naruto to crawl out of his walls and be honest with Sasuke just for a second there, so of course this is actually self-indulgence at its worst… though things are back to 'normal' the next chapter
> 
> okay it's five a.m. and I really need to sleep (yes I'm editing this tomorrow, I'm literally sorry for the absolute mess that this chapter is) hope you guys are all staying safe in these trying times


	12. But You Know With One Step Forward Darling, We've Taken Two Steps Back (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not him being casual about it. It's just force of habit.

**.**

**.**

**.**

"Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"Not that I want this heart to heart to be over-" Sasuke leans a tad away, squinting his eyes at him as if studying him. "-and don't take this the wrong way, but you look really high right now."

Naruto blinks up at him. And snorts.

Sasuke backs away a little further, glancing around the room. "You're not hiding any drugs in here, right? I know that's edgy and all but it's not really part of your brand."

"Please." Naruto dismisses with a lethargic movement of the shoulders.

Sasuke's grin widens a little. "I see your innate sense of justice still prevails over everything else."

But the deliberate choice of words has Naruto unpleasantly snapping back into alertness, like he has just woken up from a strange, formless dream.

 _"Ow_. _"_

He takes hold of his now aching head in both hands, vision swimming as he tries to regain a sense of the present.

"What the…"

And then notices Sasuke a few inches away from him.

Suddenly _very_ _aware_ of the close proximity, Naruto tries to put as much space between them as he can now that his neurotransmitters are apparently kicking into gear again, though the space in question isn't collaborating with him and if he gets back a little further he might just fall into his bathtub.

"W-What the hell are you doing here?!"

"You don't remember…" Sasuke trails off in apparent confusion, then he is practically shoving a hand in front of his face. "How many fingers am I holding up right now?"

Naruto 'shoos' the dangling appendage away, though careful not to accidentally touch him to avoid feeling… emptiness where Sasuke's skin should be. Alright, that's a pretty _creepy_ thought to have at the moment. "Get your hand out of my face."

"That's not really an answer, but hey, I'll take what I can get." Sasuke's airy tone however flakes out as he rests both elbows on his bent knees, eyes shifting down. "What's wrong?"

Naruto glances down, at the smeared redness of his forearm where he dug his nails in, and another wave of nausea greets him into wakefulness. He doesn't want to have another repetition of this morning, even if it was infinitely easier with Ino than it is with Sasuke. He keeps his eyes locked on the floor. "I just… tripped."

Yes, because tripping would leave marks like those. He's almost anticipating a rebuke, since it doesn't look like Sasuke will let it go. But he does.

"Maybe it's because you haven't eaten anything lately, did you think of that?"

Naruto sees the given chance for what it is and tries to stray further from the unpleasant topic and steer toward the slightly easier one. "So if I agree to eat something… you'll leave me alone?"

"For the next ten minutes? Yeah, sure."

It's actually hard to tell if Sasuke is being serious or not. Naruto narrows his eyes at him. If Sasuke is being this annoying on purpose then- wait, this is Sasuke, _of course_ he is being annoying on purpose.

"…Yeah, yeah, okay." Naruto agrees reluctantly and without energy, pushing up on his elbows, and for the second time this day gets to his feet with a little more effort than necessary.

"…What happened anyway?" It seems important to ask, even if he is not sure he wants to hear the answer. Or if it will be an _answer_ at all.

"You really don't remember?" Sasuke looks almost dejected, before his gloomy expression does a 180° turn and he's shifting closer again, voice dropping low. "And here I thought you would keep our _intimate_ conversation locked in your heart forever."

"W-Wait _what?!"_ And Naruto is promptly _shifting away_ again, incredibly nervous about the new information. It can't be true… right? Right? "You… you're just making fun of me…" He states rather unsurely.

"Am I?" Sasuke questions cryptically, obviously enjoying teasing him, much to Naruto's chagrin. "Now hurry up and take your shower, I'll wait outside. Oh, and don't take too long, I get bored easily."

And he ups and leaves, leaving Naruto flustered, confused and with a gap in his memories.

**.**

**.**

**.**

After the much needed cold shower, Naruto is standing in front of his locked bathroom door. He takes a deep breath in, slowly letting it go. He can do this. He has faced way more dangerous situations, having to face Sasuke- or, well, his ghost- is practically a joke after an apparently 'intimate' round of conversation he has no recollection of- not that he believes that to be true- really, it's nothing to be so hung up about.

With a minuscule shake of the head he finally unlocks the door and steps out, doing so quickly before he can change his mind.

"Did you think up a menu or can I just eat an apple and we call it a day?" Naruto asks, a bit unwilling and a bit jokingly, not as opposed to the idea as he might have been before.

But he is met with silence.

A light frown mars his features and he resolves to go check his room, thinking his 'guest' is waiting for him there.

"…Sasuke?"

He doesn't find him. Almost unconsciously he goes to inspect every single room one more time, but Sasuke is nowhere to be found. He is the only one standing here, inside his silent apartment.

A hollow, crushing sensation Naruto has only come to associate with loneliness before seeps under his skin.

He is glad, really. It's all that he wanted, to finally be left alone and in peace.

Almost on autopilot he turns toward the kitchen, thinking about their talk and taking a step in its direction. Then takes a step back.

It doesn't matter. It's not like he really planned to eat anyway, he's too drained to be hungry.

* * *

Naruto is just a little fretful to be meeting up with his team, thinking up ways to elude Sakura's perceptiveness on the way there.

But upon seeing him, she doesn't seem to catch sight of anything out of the ordinary.

"Hi."

"Hi." She greets with a smile, as always, though it is slightly apologetic. "I wanted to drop by yesterday, but I was held back at the hospital."

"S'fine, I slept the day away." Naruto tells her, easily dancing around the truth. "What's the schedule for today?"

Sakura loops their arms together, walking with him, with Sai on his other side.

"Nothing major, let's just take it easy today."

"Sakura-chan, you read my mind."

She laughs and Naruto's smile comes out a little less forced this time.

* * *

Ten hours later find Naruto sitting before the cobblestone pathway surrounding the entrance to Kiba's house. The other boy wasn't home when he got here but that's not an issue at all since he is used to wait for him by now, this isn't a first occurrence either.

His mind has been running in endless circles and he is in need of a distraction, pretty badly if he does say so himself. In the waiting, he numbly counts the cracked little stones laying by his feet apart from the ones caved in, kicking at them and raising dust, only to watch the dust particles float away and hear the light _thud_ the fragments of rock make on impact.

Naruto raises his head from his crossed over arms once he hears footsteps approaching and sees his best friend walking his way.

"Bad day?" A known carefulness is hiding behind Kiba's words.

_Yes._

"Not really." Naruto says in response with a slight, gauntly tilt of the lips. "Just felt like hanging out."

Kiba is soon talking again, something about his mom not being home for the night and Akamaru being away with his sister, but there are black spots skipping across Naruto's vision as soon as he stands up and his attention is fading in and out of the conversation. Pretending nothing is out of order however, he takes his sandals off too, following Kiba who leads the way in.

Once they're in his room, Naruto makes a beeline for the bed without further ado, letting out a contented breath when his back and backside finally come to rest on top of something _soft_ instead of the hard, cold ground he feels he has recently gotten acquainted with on one too many occasions.

"You want anything to eat?" Kiba asks, the ever attentive host.

"Nah, I ate a while ago." A while ago being two days ago, but Kiba doesn't need to know that.

"To drink?"

The corners of Naruto's mouth lift up in the same way children's do when they know they are about to get surprise candy from their parents.

"Milk."

Kiba lets out an amused huff. "Dude, seriously, what's up with you and milk?"

Naruto lets out a little laugh, patting one of the pillows and leaning back on it. "Shut up. Milk is _awesome."_

"I'm surprised your bones aren't made of steel with how much of it you drink."

"Who knows, maybe they are?"

"Sure they are, superman."

While Kiba goes to retrieve his favorite beverage, Naruto busies himself with stretching a hand to the side and taking hold of one of the comics he had started reading the last time he was here.

His friend returns with a small, clear bottle of crisp white liquid. "You're lucky I bought a bunch of these just for you."

Even if he gets often teased for it, he knows Kiba buys these regularly and has them stored in his fridge because this brand is Naruto's favorite. And he can't help but find the gesture thoughtful every time, probably because he has never really been on the receiving end of many thoughtful gestures in his life.

"I've told you already, you're my second favorite person in the world."

"Who's the first?"

Naruto gets hold of the cold glass bottle passed to him, taking a sip and immediately sighing in exaggerated joy. "Sakura-chan, 'course."

"Good thing Shino is always at the top of my list." Kiba jabs playfully back.

Naruto grins. "Fuck you."

"Oh-uh, your name is dropping dangerously low on my list. Keep that up and you'll reach the bottom in no time-"

But Kiba doesn't expect for Naruto to _reach_ behind him and throw the pillow at his face, drawing a laugh out of him as he springs into attack and they both fall out of the bed in the resulting wrestling match.

**.**

**.**

**.**

"…Okay." Kiba declares, winded. "Let me get the sitch right. You don't feel like sparring, or playing any kind of game, or even talking. But you're good with taking my bed for yourself and reading my comic."

Naruto makes a _'din din din'_ high-pitched noise, much like they do in game shows. "You chose the correct answer." He replies, eased back into the bed as if it was his and slowly taking in every drawn page, the small bottle of milk now standing empty in the corner of the bedside table. "Congratulations, your prize is my company."

"Well, I'm gonna have to ask for a consolation prize then."

"Well, I'm gonna have to ask Sakura-chan to kick your ass then."

He gets a grimace at that.

"Woah, woah, woah. Let's not get ahead of ourselves now, that's one scary prize right there."

Naruto hides a snicker while skimming through the pages.

"So." Kiba sighs, with his hands on his waist and a 'no-nonsense' voice in imitation of his mother. "That leaves us with only one option at this point."

"Which is?"

"Scoot over, I'm taking a nap." And Kiba throws himself beside him, making them both bounce in place. Good thing his bed is similar to Naruto's own and wide enough for two people to comfortably fit in.

Naruto lowers the comic down to his cheekbones. "Seriously, how can you sleep _any_ hour of the day?"

"It's almost seven." Kiba remarks in a way that makes his nap time sound like it should be nothing if not obvious.

"Yes, exactly, it's almost _seven."_ Naruto points out in his same tone.

"You know how old people always like to sleep early."

"Dude, you're sixteen."

Kiba lifts his head enough to look him straight in the eyes and utter in a slow, philosophic sort of way- most definitely imitating Kakashi now, "…I'm an old soul inside."

Naruto deadpans. "Your idea of having fun is seeing how many noodles you can inhale through your nose before you need to go to the hospital."

"Don't give me that. We literally share this 'fun hazard', as Sakura likes to call it." The boy lowers his voice, as if conspiratorially. "Between you and me though, I think she means that in an insulting way."

"No." Naruto acts shocked. "You got that from all the times she has said out loud and in front of us that it's the most disgusting thing she has ever seen?"

"I don't know man, when she looks like she's about to throw up? Yeah, that right there makes me think it's her favorite pastime."

They share a look and manage to keep an impassive expression. Only to crack two seconds later, and though only Kiba is fully cracking up Naruto can't help a little chuckle himself.

"Also, my record is thirty." Kiba has the need to announce afterwards, referring to their 'fun hazard'.

Naruto scowls lightly. "No, it's not, it's twenty-nine."

"Heh, that's _yours,_ weakling."

"Whatever, I'll beat you next time, loser."

Kiba wiggles around in bed until he finds a nice spot, purposefully annoying to get a smile out of him, until he is finally lying stomach down while Naruto is on his back. His breathing is already evening out, he must be tired, Naruto thinks.

"…Say." Kiba mumbles, somewhat loud enough to be heard even if his eyes have already slipped close. "You heard about the incident near the docks?"

Naruto goes rigid at that, not expecting this subject to be brought up, not to mention last night's memories also getting conjured up in his head. But he has no bruises and blood on him anymore, and if Sakura didn't notice it, there is no way Kiba will, no matter how sharp he can actually be.

The thought sends his mind at rest and his breathing doesn't stutter as he speaks in a quiet, level voice. "Yeah, I heard."

"Poor guy got almost drowned, they found him barely breathing and pretty much beaten to a pulp." Kiba continues, voice losing the playful edge and taking more of a low, somber note to it. "You've got any ideas on who might have done it?"

Naruto thinks back to the cold, hard ground he slept on, thus, thinking of the bunch he also got _acquainted with_ last night, still feeling the ghost of the aching blows through his skin. He ends up disclosing what he had first thought after finding out about the news. "He was probably part of a gang. They're pretty vindictive if one of them just ups and leaves, right?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe he wanted a way out, probably gave out info to get them caught or something."

"And look how that ended." Naruto denotes, sullenly.

Kiba lets out a faint bout of laughter in the back of his throat, though without any sort of humor trickling behind this time.

"Man, is it just me or is the world kind of going to shit?"

 _'Tell me about it.'_ Naruto thinks bitterly, but forces a small smile in lieu of it. "That's so positive of you."

His friend cracks an eye open. "Look, I like optimism as much as the next guy. But I want to see proof of it too, ya know?" And settles down again, yawning in his pillow.

"…Yeah." He agrees in a hush as he too settles back in the other. "You're right."

Kiba falls asleep almost instantly and Naruto is left staring at the ceiling. He doesn't go back to reading just yet, not sure funny vignettes in a comic can keep in check the turmoil inside his brain. Even if the warm upper arm pressing against his reminds him he is not alone, at least at the moment.

"Definitely too casual about this whole thing."

Naruto blinks with a start, craning his neck to find Sasuke beside him.

"…You're here." He comments tensely after a full ten seconds of staring at each other. "Again."

Sasuke's mouth quirks in a smirk, hands drawing up as he shrugs his shoulders. "I'm here."

Naruto scoffs soundlessly, mindful of Kiba resting beside him. "What do you want." It's not even a question, he just wants the day to be over and Sasuke to get as far away from him as it is humanly possible.

It's just so much _easier_ that way.

He doesn't bother answering, but the way Naruto is being scrutinized makes him want to crawl away and crawl out of his skin altogether.

"Maybe I was wrong about you." Sasuke utters lowly and his mostly edgeless smirk sours. "…You do know your way around lies, after all."

From his peripheral, Naruto keeps his gaze steady, stone-cold. As if to get back at him. As if to try and hurt him right back. "Guess so."

But there is something else Sasuke is wrong about.

This is not him being casual about it. It's just force of habit.

After a while the tears dry off, the pain numbs down and the emptiness puts the brightest flames out. After a while you're lucky if you can still feel your heart beating inside your chest.

(And Naruto's luck has been running out lately.)

* * *

Ino opens one of the new doors that leads into a new room of the still renovating hospital.

"Hey, it's not your turn today?" Sakura asks with slight incredulity in her tone, but nonetheless glad to see her.

"Oh, so I'm not welcome here." Ino pretends to take offence, turning back and calling over her shoulder. "I guess I'm leaving."

"No, no, of course I'm happy to see you." Sakura grasps her arm and pulls her in a hug, drawing a chuckle out of her.

"Rough day?" Ino asks once she pulls back from the bear hug.

Sakura answers with a saccharine smile. "Tell that to the wonderful patient who threw up on me today."

Ino's nose crinkles and she clicks her tongue. "Well, there goes my dinner."

They both laugh, falling into easy chatter soon enough.

"And how long have you been here already?" Ino brings up, a little curious.

"Mmh, just a couple of hours, I think."

"Ah-uh. And what about this morning?"

Having been caught, Sakura averts her eyes for a moment as a bit of an ashamed smile comes up. "I didn't have anything to do?" She tries with.

Ino stares on, flatly, sounding just a _little_ condescending. "Sakura, _honey,_ people don't go to work at three in the morning, outside of their actual _working hours,_ because they 'have nothing to do.'"

Sakura raises an eyebrow at her and matches her tone. "Ino, _darling,_ if you already knew about it why are you asking?"

She sends her back _a look._

"Okay, okay, it's not a big deal." Sakura quickly adds as a way to placate her. "I couldn't sleep, alright, so I decided to drop by earlier. Way earlier. I'm just… spending my free time in a productive way. Yes." She nods confidently to herself.

Ino lets out a long sigh, exaggerating a bit for show and emphasis. "You work too much. You know that, don't you?"

Sakura tucks a stray lock, fallen from her loose bun, behind her ear, smiling at her best friend. "I work just enough."

Ino rolls her eyes, though affectionately so. "Sure, whatever you say."

Although this particular topic is not as lighthearted as she would like for it to be. But today she isn't here to discuss Sakura's overworking habits, Ino has a specific reason why she dropped by.

"…Sakura?"

"What is it?" The other girl asks back distractedly, sparing a glance at her as she writes something down.

Although her specific reason to drop by now doesn't sound as _simple_ in essence as she had thought it to be in her head. Ino had been so sure in the morning that she would tackle this matter with Sakura. But now, being face to face… her self-assurance is wavering.

And, after a moment more of hesitation, Ino closes her mouth again.

"No, nothing important." She denies quietly a moment later.

Sakura gives her another smile and she returns it, before her friend is called over by one of the medic-nins. Sakura is already hyper-focused on the job, even if the darkness around her eyes and the slight hollowness of her cheeks makes it clear she has not slowed down enough to properly eat or sleep.

Once she has her back turned to her, Ino's face falls along with her smile. She can't tell her, she will worry herself sick about it and Ino can't be the one to add yet another weight on her shoulders, not when Sakura is already working herself down to the bone as a way to overcompensate.

Then what else can she do about it? It's not the first time she has taken notice of it now, but today's proof was too overwhelming to just be another mere coincidence. Ino might have a pretty good hunch as to what is going on with Naruto, and if she turns out to be right… that would be downright heartbreaking.


	13. "By Looking Too Closely..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For the record, I was doing _just fine_ without you."
> 
> "I'm _sure_ you were."
> 
> Insufferable.
> 
> Sasuke is _insufferable._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's just a tiny bit of foreshadowing in the first half of this. (Just kidding, it's actually sprinkled throughout the whole chapter.)
> 
> …This was also just meant to be 2k? What happened? Apparently my writer's block is pretty inexistent right now and I'm not sure if that's a good thing?

This is not his usual disorganized heap.

It's the first thought that welcomes him as he touches down into the land of consciousness. It should be common knowledge now that Naruto has always been one of those people who take longer to wake up, whose brains kick into gear in a frowzy and slow process, in static thoughts until the world around morphs into a digestible tangibleness, even if for the most part still in disarray. And lately more so than ever.

He brushes the sleep out of his eyes and down his face with a sluggish motion of the hand, fingers falling to his neck as if to trace an imaginary lump on the inside of his throat, which should be there but it's currently not.

It's the lack of apprehensiveness that is more foreboding than anything.

A quick survey of the well known room, which feels just as homely as ever, is enough for a slight pang to hit him, and for thoughts a tad more comprehensible to land in his mind. He apparently stayed at Kiba's, apparently let himself fall into the arms of Morpheus too, and although his sleep had been restless at best he _does_ feel more rested. So at least today he won't feel like fainting with each step he takes. Probably.

Realizing he is the sole occupant of the room, he decides to go in search of the rightful owner of it. And he finds him, or, well, finds his voice first, in the kitchen.

"Morning!" Kiba exclaims from behind some pots and plates. Literally, his head has practically disappeared inside them.

"Mornin'…" He says back, with barely one third of his energy.

"I was wondering when you'd be done with your beauty sleep." His best friend jabs good-naturedly, stopping whatever he is messing with to sneak a glance around the corner of the wall, grinning a little. "Don't you just look like a sunshine today."

Naruto lets out a lethargic, amused huff. "And here I thought you liked the soap and water kind of beauty."

"No offense man, but it looks like you just got out of hibernation. And not the good kind."

"I wasn't aware there's a bad kind of hibernation?"

"Dunno if there is, I'm not a bear."

Naruto laughs, low and sort of scratchy, and his expression changes into a mostly disbelieving one as he walks up to him, though the other boy has his back still turned.

And finally out of all the ruckus he is making, which tells him that his mother and sister aren't home, or were home and have left already since they would most probably be yelling their heads off by now- one reprimanding for the loud noise so early in the morning and the other shrieking threats for being so rudely woken up- Kiba finally emerges with what their breakfast must consist of.

Naruto looks down at the plain bowls of milk he is holding, and then looks back up at him. "All that noise for these?"

"Even if my cooking skills are chef level-"

Naruto makes no attempt whatsoever to hide his snort. Kiba ignores him.

"-simple breakfasts are the best, everyone knows that. Plus, there's no more rice so we'll make do." Then leads their way to the table, where cereals are waiting to be poured.

Naruto takes a seat, feeling troubled but calmer than he has in days, the contrast of it all pretty strange.

"Sorry for apparently crashing last night." He also feels the need to apologize. "Guess I was more tired than I'd thought."

"I've told you a hundred times already, it's fine, just crash here whenever you want. 'Sides, you know at this point my mom likes you more than her _own_ son. And Hana is kinda less scary when you're around."

Naruto gives a small smile, thinking about the kindness this family has shown him. "Thanks."

Kiba waves a dismissing hand, meaning he shouldn't even think about thanking him for something like this.

His best friend starting on his breakfast reminds Naruto that he too needs to eat, and he looks down at his portion, a little resistant.

It's not that he doesn't want to eat, really. It's just that his stomach gets so tight at times, to the point nothing could possibly fit in, and the sensation of it is so… odd. And it should probably concern him more, but it doesn't. However he _loves_ milk, and these are the really crunchy and really sugary kind of cereals that he likes and hasn't had in a long while, so he tries to stave the odd feeling off and gives in to the temptation of something tasty after days of barely enough water, and honestly it's fairly easy to down spoonful after spoonful. He misses the way his friend glances up at him, smiling a little as he watches him eat without much hesitation this time around.

"So, I was talking to Sakura the other day." Kiba begins. "They're discharging Kakashi-sensei pretty soon."

Naruto looks up, a genuine spark of life lighting up his features. "That's good." He says, and means it. Somehow it feels like the first good news they've had in a while. "Do you think we could make something? Like a 'welcome back' kinda thing?"

Kiba looks on the verge of smiling too, although his head drops a little and his voice trudges on more uncertain territory. "That's a nice idea." He lifts his shoulders in a casual manner, but the gesture is, more than anything, reticent. "Though I know a celebration might… not sound exactly great right now."

Naruto finishes swallowing the sweet mouthful before speaking again, brows furrowing slightly in confusion. "Huh? Why wouldn't it? This is something to celebrate, right?"

Kiba goes a little rigid, staring up at him in stark surprise. Before exhaling quietly and falling back on his chair. "…No, no reason." The hand closed around his spoon flexes minutely. "You're right."

Naruto shrugs and goes back to eating the rest of his breakfast.

**.**

**.**

**.**

He's listening to Kiba whining about his sister having taken Akamaru with him, and somehow he is listening so intently that he thoroughly forgets about a certain issue that seems to pop up in his life quite regularly in its irregularity, especially during the early hours of the day.

"Morning. Are you having a _good_ one though?"

At the new voice sounding from behind him, Naruto almost drops the bowl. For whatever miracle his fingers manage to remain attached to it, forcibly gripping the ceramic in his hands.

He scrunches his eyes closed for a second, swearing in his head. The last two days he managed just fine without a single spike of surprise. But it seems they're back to their former routine now, aka: trying to give him a heart attack from the shock.

Fuck him and his annoying ability to turn up out of nowhere and unannounced like this. _Seriously._

"Everything okay?" Kiba walks past him to put his own dishes in the sink. "You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"Haha, truer words have never been spoken." Sasuke has the gall to laugh and announce it to the room, even though Naruto is the only one who can hear him.

"Don't… don't be ridiculous." He shrugs off Kiba's concerned glance with a bit of a forced laugh, trying his best to ignore Sasuke. And miserably failing the task, seeing as how he makes it his mission to get in his line of vision.

"I think you could tell him if you wanted to, you can actually trust him, he's a good guy. And he's worried about you." Sasuke nods in Kiba's direction, who is completely oblivious to the exchange. "Fair warning though, I feel like he's gonna find this so ridiculous he'll keep teasing you about it. I'm talking 'for the rest of your lives' level of teasing, and do you really wanna deal with _that?"_

As if Naruto has even the _slightest_ intention of telling people around him that the _ghost_ of a former… acquaintance is almost always following him around like a shadow. No matter how much he might trust his friends, no matter if at one point he thought Sasuke was a witch – very honestly, he's still not entirely _convinced_ the witch theory can be completely discarded, even if it sounds just a _little bit_ delusional- and was about to yell of his existence at the top of his lungs. Now he's veering into the opposite direction and _no one_ has to know about Sasuke. That is one hassle he _refuses_ to deal with, no thanks.

* * *

After leaving Kiba's house with the promise of meeting up again soon, Naruto… starts running.

Well, no, he is _not_ running, but simply walking at a very fast pace to test a theory. And he takes his sweet time before he finds a building, practically plastering his back against it and somewhat catching his breath.

"You know you can't actually run from me, right?"

And Sasuke appears right in front of him.

"I wasn't _running."_ Naruto corrects him, turning away as a light frown mars his face. He rubs two knuckles against his temple, trying to steer off another impending headache. Well, he had already imagined he couldn't completely turn a blind eye to him, not physically- uh, this is probably not the right term to use with a presumed _ghost-_ but still, he felt like giving it a try.

Behind him Sasuke shrugs, for all the world looking like he has the upper hand here. "Jury's still out on this particular verdict." He pauses long enough to let a couple dozen seconds tick between them. "So this isn't about the meltdown you had two nights ago?"

"That was _not_ a meltdown." Naruto immediately gets on the defensive, even a little offended.

"Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night." And Sasuke, by all accounts, has to keep up with his sarcastic streak. "Oh, I forgot, you don't do much of _that_ these days."

Naruto breathes out, more than a tinge of vexation in his heavy exhale. What does it matter to Sasuke how many hours of shut-eye he gets when he's not even _there_ as he does. A bit of an intrusive notion sneaks its way into his head, then.

Sasuke appears and disappears whenever he pleases, Naruto realizes.

…as if he hasn't always done so since the very beginning.

Sasuke seems to read the way he suddenly closes off at the thought and his next question comes out a little more subdued.

"Are you mad at me?"

Now this is a _good_ one. Oh, Naruto's list is so long it might as well be a catalog, but he is almost curious to hear what the reason may be from his perspective. "And why, do tell, would I be 'mad' at you?"

"…Because I left you alone yesterday."

Truthfully, he couldn't have been more _unready_ to hear this particular reason if he tried. Right away the image of yesterday morning fills up his mind, calling out to Sasuke only to hear ringing silence, his apartment empty. Naruto's facade cracks a bit as he slowly turns to face him.

"I can't really control it, when I…" Sasuke halts. He looks a bit stiff. Quickly, he waves a hand in the air in a way that's supposed to explicate. "I can't… always control it." He ends with, searching his eyes with his own, putting a bit of a dent to Naruto's intrusive theory.

And maybe it's the unhidden note of remorse in his voice, as shocking as his words, that manages to get to him and get under his skin. As if Sasuke knows about the _consuming_ loneliness that eats into him.

"That's what I asked you. I just want to be left alone. Why would that make me mad?" Naruto says in a way that should suggest _exactly_ that, but his voice is coming out a little weaker and it almost sounds like a justification. He's getting mad at himself for such thoughts. "In fact, you know what, it makes me _happy."_

Sasuke takes a small step back, eyes a little wide. "Oh, does it now?" Clearly not believing him one _bit._

"Yes." He presses on and he almost doesn't know if this part is for Sasuke, or for himself. "I don't have a clue about why you're actually here and… the _how._ So the sooner we find out, the sooner you can go back to wherever you came from and I'll be much happier. We'll both be." He exhales, much heavier this time.

Sasuke keeps silent for a moment and Naruto is not sure if he's also feeling this nail of tension biting into the space between them. But a tad more uncomfortable is the way Sasuke keeps his eyes on him, as if dissecting his words, his actions.

Then, out of the blue, he is putting his hands into his pockets and staring at him with that same unthreatening expression he's been wearing since over a week now. "Okay."

Something else he was definitely not ready to hear today. Somehow it almost feels like Sasuke should have… put up a little more of a fight?

"…Okay?" Naruto echoes, a bit dumbfounded.

"Yeah, okay." Sasuke repeats, unwavering. "Let's find out why I'm here, so I can leave and you can be happy then. Right?"

Even though _Naruto_ is the one who said it, _Naruto_ is the one who thought about it, and Naruto is the one who _feels_ it, having Sasuke repeat his words back to him makes it sound… unfair, almost. Like a misdeed he's committing against him. He tries to rack his brain for something to say, something that would erase this… wrongness he seems to be feeling.

"…Is this how it works?" He finally asks, a suggestion of lightness seeping in his tone, though he avoids eye contact now. "You're just going to follow me around?"

The nonplussed raise of shoulders is indication enough of his uncertainty, the doubtful question even more. "I think so?"

And the inevitable frustration rears its head back in. "Can't you just give me something to work with here? Something that explains why you're stalking me?"

"First of all…" Sasuke begins, brooding, hinting at something serious. "….I would have used the word 'haunting.'" Only to shrug with what is becoming his standard grin. "But sure, yours can work too."

At the dramatic way he had to frame that, Naruto almost rolls his eyes.

"What, I'm trying to stay on a theme here."

Yes, because being a… _ghost_ is apparently a theme now, a trend in vogue.

He rubs his face, for the hundredth time today it feels. "Fine, then. Something that explains why you keep… _haunting_ me."

Sasuke levels him with a bit of a funny stare. "I could say the same about _you."_

Naruto can't _believe_ his own ears. " _What._ Do I need to remind you that _you_ are the one who _showed up?_ I never asked for _any_ of this to happen."

"And second," Sasuke continues, completely bypassing the last few seconds of conversation. "I have _already_ given you something to work with, which is _everything I know_ about this situation." He says with a little less drive, evidently sharing his load of frustration on this. "Do I need to remind _you_ that I'm as clueless as you are? Don't tell me you're still suffering from short-term memory loss and just deleted the last week from your head now?"

Naruto puts his mind back to their previous conversations, trying to remember the scraps of information he was given. Which were puzzling at best and not even up to scratch. He suppresses a groan and, given he has a free morning, thinks of a possible way around a solution. And actually comes up with something.

"Fine, _fine._ Let's go find some answers."

Sasuke suddenly seems to be on edge at the turn of events, and Naruto wonders if he's still thinking about their little (mis)adventure at the shack.

"…And where exactly would we do that?"

**.**

**.**

**.**

They would exactly do that in a place Naruto has just a little less than seldomly set foot in. The library.

It's a bit like stepping into another dimension. Confined in a shadowed, broad space taken over by large rows of shelves towering over them as the dust floats lazily by in the air, captured by the light streaming in through the windows. An overall calm reigns undisturbed.

He knows Sakura adores this place, she had spent hours upon hours in here, the way she used to describe the library was always with awe in her voice, as if she couldn't understand why anyone else wouldn't see the same beauty she saw to the place. But right now it's honestly giving Naruto the creeps. He almost prefers the hospital to this and _that_ is saying something.

Sasuke takes in the wooden, half empty structure with a bit of a cynical eye. "Alright, not only is it a bit unoriginal, but I feel like this should have been the obvious place to start with… from the actual _start?"_

"You're only saying that 'cause you like reading." Naruto retorts, sounding a bit bratty to his own ears but choosing to brush it aside.

Sasuke's brows furrow with exasperated disbelief. "Do you even hear yourself?"

"I could say the same to you." He mutters, and tries not to pay him any mind as he trudges his way farther in, among the shelves fanning out, giving space to a central reception area and the front desk.

An old woman is sitting there, one he has no recollection of ever seeing before. She has a bit of a hoary, ghastly appearance, only adding more to it with her wrinkled, gashed face and her lustreless and gray hair, tied in an unkempt knot at the base of her head. But with her beady eyes, the color of coal, she looks to be straight out of a horror-esque sequence in a film. And Naruto had never been a fan of such films.

Now, how did one go about asking on books pertaining to ghosts and such? Especially to an old lady who not only looked like she belonged in the mystical world herself, but like she also ate children for dinner?

A shudder slithers down his spine at this particular train of thought and, just like a scared child seeking for refuge and help, he unconsciously searches for Sasuke.

"Ask about the mythology or fantasy section to start with." Sasuke helpfully provides, although he does sound amused, as if Naruto's sudden indisposition towards the library and everything it contains could be somewhat endearing to him.

He asks precisely that, receiving an answer in the form of a bony, pencil-thin finger pointed in the immediate direction. And with averted eyes and a quick nod of the head, he walks a bit too fast towards the destination.

"Keep quiet." The belated warning comes in the screech of a voice behind him, seemingly booming throughout the spacious library and successfully intimidating him.

"…Right." Naruto answers almost inaudibly, only letting out a breath as soon as he is out of eye and earshot.

The lights get dimmer the farther they walk, the shelves a bit more scarce and only a handful of people are scattered over the library, too deep in their own work to notice him. The rustling of papers and the hushed atmosphere should provide a soothing sensation. But it's all grating on his nerves.

"I don't know about you, but I feel like this is one underrated set for horror movies." Sasuke comments, offhandedly.

"I wasn't creeped out enough already, thanks for the input." Naruto grits out snidely.

Sasuke seems to be fighting off the impulse to laugh. "You really don't like this place."

"…I told you already, it's giving me the creeps." His eyes move through the room distrustfully, camouflaging his sudden circumspection by taking a sip of water, at least he has his canteen with himself.

Despite the quirk of his lips, Sasuke's expression turns into something more considerate. "You're just a bit strung out."

Understatement of the year as far as Naruto is concerned.

After the thorough inspection, he ends up picking a spot, hopefully secluded enough so as to avoid disturbances. He would rather talk to Sasuke than have that happen, and isn't it just _crazy?_ Seeing as finding a spot has been taken care of, now it's the time to find what he came here for, and he goes to do just that. Carefully eyeing the spines of the books, reading the titles, taking those he thinks might be worth a shot.

He is crouching down, reading over the first page of one of the books that sounded appealing enough by the premise, and almost startles when he, once again, remembers he isn't on his own here.

"I'll admit it, I know places that are far _less_ romantic than this, so I guess it's an upgrade from the last few we've been in?"

Naruto almost chokes on his own spit at hearing the word 'romantic' come from the boy who is also currently crouching beside him, and he turns his now distressed eyes on him "…should that word even be in your vocabulary?"

There's that mischievous glint in Sasuke's eyes. "Don't sell me short on that, I've been known to have a mushy side too."

Naruto deadpans. "Sure. And one half a smile a year is hard proof of that."

"…People are often hiding behind masks." Sasuke pauses only for a second, his smirk laced with a bit of an edge. "But you don't need me to tell you that."

Naruto's eyes snap to him, fingers clenching over the hard cover of the book, making it snap closed.

He falters.

Then he's cutting off their eye contact with a sharp turn of the head, browsing through the displayed books, fighting down the tension. He feels Sasuke's eyes on him, but neither of them adds anything else, not for the moment.

It doesn't take too long for Naruto to reach the table with the 'loot' and finally take a seat, and Sasuke sits opposite him. He is reluctant to admit to himself that while everything else here seems to have an unsettling effect on him, his presence is the only thing that… almost doesn't.

And seeing him so _relaxed_ is… well, it's certainly _different._ Particularly when it doesn't seem like he's plotting world domination or anything of the sort, seeing as there is not a hint of malice creasing his face or exuding from him, and he looks so… _comfortable._ As if Sasuke is simply enjoying spending time with him.

His stomach churns a bit at the thought, but it's not in an entirely unpleasant way and maybe that is what's so baffling about it.

With a wary raise of the head, his eyes discreetly settle on him. Sasuke notices, and smiles.

There is a warmth to this dim darkness the room is bound in, and even so splotches of daylight manage to trickle in from the large floor to ceiling window to their left, catching his smile, small and uninhibited and enough to light up his face and… natural. As if Sasuke has spent years upon years just smiling, just chilling with friends and carrying on untroubled by life's adversities.

Sasuke looks so… normal.

This is the guy who literally hates him, who has cursed his name and what he stands for multiple times, who has tried to end his life on more than one occasion.

And he looks _normal._

"…You know this isn't supposed to be happening, right?" Naruto utters in a hush, finally speaking the incessantly persistent thought out _loud,_ a thought he has hashed and rehashed in his brain and has probably already given voice to, and still it sounds too _loud_ in the silence encircling all around them, but it's not enough to disrupt this stopgap peace.

Sasuke hums, keeps looking at him, unbothered. "Guess not."

He sounds so passive in front of such an ordeal, and it's just so plainly ridiculous that Naruto can only accept the situation at hand just as passively.

This feels like a movie of sorts, like one of those scenes you don't pay much attention to in the grand scheme of things, but that stick like glue in the back of your mind once the movie comes to an end.

And it would be just like this, stuck in a movie: lost in the deepest corners of an immense library, far from anyone else, sitting in comfortably unbroken silence, when the slow strum of guitar would play in, the melody backed by a soft voice to mellow out the scene. A scene he never saw coming, but that he couldn't do much more than live inside at the moment. And throughout it Sasuke keeps smiling at him, and Naruto pretends to be more focused on the endless pages of the sprawled books in front of him.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The section on folklore he _really_ likes, can't help but find it fascinating, how the younger learn from their elders. Customs and traditions and rituals and songs and tales, preserved and taught and performed and sung and told. Carried from one generation to the next so they will _never_ get _lost._ There is something so… incredibly _peaceful_ about it.

Perhaps the comfort he finds is in the timelessness, the safekeeping of it all. A precious moment locked safely in a memory, a photograph frozen in time, a written word filling the blankness of a page, erasing the risk of suffering its loss.

And the more he reads on the more it puts him at ease. Although there is a sweet melancholy wrapping itself all around it, making his throat feel thick, and the faintness of a smile appearing across his lips.

"Found something you like?" Sasuke questions, his voice pitched low in a gentle sort of way, cheek pressed to his palm, partly hiding the curve of his mouth.

The minuscule smile Naruto was unconsciously sporting fades, his guard back at full tilt. "…It's interesting."

"I'm not going to make fun of you just because you found a book you actually like, you know." Sasuke offers, as if reading his mind, still wearing that same expression.

And Naruto inevitably wavers again at his lax demeanor. And with nothing better to give back and not really knowing how else to reply, he adds a barely audible, "Whatever." Though not quite as tense as a moment ago.

Sasuke's smile grows a tad wider and he whispers something under his breath Naruto doesn't quite catch, but has no inclination in finding out what it is. And it feels like something Sasuke meant just for his own ears anyway.

**.**

**.**

**.**

A sharp whistle captures his attention and he looks to the side, finding nothing. Only to crane his neck up and find out Sasuke is perched on top of the tall shelf in front of him, one leg tucked in and the other dangling idly. The sight reminds him very much of the visit in the therapist's office, and, just to be _that_ tidbit more annoying, Sasuke whistles again, almost piercing his ears, and touching an index to his wrist, signalling the passing of time.

"Shut _up._ I'm trying to focus over here." Naruto raises his voice a little too loudly in reproof.

And a harsh _"shhh!"_ soon follows from around the corner.

"Why don't you tell _him_ to shut up too…" Naruto grumbles to himself, this time keeping his voice in check in case the librarian decides to personally come and see what the ruckus is about- he'd rather avoid _that._

He goes back in, almost grazes the pages with the tip of his nose with the way he's leaning in, because maybe if he reads this close he'll find a solution sooner, although he is well aware this is mostly wishful thinking. He pauses only to take a sip of water.

"It might be in vain, but the effort you're putting into this is adorable."

It just takes that last word unexpectedly coming out of Sasuke's mouth, and water is suddenly going down the wrong pipe, and Naruto is soon raising to his feet and beating on his chest, choking. Another sense of déjà vu sweeps its way in. Who knows, maybe Sasuke is actually attempting at his life by surprise-choking him to death?

_"Shhhh!"_

Still coughing out, this time he hasn't much reserve for a response. "Oh, I'm sorry, next time I'll try to choke _quietly!"_

But the admonishment that follows is drowned out by the bout of laughter coming from above him, and Naruto really wishes the librarian would yowl at him to shut up too, if only for the way Sasuke's laughter seems to echo in his ears.

"Stop messing with me." He hisses.

Sasuke feigns surprise. "But I'm just complimenting you?"

Naruto clicks his tongue, face scrunching up. "Yeah, _right._ Why don't you just shut up and stop making fun of me every chance you get."

The fake surprise is quick to smooth out. "Why do you keep asking impossible things from me?"

Naruto doesn't refrain himself from an eyeroll now, cursing him a little inside his own mind.

"Don't you think you're just wasting time this way?" Sasuke casually brings up again. "I'm also inclined to believe you keep having the wrong idea here, no matter how many times I tell you I don't want to mess things up for you even more." He lifts his head then, staring at the ceiling in apparent boredom, but glances at him from the corner of his eye. "If anything I'd like to help."

 _There_ it is again.

There is a sea of words between them that he could just pluck from and choose to say, but what he settles with stands in the seams of a lie and a truth.

"For the record, I was doing _just_ _fine_ without you." He grits out with narrowed eyes, but lacking a bit of bite to his words.

The corner of his mouth twitches into his cheek and Sasuke seems to be reading him like one of the books Naruto is losing his mind over.

"I'm _sure_ you were."

Insufferable.

Sasuke is _insufferable._

It's the absolute _perfect,_ most fitting description for him. 

Naruto fixes him with a menacing scowl- that of course has _no_ effect whatsoever on him- and for the umpteenth time tries to disregard his presence, picking up a book at random and concentrating on its content.

Only to groan- as _quietly_ as he possibly can- into his palms not even a minute later. His eyes are pulsing, the letters are dancing behind his closed eyelids, mocking his efforts. Can a head spontaneously combust from too much forced reading? Because it feels like his just might.

"Ah, Naruto, Naruto." The tone Sasuke is using sounds just _a smidge_ condescending, his little smirk is certainly looking to be. "Is this really the 'solution' you should be working on right now." While his question doesn't even sound like a question.

"Instead of wasting time up there, why don't you try to help a little? Since, you know, this is about _you_ and all." Naruto snaps, pretty fed up already.

"Oh, are we doing a recap today? Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, I very _clearly_ remember telling you this already, you won't find the answers you're looking for in there." Sasuke says pointedly, then leans back on his hands with a little and heavy exhale, just for show. "Also, I don't feel like losing my mind reading a hundred books. What can I say, I'm pretty lazy."

Sasuke calling himself _lazy_ is something out of this world. Something for the books, really- no pun intended- especially since he has always known him to be anything _but._ And it's shocking enough that he has nothing more to answer with. Slowly, he shakes his head to himself, incredulous, wondering just what on earth is going on also for the umpteenth time. And he goes back to reading.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Needless to say, his thorough search doesn't yield much of a result.

"There's _nothing_ about ghosts." Incredibly enough, in the place that's supposed to have all the answers, he couldn't find anything except for bits and pieces which, again, were puzzling at best and not even up to scratch. "What the _hell."_ He mutters to himself as he leans back on his chair, making its legs screech unpleasantly against the floor.

"You can't really blame them for it though, most of the books went destroyed." Sasuke butts in, in the middle of his astonishment, deciding to be the voice of reason for a second.

"That's right…" Naruto allows begrudgingly, burrowing his face in his hands just for the sheer comfort of hiding for an instant. Konoha always possessed its fair share of an extensive collection for a library, but what stands of it now is not even half of it, and some of these books probably come from nearby villages too. Which means he'd have to go look somewhere else for answers now and, to be completely honest, this issue is starting to become one ill-humored question he doesn't even want to find the answer to.

"Oh, hey, old acquaintance coming right in at six o'clock." Sasuke announces, pointing somewhere behind him.

For one long and appalling second he fears he will find the witch- er, old woman looming behind him with a sinister sneer and a spooky wand in hand, ready to cut him to pieces and eat him up. But that thankfully doesn't seem to be the case at all.

"…Oh, Naruto." Shikamaru blinks once, eyes widening the slightest bit from their usual half-lidded and seemingly perpetual boredom. "I definitely wasn't expecting to find _you_ here of all people."

"Yeah, yeah, 'cause you've never seen me with a book in hand, ha-ha." He forces out a little derisive laugh to go along with his muttering, but this is mostly frustration for all his wasted efforts. "And why are you here?"

"Intel, nothing major though. I needed a few transcriptions but the library is still out." Shikamaru drawls, indolent, waving a written scrap of paper held between his fingers. "I guess I'll have to ask somewhere else."

Naruto's only feedback is a disinterested hum as he flips through the pages of a thick book, seriously taking in consideration the possibility of calling it a day right then and there as he feels a wave of exhaustion rushing through him all of a sudden.

While Sasuke, now sitting sideways on the chair next to his, with his forearm resting over the back of it, is still focused on the newcomer. "I've almost missed hearing his catchphrase."

Naruto's eyebrows meet in the middle of his forehead, almost startled by the randomness of the sentence. "What catchphrase?" He whispers under his breath, no clue whatsoever.

Shikamaru lets out a drawn out sigh as he scratches the back of his head, having a look around. "How troublesome."

"Oh, this one." Naruto says a little louder.

Loud enough for his friend to hear him too, apparently.

"Did you say something?"

Noticing his slip, he quickly shakes his head in dismissal. "Ah, no, nothing."

But Sasuke is apparently in the mood to keep providing out-of-the-blue and random commentary. "He's kind of an asshole."

Naruto really can't help it this time around when he fully turns towards him, on the verge of gaping.

"Hold your horses there, pal. I don't mean to offend any of your _precious friends."_

Yes, he definitely sounds _condescending_ now, the click of tongue, that spark of arrogance Naruto _does_ remember so well taking over his face and stretching over his lips- not as heavily as it did back then however.

"But now don't act like not one single soul has never noticed this delightful trait of his."

Naruto is quick to jump to his friend's defense. "He's not-"

"Not an asshole in the cruel, strict meaning of the term." Sasuke interrupts, as if doing him a favor by making this concession. "He just doesn't always measure up the weight of his words." Then something shifts cautiously across his face. "After all you never know who might end up hurt by what you say."

Naruto's expression shifts too, although to something far less amused and more than just a hint darker. "Aren't you the expert on that field…"

Sasuke is about to answer him, but is cut off by Shikamaru standing in their line of vision.

"You're acting strange." The way he is putting it out, tone clipped and vaguely befuddled, is somewhat blunter than any of his friends have been up until now. "Well, more than usual."

"I…" Naruto's eyes wander to Sasuke, then back to Shikamaru. "I don't act _strange."_ And while Sasuke sounded condescending, he sounds just a _little_ childish - complementary halves?- but chooses to overrule this too.

The slight, pointed raise of brow from Shikamaru is enough of a reply on its own, but instead of arguing about it some more, Naruto is suddenly struck by the realization that- oh, time is an _actual thing_ that ticks by no matter what little zone you huddle yourself up in.

"Wait, what time is it anyway?"

"Don't tell me you missed lunch?"

Naruto can't hold back a grimace, pressing a palm to his forehead. "Shit, I have to go." He moves with the speed of a tornado as he shoves the books back in their respective location- not succeeding all that greatly at the task. "See ya!" He finally calls out over his shoulder as he all but runs out of the place that's given him the creeps since he first stepped in, not without missing the last _"Shhhh!"_ thrown his way.

Shikamaru replies with a half-hearted wave of his own, arm dropping back by his side soon after. And his eyes narrow with slight confusion at Naruto's retreating back.

* * *

He'd decided that since he had time he would pay Kakashi a visit, maybe even meet up with Sakura since she had a shift here in the morning, while trying his hardest to keep under wraps the disdain he has for the place. Which brought him to now, currently going across a new wing of the hospital, this one still under construction, trying to find a 'secret vending machine' – first of all who even _thinks_ of putting a vending machine somewhere like this?- because it has 'those high protein energy bars that you can't find anywhere else right now', like Kakashi had put it. And really, who is Naruto to refuse a favor to an injured patient – an injured patient who is almost well enough to leave and who keeps getting on the staff's nerves a little more each passing day.

Following his teacher's instructions and making sure that no one saw him- which was pretty easy considering no one else except a few workers even step foot in here- he managed to buy the bar for his teacher, hiding it in his pocket. He also bought a juice box for himself- peach flavored because he likes peaches, they're sweet and his second favorite fruit. What can he say, quests for the unknown are supposedly the reason for a parched throat.

And, weirdly, he is also locked in a conversation with Sasuke, where Sasuke is actually doing most of the conversing and Naruto is doing most of the listening. Again, passive acceptance of the events and all.

"Listen, all I'm saying is grapes are great. They are. But grape juice? Yeah, that _sucks._ And that's the real deal."

Naruto watches him from the corner of his eye as he's finishing his drink. "…I didn't even know you drank anything with sugar in it."

"Sugar is _sugar."_ Sasuke says, like that somehow explains everything good in the world. "Literally everyone likes it. And if they say they don't then you know that's one big, _thin,_ sugar-coated lie."

Naruto presses his lips together, tilting his head a bit to the side to hide the hint of a smile. He is honestly… _not used_ to this. He doesn't think he will ever get used to it either, because Sasuke even _sounds_ a little too _normal-_ which is _crazy-_ if weirdly passionate about sugar?

And the boy catches his eye, raising one eyebrow in question. "What?"

Naruto, having finished his juice box, lifts his arm up to throw out the plastic little thing in the first bin he finds along the long hallway- aaand it's a successful dunk. "You are… talking." He says slowly, well aware of how that sounds so he elaborates a little further. "I mean, more than you usually do. A _lot_ more than usual." Not that he wasn't aware of this… bizarre fact already, but today it's somehow even more noticeable.

Sasuke sports a bit of his playful grin. "You don't do much talking these days so I just thought I should be the one to play the role, you know, switch things up for a change and all that."

Naruto has nothing to put over his mouth this time as it, sort of, almost, quirks up at the sides. "I'm starting to think you're on a sugar rush."

"And you're on a sugar low." Sasuke points right back.

Naruto almost gives back another eyeroll. "Besides-" He continues. "-it's not like I can do much talking when you're... like _this."_ He gestures with a vague wave of his hand, thinking about Shikamaru's slightly weirded out face just a little while ago. "People would think I'm crazy." And maybe that wouldn't even be too far off the mark.

Sasuke stops and stares at him, genuinely surprised. "And since when do you care what people think?"

"I don't care." He states without hesitation, firmly believing in the words. Then his resolve sours a bit. "...But I'd rather avoid a gossip mill." It's at the bottom of the list of what he needs now, really.

"'Gossip mill'. Sounds like high school on a larger scale, _eesh."_

And Naruto has to fight off another almost-smile at Sasuke's blatant distaste, like he's fed up with the concept of people making assumptions without knowing the whole context of the story.

…But then again, isn't Naruto doing just that? Making assumptions about Sasuke because he doesn't know even half of this story, of this level of mystery that keeps surrounding him, that only keeps complicating matters even more. And still… here they are now, walking by his side like he would with any other friend.

Lifting his head again and snapping out of his thoughts, he notices his eyes on him. "What?" He's the one to ask this time.

"Nothing." Sasuke shrugs, grin softening at the edges. "You just don't look as tense as before."

His expression and tone of voice remind him a bit of yesterday morning. Naruto's next words are as wary as they are curious. "Do I have a reason to be?"

"No." Sasuke is quick to rush out, and while there is still that teasing hint in his voice, there is something else beneath, too. That much quieter he adds, "…I don't like when you are."

Naruto blinks in surprise, opens his mouth… but there is nothing he can actually think to say to that.

A few steps of silence draw out in between them as they keep walking in the blankness of this place, Naruto's head is full but sort of emptied out too, and the uneasiness is, bit by bit, step by step, being replaced by something else.

They are just walking past one of the numerous doors to the side, when he stops right in his tracks. He feels it, the chakra manifests itself like a warm, soothing aura, he can almost touch it. And Naruto dithers for a moment, recognizing it. This is her chakra.

There is an abrupt stillness on the other end before a soft voice, one he knows all too well, carries in.

"…Naruto-kun, is that you?"

His breath leaves in a rush and without thinking he is taking a step towards the door.

"…Hinata." And he is so, _so_ _glad_ to hear her, hear her voice for the first time since… the attack. He places his palm over the cold wood, as if he could reach over this way. Specks of the battle flash before his eyes and freeze the blood from within his veins, his stomach plummets with the sick feeling taking over him. "Hinata." He repeats, as if wanting to make sure she really is _here_ , with him. His throat is too dry, but still he keeps pushing the words out. "Are you… are you okay?"

"I'm okay." Hinata's voice is faint and feeble from the other side, but it's also the most confident she has ever sounded to his ears, reassuring.

And, somehow, he knows on the other side Hinata is in a milder version of his same state, she has her hand splayed just like this, and if there was nothing separating them they would be touching now, they would be looking in each other's eyes, this strong surge of protectiveness he has over her would make him wrap his arms around her and make sure she is _real…_ but Naruto is too big of a coward to face her now, he can admit this much at least.

"Naruto-kun… are you okay?"

He swallows down a soundless gasp and almost draws away. He wasn't expecting her to ask back… this question seems so vital at the moment.

"I…"

He can feel himself crumbling a little at her earnest tone, at the gentleness that seeps in, that always seems to be a constant with her, and that maybe he now needs more than anything else. His forehead meets the coolness of the solid wood with a low thump and he feels immobilized in place, unable to take a step in or a step out of this. He _doesn't_ want to lie to her, he doesn't. But he doesn't want to worry her either, Hinata doesn't deserve to waste her good heart and energies on him, not after the hell she went through because of him.

"…I'm okay." He repeats her same words but with a different inflection, completely changing their meaning, without meaning to, and still trying to hold to the _meaning_ of these words, to even a shred of truth he can find on the inside.

(But that's the problem.)

"Wouldn't it be better if you talked to her face to face?" Sasuke steps into their lull in conversation, if it could even be considered as such, with irrefutable kindness to his tone and a transparent level of understanding in his eyes, as if he doesn't want this to weigh on him any more than it already does. "Or is it still too hard for you?"

Naruto slowly lifts his gaze, head tilting to the side, and for once is unable to stop the utter despair from showing in his face. His hand unconsciously tightens in place, nails catching on the fragile wood and sinking in, and the sympathy he is shown back makes it worse.

A voice in the distance calling to her, her unwillingness to break off this breakable connection held between them, his reluctance to let her go without a word, then finally comes the slide of her hand against the door, he himself taking a step back, this weight pulling down on him, on both of them… the wistful resonance of her footsteps as she leaves.

No. Naruto is too much of a coward to face her now.

* * *

A sudden burst of light, blinding, has him shut his eyes, only to open again to the smoky silhouette of his shadow extending across the floor.

How did he get here? Staring straight through vacancy without even seeing it, through a gap, more than one. Gaps that surely need filling. But days are stretching and thinning, somewhere along the line morphing from midday to midnight, these days are so endless and so frighteningly temporary.

He lifts his head again and fragments of silver enter his vision, an image in front of him, the ill-defined screening of a person. A mirror, he is standing in front of the mirror now.

Red rimmed bloodshot eyes stare right back at him. He is gripping the sink so hard his nails are leaving indentations of half moons, ruining the immaculate porcelain.

How did he even get here? It's already dark out, feels like a whole other world out of the window. He remembers the hospital at last, maybe he fell asleep after. It's foggy in his mind, the closer he looks, the harder it becomes to find an answer.

When he looks up again Sasuke's figure stands behind him and he stares at his reflection now. His shirt is sticking uncomfortably to his skin, beads of cold, _cold_ sweat have gathered by his temples, at his nape, down his spine.

He can barely breathe.

Where is he? How did he end up here? What is going on around him, and inside of him?

His thoughts race, vanishing like air, all meshing, and breaking apart like shattered glass, cutting him, leaving open wounds behind.

He can't feel his limbs, but his hands are aching, like somebody is holding him down, crushing him- and a sliver of red hot anger makes it past the barricade, but then it's numbness again and the world is floating away, so far away from his fingertips. It hurts, but not in the way it's supposed to, not in an exact measure, this is a phantom pain, something is missing from him.

The line between fantasy and reality is getting blurry again

"Some things you just… can't speak about."

It takes him too long to realize the voice doesn't belong to him, and he tries to focus so hard on who it might be. Before his focus falls on Sasuke.

This muffled stillness has him by the neck, has his glass pieces concealed, but an edge keeps slicing through the haze.

_"The truth hurts."_

Are those his words? Do they belong to him? Did he say them out loud? They keep ringing inside his eardrums without pause, unrelenting, over and over, because the truth is like blood underneath your fingernails.

"But secrets kill."

Sasuke's voice cuts through his thoughts in a bloodied line.

His presence is almost suffocating despite him being on the other end of the room, and his irises are piercing, and inscrutable.

He slowly tilts his head to the side, the reflection of his eyes searching Naruto's. "Did I get that right?"

The devil's right there in the details. And you don't want to hurt yourself by looking too closely.

A nerve-wracking calm starts settling over his glass, cracked world, and it is the unnerving calm before the storm, one that would generally precede one disaster of a trainwreck waiting to happen. A storm that's only days in the making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Looking Too Closely by Fink ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfxf0iq9zuQ), lines from this sad, absolutely beautiful song: _The truth is like blood underneath your fingernails. The devil's right there in the details. And you don't want to hurt yourself by looking too closely._
> 
> I'm dealing with, well, something I have no clue how to deal with and I can't talk about it out loud because the words just won't come out, that's why I decided to _write_ it into words instead. I had to try, at least, I had to. Just steadily building up into it, pace myself so I don't immediately get overwhelmed, and maybe one day, years from now, if I read this story again this emptiness and numbness will start making sense to me. Even so writing this is actually helping, as much as it can help, and reading and re-reading your comments, knowing there are people out there who are _wasting their time_ to read something _I'm writing_ is just so mind-blowing to me I can't even put it into words.
> 
> Just… **_thank you._** From the bottom of my heart.


	14. 'Stonelike' Detachment (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is something wrong, Naruto?"
> 
> "…no."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say that some of the next chapters are going to be week-ish (maybe come even before a whole week has gone by) because I sort of have a few things to write and I sort of know how I want to write them... so, sorry in advance that you'll see this story pop up so often?

Today starts with a not-so-solitary walk through the village.

Well, no, it actually starts with an unceremonious awakening in the middle of his bathroom floor with no recollection of where he is or why he is where he is for the first thirty seconds. Then it goes through to a freezing shower that manages to freeze the very scorching, filmy thoughts in the back of his brain too. And through, to the slow, lethargic process of stepping out of the shower, getting dressed, and the peculiar feeling of thinking something is missing but not knowing what it is, its vacancy leaving a catatonic daze in the wake for him to submerge himself under, lost. Then on to taking a superficial grip of himself with the _un_ established, routinely appearance of his _ghost acquaintance._ But this is where Naruto currently is now, walking along the more or less busy street of Konoha.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sneaks a look at his former teammate, walking alongside him in surprisingly quiet fashion- surprising given his recent disposition to keenly provide unwelcome commentary, that is.

"What." Naruto breaks the _almost_ habitual, _almost_ obstinate hush. "Not in a talkative mood today?"

"Just so we're clear on this, I'm _always_ in the mood to chat it up." Sasuke answers naturally, as if this isn't one of the most inane sentences he has strung together yet, the side of his cheek caving in with a bit of a wry smirk. While Naruto broke the silence, he's the first to break eye contact. "But today you look way too spaced out for some harmless back and forth. Just thought I'd avoid adding insult to injury."

Now, they both know that's not true.

Naruto doesn't divert his gaze, lingering on the almost atypical behavior. And even if he grasps nothing, there is something off-centre (there is _always_ something _off-centre_ about _everything)_ about Sasuke today. And the switch is… not exactly mean, but not exactly neutral either.

To lift him out of his thoughts, the cheerful, shrill voices of happy children sound close by. Not too far off, a bunch of kids are sitting in a curled, crooked semi circle, eating their lunches together.

One kid is a little ways away from the group, sitting by himself on the sandy ground, every now and then throwing glances at the others.

A lone pang strikes him at the sight, has his shoulders fall on the rasp of a breath.

He looks down at his own untouched, packed lunch. Sakura has made a habit out of bringing him meals during their missions. And he has made a habit out of bringing the boxed breakfasts/lunches/dinners with him wherever he goes, if only for the comfort the thoughtfulness of the gesture brings. He has his mind already made up as he makes a detour from his aimless wandering.

"Hey." Naruto calls out when he is a few feet away, so as not to startle him, unboxing the lunch.

The kid turns wide-eyed to him, slightly wary but not frightened.

"Are you hungry?" He simply asks, crouching down to be eye level and offering his bento and the still paper clad chopsticks. "Here."

"…Um." The kid pauses, beaming surprise shining on his face as he takes in the inviting food shown to him (because Sakura actually _buys_ most of these), and still too polite to just snatch the free offer out of his hands.

"…Can I?"

"Of course." Naruto pretends to think it over as he looks the other way. "…To be honest I was just going to throw this away, so if you don't feel like eating it then-"

"No no!" The little kid exclaims as he finally takes hold of the bento, looking up at him with almost sparkling eyes. "Thanks Onii-chan!"

Naruto gives back a little smile, it doesn't feel forced for once. "No thanks needed."

He gets to his feet again, watching as the kid scurries off to join the others, finally sitting down and eating with them, and he waves back when the little boy waves at him. It was such a small act it can't even be called a sacrifice, and it makes him feel lighter in ways nothing has in days.

He walks away, unconsciously walking towards Sasuke who had stood aside.

"You did something nice."

Naruto blinks, almost stunned, posture tensing in an almost careful manner. "S'not like I was going to eat it anyway, it would've gone to waste."

"Still, instead of or throwing it away you gave it to a kid who was hungry. That was nice of you." Sasuke reiterates, catching his eye.

More than a few unfortunate occasions had gone by in which his food had gone bad and he had to eventually throw it out, so this is the obvious route to go with, give his food away whenever he can. It's also just more convenient this way since he has never liked waste.

But the instance now reminds him of what Sasuke had said a few days back, more specifically what he had said about him being selfless. It doesn't sit right. "...I'm not as nice as you think I am." He is pushing the words out before he can even think them through.

"Mmh, I'm gonna have to disagree there." Sasuke hums nonchalantly. "Utterly and completely _disagree."_

Naruto pauses. Then huffs inaudibly, directly look at him. "You're annoying, you know that?"

Sasuke tips his head forward, his slow grin more laid back this time around. "I'm a lot of things."

Well, yes, Naruto can't certainly disagree with _that._

Without even realizing, his purposeless trek had accidentally taken him down a familiar corner street, one he didn't particularly feel like crossing today. The Ichiraku ramen's new stand is almost glaring at him from the other side, at least it's what it feels like to him. But before he can even think about turning on his heels, a well known voice is already stopping him in his tracks.

"Ah, Naruto!"

The unexpected encounter should have him frozen, but Naruto is stuck in place, looking at the backlit, approaching figure he's seeing for the first time in a long while.

"Oh… Iruka-sensei."

* * *

Of course the first thing Iruka does is offer to buy him lunch, and of course he is not about to accept a no for an answer. Begrudgingly Naruto agrees, but does his best to make the opposite show.

He hasn't taken a step yet and restlessness is already setting in.

Ducking past the now blue cloth at the front of the shop, his sense of smell is instantly hit with the multitude of delicious and different aromas wafting in the air. This is the first time he puts foot inside the new establishment, and although changed, the atmosphere remains the same, still hanging warmly in the air.

Not too many people have stopped by for a meal, but the patrons still leave him feeling somewhat uneasy.

Naruto follows the older man inside, avoiding eye contact and keeping his eyes down until they take a seat on two wine red stools by the middle. Naruto is listening to Iruka talking, when a new voice joins in.

"Naruto-kun, finally!" Ayame greets as soon as she sees him, moving towards them from behind the counter.

"And here I was starting to think you found a new favorite ramen shop."

Naruto can't help a bit of a smile at that, still strained however. "Of course not, you know this is the only ramen place for me." And it is the undeniable truth.

The three of them catch up a bit, he finds out the old man Teuchi is not here today, then Ayame tells them how they've hired two new helpers, Iruka brings up the academy, and after that Naruto goes sort of dizzy for a bit there.

"What can I bring you today?"

The abrupt and loud question breaches past the fogginess and has him cracking out of his addled frame of mind, suddenly aware of a few heads turning in their direction. Even if fleeting, the attention is like sharp pins perforating every inch of his body, the weight of it making him want to crawl out of his now punctured skin. But he can't do anything about the unwanted attention, and therefore chooses to focus his own attention elsewhere, looking for a distraction, and so, for once he actually peruses the menu. He doesn't want to take his usual, feeling a somewhat zany sort of attachment to it and, forgoing his regular, he ends up ordering a simple Shoyu Ramen instead.

"Just one bowl is fine." He adds faintly, for whatever reason already feeling his stomach tying itself in knots at the idea of eating anything today.

Beside him Iruka deflates a little at his blatant lack of enthusiasm.

With Ayame tending to their orders, the buzz and chatter surrounding them becomes a little more jarring than white noise.

"I haven't seen you around for quite some time now." Iruka tells him, light-hearted but measuring his words. "I know you've been very busy."

"Yeah." His head drops somewhat sheepishly in acquiescence. "You've been busy too, Iruka-sensei. I've heard how much you're helping around."

"That's true, but I'm just lending a hand while everyone is working hard." Iruka acknowledges with a short and gentle laugh. He can never just take a pat on the back without putting others first and nulling his own hard efforts, and at times not even without a note of self-deprecation behind. Traits Naruto has, without a doubt, taken after him.

He wants to smile back, but doesn't have the heart to right now.

"On the house." Ayame is politely interrupting briefly after, placing the steaming bowls in front of them with a bright smile. "Enjoy."

Iruka is already thanking her profusely while Naruto bows his head a little in gratitude with a mumbled " _thanks"._

Frankly, he doesn't even remember when was the last time he had a nice bowl of ramen. The aroma is as appetizing as ever despite this being a new one he's trying, just the sight of it is comfortingly familiar.

And it's making him _sick._

"Oh, what's this, a one-eighty now?" Sasuke, until now sat silently on the empty stool beside his, speaks up sardonic and despondent all at once. "You look a minute away from throwing your guts up."

His eyes shut tight and he tries to push down on the queasiness building up. When he opens them again he turns his bleary focus to his meal, doesn't even spare a glance his way. He forces himself to eat, just like Iruka is doing.

There is not much to talk about when both parties are busy eating, but when they do talk the dialogue is a cautious dance around the subjects.

Naruto can't help this helplessness. His teacher. The one who had always looked out for him, the one who had protected him when he didn't know how to protect himself yet. The one who was willing to bleed out for a promise made to him just to keep it, his Hitai-ate the unalloyed proof of it. The one who had believed in him when no one else would. The one he had come to consider first as a father, then an older brother.

And even so, Naruto has never felt more disconnected from him than he feels at the moment.

The factuality of it isn't lost on Sasuke either, it seems.

"You're going to talk about the weather next? Or is this another round of basking yourselves in even more silence?"

Naruto's fingers twitch on the chopsticks, frustration wiring beneath his skin at the scornful comments, but in the end they're not even worth being mad over. Maybe he's just too numb for this.

He goes through lunch in a pushing through the motions sort of deal. And still, just like yesterday at the library, he feels a sudden wave of exhaustion wash over him, and he can't get rid of the overwrought sensation slowly taking over.

He doesn't want to be here. He just wants to leave, hole himself up in the empty four walls waiting for him.

It takes a second and an hour, it seems, when they're about to part ways again, it feels like it happened in the hazy blink of an eye.

"I'll see you around." Iruka says warmly, if a little solicitous. "Take care of yourself, Naruto."

Naruto nods, his messy fringe covering his eyes. "Yeah, see you around Iruka-sensei. Thanks again for the meal."

His voice doesn't even sound like it belongs to him, so indistinctly subdued and raspy. Splotches of heat have his vision blurring, his fingertips are sizzling. He shoves his hands down his pockets and quickly starts down the road, as if making a retreat.

"Any particular reason why you couldn't even look him in the eyes?" Sasuke keeps up, undeterred.

Trepidation flares in spikes and thrums muted, drowning underneath the numb, shielding sheen around him. He keeps his head down.

"You once told me he was the one who always-"

"Shut up." Naruto says brusquely, but not as loud as he would have liked. He can't take this now, he doesn't want to hear any more daunting on it, the harrowing detachment is already shocking enough on its own. And he especially doesn't want to hear more on the subject coming from _him._

Sasuke gives him the silence he is pressing for, but only for a short time. "Where are you going?"

His steps hasten, as if the inquiry is a reminder. "Back to my apartment." He whispers curtly.

 _'Home.'_ His mind grants for him. ' _You're going home. Why can't you say the word out loud?'_

For the whole time he keeps his eyes locked on the ground, watching step after step that he takes, and still he doesn't- can't- see anything, anything at all except for his growing disquiet.

Hands stiff and calves aflame in a distant, unreal sort of way, he manages to close the door behind him, and out of their own volition his feet are dragging him to his bathroom.

He just needs a minute. Just one minute. He'll do everything right after, he'll be so good after, he _promises._ He just needs a minute to himself.

Holding himself up with one palm, he slowly sinks against the wall. The cold tiles are harsh, but his skin is turning colder, clammy with sweat, with alarm.

A pitter patter of thoughts crowds his mind, like droplets dripping from a broken faucet, and the echo they leave behind is frazzling, it has him wishing he was holding on to something even if he has already fallen to the floor.

He curls up, with elbows digging painfully on his knee tops and fingers gripping at his hair. He swears he can feel his veins pulsing, his blood pumping. He can feel the thumping of his heart as it thunders inside his chest.

"You're shaking." Sasuke remarks patiently, it comes as an observation.

"Shut up." Naruto utters again, so low it's a stifled whisper now.

He only sees glimpses of the boy standing in front of him, he can't feel his presence, can't even feel the incessant pounding between his eyes, behind his eyelids.

"Is something wrong, Naruto?" Sasuke asks, with purpose in his voice, in his words.

Naruto's grip tightens painfully on his scalp. His chest hurts, his throat is closing up around a gasp, his windpipe is getting crushed.

"…no." He breathes the word without air, raw.

The shaking doesn't stop.

His whole world, what's left of it, _trembles._ He wonders when it really started. He wonders if it will ever stop.


	15. 'Stonelike' Detachment (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto was never a liar.
> 
> And yet, he keeps tacking on lie after lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2020 shouldn't even be considered an official year with the streak of tragedies it keeps carrying in. Just putting this out there.

Naruto doesn't go out of his way to eat anymore. Not eating is not a wholly conscious choice, but hunger is not a primary need either. Not anymore, at least, his body has squashed down the pangs of hunger so thoroughly he barely feels them anymore, even his need for water is slowly dwindling since drinking is starting to feel like a drag too. And sometimes he doesn't even bother, just waits until the thirst and nauseating hunger pass on their own.

Which is why ninety-eight percent of his diet lately consists of what Sakura feeds him. Like this evening, when she has once again taken it upon herself to do the grocery shopping for him. Naruto doesn't know if she knows exactly, but he's had his suspicions that she has her own suspicions- and yes, she definitely suspects his intake of food has gone downsloping.

Naruto feels guilty over it, he doesn't want her to waste her hard earned money on him, doesn't deserve it, but every time he even tries to pay her back or outright refuse it's one hell to go through, because when Sakura puts her mind to something, nothing can stop her. And he simultaneously adores and fears her stubbornness (and shares it, too).

Sakura is now standing by the door of his room, surveying the disarrayed state it's in, with hands on her hips and a doting smile on her face. "This room is a mess."

Naruto pouts. Just a bit. "No, it's not." _Yes,_ yes it is.

"It's okay." A light chuckle fills her voice warmly. "It's a mess that can be fixed up."

She starts by collecting the trash on the floor and Naruto sighs, but it's mostly for show as he gets to work too.

Sakura however looks almost alarmed at the effort on his part. "Oh no Naruto, you don't need to-"

"Sakura-chan, we've barely completed a mission today." He states a little curtly, because it's more than just a little absurd to let her keep _his_ space clean, the space _he_ is constantly messing up. People cleaning up other people's messes has never and will never sit well with him… but the particular thought has his mood suddenly darkening. "I'm not tired." He presses a little quieter, but reassuring.

Sakura wilts a bit, not entirely inclined on his words. But the smile is still gracing her face. "Okay."

It's when the floor is almost cleaned spotless and they move towards the furniture next, that an abrupt thought downs on him, strikes him like thunder.

His closet. It's where he hid the scroll. In a half-assed attempt to keep it 'out of sight, out of mind' Naruto had the mind to hide it beneath layers of clothing and gear. If she happens to see it now…

And it's almost in slow motion as he stands there, the way he takes in how she walks up in its immediate vicinity, mindless of its contents and dallying by it.

Naruto stops too, his heart kicks up in his chest with the pressure of the realization, the wreck that would break out on them if she _knew_ about the looming fate awaiting Sasuke.

She opens the closet, hanging one of his clean shirts inside with practiced ease. Not a single line of apprehension creases her face, while it's all Naruto feels.

The pressure grips him in all its rigidity, limbs going numb from the strain of keeping himself locked in place, and for a moment, for a single-handedly stifling, terrible moment, Naruto wishes for her to find out about it.

But against luck of the draw and against his better judgement, she doesn't.

"Dinner?" Sakura is soon asking, completely oblivious to the turmoil set in motion inside of him that is latterly bordering on _unending._

Naruto breathes out in barely concealed exertion, a bead of sweat dragging chilling goosebumps down his nape.

"Dinner." He agrees after a slow beat.

He doesn't know if he should feel relieved or disappointed. But he feels neither, except for a whit of consternation creeping in, sinking in edges into him.

While stepping into the kitchen he absent-mindedly wonders how he'll be able to stomach another meal when it's only been seven hours since his last. The sight of his fridge is no encouragement either, pathetically empty if not for a lopsided stick of negi and a bruised tomato wasting away inside it.

But Sakura is already taking out the groceries and washing something by the sink. "You've got to help me if you want our dinner to taste good, though."

"And since when do you need my help?" Naruto asks a bit dumbfounded.

Because Sakura has always had a certain system around it, a structure and order in which she _does_ _things,_ and cooking is definitely one of them. She's also much better at it when she has no one buzzing around and distracting her.

"I like what you make." He adds the compliment, but it's true.

Her cooking is not stellar (and she's definitely nowhere near Kiba's level, the boy's got a _mean_ hand in the kitchen, innate talent seriously, no matter how much Naruto pretends he's the better 'chef' of the two), but he actually, actually _likes_ it. Apart from her 'pills', she can manage to put something together on the spot and do a good enough job at it, plus different flavors often mean surprising combinations and Sakura is quite good with improvisation. Sharing a meal with someone instead of eating alone is probably another reason why the food ends up tasting so great to him.

She cranes her head back with the beginning of a not-exactly-pretend pout. "Go tell that to Sai." And her emerald eyes narrow in not-really-feigned irritation, too. "He had no trouble telling me that my cooking _sucks_."

Naruto clicks his tongue. "Don't even listen to him." He walks up to her and draws her close in one of their familiar one arm, half hugs. "You know half the time he's talking shit. And the other half he's talking out of his ass."

"That's not very nice." Sakura returns, her pouting scowl morphing into a grin as she dries her hands on the nearest towel and also returns the hug, both arms wrapping around his torso.

He pretends to let out a heavy sigh at that. "It's not like we aren't all doing the exact same thing, so it technically doesn't count as an insult."

She chuckles and he shows a little smile, and they sway a bit in place as Naruto places his head on top of hers. This kind of hugging is one of his favorites in the whole wide world, there is just that special kind of _comfortable_ that always keeps him warm and at ease.

Sakura hums after almost a minute of the gentle swaying. "By the way, tonight's menu includes vegetables. Just letting you know."

Naruto almost breaks their swaying hug, protesting with a very light, whiny quality to his voice. "Sakura-chan, no."

"Sakura-chan, yes." She is clearly not taking no for an answer either. "If I didn't buy them you wouldn't even know what vegetables look like." …And, well, that's mostly the truth actually? This time she's the one clicking her tongue. "You're just lucky you're cute because my patience is not endless. Ask Ino about it."

Naruto snorts. " _You're_ lucky you're cute." And pinches her cheek.

She smiles at him with a glimpse of her teeth showing and a small dimple making itself known against his thumb. "I'm not just going to force you to eat something you don't like, you know? Don't worry, I'll make it really spicy, just for you."

Naruto grumbles a bit, but he's clearly pleased at the new information. "…Okay, yeah, fine. I'm eating the damn vegetables." Yes, he loves spicy stuff, so what, sue him. And he'll be damned if he doesn't force himself to stomach another meal today.

The meal prep goes rather smoothly too, except for one mishap here and another there- _'…uh, what's that?', 'it's eggplant', 'yeah, no', 'oh come on, don't give me that look, it's tasty', 'sure, as tasty as Sai's compliments'_ which startled quite a laugh out of Sakura and almost ruined their dinner in the process. But they manage anyway.

So now he's setting up the table while she's plating up their dinner and it's not long at all until they are both sitting down to eat, on opposite ends. But since his table is fairly small, and fairly square, they are fairly close too.

The mindless chatter and dancing around the subjects is less upsetting right now, somehow. The disconnection he felt earlier with Iruka is not here with Sakura, and is not there with Kiba, or with Gaara, and it's definitely not there with Hinata either. With others however…

Speaking of, someone he actually _wants_ to _stop_ having any sort of connection towards- be it mysterious, 'ghostly', unwittingly emotional, or otherwise- decides this is the perfect moment to intrude.

Sasuke is now sitting backwards on one of the chairs, elbows crossed over the back of it, exactly in the middle between them and, ironically enough, Naruto is reminded of the first few months in Team Seven, when he thought Sasuke would only be a thorn in his and Sakura's side.

Well, talk about being a thorn now… rather than a thorn he is more of a knife, actually. And, very generally, just a pain in the ass.

"Oh, so you go from apparent fasting to eating twice a day?" His taunting is _palpable._ "Good to know. I'd call it progress, really, though we both know you're forcing yourself not to choke right now. But hey, at least you look a little less sick than this morning."

Naruto would like to crumple up this morning and preferably erase it from his memory at once, but of course the sole witness to the whole 'sinking down the wall and curling up in my bathroom floor' jiff has to bring it up and remind him of it.

The hold on his chopsticks grows tighter and déjà vu is hitting him all over again. Today Sasuke is even more insufferable than usual. And maybe there is something bugging him, but that doesn't give him _any sort of right_ whatsoever to bug Naruto about it right back.

After a second too long he's pushing away the plate, suddenly having lost all the willpower to pretend his appetite still exists somewhere in the depths of his stomach.

"You're full?" Sakura asks a little agitated, though not disappointed since he managed to eat half of his share.

"Yeah." He simply mutters.

"That's okay." She whispers, understanding.

His hand is lying idly by the smooth wood of the table, and in a split second decision he reaches across to hold hers, wanting warmth. She reaches back, automatically so with how often they do this as of late, tenderly brushing her thumb against his whiting knuckles in an almost rhythmical pattern.

"It's okay." She says once more, gently, meaning it in an altogether different way now.

"Is it really?" Sasuke cuts in with a sneering little rise in the corner of his mouth directed his way. "Why don't you tell her that nothing's wrong, like you told me? Why don't you tell her that you're just fine?"

Naruto barely holds onto his breath, onto his increasing frustration. Seriously? He's pushing this issue _now?_

But Sasuke keeps his unwavering eyes on him, challenging.

"Why don't you tell her?"

And Naruto instantly _knows_ what he is talking about, and maybe the ominous scroll hasn't just been sitting in the back of his mind all these days.

"Naruto?" Sakura's expression is the complete opposite of Sasuke's, and side by side the comparison is almost funny in its contrast. Her eyes soften. "Is something wrong?"

And maybe, _maybe_ the reason why he wants her to know about the scroll so badly is to see the weight of such news unravel in front of his eyes. See the raw tenderness of it written across her face in stark clarity.

…Because maybe then it would make sense for him _too._

Maybe the frightening danger Sasuke is in would finally dawn on him.

And then, maybe then, he wouldn't feel so… desensitized towards it, towards this whole ordeal concerning Sasuke.

But…

"Nothing." He blurts out, finally.

…But he can't do this to Sakura. He _can't_ do something this cruel to her, to one of his closest friends, to one of the dearest people in his life.

He can't open up a wound inside of her and watch it bleed just hoping his own painless scarred tissue will make sense.

"All these secrets, Naruto." Sasuke leans away, the edge of his smirk only deepening. "I never thought you'd be such a good keeper. Maybe you should be entrusted with more confidential matters, don't you think?" And the edge to his voice turns sharp, dangerous almost. "…Your ability to keep _everything_ to yourself is admirable, as always."

The frustration is sinking into exasperation, into bitterness, simmering under his skin. His attitude, his choice of words, it's all successfully getting to him. And he can't _allow_ that.

"Naruto?"

Naruto's focus snaps back like an elastic band pulled too tight, but not broken yet. Uneasy, his posture draws slightly inward, hesitation almost pouring out of him.

"...It's nothing." He says again in a harder voice, but quieter. He doesn't know if he is dismissing Sasuke's laid out claims, or if he is repeating the evasive answer to Sakura.

Because, the thing is, this is simply not the truth.

Naruto was never a liar.

And yet, he keeps tacking on lie after lie. And they keep piling up and up, and on top of each other, clumping together into a spiteful tangle he might eventually be forced to unravel.

* * *

Dinner and the clean up end up rather peacefully, due to Sasuke deciding to keep to himself all of a sudden. His mood shifts are almost giving Naruto whiplash, it's ridiculous.

At one point he sees Sakura eyeing the clock by the side of the wall. "You're going home now?"

"I have a shift at the hospital." She answers, apologetic.

He's already in search of his jumpsuit. "S'fine, I'll walk you there."

"You don't need to-"

But again, Naruto doesn't let her stop him. "I'm not letting you go there on your own in the middle of the night."

And it's quite clear that Sakura is doing her best to keep an eye roll to herself. "It's not that far, and it's not even midnight yet."

Naruto can't do much but shrug at the facts. "Yeah, well. It'll be in a couple of hours."

Sakura lets out a weary little sigh, but smiles nonetheless. "Okay, then, let's go."

Sakura might have taken her protectiveness up to a new, almost belligerent notch, but his protective streak has doubled just as much, and tripled too over time. He can't help it, he feels better knowing his friends are safe, and that he is somehow doing everything he can to _ensure_ their safety, no matter if they actually need it or not.

Sasuke doesn't follow them, Naruto notices, and he is entirely fine with this circumstance. He needs to put distance between them and walk off his infuriating words, still hanging about in his head and threatening to wreak havoc.

* * *

When he gets back it's almost an hour later. It's quite the haul making it to his lit up kitchen, until he finally slouches down in his chair, leaning back and staring unfixed at his empty table.

To his left Sasuke is still in the same position he left him in, although the arrogance is now more polished around the edges, subdued. Simply put, he looks tired. As worn out as Naruto feels. And he can almost hear the whir of his thoughts, wondering what the other boy might be thinking of right now.

"Why didn't you tell her?" Sasuke finally breathes out, his voice carries over in a whisper, engulfing the space between them in a silent wave of words.

Naruto doesn't make the effort to look him in the eyes, he is not met halfway either. "…She'll find out eventually."

"And what are you going to do when that happens?"

He lifts his head, raises his eyes high enough to see him, watches the way the light from the overhead lamp casts long shadows down his face. And for a moment it depicts him older than he really is, picturing him underneath an overcast of exhaustion that knows no physical bounds.

It almost hurts, for a lonely moment. Naruto looks away.

Whatever he answers right now would sound like an excuse to his own ears too, so he doesn't answer at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **About Sasuke:**
> 
> Sometimes he'll try to push buttons to get the answers he wants from Naruto (some buttons he shouldn't even think about pushing) and sometimes he's going to be _mean_ about it too. Just wanted to clarify this so it won't give you too much whiplash when at times he isn't as nice.
> 
> The main inspiration for Sasuke actually comes mostly from Deadpool, Flynn Rider, Gintoki from the anime Gintama and a bunch of personality traits I pull from the top of my head. And as we all know Deadpool is a bit unhinged and… so is Sasuke here? He will be coherent in his incoherency… if that makes sense? There's a lot of shades to him actually and I don't know if I'll be able to include every single one in this story, but I'll try my best. Believe it or not Sasuke is literally writing himself here, I don't even know where this is going to be honest.
> 
> The most important thing for me is convey how _human_ he actually is though, even with this whole… cloud of absurdity surrounding him. And I hope that by the end I'll have done a decent job at it.
> 
> **About Naruto:**
> 
> He is the narrator of 99.98% of this story. He narrates what he sees and feels. But he is **_unreliable_** too because his judgement is clouded and distorted, keep that in mind throughout this whole fic.
> 
> Plus, things that don't make sense right now, what they say, how they act, some of these might get answered later in the story, keep that also in mind.


	16. Out Of Depth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm just... curious."
> 
> Naruto eyes him a bit blearily. "Curious about… what?"
> 
> Sasuke doesn't break eye contact, lips stretching with the touch of a smile this time around. "About you, of course."

Naruto hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep after the whole… fiasco of the night- on his and Sasuke's part, Sakura keeps, fortunately, going blissfully ignorant- so what better option than to await the break of dawn sopping up water in a bathtub? He had seen a movie once, where this girl used to lay in her bathtub just like this, only it was empty and she slept in it fully clothed and with make up smeared all over her face. She was also most definitely drunk. It was a somewhat depressive, somewhat humorous sort of movie, he also remembers laughing in some bits. Huh, he should probably try to find it again, he doesn't recall much from it but it must have been pretty decent if it stuck with him-

"Letting your thoughts run around in a loop?"

Naruto blinks owlishly, then looks up.

"Yeah, I do that sometimes too. What better distraction is out there than your own mind, am I right?" Sasuke continues, brows slightly furrowed as he is seemingly engrossed in his rumination. "…Though it can be a double-edged sword more often than not."

The 'neither-mean-nor-neutral' mien has taken a leave today, while his approachable self is back in full gear, if the friendly grin he is greeted with is any indication.

Sasuke is currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub, there are possibly five feet apart between them. His hand, which is grazing the transparent surface, dips in, and the water sparkles like undulating glass as it surrounds his outstretched fingers, whirling around, eddying. As if this is his first time seeing water being moved, Naruto is watching utterly absorbed the ripples created by the gentle motions. He has half of his face submerged in, so the small waves come up to lap at his cheeks, faintly tickling him.

The engulfing silence is soaking into his bones, effortlessly so, leaving him with a sense of placidity that is almost foreign.

"What are you doing?" Naruto asks, still and quiet, and a little dumbly, after a substantial amount of time has passed. His eyes are half lidded with drowsiness, but he isn't sleepy… well, okay, maybe he is a _little_ sleepy.

Sasuke's grin widens a bit as he looks at him. "That's my line, seeing as you're taking a bath with your clothes on and all."

Naruto glances down at his fully clothed self, his shirt and pants are now soggy in the lukewarm water. Then he levels Sasuke with a groggy stare. He gives a sluggish shrug in the water, making it lap once again and almost overflow.

"Some people are fuckin' weird I guess, deal with it." He snaps with a casual and calm sort of voice. He really doesn't have the energy to get annoyed, he feels too… lethargic for that. It's an almost Zen state of relaxation he's in and he doesn't particularly feel like breaking out of it today.

Or really, do anything except soak himself in a pool of thoughts. And water.

"Easy with the safeguarding, soldier. I told you already, I'm not judging you. I mean, if this is working out for you then by all means, keep doing what you're doing." Sasuke keeps up the stirring with one hand, while he rests his chin on the other. "I'm just… curious."

Naruto eyes him a bit blearily. "Curious?" He repeats the word, slowly, as if testing it out. "Curious about… what?"

Sasuke doesn't break eye contact, lips stretching with the touch of a smile this time around. "About you, of course."

Naruto feels a weak wave of heat climb up his neck and behind his ears, and he shivers slightly from the cooling water and gaze. "…about me?"

"You're treating this like it's news somehow."

He feebly struggles to get air past his lungs. "…It's news to me?"

"Seriously?"

Sasuke's look is a cross between two opposing margins, like he is hell-bent serious, and like he's not at all, all at once. How does one person even _manage_ this sort of expression?

"Well, damn. Have I really been so subtle this whole time?"

Naruto blinks, feeling a bit dumbfounded. "Yeah? Isn't subtlety your whole… _thing,_ actually?"

Sasuke inches closer, the upward slant of his grin catches the glint of the rays spilling in, eyes lighting up in the sun. "Guess I'll have to change that, then."

The water grows a tad warmer. Or maybe it's just all in his imagination.

"I…" It's fair to say Naruto is more than a little lost. "…what?"

Sasuke backs off just as quickly as he leaned in, amusement shining on his face. "You are _so_ out of your depth right now."

Naruto doesn't exactly know _everything_ that might entail, but he isn't dumb enough to miss the joke's on him, somehow. For seemingly the millionth time, he rephrases the question. "Could you maybe, I don't know, take breaks from making fun of me?"

"But that would take all the _fun_ out of it?"

Naruto falls back too against his 'watery bed', unamused. Well, trying to argue with him won't take him anywhere. That doesn't mean he isn't going to try again and again though, still…

The loop of thoughts keeps circling back to one chain in particular.

Sasuke is… _unpredictable._

And, yes, that's hardly news really, he figured it out practically the first day he met him. But he has never been _this_ kind of unpredictable before, where Naruto doesn't even have a lead, a hunch to what might be going on inside his head. And it keeps him on his toes, trying to figure out what his next move will be, and never able to anticipate it anyway. Sometimes it looks like Sasuke doesn't even _have_ an ace up his sleeve, other times it seems he is a jack full of trades.

Yes, Naruto is clearly out of his depth here.

"Come on, man. These are the jokes." Sasuke is saying in feigned repentance, clearly still in jest.

Apart from the fact that he is being addressed so _casually_ by _him…_ "I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that _you_ of all people are capable of dishing out jokes. So forgive me if I'm still a little slow on the uptake."

Sasuke looks to be relishing this fact a _little_ too much, if you ask for Naruto's opinion on the matter. "That's okay, actually. You've always been a fast learner, quick thinker, fast paced kind of guy. I'd say a slow approach is the best, really, the most reasonable one you could take right about now."

Naruto thinks there is a not-so- _subtle_ insult sandwiched in there.

Before he can really call him out on that, however, Sasuke is following with a non-question. "By the way." A smug lilt tints his voice. "Did ya know," He starts casually. "You talk in an almost completely different way when you're tired."

"Um… what?"

"It's like you switch personas, almost. You tend to use a few 'big' words, though I think you're doing it in an unconscious way." And the satisfaction only grows across his face. "I guess this is one of those little perks no one really knows about you, right?"

Naruto frowns, this being news to him as well. "What are you on, I don't use 'big' words when I'm tired. I talk normally, as I always do." He pauses, blinks once, twice, then backtracks. "I mean- I talk like I usually do. Shut up."

"Awh, are you mad I just discovered a new little secret about you?"

"Uh…" He can't think of anything to answer with. So he goes in plainly. "…no?"

Sasuke's grin keeps curving in a crescent. "Have I already mentioned I like this quieter version of you?"

 _'Yes.'_ Naruto thinks, the reminder making him feel a little too embarrassed for his tastes. "Not really." He replies gruffly.

"Cranky." Sasuke repeats in that same tone he used a few days ago and the smile in his voice is unmistakable, fond. "And again, your crankiness is insomnia-related." He sighs, loudly. "Okay, I'll just say it, you know what happens when you don't sleep? You go mad, that's what happens."

Naruto raises his eyes to the ceiling in a half-hearted eyeroll. "And _you_ would know about it."

"Ooh, back at it again with the jabs? I'm digging this, keep 'em coming."

At the out-of-character remark he feels tempted to outright laugh in his face.

"Seriously though, is this sarcastic streak another thing no one knows about you?"

He wasn't aware they were still in the mood for the 'sharing secrets' conversation. He wasn't aware they would be in the mood for it _at all,_ actually. Apparently they are.

"The 'jabs', or whatever you wanna call them, were never a secret." Naruto's mouth twitches at the next thought, but he presses his lips in a flat line. "Ask Kiba 'bout it."

"Aren't you just full of surprises?" Sasuke says it more playfully.

"I'd say that's you." But Naruto thinks it more earnestly- then realizes the thought has slipped out loud.

There is that mischievous glint in the boy's eyes that never seems to leave, as if he is always on the verge of getting himself in trouble, and enjoy it in the process, always up to no good. It shouldn't look this natural on him… and still, it does. The impish look is unwonted, but at the same time not in the least bit out of place as it flits across his countenance. It's almost a new version of Sasuke he has never seen before, and it takes him aback, far more than it should at this point in time.

Naruto sighs loudly, not exaggerating the heavy exhale. "I don't even know why I'm still talking to you…" This might as well be the most candid sentence to have ever come out of his mouth.

"That's a good thing, it means we're starting to connect."

Naruto narrows his eyes in what is supposed to be a glare, but it's really, really _not._ Although, with a spur-of-the-moment thought striking in, he is the one who shows the hint of a smirk. "And you know where you can go and put our 'connection?'"

But Sasuke is already mirroring his expression and taking the words right out of his mouth. "Up yours?"

In a lightning-quick motion Naruto splashes out half of the bathtub's contents in an almost tsunami like billow as 'revenge' for getting beaten to the punchline, even if, regrettably, the other boy has already moved out of the water's way.

Sasuke's laughter bounces off the walls, ringing loud and clear and lighthearted.

And it's astonishing to think that this is the most comfortable he has felt in a long while. Naruto has to legitimately fight a smile off his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a longer chapter, but I was craving light-heartedness _so badly,_ my favorite thing lately is writing about these two getting on each other’s nerves/somehow laughing about getting on each other’s nerves/Sasuke trying to make Naruto give out at least a smile (ahahah it’s because I’m an emotional mess at the moment), and my attention span is really short right about now… so this happened?
> 
> …Oops?


	17. Out Of Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, so, I've actually thought about this."
> 
> "About what?"
> 
> "Oh, you know, what curtains would match with your living room- about the reason why I'm here. _Obviously."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the movie they’re watching, I don’t know why, I haven’t quite been able to stop thinking about Spiderman today (the Amazing Spiderman- Andrew Garfield will _always_ have a special place in my heart), so let’s somehow pretend Spiderman is an actual thing in the Naruto world?? lol
> 
> Just waiting for someone to figure out the not so subtle clues these two are dropping… Oh my Lord, someone please stop me, I’m having way too much fun with this and I might go on forever??  
> This is also the ‘lighter’ it’s going to be for a _long_ while, the next two chapters are sort of rough. And after that things will get…heavy. And intense. I’m honestly ready for the heavy angst to finally hit… but I’m also not? 
> 
> **you awesome peeps out there, I've updated the tags, please pretty please read 'em to know what to expect out of this mess of a story**

These next two days, like the rest, follow in a linear but imprecise chain of events. The majority of it is unclear, but the moments framing the haziness- those are crystal.

After the... _eventful_ soak in his tub, Naruto finds himself at the hospital.

Naruto's agreed upon and at times impromptu visits at the hospital aren't always related to his team teacher, there is one other patient he takes the time to pay a call to every now and again. Or, really, whenever he can.

Some time ago he happened to meet an outsider, in every sense of the word- he has absolutely no business with the shinobi world, didn't have the slightest clue who 'Pain' was and the destruction he brought to the village, and still doesn't now, and that is… exactly what is so _refreshing_ to Naruto, a wave of normalcy sent his way.

The man always has tales of a lifetime to tell, and he does _tell_ them, he can talk and talk his way through most anything. According to him, the reason why he currently is in the hospital is _lightning,_ nothing more and nothing else to it. He has also been struck by lightning eleven times in his life, which is the reason why the number eleven is his favorite number. A funny little old man, this one.

Naruto and Sakura grew attached to him soon enough, to the point they spend time in his hospital room even after visiting hours are through. Sakura calls him Oji-san, while Naruto calls him Jii-Jii.

"Jii-Jii." Naruto greets once he is through the door, mindlessly closing it behind him with the heel of his foot. "I brought you some decent food."

As of late, 'smuggling' food inside the hospital has come to be a 'requirement', Naruto just can't stand the food in here. And even if he doesn't eat it himself, he _is_ magnanimous enough to spare others of the dull- sometimes even horrid- taste.

And the habitual raucous chuckle welcomes him. "Food's good enough here for these ole' bones."

Naruto takes his usual seat by his bedside, passing the warm container in his hands. Choppy silver strands fall short over the man's skin, wrinkled with age and experience, as he carefully takes the lid off and a swirl of vapor wafts into the room.

"Don't say that, you're still young in spirit. Kakashi-sensei's the real old one."

Jii-Jii hums, taking his time to reply. "Flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, son."

Sometimes he talks in riddles, sometimes the meaning behind his words is plain enough, and other times it seems like he doesn't have a clue what they're talking about. Naruto simply goes along with it, or takes the conversation in a completely new direction.

Jii-Jii also never calls him by name- to the point where Naruto has even wondered if he might have just forgotten about his actual name altogether- but he has taken to calling him either 'boy', or 'son', it's always a tie between the two. The man doesn't have offspring of his own, but for any reason treats him with the same warmth a father or a grandfather would.

And it somehow feels familiar in a nostalgic sort of way to Naruto, even if he has never known the warmth of a family shared by blood.

"Oh, Jii-Jii, you're the only old man cool enough to beat Kakashi-sensei."

The man lets out a jovial, contagious bout of laughter and Naruto almost answers in kind, a genuine smile plastered across his face.

* * *

* * *

"Hey, so, I've actually thought about this." Sasuke starts pretty ordinarily, and, as of late, completely out of the blue.

Naruto lifts his head up, the blades of grass a light tickle between his unfolded fingers. "About what?"

Sasuke stares at him as if the inquiry is the most ridiculous thing to have ever graced his ears. "Oh, you know, what curtains would match with your living room- about the reason why I'm here. _Obviously."_

Naruto spares him a glance, clicks his tongue. "Drop the sass."

"Drop the stupid questions."

He glimpses at him through his lashes, lifts his shoulders. "Iruka-sensei says there are no stupid questions out there."

Sasuke deadpans.

"…Okay, fine, there are _definitely_ stupid questions out there."

He would know, he has quite a few he has asked in between the years.

"So?" He prompts, impatient in an idle sort of way. His muscles feel stiff and lax at the same time, like he has been stretched too hollow.

"Alright." Sasuke goes on, holding up his forefinger. "Theory number one."

Oh, so he has beaten his brain out over this. With the way he always seems to downplay the predicament, Naruto feels he almost has the right to be proud of him.

"You think of me and…" Sasuke pauses, most definitely for effect. "… _poof._ I appear." He says, without the barest hint of disbelief such a piece of information would deserve.

Naruto opens his mouth. And closes it. And opens it again, not unlike a fish.

"…Sasuke."

"Yeah?"

"…What the hell."

Sasuke appears almost, _almost_ offended. "What, that doesn't sound _too_ far-fetched."

Naruto is the one to deadpan now.

Sasuke doesn't back down from the stare off, until Naruto does.

"…As if I even think of you. The last time I even-… it's been ages." It has surely been _ages_ since the last time he thought of him-- before he… well, 'materialized' inside his room, almost giving him a heart attack in the process-- and his 'Sasuke-related-thoughts' over the years certainly haven't been pleasant, that's undeniable.

"That so?" The boy's lips quirk up in a curve a little too smug. "Isn't it that maybe you just can't stop thinking about me?"

Naruto's eyes narrow into an irritated glare. _"Hardly."_

"And maybe it's because you think I know more than you think."

Naruto pretends the simple sentence doesn't throw him for a loop the first couple of seconds.

"Or maybe I can say the things you're so afraid to think?" Sasuke keeps putting forth, a bit too casually.

Naruto's eyes widen a fraction, mental walls rising with the topic breaching a little too closely home. Fortunately he can count on Sasuke's apparent need to keep outlining his specific train of thought.

"Theory number two-"

"Wait." Naruto is stopping him before he can even think about it. "Shouldn't this be theory number three?" His confusion keeps growing, too. "Or, um, four?"

"Nope, those were just extensions of theory number one."

"…Right." His eyes narrow in bemusement, while it seems to make perfect sense to the other boy it doesn't make much sense to him, not at all actually.

"As I was saying, theory number two." And now Sasuke is wearing an impish look, raising both brows at him in a waggish, pointed way. "Maybe I'm… the better part of you?"

His face pinches slightly, lips lightly parting in a disbelieving gape. He almost finds it funny. _"Please._ Only Kiba would believe something this stupid."

Sasuke rolls his eyes and mumbles something under his breath.

Naruto ignores that part.

"Well then, on to theory number three." But Sasuke gives the impression to swither at this one. He picks up with an uncertain lift of his shoulders. "Who knows, maybe we'll never find out why I'm actually here."

Naruto's features crumple with a frown, the sentence leaves behind a bad aftertaste that he feels the need to wash off that very minute. "That's _not_ an option."

Sasuke turns to gaze in the distance, eyes going half-lidded from the delicate sunlight blanketing vast swathes of the field in lacklustre golden. His low voice is a pensive hum. "…Is it really not, though?"

Naruto's attention is quickly snapped to the opposite direction by Yamato calling him over a couple dozen feet away. When he gets up, he's alone again.

* * *

* * *

Naruto still has Sasuke on his mind as he gets up from the couch, still halfway to dozing and trying his best to avoid tripping over air itself on his way to answering the door. A few friendly faces await him on the other side, he has to blink a number of times to put them into focus.

"You were sleeping?" Kiba asks, surprised and slightly apologetic.

"Takin' a nap." Naruto replies, trying to hold down a yawn. "Mmh, forgot. M'sorry." He mumbles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with a loose fist, much like a little kid.

"It's fine dude, we can do this another day-"

"No, no, s'okay, promise." He opens the door and steps away, letting his friends in.

One of the new additions to his current apartment was a television, which he didn't know if he should have even accepted in the first place. It felt a little superfluous, but somehow the allied villages pitching in and helping Konoha had done so offering surplus comforts at times.

Even now he doesn't use it often-- the cinema has always been a _so_ much better option to him, but since reconstruction is slow in that department in the end he had taken what he'd been given-- except for these small get-togethers, which Sakura calls 'sleepovers'. But truly, they are simply a way to avoid having Naruto being alone for too long.

The movie is mostly about action and the quick-witted main character throwing out quips as quickly as he takes out the bad guys, and Naruto finds himself laughing at a few bits and talking over others, and discussing where the plot is going from time to time.

With arms thrown around him, his vision goes blurring with a mesh of washed out colors growing dimmer, ears picking up toned down timbers of voices growing distant, and he is too burnt out to feel anything but warm and worriless for once. Halfway through the movie he falls asleep on Kiba's shoulder.

* * *

* * *

"Oops. I might have forgotten to mention this little _detail_." Sasuke is disclosing, _not_ apologetic _in the least._

As if he didn't just cut in two splintering halves the barren trunk of a charred tree with a simple wave of the hand, the violent rush of air breaching through like an invisible force. And it all happened right _in front_ of Naruto's eyes.

"…Holy shit!" He can only think to exclaim at the sight, thoroughly gobsmacked.

Sasuke is sporting one mega watt grin, like a little kid showing off a brand new toy. "Cool, isn't it? Heh, I guess being a 'ghost' sure comes with its perks.

Naruto's slack jaw is practically hanging on the floor. "How the…" He trails off, unsure, shaken… and a little impressed, also. "You didn't… not even…"

"Nope." Sasuke answers, like he knows what he is floundering about.

"No… techniques?" Naruto tries to give voice to his discombobulated thoughts. "Something to do with your, you know…" With a jerking motion he gestures in the general direction of his eyes.

"Nuh-uh. Not one ounce of chakra, no sharingan, no technique involved here." And he even sounds like he's bragging.

And, well, if Naruto knew how to do… _that-_ was it an invisible force, a magnetic pull, what even _was_ that- without any kind of help from an external source, then he might have half a mind to brag about it too.

"You know what they say, it's all in the flick of the wrist." Sasuke pauses, shaking his head once. "Though I can do this without moving my hands at all, I just thought pairing a random hand movement to go along with it would've added a bit more effect, you know."

Bypassing the spoof and Sasuke's apparent 'show off' tendencies, Naruto is locked in a back and forth between the boy in front of him and the poor bark, still hanging for dear life by literal threads and- oh, no, it just fell apart. "…And you say this isn't magic?!" He snaps, and, _alright,_ he is panicking _just_ a _smidge._

"I know you're still pretty hung up over the black magic voodoo kinda stuff and what not. But I can most definitely assure you this has nothing to do with wizards." Then he adds, a little more _unimpressed,_ "Or witches. Again, _not_ one."

Naruto is positively _reeling,_ palm squashing against his forehead in his see-through and utter shock, heart a wild race inside his chest at the sheer absurdity of the unfolding, dicey events he was witness to mere seconds before.

"Is this…" He wracks his brain for the right term, he may have heard it once in a movie. "Te… what do they even call it, tele…uh, pathy?"

"I think the word you're looking for is 'telekinesis.'" Sasuke corrects promptly. Then, not so promptly, he continues. "And…"

"And?"

Sasuke rubs at the back of his head, smirk morphing into a small, upward line of uncertainty. "I, um… don't know?"

Oh, so _now_ he has the gall to look _sheepish._

"You…" Naruto doesn't even blink, can't even think what the concept of blinking one's eyes entails as he turns his full, unreserved attention towards him. "You don't know?"

"No?"

His dubious expression is, admittedly, almost funny. But _not_ reassuring.

Naruto combs quick fingers through his hair, mystified into an awestruck bout of silence. Which only lasts a few seconds.

"Are you real?"

"Do you see me?"

He certainly didn't expect to be hit with the rhetorical question of all things.

"…And if I see you it means it's not all happening in my head?"

"And if it's all happening in your head it means it's not real?"

He was not expecting this one either.

"I…You…" He can't help the reiteration of this same concept- for the millionth time it feels. "You're… _confusing_ me!"

"Well, it's not like I'm an answering machine and you just need the push of a button to have all the universe's secrets revealed. 'Cause if I was I'd have asked my fair share of questions a _long_ time ago, believe _that."_ Then he's back to staring straight into his eyes with an unfeigned smile. "For all it's worth though, this feels real enough to me too."

…Well, this blatant confusion sizzling him from the inside out _does_ feel _real_ enough, he has to give him props for that at least.

Naruto's eyes fall to the earthy ground, as if it's about to split open too and maybe swallow him whole in the process. "What the _actual_ fuck…"

"Heh, knew you were going to say it often." Sasuke shakes his head to himself. "I really shouldn't be enjoying this as much as I am."

Naruto would bring himself to glare if the shock gripping him relented just a little. Sasuke seems to be reading the look for what it is all the same.

"What, seeing you panic at every little thing I do is pretty amusing to me, I'm not about to deny that."

Through his amazement, Naruto scowls- though it presents as more of a pout- and grumbles to himself.

* * *

* * *

The padding of the chair might make it less uncomfortable, but that does nothing for the uneasiness- although that too seems to be sleeping under his skin, at least for now.

This room is always as stifling and unexpectedly _open_ as the last few times he has been here. It must be the sun, Naruto is sure of it, its glaring rays trickling in and enveloping the space make everything… _brighter._ More bearable.

She has already asked her prompt question, and the trajectory of the conversation (question-few words answer-question, and repeat) has wended its way into, somehow, delving into his sleeping habits.

"Sometimes I just can't… sleep." He mumbles, not particularly inclined to the effort of building up a lie, but not up for breaking down a truth either. "But it's nothing serious. I'm fine."

The sound the pen makes when she places it on the smooth surface of the desk reverberates amid the four walls, for one moment it seems every other noise has been sucked out of the room. Her voice is laced with professional kindliness when she, after another soundless moment, speaks again.

"Naruto, why do you think you are coming here?"

There has to be one specific reason for that, or maybe a multitude of those, all crushed together into a tangled mess that cannot possibly be extricated without any hope of help from an external source, but the bottom line is…

Naruto looks up enough to hold eye contact, for a couple of seconds, then looks back down. He gives a noncommittal shrug. "I don't know."

* * *

* * *

A blaze of lights adorns the open space, seemingly woven through to the stretch of night sky, hanging in swirling arcs of diffused and opaque colors, and getting lost in the twinkle of the stars overhead, mellowing out the atmosphere, illuminating this corner of _peace._

It's a small restaurant they booked for the joyful occasion-- and luckily managed to find too, since more than just a handful of businesses, especially small-scale enterprises, are struggling still-- and the air is thick with the scent of different dishes from the hefty buffet to choose from, whilst the atmosphere is rich with elation, harmonious from the good company. A few faces Naruto recognizes, a few he doesn't, but one in particular that stands out from the bunch is Gai's.

The man with the bowl haircut marches his way towards the small crowd like he is walking through war, leading with laden steps toward the protagonist of this night.

"Kakashi." Gai greets with a stern expression and a curt nod. "It's good to have you back."

And Kakashi is almost surprised into silence by the modest, unobtrusive approach. "…Ah, thank y-"

In a split second Gai is dropping his stone facade, hastily drawing -crushing- his friend into a hug. "We can finally get back on track with our competition!" And, apparently forgetting the man was just discharged, he is soon spinning him around like a rag doll, while Iruka's concerned, _'-he's turning blue!'_ goes unheard.

"…think I'll need a longer stay at the hospital." Kakashi barely manages to utter the stifled whisper.

"Oh, Kakashi-sensei, you can be such a jokester when you want to." Sakura says with one of her saccharine smiles, not doing anything whatsoever to help her dear teacher out of the suffocating hold. "Come on, Iruka-sensei, I'm sure there are a few people you haven't said hello to yet, let's let these two catch up." She adds in a sweet voice, dragging a panicking Iruka away by the arm.

"…Remind me to never get on her bad side." Kiba mutters, standing by the side and witness to the whole scene.

Shino nods, Naruto does too and he wonders what his teacher might have done to get on Sakura's nerves this time- most probably having something to do with the poor efforts he puts into looking after himself and his health. But he only spares the man a sympathetic thought, not doing anything whatsoever to help either.

Some could even swear they hear a bone or two pop above Gai's rambunctious laughter.

* * *

"Yo, Kakashi-sensei." Well into the night, Kiba is leaning over towards the man, reaching for something to his right. "I'm gonna have a sip of alcohol, that cool?"

Kakashi sweeps up the nearest bottle with a quick motion. "No."

"It's cool, I'm under 'adult supervision' here from you and Iruka-sensei and Gai-sen-" He halts mid-sentence when they hear a loud crash. Instead of turning around to find out what just occurred, there is a small, collective sigh lifting from most. Kiba is quick to rephrase. "…well, maybe not _him._ But hey, since you're here it's totally fine. 'Cause you're old."

Kakashi blinks once his visible eye. "…Excuse me?"

"He's right." Naruto agrees beside him, clearly sharing this train of thought. Sakura shakes her head to herself, but doesn't add anything.

"Uh, I mean, you know, old in…" Kiba's face scrunches up in deep contemplation, treading carefully in search of the just words to utter. "…an 'adult' and, er, 'wise' kind of way. Yeah." It's what he comes up with.

Kakashi's eyebrow twitches in irritation with every added word. "Right." His eye is now narrowed, completely unconvinced. "You're not touching a drop of alcohol. I'm drinking water, and so are you."

"Oh come _on!"_

"Sensei." Choji manages to articulate through a mouthful. "Just say you're afraid of Kiba's mother. If she ever found out you let him drink, who knows what she'd do…"

Kiba is suddenly nodding in a firm, far-reaching way (seemingly in an imitation of Kakashi himself) as his voice lowers to a conspicuous whisper. "You know, my mom's actually the reason why my dad ran away, she can be… _scary._ "

"I… don't find that hard to believe. At all."

Only a small distance away, leaning back on his chair with his arms crossed over his chest, Shikamaru sighs. "…He's normally zonked out as it is, imagine if he actually got _drunk_ …" He mutters under his breath with a shake of the head, making Ten Ten almost snort-spit the water she had just been taking a gulp of.

Kakashi listens to a few more of Kiba's pleas- some a little less polite than others- and shakes his head with a fond, concealed smile. "Ah, youth. Naive, ignorant youth."

"Huh, I feel like he just insulted all of us." Choji whispers to his teammates.

"That's because he just did." Ino whispers back, sipping on her iced tea.

Shikamaru just keeps shaking his head.

* * *

Ten Ten leans her shoulder against Neji's, and he shifts until she is comfortable, letting her rest her head in the crook of his neck.

"They look cozy." Sakura remarks with a little smile as she looks at the two a few feet away.

"Mmh?" Naruto hums, puzzled since they're practically in their same position. "Aren't we cozy too?"

Sakura looks up at him with a diverted little chuckle. "No, I mean cozy _cozy."_

It takes quite a bit for him to figure it out. "Ooh… I think I just got it."

She snorts. "That's okay, your obliviousness is mostly adorable."

"Heeey." He weakly protests.

* * *

The hours fly by with people chatting the night away, little groups have formed and scattered everywhere while Naruto- after reassuring Sakura, time and time again, that he is undoubtedly okay and can be left alone for more than five minutes- is sitting on his own, one of the few still at the table.

The conversation around him dwindles to a buzz, white noise in the back of his mind. But there is this nagging sensation that won't leave him, there is something amiss, he _knows,_ but he can't quite place what it is.

"Not enjoying yourself out here?"

A silent gasp gets pushed out of his mouth and his head is snapping to his left, and all of a sudden he is looking at Sasuke, who is sitting one chair over.

"Isn't it astonishing how lonely you can feel even in the middle of a crowd?"

Sasuke's voice is low enough he has to strain his ears to catch it.

"The worst thing is, it happens when you actually want to be part of that crowd… but just can't bring yourself to enjoy it no matter how hard you try." He continues, arms crossed over the table and heavy-lidded eyes watching the ongoing celebration happening uninterrupted in front of them.

As an unconscious reaction, Naruto's eyebrows draw together in a delicate, saddened little frown, but it's an expression he is not aware to be sporting as he keeps looking over at him. "…I don't know what you're talking about."

Sasuke's eyes flit over, first from his peripheral then he is turning his full attention on him. "Right." There is a disbelieving ring to the word he exhales, a heaviness to it.

Their eyes cross paths, and for a moment Naruto is seeing walls crumbling, a glimpse of despair that has nothing (and _everything)_ to do with his own. But the shard of desolation is quickly replaced by one of Sasuke's more signature looks; neutrally spiteful, dimly lenient, still indulgently glazed with thin-coated arrogance.

"Let me ask you something then."

It's as if time itself slows down, the view surrounding them grows into a backdrop of unfocused dapples of light and life. In this slow motion swivelling, the sensation of weightlessness grips him, suspending him in the folding of a moment, in the hidden crease between neat lines.

It's somewhat like being able to break out of the frozen surface of a bottomless ocean. Only to find out once you've come up for air, your lungs are filled up with water to the brim.

"If you're so content with your life, if you've got everything under control, if you're out with your friends, enjoying yourself and everything is as fine as you say it is…"

A beat, then another, his eyes catch the stringing glow and the blaze of the moonlight, row of teeth glinting in the swell of his simper, toeing the treacherous seam dividing levity and dire.

"…then why are you still thinking of me?"

Naruto's mouth falls open a sliver, because he wants to refute the preposterous notion, because he wants to cry out his aversion at such a ridiculous, such an unfounded claim- but right as he is building up to it, on the brink of it, he's shocked into faltering by a dawning realization that can't be nothing else if not his own conviction coming dismantled, striking out the words bubbling in his chest.

And after it he doesn't know how to possibly answer.


	18. This Has Got To Be The Good Life… What Is There To Complain About?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There are people in this life that don't deserve your forgiveness, that never will." Sasuke says, low and resilient, says this importantly. "And it's entirely up to you if in the end you decide to grant it to them. No one else can make this choice for you. And no one else has the right to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Good Life- onerepublic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmXbCBAHTfo) the title is obviously sarcastic, but this song is so so great

The world lies in glass shards, disintegrated beneath his feet, sullied in blood.

Lifeblood he won't ever get back.

He worked for _so_ long to get here, he worked so _hard._ He put in his aspirations, his dreams, his _hope,_ every last drop he could give, and now- and _now_ to have that completely shattered by something so _devastating-_

"You need to rest, kid." The voice of a stranger, washed over in lukewarm kindness, barely reaches him. "Get out of here, get some sleep. Come back once you feel better."

He gives a minute shake of the head, stiffened muscles howling in protest. The antiseptic burns inside his nostrils, in the back of his throat, it makes him want to double over himself and heave out all the sweltering acid corroding his stomach, sweltering acid rippling through his veins.

"…please." His rasped whisper is nothing if not a broken plea. But he doesn't even know why he keeps pleading anymore. "… _please…"_ He can't offer anything else; he has nothing left.

Against the crumpled wall, he is crumpled in on himself. Curled up by the cracked tiles on the floor, heart shattered, and the world- _his_ world- is lying in glass shards, disintegrated beneath his feet.

He knows nothing but loss.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Naruto wakes up crying.

Tear tracks mark his temples in frigid trails as he tries to regain sense of himself enough to breathe, to understand, or to try, at least. And only then, through his benumbed senses, does he take notice of how much he is surprisingly struggling to take in air.

He heaves himself up, uncaring of his pillow and sheet already in a heap on the floor. His skin is cold and clammy, goosebumps break out over his arms and legs, shivers race down his back, he feels nauseous. He tries to piece it together, to grasp it, to-

 _When_ was _even_ the last time he woke up crying?

It's been so long, _so_ long. He grits his teeth.

How _pathetic._

His dreams are shapeless, the memories lacking substance, but not meaning. And their weight sits like a weapon lodged inside his ribcage, threatening to have him cave in on himself.

He presses the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, fighting against the salt-wet proof he finds there. Until his breathing is almost back to regular again. Until the shaking begins to recede. Until the sharp sense of dread isn't as acute anymore. Until he can make out the candid, achromatic gloom of darkness amid all the million little splotches of blazing light taking up his vision.

* * *

The headache is drilling into his skull, throbbing with each step he takes, as if trying to strike a rhythm and match it. His eyes are swollen puff, the pearly white sclera threaded crimson and barely hiding underneath the skin of his eyelids, and he thinks he has blinked more in this couple of hours than he has in an entire year, probably. This is what he gets for crying, he guesses.

As a diversion from this aversion he has taken to frivolously dawdling around the street market. Eyes shiftless as they settle from one stall to the other, to the window shops nearby. There isn't a throng of people out yet, and he easily moves between the stalls. The lively atmosphere isn't particularly grating here, surprisingly so, where traders have their wares displayed, where shopkeepers almost bust a lung with how loud they shout out offers to attract customers, and where customers shout back trying to bargain for the lowest price they can.

It's all white noise, a background hum buzzing snugly in his eardrums. Until…

"Looking for something to buy?"

The blithe question comes from behind him and he turns to find Sasuke sporting one jaunty half of a grin. Naruto thanks whatever deity is up there for having him materialize out of thin air _now,_ and not as soon as he came into the land of the conscious that morning, thankfully missing evidence of his weakness as it streamed down his face.

"I'd say keep your eyes peeled for any cool phantom on the market." He keeps on, impish hubris laced to his tone as he points at himself with a nod of the head. "But you've got the single piece right here in front of ya."

It's almost instantaneous the way Sasuke's presence has the edge setting in, and how that edge is lifted off by his presence; the paradox a mystery all on its own.

"Wait, you mean to tell me there's been a _cool_ spirit hanging around here all this time and I didn't know about it?" Naruto pretends to throw a look around in search of the phantomatic spectre in question, much to his guest's chagrin.

Sasuke clicks his tongue, deadpan expression overtaking his face funnily quick. "Oi, oi, what's that supposed to mean."

Naruto raises an eyebrow in the mock of a challenge, with a bit of a grin himself. "Maybe you need to up your game?"

"A few days ago I cut a tree open in front of you just by _thinking_ about it. Not only am I on the _cooler_ side of cool, my 'game' is through the roof, kid."

Naruto's features morph lightning quick into a deadpan this time around. "Don't call me 'kid.'"

"Moxy." Sasuke says with a fuller grin in his strange- 'yeah I'm complimenting you but also making you feel like I'm getting the last laugh out of it cause I might find this side of you endearing and don't want to admit it out loud'- tone.

Or so Naruto is starting to think. And in all response he raises his eyes skyward in the imitation of an eyeroll.

But, well, he's not wrong about his 'game' at all, reminding him of the astonishing discovery that is only a few days old, of the- _oh,_ Sasuke is apparently capable of telekinesis _all of a sudden._ Naruto has been meaning to ask more about it, too. But this is the innocent, childlike-wonder side of curiosity he hasn't felt in a while now, making him feel a bit giddy, and good.

Unfortunately, he is cut off rather abruptly by one of the shop owners directing their attention, and _loud_ voice, towards him.

…And suddenly he remembers why he avoids crowded spots like the plague. _Crap._

News of 'the savior' catches on like wildfire among people, setting off a chained reaction. And what starts as a hush turns into talking, and the talking is quickly turning into screams. He almost doesn't notice how he is being manhandled at the double, yanked inside one of the shops he had just been looking the windows of minutes prior.

Naruto can barely make out plausible sentences through the racket, shouted offers at him, cut off exclamations of "-have anything you'd like!", and the man who grabbed him is staring at him with a smile a little too wide, round glasses shining almost ominously, showing too many teeth, bubbling friendliness that perhaps conceals an ulterior motive.

He remembers this man. He met him only once, around ten years ago.

The recognition has needles raining over his skin, and he takes a tiny step back, the fine hairs at his nape rise in apprehension. His senses are blaring.

"No I-" His voice rises, too. "It's okay, really- I- need to g-" But the noise is growing and his polite attempts at refusal keep going unheard.

It's all so disorienting- a mesh of voices and colors and _noise,_ everything is pushing together, thinning and expanding. It's all happening too quickly, too _fast,_ he doesn't understand most of it, doesn't understand any of it. He starts thinking it must be another nightmare, if not for the people shoving at him and tugging him in whichever direction. The _uncomfortable_ is quickly shifting into something uglier. To the point where even someone clasping him on the shoulder sends shudders down his spine, he swears his skin is blistering underneath his clothes. But his invasion of privacy serves no concern to the patrons, who are filling the shop to the point of suffocation.

Naruto tries to back away, fake little smile plastered at the corner of his lips and no one seems to see through it. But no one ever does anyway, he shouldn't be expecting anyone to after this long. He brings the back of his hand up to his clammy forehead in an unconscious gesture that's meant to be soothing, wiping at the beads of icy sweat he ends up finding there.

A weight is being placed on his shoulders next, through to his arms, and before he can get a protest out he finds himself staring from an adjacent mirror at the cloak draped on him, a buoyant color to it, he manages to catch the writing at the base.

Engraved in bold letters curving at the end, is a simple word holding such a convoluted meaning inside it:

_'Hero'_

His fight-or-flight _kicks_ in with violent roar, his dormant senses wake, scream, _scream_ at him to _get the fuck out of here._

Amid the cacophony, a piercing _thud_ echoes, breaking up the mayhem into a loud silence. A steel rack on the far end of the shop has just toppled over, folderol spread beneath it, the anchor bolts fixing it to the wall cut in half and still attached to it.

Naruto seizes the chance, and with speed that borders on unhuman weaves away from the crowd and out out _out_ of there.

Wherever his feet are carrying him is currently outside his perceptive field, but what he knows is he _needs_ to put distance, as much he can, get as _far_ as he can before he stops.

And he doesn't come to a halt until the safe shadow of a lone building comes into view, offering shelter behind.

His knees shake, almost buckle under him, so he crouches down, barely able to hold his own mass without an external support.

He tries to breathe.

It's not like he has ever had any issue with attention, he even used to crave it- _before,_ he did.

But now the attention feels _asphyxiating_ _,_ and he doubts he can deal with it for much longer. And even if he could, he doesn't _want_ to. He doesn't want to put up with it anymore.

Sasuke steps in front of him, soundlessly crouches down until they are meeting eye to eye and waits- waits for him, waits with him.

"You…" It's like being struck down as he pieces the bits together. "Did you just-"

"You seemed like you needed a diversion." Sasuke shrugs, his answer offhanded. "I provided."

Sasuke being apparently willing to help him out of a tight spot should be more astounding, it deserves a reaction far more shocking than he is showing, but his mind is stuck drawing a loop around the last minute, and around the sixteen years he has lived through.

The thoughts are coming in, fast-paced, jumbled, detached, as if they happened to someone else and happened to him solely all at once.

He remembers that man. He remembers being kicked to the curb when he had wandered in his shop just because the colorful display had caught his eye. He remembers himself as a child, sporting bruises on his already marred cheeks, being hauled over the coals for something he had no knowledge of. He remembers it as if it happened only yesterday. The episode had been seared into his memory then, more fodder to feed his nightmares with.

Holding a child accountable for a tragedy that doesn't even _belong_ to them in its entirety.

What a shameful- what a fucking _shameful_ thing to do.

Sometimes, sometimes he wonders about it, _sometimes_ he does. He wonders how these people get by, how they manage to stare back at their reflection in the candor of daylight, how they fall into a peaceful slumber in the dead of the night.

The stranger who had scared him into tears when he was defenseless, now looks at him like he carries gold in both hands. And maybe he disregards the incident entirely, or maybe doesn't even recall it anymore. And wouldn't it be _that_ much worse if this were the case?

"Everyone who hated you is now impressed with you. Isn't that exciting, isn't it what you wanted?" It might even be an attempt at provocation- if it wasn't for Sasuke's cautious, _cautious_ tone, interlaced with a nick of despondency, with a hint of acerbity.

_"No!"_

Naruto finds himself blundering before he can put a lid on the overflowing ire. It's rising and stirring, messing with his head even more. Heaving, hands in his hair, he's pulling, _pulling._ But something underneath the anger threatens to billow out and ruin him, and he's willing to admit to himself that it hurts.

He always wanted to be acknowledged, for everyone around him to recognize that he was more than simply willing to work _hard_ for what he dreamed to accomplish. And with that hopeful, self-absorbed yearning children have, he wanted more than anything else a pat on the back, and he wanted warm words, and he wanted a proud smile for all the effort he put in. For all the endless hours. For the physical pain it brought him. For the blood, the sweat, the tears he spent. But not like this. Not like _this._

"…S-So what-" His inhales-exhales have turned into an irregular pattern, surging out of him in the same way what he wants to say is leaking out. "I'm- I'm just supposed to-"

"Forget about all the shit they put you through because they suddenly decided to turn the other cheek, put you on a pedestal and bask in your presence now that you've saved their sorry asses?" Sasuke keeps going for him, holding his gaze, this time the smallest of opinionated smirks lifting the chariness in his expression.

Naruto is struggling to get his words out, but finds himself wanting to nod along to every single one coming out of Sasuke's mouth even if he feels _wrong_ about it. "…You… you can't just…" Wasted anger, sheathed fury, and it hurts- it _hurts._ "…treat someone like- like _dirt_ for _years_ and then… t-then it's over- then _expect_ it to be over. Just like that." He gasps, shakes his head, breath coming in ragged and shorter, _shorter._ "…It… it doesn't-" He can barely get the hiss out, can barely think, barely feel now, and still feels like his lungs are shrinking up inside of him and his supply of oxygen is running out and-- all this anger _burns._ "…it doesn't work like _that."_

"No." Sasuke whispers, eyes and tone a bit softer, a juxtaposition to his own. "It doesn't."

What manages to catch him off guard the most might be Sasuke agreeing with him, or the threads of sorrow he glimpses beneath his eyes, as if he could _care_ about these fractured parts of his self and life as much as Naruto does.

Sasuke moves his hand, a flick of the wrist that is just for show, and the fabric tears, the cloth falling from his shoulders. And with the weight of it off, Naruto breathes, his lungs expand again.

He takes in air and watches the cloak flaunting this broken title somebody else put on him lying on the ground, crumpled by his feet.

"Naruto." Sasuke begins, quietly so, after the suspended stillness of a couple of dissonant moments.

It takes another few erratic heartbeats for Naruto to avert his swollen, half-lidded eyes, to raise his head enough to look at him. Both crouched, a few feet across them, eye level and standing on the same level, on the same principle, somehow.

"There are people in this life that don't deserve your forgiveness, that never will." Sasuke says, low and resilient, says this importantly. "And it's entirely up to you if in the end you decide to grant it to them. No one else can make this choice for you. And no one else has the right to."

The after effect is immediate, stunning him into wide-eyed silence. This is breaching another subject, a conundrum that runs deeper, that stems farther, so much _farther_ than this. But they don't leap over that gap, not today.

As Sasuke keeps talking, he strings along words in a way that makes sense to him, in a way that doesn't make him feel selfish for harboring resentment and having it amass over the span of all these years, in a way that doesn't push the sorrow back into the cut open wound. And he talks him down from this gnarly precipice of ailing fueled, dormant rage.

And in between the words and their meaning, he wonders if it would have been easier, if Sasuke had known about his pitiful childhood in its pathetic entirety all the way back then, if Sasuke had known about the monstrous entirety of what was sealed into him, and the hate that dictated his life and shaped his ambition since they first met.

He wonders if Sasuke had been there with him through the lowest of the low he has ever been in, through the worst of the worst he has ever been through, if he knew that underneath all these scarred tissues his wounds are still clotting over with a fresh wave of blood, what would have happened then?

And Naruto knows then- he came to the realization a night ago, but the _certainty_ to it sweeps in now—that even when his betrayal burned through fragile layers of skin like nothing else ever had before, even if it still does _now,_ even if he is being stretched hollow in between holding in faults and tossing out blame, he never truly stopped thinking about Sasuke and that first, unsteady step they took as part of a team. As part of something so much bigger than they could ever be. And everything that came next.

He hasn't stopped thinking about it since he first found him sitting on his bed with that thin, arrogant-glazed expression he brandishes like a mask, and with that small, almost playful smirk of his aimed his way.

For the first time, admitting it to himself doesn't hurt quite as much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who managed to hurt their wrist in their sleep and can barely even type right now? Yep, of course it would be this gal right here! …I literally don't know what to say, except, what the actual heck. I'm sorry you awesome people out there, it's the reason why it took so long to get this chapter up, and the other three might be a bit slow-going too, but we'll get there.
> 
> We'll get there…somehow.
> 
> About this chapter- I have to say, I know. I know in canon Naruto is so very forgiving and lets the hate of the villagers run like water after they proclaim him a hero for saving Konoha from Pain… but guess who is **not** okay with that? Yep, surprise surprise, it's me again. Naruto has always just been so good, just so incredibly and overall _good_ , but… I can't imagine having to live through a childhood like that, I just can't, and not have a single shred of anger left? If this is petty, then I'm gonna be pretty darn petty about it, because I just can't take it, I just can't stand people who make mistakes and then don't do _anything_ to take accountability for their wrong doings (fictional and real, _especially_ real).
> 
> Someone has to get angry about it, and I have some leftover anger, so here it is.
> 
> It was really important for me to start off with the nightmare (memory), and end the chapter this way, since the two are very connected. This memory will come up again and again, don't worry it'll definitely be clearer in future chapters. Anyway, this was supposed to be a longer one, but in the end took an almost completely different route and I can't now imagine this as nothing else if not a stand-alone chapter.
> 
> It's definitely meant to be fast-paced and very jumbled and messy, since Naruto right now is… a mess (but hey, aren't we all?)


	19. All That You Rely On And All That You Can Fake Will Leave You In The Morning... But Find You In The Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is that what you tell all the girls?"
> 
> "Only the cute ones."
> 
> Naruto snorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha, yeah, watch me trying my hardest to cram in one last 'light' (and I'm really pushing it with this one since it's gonna be the last for a long while now) moment between Naruto and Sasuke before it all blows up in smoke and flames… this is also the last chapter 'summary' I can have fun with, so bear with me (I love these little summaries way too much I'm so sorry)
> 
> remember when I said (wrote) that Sasuke takes a bit after Deadpool and Gintoki here? well, I sorta changed up their interactions and rewrote this chapter a bunch of times 'cause of reasons and I kinda had Sasuke commenting on the change of pace? just a casual break of the fourth wall, no big deal lol
> 
> …you guys, is it maybe a smidge obvious that Kiba is one of my favorites to write? cause I feel like I'm not being subtle about it at all
> 
> **warning: this chapter deals with symptoms of ptsd** (it's mild but it's there so I felt the need to give a real warning about it)

Naruto is almost bored out of his mind. He is leaning on the -yet to be finished- outer wall surrounding the Red House, with his arms crossed behind his back and leaning most of his weight against them, dully watching handfuls of people as they file in and out of the building when they block his field of vision by walking nearby.

Slightly exasperated, he wonders how long it takes for Sakura to march up to the office, agree to the mission, and get out. The good news is Kiba is going to stick with them for this mission since Sai has been appointed elsewhere.

That doesn't stop him from sighing again, loudly. And a little petulantly. What, he has and deserves the right to complain about long waits.

"Waiting all by yourself?"

The casual question comes floating over through the silent and enclosed disarray his mind is.

Naruto tears his gaze off the lacy and white edged clouds rolling in the river blue sky, only to settle it over on Sasuke, who is standing just a few feet away. He doesn't move from where he is, not even a flinch of surprise, but tilts his head to the side as he looks at him. "Who knows, maybe I was waiting for you."

"Missed me?" Sasuke goads with a small and mirthful smirk.

Naruto feels laughter bubble up in him, he shakes his head. "Sure."

Sasuke clicks his tongue. "Say what you want but I know deep down you like being haunted by me."

Naruto raises a brow at the ridiculousness of that sentence, and at the assertion behind it. "Ah-uh, and how d'you figure that? Did you ask me if I even wanted to be haunted in the first place?"

"I'm not sure that's how it works." Sasuke answers with a short laugh. "If it's any consolation though, you're the only one I want to haunt."

A smile twitches up, Naruto does his best to push it down and lifts his chin in feigned insolence. "Is that what you tell all the girls?"

A cocky grin makes its way onto Sasuke's face and his voice drops to almost a whisper. "Only the cute ones."

Naruto snorts. _'There's that word again.'_ The thought flits through his slightly dizzy mind, but he is unable to place an exact memory to it, and unable to hide his amusement as well. "Gross."

With an answering snicker, Sasuke walks the distance between them. Stopping about a foot short, without giving him time to react at all, he casually places both of his hands on either side of his head, effectively trapping him in place. Naruto has to lift his head the slightest bit to look up at him.

"So. Feel up to giving it a try?"

That… doesn't sound very promising. Or reassuring. "Try _what_ exactly?" Naruto asks, just a _smidge_ preoccupied.

"Touching me." Sasuke says point-blank. Then pauses. "Wait, no- that came out wrong. I swear I wasn't going for anything inappropriate this time, I actually mean it."

Naruto blinks too. Then the words sink in. He starts back a little, flattening himself against the wall. "No thanks." He blurts out super quick. And almost winces at the sheer level of agitation coming through, but the creepy creepy _creepy_ thought of just reaching out and having his hand pass through thin air where solid skin should be… _yikes._ This is going to be one great, ginormous, capital _NO_ from him.

"Oh, c'mon." Sasuke persists, as if reading through his thoughts. "You're not even a little curious?"

Naruto shakes his head coolly and nonchalantly, not quickly and all freaked out. _Nope._ Not even _a little bit._ "Uh, no. Can't say that I am. Really can't say that I am."

"But _I_ am, and my curiosity is definitely enough for both of us!" Sasuke _almost whines._

 _Sasuke,_ acting like a little brat. Naruto pulls another almost-smile through the hazy daze at that, but for the moment he busies himself with craning his neck and pretending to be engrossed in something very conveniently happening right behind Sasuke's back. "Woah, would you look at that. Is a fight just breaking out? Better go and check it now."

"Ah-uh." And of course Sasuke doesn't make any move whatsoever to get out of the position he locked them in.

…his persuasive skills are a bit rusty, he really ought to work a bit more on them.

"Wait. Don't tell me…" Sasuke is suddenly breaking out in a shit-eating grin, drawing just a bit closer. "…you're scared of me now?"

Something snaps inside him at that and he zeroes in on Sasuke right away, meeting his eyes head on, _defiant._

"Like I could _ever_ be scared of you." Naruto whispers on the gust of a breath, a hint challenging.

Sasuke seems taken aback for the first few seconds- which makes Naruto feel a little bit _smug_ of himself, catching Sasuke off guard is a feat in and of itself- then he is pushing away and giving him back his much needed space with one of the most pleased smirks Naruto has ever seen plastered across his face, as if his words were just what he had been hoping to hear.

"I've said it, I'll say it again. You got moxy, kid."

Naruto deadpans, _again._ "Don't call me 'kid', we're only a few months apart." Then he decides to add something he would never have thought to say to _him_ of all people. It's just to spite him a little. "… _Dude."_

Unsurprisingly it doesn't work and Sasuke's smirk only widens. "See what I mean? _Moxy."_

Naruto exhales loudly, trying to seem annoyed. He isn't very successful. Oh well, at least he is keeping at bay the huge smile that for some unknown reason wants to break out and split his face wide open. He blames it on the hot weather.

"I've already seen how you're… untouchable, I don't need to also touch you to prove it." But his curiosity doesn't go dwindling- it's only _increasing_ \- about anything surrounding Sasuke, about everything that he is… and isn't?

 _"I_ am?" Sasuke utters with a bit of flabbergasted echo behind it, eyes studying, nitpicking his reaction. "Seems to me like you're the untouchable one between us."

Naruto's half-lidded eyes spring wide open. Then he is closing them with a suppressed groan, letting his head thump back against the wall. "Don't tell me you're gonna hit me with the philosophical stuff now, because my incoming headache and I would really appreciate if you didn't."

Sasuke huffs a quiet laugh, coming to stand right beside him. "Nah, just making small talk." Then he catches his eye with a cheeky smile. "The 'holier than thou' posturing can wait until next week."

And Naruto finds himself smiling back at him in full kind, just as cheeky and playful.

Naruto feels a little bit like himself right now.

It has Sasuke stopping short. "I..." And doing a double-take. "… was _not_ expecting _that?"_ He all but whips his head away, staring at the ground as he rakes a hand through his hair and whispers to himself in bewilderment. "Wait, wait, wait, wait. I thought we were going with the _slowest-_ of-slows, with the burning-smoldering- _whatever_ tropes out there? Why does it suddenly feel skyrocket fast? What the hell…" He gives a minute shake of the head, bemused. "I guess following the script is something we've never been good at, huh."

"Uh… Sasuke?" Naruto starts cautious, more than just a tad confused. "You're being weird." He states. Then rethinks his statement. "…Well, weirder than usual."

Sasuke remains sort of lost in his own world for a few seconds more. Then he breathes in deep, as if trying to make sense of something inside his head. Backhandedly, he dismisses, "Yeah, it's just a character trait that's gonna stick with me throughout this whole show, that's for sure."

Alright, Naruto has to admit sometimes it used to feel like he and Sasuke were from another dimension altogether with their -at times- worldviews so different they felt poles apart, but this is reaching a whole new level for him, too. His weird behavior, if 'weird' means somewhat the complete opposite of the Sasuke he knew back in his academy/training days, what with the way he has been acting so…

And amidst the strange fog his mind is locked in something clicks.

Sasuke is trying. Naruto is not, but Sasuke is _trying._

He had been trying when he said he wasn't going away. He had been trying when he kept following him everywhere, even when it got hard for Naruto to be in some places. He had been trying when daintily bringing up the issue of eating and even finding a way to trick him into it. He had been trying when he crouched down in front of him, ripped in half a title that haunts him, listened to his stuttered rage and managed to lull it through understanding words. And one way or another has been trying to coax a smile out of him more times than he can count now.

Naruto searches for his eyes as the unexpected feel of gossamer-thin guilt clings to his skin.

"Hey, I…" He falters. "I wanted to…" Unsure of what to say in such an unbelievably absurd situation. What to say to someone who he thought was once the closest friend he had. To someone who, as he ended up finding out years later, is not anymore.

And even so, even now, the sole word that comes to mind without pulling any of its punches is…

"…thanks."

It's quiet, and small, and lacking, and on the cutting edge of _wrong_ , but out of everything this is the more _certain_ he has been in days, and it feels important. Important enough to say out loud.

And if Sasuke had looked surprised before, he seems downright shocked now.

He lets out a chuckle, low and a little scratchy in the back of his throat, and rubs the side of his neck with a heavy hand, in a way Naruto knows- this piece of memory clicks into place now- in a way he _knew_ him to do when Sasuke felt particularly flustered, or found himself on the receiving end of a compliment he didn't know how to contest.

The familiarity of such a gesture brings an undiluted wave of warm nostalgia that washes over Naruto without warning.

"Aren't you just full of surprises? The moment I think I got you figured out…" Sasuke breathes out, the tinge of laughter reverberating through his voice. "Damn, Uzumaki. Warn a guy before you decide to offer a gratuitous heart attack next time."

And despite the _unfamiliarity_ of his behavior, of this set of circumstances, Naruto still feels like smiling. "Why does _you_ having a heart feel like the biggest revelation in all of this?"

And, alright, it is a bit asshol- _ish_ of him to say, but it's without any malice in this occasion.

"Cheeky." Sasuke accuses in jest as he looks over, and his voice is dropping, softer. "I like your cheeky side, you know."

Naruto smiles a little wider, shakes his head. "Whatever you say."

They are fixed in this… strangely friendly, strangely tender patch right now. It's somewhat of a gamble, like it will hurt as soon as they both dig in and press down on it, but neither of them is bent on trying.

And that is when Shikamaru corners him. Well, 'corner' wouldn't be the exact term here, but with the way Naruto finds himself nearly out of options it seems the more accurate.

"…Naruto." Shikamaru stops as soon as he notices him, clearly coming right out of the Hokage's office, a folder in his hand and his expression pinched in his daily state of _bothered._ Maybe even more than usually so. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Sakura-chan." Naruto answers absent-mindedly. He is about to make idle conversation, but his friend seems more insistent on wanting to begin one of his own.

Shikamaru starts with a sigh, raising one hand to his temple, thumb rubbing below his brow as if in attempt to steer a looming headache. "Look, I know this is a stressful moment for you. And it's bound to happen, common things like being unable to focus or even talking to yourself-"

Naruto cuts in with a huff. "I don't talk to myself."

"Guess that's what it looks like from an outsider's perspective." Sasuke mutters, somehow sounding a little less high-spirited than before. "You know what, the whole 'make the best of it with what you've got' is starting to sound really tempting right now. I bet I could freak some people out real _bad_ like that."

Not wanting to, while also absolutely _itching_ to witness first hand just how crazed people's reactions could be at that, Naruto feels a bit torn at having to be the voice of reason. "Don't you dare." He mutters back… although only half-serious, and is met with a feeble smirk but no resistance.

"See, you're doing it again." Shikamaru points out, steering his attention away.

"No, I-" Naruto halts. He _has_ sort of come to terms with the factuality that being able to… _see_ Sasuke is something he doesn't want to have to explain- again, not like he even _could._ And as of late _doesn't_ even want to have to share with anyone else. He glances to the side with an annoyed exhale. "…nevermind."

On his end Sasuke is quiet. An ireful kind, almost, as if on his behalf, as if at the effort it took to manage to put Naruto in a good headspace, only to have someone else sour it up.

And souring it goes.

"Why are you even waiting out here instead of going in like everyone else does?" Shikamaru asks next, the question cutting his tone a little too bluntly.

From his peripheral, Sasuke tenses. Something cold and harrowing flits across his countenance. Or maybe that is solely in Naruto's imagination; because it's how he feels at the moment.

Naruto's breath leaves his lungs in a winded exhale. Stepping out of his eased position against the wall, he steps forward. And feels the blood pumping aggressively inside his ears, inside his temples, drowning out the rest. "And what's that to you?" His voice has gone colder.

"What's that to 'me?'" Shikamaru repeats with a scorning lilt. "What's gotten into you?"

For some reason Sasuke sees this as his cue to step in. "I'd normally be up any good old tug of war, but word of possibly-ill advice? This is a crossfire you might not want to get yourself caught up in."

But Naruto is over that point.

Shikamaru doesn't back down, eyes narrowing in the beginnings of a glare, and when he breaks the stare-off it's only for a moment to scoff under his breath. "I thought you were past this already."

Air fizzes out, his vision flashes for a split second. Anger, but it's not dry- this anger is thick with blood, clotting over itself.

"Naruto-" Sasuke's voice sounds louder behind him, much more urgent now. "Don't-"

His hands curl into fists, nails bite into his skin. Shikamaru is still talking, but Naruto can barely, _barely_ make out what is being said when all he hears is the blood rushing in his ears.

"-think that justifies not wearing your hitai-ate since-"

His arm shakes, his shoulder draws back. Naruto is about to raise his fist. Naruto is about to-

"Yo!"

Kiba, _bless_ him and his timely ability to barge right in at the wrong moments, comes jogging up to them. He throws a heavy arm around Naruto's shoulders, the weight of it grounds him in place.

With a punched out breath, as madly as it came, the rage dissolves. His shoulders sag with it, his lungs empty from it, and Naruto is staring down at his feet as his hand falls spread open and limp by his side.

Kiba staves him away, away from Shikamaru, away from the frightening ice simmering in his lungs, and Naruto lets him, Naruto lets himself get pulled back and takes a shallow breath in.

"I've got to borrow this knucklehead, _stat._ We've got a tricky one ahead so 'scuze us."

The additional voice of his best friend breaks through the maze he lost himself in, fully snapping him out of his mind.

Unquestionably reading the action for what it is, Shikamaru responds with an impassive shake of the head, one lingering stare and then he is walking away with a worn sigh and no words in return.

"Come on, let's go." Kiba says slowly, cautiously dragging him to walk away and walk off the remnants of his still settling nerves.

Kiba keeps an arm around his shoulders, plainly reading the tension mapping out across his face, if not feeling it along the tense line of his shoulders.

"Was he giving you a hard time with one of his 'lectures?'" He jokes with a bit of a smile, but his tone is heedful.

Naruto raises his shoulders in dismissal as best as he can with the strong bicep confining his movements. "...not really." Predicting what his next question will be, he is quick to add. "M'fine."

Kiba looks at him fixedly for a few seconds longer, and finally relents with a sigh. "…If you say so."

Naruto lets go of the breath he hadn't known to be holding in until that moment, and his eyes stray away, searching for Sasuke. But he's gone. The notion drives something akin to disappointment in his gut, but it runs deeper than that.

Sakura reaches them in that exact moment, holding a few papers in one hand while she adjusts something inside the medical pouch strapped to her waist with the other. "Alright, okay, we've got everything we need. Sorry for taking so long, we're ready to go now-" Of course she notices something amiss right away- Naruto hasn't had time smooth out his frown and wipe the weariness off of his expression yet. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing much, we were just having a little chat with Shikamaru." Kiba answers with a tense smile.

Sakura reads the words and expressions for what they are and slowly lets out a heavy breath, as if she knew something of the like would happen. Gently, she squeezes his arm in that affectionate, motherly way Naruto knows only her to do. "He doesn't mean it, don't take it personally. You know Shikamaru can sometimes be a bit… zealous when it comes to matters of duty."

"Try workaholic shmorkaholic." Kiba mumbles, annoyed. "He complains about deadlines being too tight all the time and then gets on everyone else's ass about _theirs."_

Sakura looks like she wants to roll her eyes, but doesn't contest his words that much. "He doesn't do it _all the time."_ She steals a glance at Naruto, choosing her next words more carefully. "But the workload is stressing him out more than usual."

"Yeah, it's stressing _everyone!_ But I don't remember any of us trying to pick fights about it." Kiba ends up grumbling towards the end, which makes Naruto give in to a faint smile.

"I know. It's fine, really." He finally mumbles in answer, gently elbowing Sakura before starting to walk. "So, we're going or what? This mission isn't gonna check itself out of our to-do list." And for once he looks forward to it, no matter how much of a waste of time it ends up being, having Sakura and Kiba there is more than enough to put him in higher spirits.

"You got that right."

Kiba says a little more enthusiastically and follows suit, Sakura falls into step too.

"Hold up, the dream team is back in action and coming through." Kiba announces out loud, even if literally no one is standing in their way, as he walks in between him and Sakura and throws his arms around the both of them.

"I'd rather have Akamaru in this 'dream team.'" Sakura huffs teasingly.

"Those are words you'll live to regret when you're gonna miss my captivating presence in the next mission, princess."

She pats his shoulder in faux amiability. "Save the nicknames for your future sweetheart, noodle arms."

Kiba gapes at her. Outraged. Then turns to gape at Naruto. Still outraged. And Naruto pairs an unimpeachable smile with an innocent shrug.

"You say that now. But you'll be sorry once I find my future, beautiful wife and you both won't get invited at our amazing wedding.

Sakura nods with a gracious smile. "Oh. I will definitely be… sorry for her, that is."

Naruto tries and fails to contain a laugh. "Burn." He whispers under his breath.

Kiba shakes his head from side to side, offended. "I guess this team really winded up being just a dream after all."

Sakura smothers down the chuckle his comment startles out of her while Naruto throws an arm around his shoulders too, over Sakura's own, and pulls him closer with a huge grin across his face as he teases. "Awh, don't be like that, man. You know your noodly little arms are the only arms for me."

"Awww, you're such a mushy little shit." Kiba pretends to blink tears away as he also pats him on his shoulder once, hard. "It's okay, man. I love you too, man."

Naruto holds back a wince and pats back just as hard, mindful of Sakura. "Thanks, man. Glad we got this sorted out, man." He continues just as teasingly before his innocuous smile turns a little puckish. "So this means you'll let me keep Akamaru every other day now?"

Kiba deadpans. "Don't push it now, my love isn't _that_ magnanimous."

Naruto clicks his tongue and slips out of the hold. "I take back what I just said. We're through. I'm finding a new pair of noodle arms, _stat."_

 _"Sabotage!"_ Kiba gasps out, loud and dramatic and with an absurd accent to match, making a few heads spin in their direction at the unfolding antics. "You'll never find anyone else with arms like me you jackass!"

"Yeah, that was the plan dickhead!" Naruto yells from a few feet away as he sets off in a sprint, Kiba hot on his tail.

They run ahead like little kids, chasing one another as they simultaneously try to tackle and escape each other's clutches mid guffaws.

Sakura smiles at them from a little ways behind, shaking her head with an infinite amount of fondness. "Boys."

* * *

* * *

They set up camp early once more. The occasional crackle of the fire lights in its flickering hue the arrival of the evening shadows whilst Sakura is scouring the perimeter and Kiba has been fighting sleep since noon, amid jabs and teasing remarks the three of them are far from being bored.

Naruto is currently lying on his back, arms cushioning the back of his head, and listening to the living nature surrounding him from all sides and angles, breathing in the smell of burning wood and the dampness in the air; it soothes him. Thoughts swirl inside his head as a swirl of smoke dissipates into the slowly darkening treetops, into the blanket of starless sky above.

He could spend weeks just like this, more than that even. This breather from the wonted, mundane day-to-day leaves him with a semblance of contentment.

Konoha has become… _stifling._

The attention people regard him with is _stifling._ Everything in and out of its context is so exhaustively _stifling._

He didn't want to- _still_ doesn't want to admit it to himself. That the place he grew up in, the place that holds (held) his home, in his mind has long since turned into weaponry (munition to a destructive force as life force fights out of him).

"…Naruto?" The sleepy slur of his name comes from a few feet above him. "You good, man?"

Naruto flinches slightly. He almost always forgets, Kiba can be so surprisingly perceptive at the worst of times.

"...Yeah." He lets out in a breath, already knowing he won't be believed. He shifts a little, trying to glimpse him through the fluttering flames. "I thought you were sleeping."

"Nuh-uh. Am totally awake." Kiba mumbles through a yawn, clearly still grappling with the vestiges of slumber. "What's up?" Comes the foreseeable question soon after. But the intention behind it is nothing but unobtrusive sincerity, putting physical distance in a forward line that won't get crossed- he won't push this if Naruto is not ready to out with it.

Because Kiba has always been like this, unlike Sakura, who needs to get to the root of the issue and exterminate it, who needs to be able to hold on to priceless control at all times, who is willing to bare the full weight of it herself and get hurt in the process if it means it will stop harming her loved ones. Kiba is willing to grant time to time and space to space instead, he never pries further than he should, never risks it until it finally comes to the 'bend or break' kind of deal, even if it means being left in waiting without an answer in sight. And truth be told, while Naruto admires both, this quality of Kiba is in the end what he is a bit more envious of. And it's what gets him to talk, even if only a little.

"I…" The sky ahead changes, unrelenting, its darkness reflecting in his eyes. A frown slowly twists his features. "...had a nightmare."

Which is not the uncondensed truth, but there is _not_ a singular line of lies tied in there.

The _pathetic_ rings vociferously in his head the way it did in the dark glimpse of that dawn. And for a single moment his face burns with the shameful, shrewd cognition of how much this truth cuts.

Kiba, who wouldn't be able to hide his caring side if it could save his own life, is instantly more alert, holding himself up on his elbows and blinking the tired daze out of his eyes. "A nightmare?"

"Not today." He clarifies. "It was…" _When_ was it? A day ago? Two days ago? Three? Five? Maybe more than that, but he doesn't remember now. "...a few days ago."

A pause, the careful consideration of what to say next. Lately his friends seem to do this often around him.

"Are you okay?"

"I…" He falters, at a loss. Then, as if with a mind of its own, the memory is shoved out of him. "...It was about the hospital." His teeth clench behind his dry lips, pressed in a narrow line of spiteful, coated anger. "When Kakashi-sensei… when he had been…"

He didn't notice he sat up in the middle of his recounting, Kiba has also pulled himself to hunch over, scooting closer. But Naruto isn't looking his way, his eyes have fallen down to his open hands in his lap, almost level with the ground. He stares at the lines creasing his palms as if they could hold all the answers he so desperately needs.

"Hey, now." Kiba tries, voice growing soft with considerate understanding. "He's fine, you saw him at the dinner. I'd even say he's definitely feeling better than ever." He squeezes his shoulder in an offering of comfort. "It's all over. We're fine now."

 _'I know.'_ Naruto wants to say back to such a gospel truth. ' _I know that we're okay now and that it's supposed to get better from here and that I should be fine with that.'_ He wants to say it. He wants to. But he _can't._

The words jangle in his head, to the point where he can't let much of anything else out but the hitch of his breath. "...It's just…"

It takes a second too long to realize that Kiba is pulling him in next, holding him tight as his chin comes to rest upon his shoulder.

Tears well in his eyes. And for a _stifling_ moment Naruto feels more exhausted, hopeless and alone than he has felt… in a long while now.

"I know." Kiba whispers, one hand just below his neck, the other one spread across his back. Hurt laces his voice. "I know."

* * *

* * *

(But he doesn't. He is _trying_ so _hard_ to get it. But he doesn't… no one does. No one else ever could except for…

…well, it doesn't matter anymore.)

* * *

* * *

It happens when they are trekking back to Konoha. They are just _so_ close to being back at the village, and uninvited guests grab that chance and intrude in their peaceful corner.

The strangers don't seem interested in having a talk, what they are interested in is their belongings, and so they say. But it's three against two, their opponents don't seem overly skilled, it should be child's play.

Kiba cracks his knuckles. "Yeah, I needed a workout today."

One of them sneers in mocking. "Think a brat like you can take us on?"

Sakura seems more nettled than anything, her fine eyebrows pinch together in impatience. "Let's make this quick, I've got a shift tonight and I don't want to miss it."

Kiba sports a bit of a fierce grin as he takes the first step forward. "And you've got two new patients coming right _up,_ doc." And throws himself right at them.

Among the collision, and the unabated assail from both Kiba and Sakura, a few stolen goods end up slipping out of the thieves' clutches. Naruto is unmoving still, but his eyes gingerly follow the tumble of a fragile bottle as it instantly shatters upon contact with the hard, unforgiving ground and expensive liquor trickles out of its refined and broken confines. Time slows down as the dark stain of alcohol seeps into the unmarred patch of grass and earth below and-

_-there was so much blood that day._

And suddenly the scene before his eyes is muting.

Hinata rests on the cold, unforgiving ground as scarlet trickles from her hands, down her slim fingers, between the folds of her knuckles. Dappled in the thick viscosity, the unmarred inches of her skin look ivory and snow white, a horrific contrast to the deep crimson so vivid it seems charcoal. Iron and earth clog his nostrils as he fights to heave a breath, his throat raw from the screams.

Forever burnt in his mind she lies, motionless; ethereal. Her delicate lips parted a hair's breadth away, but no air could reach past anymore.

He thought… he had thought that… that she too had-

-so _much blood-_

Naruto jerks away with a suffocated gasp, as if scorched by the physicality of the memory drawn in front of his eyes.

He realizes he has fallen to the ground, trying to put distance from the crimson stain as it grows, as it _taints._

But being so caught up, even when the memory fades he fails to catch movement right in front of him, at the feet of the enemy. And then he is catching the brunt of the blow.

The force behind the kick sends him lurching back without resistance, leaving the side of his face smarting in rippling pain as a strangled cry tears out of him from the confines of his throat.

"Naruto!"

Sakura's worried shout goes unheard as his hand draws unconsciously quick up to his left cheek, over his closed eyelid, putting pressure where it hurts the most. Iron is all he can taste, in all its revolting tanginess, dribbling out of the corner of his mouth.

He doesn't fight back.

He could wipe away the traces of blood. Spit it out, get to his feet and meet the blows head on, just like he did that night, at first, when facing a gang on his own.

But this is the complete opposite of it. He wasn't on the lookout for any diversion to escape his mind- he had not been looking for _anything_ this time. Subsequently, he doesn't find a single shred of power inside that wills him to fight back.

All he has is the suppressed sample of fear as it climbs back up his throat. All he has is the frozen painting of Hinata lying bloodied and still that his mind pictures like a ragged corpse… and everything… that happened prior… to that-

And then Naruto realizes he isn't breathing anymore.

The sickening stab of dread has him holding onto air; his lungs burn. Everything does.

His head jolts in frantic but subdued motions, he is looking from one side to the other, eyes wide and unseeing, the panic rising and rising- he wants to push through it, to scream for it to stop, but it's not- it's _not._ His fingers dig into the earth, the blades of grass scratch at his pulse points and up the gauzy skin of his wrists, the totality of his muscles are quivering in faded remembrance.

An airless bleat makes it past his bloody lips in a desperate, punched out exhale.

And then Sasuke is taking up his field of vision.

"Hey."

His voice is lenient and steady, his eyes are undimmed in the dying light of the afternoon- it's the only amount of information his battered mind is capable of taking in.

"Breathe with me here, okay?" Sasuke is asking next, with that same intonation.

Naruto fails to grasp the simple meaning of his words at first. His teeth are clenched. His fingers dig deeper down the ground, his nails catch the rough dryness of it.

"Naruto, breathe with me."

He says it so simply, as if it's something Naruto can even think about doing right now when _everything_ is just so…

But Sasuke keeps his composure even now, even if Naruto is losing his at full tilt. He keeps on keeping on. He keeps breathing deeply, in and out, showing him in a way that almost looks easy, almost looks _doable,_ in and out. In and out.

"It's okay, just breathe through it."

And then his lungs are bursting with it, his lips are opening in a suffocated gasp. He breathes.

Naruto breathes with him, mirrors the steadfast rise and fall of his chest, mouth falling open and close to let out the precious air he is taking in.

He doesn't register much after that. It gets quiet, real quiet abruptly, almost making it feel like someone is holding their hands over his ears, not letting anything else trickle in, or out.

Sakura and Kiba are kneeling by his side next. He registers his careful hand on his back as it steadies him. He registers the warm glow of her emerald chakra as it washes over his skin. But he barely registers what he is being told, barely registers the hushed syllables he murmurs back. His mind is too frazzled after, too disconnected.

* * *

Kiba stares at the apartment complex across from him, at the door Naruto just disappeared inside. Words reel in his head and a memory surfaces back.

**.**

**.**

**.**

He takes a seat next to Ino, glass half full in his hand. The chatter had dwindled just a bit as a few people were digging into the delicious dishes in front of them, a few others hanging back and mingling. He stares at Naruto who is sitting across from him and laughing about something with Sakura and Kakashi.

"You know," He begins without much of a preamble. "I thought he wouldn't be up for a celebration after…" Kiba lets the sentence hang in the air, not feeling up to fully breach such a sore topic. He nods towards Naruto. "But he's doing better."

Ino's face creases with worry lines as she tenses beside him, carefully placing down her half emptied glass. Her tone is interlaced with apprehensive concern when she speaks. "No. He's not." The whisper seems to raise louder, imprinting itself into the very air with the weight it carries. "He is not doing better."

Kiba frowns at the abrupt shifting in her expression, at her unerring words. "What do you mean?"

Ino doesn't answer at first. She takes to casting a lonely glance at Naruto. "…Kiba, listen." Then she turns to gaze at him with a sorrow so deeply rooted it could be nothing if not familiar to her, as if she is experiencing the depths of it all over again. "…about Naruto… he…"

With the next words she whispers, his eyes gradually grow wider and his mouth falls open. The glass in his hold makes a dull sound as it slips out of his slackened grip, and next to her half empty glass it goes, emptying too.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Kiba turns to look at Sakura who is standing right beside him, her eyes fixed in his same direction. He wonders if he should let her know too… but decides against it in the end. Something this… upsetting is bound to come up eventually, and it will, sooner rather than later.

He hangs his head in exhaustion, and can almost see Naruto in front of him, just like hours ago, shaking like a leaf, stricken with terror, staring down at his hands as if can see nothing but the blood covering them. And he latches on to what he has seen, what he has known for a while now and calls out to her, and even if Sakura doesn't shift a muscle he knows she is listening.

"It's like he doesn't know how to fight anymore." He mutters lowly, upset, fists clenched so tightly by his sides it's astonishing he isn't drawing any blood from his skin.

"No." Sakura denies gently in a saddened murmur, gaze softening as it lands on his resigned form. Her eyes are gloom with dull hopelessness, reflecting his own.

Then she quietly corrects him.

"…It's like he has lost all the fight he had left in him."

* * *

Naruto doesn't even know how he managed to mumble his way out of Sakura's hyper-concerned care and Kiba's worried silence, but it's nothing short of a miracle he has been left on his own.

It's a whirlwind around him as he enters his apartment. As he locks himself inside the bathroom and staggers inside his bathtub, stiff fingers clumsily pressing along the wall. The water rains on him in a waterfall of ice, soaking his clothes as they quickly plaster against his skin. He is rasping out breath after breath.

He is a cluster of flashes and echoes as they coil at the base of his stomach, imbuing his head.

Naruto turns, his shoulders catch the firmness of the wall. Then he is sliding against it.

An unexpected sob is choking out of him. He quickly covers his mouth with the back of his forearm, trying to will it away as the relentless pounding of the water doesn't let up.

The thoughts stretch hollow, their edges blur together.

It kept building and building. The visit at Kakashi, the encounter with Ino, the talk with Iruka, the dinner with Sakura, the conversation with Shikamaru, all the moments spread in between. And it's still building. It's a reverse avalanche that will end up ploughing right into him.

Naruto sits curled up, with his back pressed against the inner, upward curve of the bathtub and the wall. His scalp burns, but his fingers keep pulling at the wet strands of his hair and he has trouble breathing. The water is freezing, to the point where it starts burning the exposed inches of his skin, and as the shaking grows, so does the despair, coursing through his body like a livewire.

And then he notices he is not alone.

Sasuke sits down by the floor, back pressed against the bathtub, one elbow resting over his raised knees.

"…W-What-" He can barely speak through the alarm stammering his speech, can barely think through it. "…what are you d-doing?"

"Keeping you company." Sasuke replies in a calm hush, turning to look at him with a nod of kindness and a hint of regret. "I just don't think you should be alone right now."

He turns back again, fixing his lidded stare up to the ceiling, almost blankly so.

"I-I…" But Naruto has nothing to offer to that.

"Take your time." Sasuke lets out in a low exhale. "It's okay."

Naruto stares at him, stares at the back of his head, at the line of his neck, at the slump of his shoulders. As if Sasuke is something anchored, a safe port he can fix himself on while the rest falls. He chokes out a breath, not even sure if he is crying or if it's only the frigid flood trailing down his cheeks and meeting below his chin, dripping cold and disappearing down the drain.

In the bleak emptiness of the four walls, his shallow breathing and the unremitting flow of water are the only things that make sound.

True to word, Sasuke stays throughout it all, until the worst of the fright begins ebbing away.

And when Sasuke speaks again it's in a breath, but his voice seems to resonate in the chaotic stillness enveloping them. "I know you're trying to protect yourself. But you're just hurting yourself in the process."

The talks they have had throughout the days have stuck with him at times, almost incessantly so. But this one in particular sticks in a way that almost sets him off again.

"When it hits…" Sasuke continues in a whisper, jaw a sharp and tense line, back facing him, not meeting his eyes. "…it's going to hurt."

Naruto can't even begin to hope understanding what that might mean.

But all the same, the meaning of it is slowly embedding into the overloaded blankness of his mind, sinking in a web of widening fissures, cracks that sear emptiness into him, without enough layers of skin to stall the burn. And still, the worst is yet to come.

A storm that has been brewing on the horizon is ticking its days away before it hits, it's a spiral, a time bomb. Either waiting to be defused... or explode all around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's interesting in a sad and horrible kind of way how people who care about and look out for us, and at times even complete strangers, try to warn us about what they have gone through in their own lives so we don't have as much of a hard time as they did when it hits us, just because they want to spare us of some of the pain they felt or are still feeling on their own skin, without getting anything in return for it but simple words of gratitude, and sometimes even those lack. My memory isn't all that great, but I will never forget this moment in high school when at the top of a flight of stairs everyone else was just going about their business, my teacher took me aside and told me something along the lines of what Sasuke said to Naruto at the end of this chapter. Back then I didn't have the slightest clue what she was talking about, only later her every word turned out to be true. I just wanted to find a way to include this in my story.
> 
> anyway [I bet this is you guys @ me rn for this chapter](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dvVqeNfNS2s) no I'm not crying, I just have a tree in my eye


	20. One Foot In The Golden Life; One Foot In The Gutter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thought of a dead man hangs heavily in the back of Naruto's mind.
> 
> \--
> 
> "Don't tell me I need to remind you now that between the two of us _I_ am the _unhinged_ one? Not you? _You_ don't kill people, Naruto."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **warning:**
> 
> **somewhat graphic descriptions of violence**

It's a _bad_ day.

Naruto is walking ploddingly down the street with an almost stunted gait, paying too much attention in the way he puts each foot forward, feeling even the slightest of maneuvers his whole body is subjected to. In his head he is leaning too forward, then backwards far too much, even if his torso is ramrod straight, but it's all wrong. The slightest twist of his hips, the stretch of his legs, the small lurches accompanying every step, the rise and fall of his sternum that is growing less steady by the minute, the way he is trying to control every single motion; cataloguing each superfluous information up in his addled brain, only adding to the self-conscious, uncomfortable bubble enveloping him.

An eerie type of calm has set in, settled deep beneath his bones.

Naruto feels about ten seconds away from a panic attack.

Way ahead, two shinobi he has seen around catch his wavering attention, the overlapping of two missions has them engaged in an animated discussion.

"I can take it out of your hands, if you want." Naruto offers. It takes a jiff for his brain to kick in, realize he has walked the distance up to them and even opened his mouth to talk.

The two exchange a surprised look, then eye him with twin eager expressions.

"Wait, seriously?"

"Are you really sure?"

"Yeah, I'm done with my ch-" He stops himself before he jabbers out 'chores of the day', not knowing how that would make him come across, probably wouldn't paint him in that great of a light. "-load for the day anyway."

Their grins are practically blinding as they clap him on the back and show their gratitude, oblivious to how miserably Naruto is in need of any distraction he can get his hands on.

"Thank you so much!"

"Man, to think we'd get a ticket out of a tight spot by the savior himself!"

The corner of Naruto's mouth tugs up. Beneath the unnatural calm, the panic is just rising.

* * *

He leaps through the forest, momentarily numb-minded with the absorbing thought of a low-level mission, blinking up ahead with vision slightly unfocused.

A pained wail rips the air without warning.

Naruto draws to a halt straight ahead, breath hitching in his lungs. It takes at least five seconds for him to focus, suddenly hyperaware of the thick foliage and undergrowth confining him.

When he takes off in the given direction, the sturdy branch he was standing upon breaks beneath his strength.

* * *

It's a matter of whistling minutes before he finds the owner of the pained voice.

The woman is kneeling on the ground, draped over the body of her companion. A curtain of sandy hair sticks wetly to a countenance stricken in sorrow, she is matted in blood up to her elbows. But it's not her own, he realizes.

On the ground a man lies still. The sclera of his eyes is criss-crossed in liquid carmine, pupils thin and sooty. And unseeing.

 _"Who did this?"_ Naruto is asking, so low he can't even hear himself, let alone recognize his own voice through the nauseous wave of swelling rage.

* * *

He is running at breakneck speed, bordering on inhuman. His eyes flash, his vision is streaked in a violent sea of crimson.

For a split second Naruto is able to _think,_ mind clearer than it has been in months.

His feet hit the ground so fast the wind nicks at his skin. A mesh of sweltering colors looms in his eyesight, the scenery is a muted turbulence wherever and everywhere he looks, but he is hyperfocused in on the coward running off thirty feet away.

The man is high on frightened adrenaline. His shaky form is disappearing through the low branches and dense underbrush. Every few seconds he cranes his head back in jerky motions to see if he has lost him yet.

But Naruto is only gaining ground, not letting up even an inch.

The sight of the two strangers is seared in his mind, fueling his pace. And the distance between them shortens.

He gets close enough to reach, fingers extending forward, grazing fabric.

Then he pulls.

The man topples backward, until he is landing on the ground with a grunted shout, startling a few animals nearby.

Not sparing him time to get a hold of himself, Naruto drags the man through the brittle, dry foliage like a corpse.

Blunt nails dig through his hand and wrist as the man tries to claw himself free, but it's no use.

The rage has reached a boiling point inside him and all Naruto can see is the crying woman stricken with anguish, and at her feet the man lying bloodied, dea-

The _crack_ resounds throughout the forest. But it's nothing compared to the scream that tears out of the man's throat at the snap of bone. His elbow is now bent at an unnatural angle.

Naruto doesn't stop.

The forest seems to fill up with the anguish imprinted in his vision, fills to the brim with loss.

The thought of a dead man hangs heavily in the back of Naruto's mind.

At some point the stranger starts begging to be let go of. Promising any amount of money back, anything he can think of Naruto might want from him. But the one thing he wants can't be brought back. Naruto doesn't let his grip falter, instead it only hardens.

Until the wrist of the man is shattering in his hand.

Naruto can feel bits of bones, now unaligned, pressing against his palm.

He grits his teeth. It's not _enough._ It's not nearly enough for the unfathomable amount of pain he caused.

Naruto twists his grip and the bone breaks further at the elbow. It tears through muscle and ligaments and skin, puncturing open a gaping wound.

The heavy scent of iron seems to invade the forest itself, it climbs up his nostrils and the back of his mouth as it sticks like glue to the disfigured arm, dripping down Naruto's fingers still seized around the broken, swollen wrist.

Another drag and the arm pops clean out of its socket, the high-pitched cries of tortured pain increase in volume.

Naruto feels a sick kind of satisfaction coiling in the pit of his stomach, churning with the agony surging in the shrill voice of the murderer and across his distressed face.

At his elbow, the ends of the fractured bone peak through the torn skin in glimmering dots of white as the thickness of the blood pours in thin rivulets down to the ground. The expression marring the man's face is now frozen in anguished shock, almost matching the woman's Naruto found.

Just another pull and his forearm will rip off his body.

Naruto tightens his grip further, feeling the wrist almost turn to a pulp in his grasp. The hand hangs limp, fingers rigid, shaking. The man is only capable of whimpering stifled, suffering gasps now. A string of saliva trails from his gaping mouth to his rough, scratched cheekbone. Tears flow freely down the bridge of his crooked nose.

Naruto glares daggers into the terrified, half-lidded eyes, clearly battling through a fading consciousness. And yanks-

Only to have his hand pried wide open as he is suddenly slammed back against the bark of a tree.

The impact is not painful, but he is locked in place from head to toe, suspended half a foot off the ground by seemingly… nothing.

"What do you think you're doing?"

_Sasuke._

Naruto lifts his head hastily, only to find Sasuke standing a few feet away, watching him with eyes narrowed in what almost appears to be disappointment.

He forgoes replying, if anything his silence is telling.

Naruto doesn't know how it is even possible, but Sasuke is clearly someway responsible for the reason why he is currently hovering above the earth. He tries to break out of the presumably invisible barrier, but it's no use. Not only is he immobilized, but the strength with which he is being kept in place is perceivable- a couple dozen piles of walls made of steel would be a downright joke to break through compared to _this._

"…Let me go." He demands through gritted teeth, riled up after a few moments more of wasted effort.

"So you can finish the job? I don't think so." Sasuke spares an almost pitying glance at the man lying on the ground, just as his frightened, watery eyes lock with Naruto's one last time before rolling to the back of his head, and he passes out in place. "It'll take some voodoo kinda surgery for him to even be able to move that arm again from the looks of it."

"So what." Naruto is blurting out before he can stop himself, the intrusive overfamiliarity of hate infused in his voice.

Sasuke turns back to him and pauses, enough to scrutinize him. "You're going to kill him?" He asks, quietly, composed. Far too composed for the situation at hand, much to Naruto's chagrin.

"He killed someone." He breathes in tight-lipped wrath.

Sasuke tilts his head a fraction, voice dropping just as much. "And are you the one who gets to decide he doesn't deserve to live anymore?"

The rage is building back up, twice over.

"Stay out of this." Naruto adds through the fizzy static in his brain, louder now.

"Why? God has given you the green card to choose between life and death now? I wasn't aware." Sasuke continues in contemptuous sarcasm.

"He deserves it." Naruto spits out in barely restrained outrage. A vein in his temple is pulsing hotly. Heat is creeping up the back of his neck, inside his gut.

"Yeah, maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't deserve a second chance at life." Sasuke says with a steely level of detachment. "But you're not the one who gets to make that decision."

Anger slams down on Naruto like a brick wall and his voice is rising in volume. "Just stay out of this."

His mind is clouding up again.

"And let you have a free go at killing?" Sasuke's gaze is sharp and settled as he takes a step towards him, a determined resolve spreads across his features. "You're not a murderer."

The word has him drawing back to himself instinctively.

Naruto flinches. _Hard._

The fog inside his mind cuts splittingly clear and the whistle of blood rushing in his eardrums is piercing. The taste in his mouth turns to acid and for the split of a second horror replaces the lifeblood streaming in his veins.

Then disappears without trace.

Naruto blinks back to himself, and at the statement echoing inside his head and with the aggression returning, he feels like laughing in his face.

"Oh 'cause you know me so _well_ now."

Bitten out of this mouth, the words taste every little bit as a _ccusing_ as three years and a half of suppressed and repressed and invalidated defeat can.

Sasuke's eyes widen slightly, almost comically, and his voice grows a little higher as he takes another step forward. "Don't tell me I need to remind you now that between the two of us _I_ am the _unhinged_ one? Not you? _You_ don't kill people, Naruto. You _don't._ Is that even physically and mentally and emotionally possible for a goody two shows like you? I mean, you're a strait-laced do-gooder to a fucking fault! And you believe in peace and second chances and happiness and all that flashy bullshit!" Despite his heated demeanor, his tone differs from the harshness of it, there's more of a contradicting mellow-panicky quality to it, as if he can't believe his own ears.

"He _deserves it."_ Vitriol instead takes over Naruto's words, over his voice; a bitter means to a loathsome end.

Sasuke keeps up. "But you're not a _murderer."_

Naruto doesn't flinch this time, but his jaw hurts with how hard he is keeping it clenched.

"Let. Go." He punctuates with a couple of stilted shoves in place.

"Not until you've calmed down."

Naruto does just about the _opposite._

"Didn't you see what he did!?" He is shouting now. Specks of light and dark sway in front of his eyes with how worked up he is getting over the matter. "Didn't you see he- he took him away- took him away from her- from them!" His inhales and exhales morph to stuttering and rugged, there is not nearly enough oxygen to seize his emptying lungs. "He can't just keep- he deserves to-"

Sasuke cuts in smoothly with razor-sharp precision.

"Are we still talking about the same person here?"

Naruto's head snaps up and he freezes as their eyes lock.

The sick satisfaction that had coiled in the pit of his stomach now turns into an ugly shade of ash gray. A lifeless gray he can touch, he can feel, he can see.

Sasuke's answering smirk is somewhat amenable, somewhat repentant.

His teeth clamp together behind his lips, pressing thin and whiting. Naruto turns his head away, avoiding his eyes.

"If God's the game that you're playing, well, we must get more acquainted then. 'Cause I've got a bunch of real pressing matters I'd like to ask the old man. So should I do that through you now since you've appointed yourself as the apparent messenger?"

Sasuke speaks much more quietly now, yet the bitterness interlaced in his voice sounds far too deafening between the two of them.

"No, you know what, scratch that, I've been asking for years and years and _years_ and never gotten anything back. I'd like to particularly ask why life turned into such a shit show. You've obviously got to have some kind of nerve to disappear right as it all goes to hell, don't you? Leaving in the eye of the storm, when everything is falling apart… and leaving behind a kid who doesn't know how to fix or put back together any of it."

The clipped tone Sasuke speaks in, the meaning hidden and disclosed behind it, it brings a tidal wave of pain that Naruto isn't up to face. But when the pain reaches its peak, it slowly gets swallowed up, and the next thing he knows he is hissing out a silent growl.

"…I told you…to _stay out of this."_

A blazing draft of air rises from the ground, so violent the embedded roots of the tree he is held against snap like twigs, and the earth quakes below the sheer force that is taking over.

His vision flashes once more- in his mind's eye he sees scorching, crimson chakra simmering to the surface, about to envelop him.

Sasuke doesn't move a muscle, eyes steady and fixed on him all the while, not even a wince betrays his composure.

"..Nnh…" Naruto shudders from the quiescent power he feels stirring, twining inside and outside of himself, his shoulders draw up to his ears and his eyes slip shut. "… _no…"_ He barely manages a suppressed groan, tilting forward with the effort to keep fighting through it, keep himself in check, keep breathing. This is not how it's meant to go. He _doesn't_ need chakra for this, not for _this._

His eyes snap open of their own accord, blearily centering on the muzzled nature bounding him in, on the murderer lying with a crumpled arm bent at unnatural angles. And then focusing on Sasuke and his aplomb, who moves another step forward, staring directly at him.

"I'm guessing this is more than just a fit of anger issues gone down the wrong way." His resulting chuckle is laced with more acrimony than dry humor.

Naruto opens his mouth to say something back, to utter Sasuke's name, but nothing short of a pitiful, exhaled gasp escapes out of him. The invisible barrier keeping him upright grows just a little tighter, and it takes all of his willpower to focalize and not let himself fade beneath the gravity of the force splitting open beneath his suspended feet.

He blinks through the maddening but drowsing coercion, trying to stay conscious long enough to get a grip of himself. And centres on it, on Sasuke watching him, and fights through this crimson rage with his own rage.

He doesn't know how long it takes, or how long they stay like that. But just like the snap of a bone breaking in two he feels the abrupt shift.

Through a hazy fog he can feel the consuming power receding, letting go of him and disappearing back below the earth as if it was never there in the first place.

He lets himself heave breath after breath afterwards, as if someone was holding him by the neck until then, and blinks enough times until his vision stops swimming in the darkness.

"Better?"

It takes a bit of effort, but Naruto raises his head enough to cut an exhausted glare in Sasuke's general direction.

"I'm serious, did that make you feel any better?"

Sasuke inquires with a sort of defiance that usually belongs to Naruto only.

"Was the high worth the pain?"

It's an involuntary reaction the way his eyes blink closed, unable to hold the challenging stare any longer.

"…You're still holding on so tight you can't even see it's already fallen apart." Sasuke lets out in a lonesome whisper, and for a moment it sounds like he might be talking to himself.

The last tendrils of rage finally creep away.

Naruto hangs his head, his muscles lose every last bit of tension, and his whole body goes tipping forward, only still somewhat upright due to the invisible wall fixed all around him.

Sasuke finally loosens the clutch, carefully letting him touch the ground where Naruto lands on his knees, and rests fixed in place, head pitched low, mouth shut, muscles lax, his expression covered beneath the shock of messy blond hair.

"There are other ways to take the pain away." Sasuke dares to break the still and exposed disquietude that enwraps them. "And they don't involve any number of means that lead you to destroying yourself too in the process." The murmur is shaded with more unguarded self-awareness than Naruto can take at the moment.

The restraints don't fully leave him, quite literally functioning as a hold. As if Sasuke wants to hold him together, afraid Naruto will fall to pieces otherwise.

But there is a sea of emptiness in the wake. And Naruto can't tell anymore if he is trying to keep himself from drowning, or if he just wants to drown beneath it at this point.

…It gets so much worse.

Unfortunately, this was never his call to make; it sums up to only a matter of hours before his reality comes crashing down in smoke and flames right in front of his eyes and he finds himself in the very eye of the brewing storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Playing God- Paramore](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zVNKM_2zJIM)  
> I wrote this chapter before having ever listened to this song, but boy oh boy, is it accurate to both Naruto and Sasuke right here.
> 
> Just puttin this out there, there's gonna be a lot of recs from Paramore and Fall Out Boy in this story.
> 
>   
> [and this is me @ you guys rn for this chappie](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CWsy04vqLx0)


	21. Time Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grief sinks its vicious claws back in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These beautiful, beautiful songs somehow capture denial perfectly in my head. Maybe because of the _screaming_ and muted effects at the end of both songs.
> 
> I listened to them non-stop while writing and re-reading this terrible horrible chapter.
> 
> [Berenstein, The Band CAMINO](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_rksTruhAKk)

Tick.

Tick.

_Tick._

They say life is like a clock.

But if it is, then time is a thief; because it _steals._

And it is a present too; because it _gives._

In its contradictory nature, time is a blessed curse.

It ticks away blameworthy and unaccountable.

Time is always, _always_ ticking. Always relentless in its passing.

And when the hands of time meet, it strikes the loudest, drowning out all the rest.

A bomb ticking away its final moments of life.

* * *

But the undeniable truth is… time runs out when we don't want it to stop.

* * *

_Tick._

"Hey."

Naruto opens the door to Kiba, who is wearing his usual, vibrant grin.

For maybe the first time in weeks, however, today Naruto is noticing the dimness of it at the corners of his lips, the semi-circle shadow of exhaustion under his eyes.

"…Hey." He greets back with far less vigor.

Naruto feels all out of sorts. Disconnected, and all the while too fixed inside the seconds, inside the moments drawing out and away from him.

But Kiba doesn't know what had come to transpire the day before. And, if he is being completely honest with himself, Naruto doesn't know either.

Something is… amiss.

…something is _wrong._

He can't seem to focus enough to find what it is. He has been trying for weeks.

_Tick._

"-what kinda movie we're gonna watch later?"

He catches only the end of the question, but it lugs him back to the present. "Whatever you want." He answers, absent-minded.

Kiba blinks owlishly, far too many times, astounded. "Woah, what. Uzumaki Naruto leaving me free reign, _that's_ a first."

Naruto shakes his head, dismissive. "Not true. I let you decide that one time."

"Yeah, because the choice was between two action flicks-"

His focus wavers again, mind twisting all over the place and wrapping around past events. The day before flashes in front of his eyes in crimson cuts.

He hasn't seen Sasuke since.

A shudder crawls down his spine. He's been shivering since the haze of the morning hit.

Kiba suddenly stops his rambling, eyeing him with worry. "Cold?"

_Tick._

"…yeah." Naruto breathes out.

_Tick._

"D'you have a fever or something?" Kiba asks, concern growing as he checks his uncovered forehead with the back of his hand.

Naruto shrugs, sluggish. "I don't think so."

After a prolonged moment, Kiba's hand settles on his back with a few light pats. "You okay man?"

Naruto barely nods, eyes half-lidded, numb. "Just fine."

"…If you say so."

_Tick._

Despite the summer air, Naruto feels cold all over, chilled down to his raw bones, as if a sheet of ice is adhering to the inside of his skin, thawing him from within.

A glacial numbing seeped into his mind first has taken to spread all over his body now. And with mind and body as one, they work against him.

It's a burgeoning disconnection between fragmented pieces that were dissonant from the very start. Barely stitched together by sheer power of will to keep him from fragmenting back into pieces.

_Tick._

_Tick._

_Tick._

And now the discord is welling up.

The storm is about to unravel.

* * *

It's all in a day's work, as the saying goes. But it turns out a hard day of work can be rewarding too, it's the first time in a while Naruto feels something akin to pride warming up his ribcage.

But instead of focusing on the work he put, his fickle attention is pulled away from the site he, Kiba and Shikamaru are in, and pulled in towards the landmark of Konoha.

The Hokage Mountain stands in all its imposing glory, as it always did, now completely restored, even if it was one of the few monuments capable of withstanding the gravitational force of the assault.

Naruto stares up with lidded eyes at the history carved into stone.

Unable to place why over the past few weeks his chest felt so tight he couldn't draw in air whenever his gaze lifted toward the known, sculpted faces.

_Tick._

"They fixed it all up, huh." Kiba comments as he looks up too, a small smile hanging by the corners of his lips.

Shikamaru lifts his shoulders, hands deep in his pockets and looking his usual degree of disinterested. "Seems so."

But Naruto is only thinking about one person in particular to show the familiar and restored view to, already picturing the expression on his face once he tells him the news.

He always had such a kick out of teasing Tsunade, he won't pass up this opportunity either, probably drop a few callous comments about inexistent crows' feet or something of the like, and she will likely get mad at him for it and chase him out of her office with the threat of her strength, and Naruto will stare at the scene in front of him, grinning all the while.

A smile, radiant and aglow, slowly blooms across his face, and he feels better than he has in seemingly forever.

He suddenly can't recall why he has felt this inconsolable misery deep in the marrow of his bones as he now exclaims, bright and excited, and like his old self-

"I can't wait to tell Ero-Sennin!"

_Tick._

A suffocated stifle settles over the triad.

_Tick._

Kiba is frozen, stunned into a wide-eyed silence. Shikamaru is frowning at him.

_Tick._

"What are you talking about?"

_Tick._

Blunt confusion pinched in the furrow of his brows, Shikamaru doesn't let up, voice lilted with clinical detachment as he defuses such a detrimental, poisonous verity.

It ends up imploding inside Naruto all the same.

_Tick._

_Tick._

_Tick._

"You know he's dead."

**_Tick._ **

Time runs its course out.

The storm _hits._

* * *

The air is punched out of his lungs, leaving him to gasp in its waking absence.

Naruto is standing, tall, upright, on his benumbed legs, and petrified on the spot.

Naruto is standing, but the ground has already cracked open below his feet.

His world as a whole, what's left of it, splits down the middle in a paralyzing, unforgiving fracture. Tearing open in two imperfect and empty halves.

And Naruto finds himself standing numb in the eye of the brewing storm as the world in its entirety is thrown back into the stark light of reality, that goes bursting into flames, goes up in a wall of smoke; the storm that has been brewing _inside_ his mind all along hits him.

Jiraiya, his teacher, his mentor, his found family, he… he is…

_…dead._

"…I… know." The distant echo of his faint voice doesn't reach his ears. His eyes are open wide, glazed over, but unseeing. He doesn't know how he can possibly utter a single sound when the truth has rendered him speechless. His head jerks in place with the small jolt of a robotic nod. "I know."

The anaesthetized, glacial lack of feeling that had taken over every inch of his skin fades from his brain like smoke against mirrors, leaving him to choke.

"I…" He withdraws. Draws back. Takes a step. Takes another step back. "…need to go."

He hits the ground running before he is even aware, setting off at a scorching pace.

"Naruto!" Kiba calls out in a much too delayed action once he unfreezes, to no avail. But before going to follow after him, he turns to glare sharp daggers at the teen beside him.

"What?" Shikamaru asks nonplussed, clueless as he stares between Kiba and the vacant space Naruto occupied only seconds prior. "What did I do?"

"…Seriously man? Don't you get it?" Kiba tries to keep a lid on his rising ire, barely keeping it at bay. "You've really got the tact of a fucking horde of elephants. And this coming from _me_ makes it ten times worse." He shoulder-checks Shikamaru on the way to checking up on Naruto.

* * *

Naruto barely keeps himself upright inside the locked, dusky shade of his apartment. The walls never felt more imprisoning, siphoning the oxygen off of him, siphoning him of _everything_ he could hope to reach for in the dark.

Back when time had slowed down to a trickle. Back when he still had something left to hold on to.

The haze he has been living inside lifts at once, revealing the unfolding darkness existing underneath.

How selfish.

He is nothing but a pretender.

He is nothing but a fake.

How fucking _selfish_ of him.

Thinking nothing was wrong, that his world as he knew it had not disintegrated the appalling second he heard of his horrifying death up in the stuffy, ominous office of the Hokage.

What an _evil_ thing to do.

It doesn't matter how many enemies he has come across, it doesn't matter what they have done, none of them comes even close, because Naruto is the worst kind of scum for doing this- for letting his own mind shelter him inside this made up, frangible dome of glass that was bound to implode in itself.

It takes far too long for his muddled conscience to realize his name is being called over and over, an urgency to Kiba's voice as he pounds at the door.

But Naruto has already fallen to the floor, as if the force of gravity had increased tenfold, landing forcefully on his knees. Needles of pain crawl up his spine, between the blades of his shoulders, behind his closed eyelids.

"…Naruto."

The voice sounds muted in the deafening space, much closer, much distant too.

The way Sasuke said his name is slow. Careful. As if treading cautiously around a wounded animal who has its claws protracted in fright.

In a trice, nibbles of their past conversations ring startlingly loud inside his eardrums.

Naruto lifts wild and unblinking eyes up at him, so quickly his vision swims, his mouth hangs open but no sound escapes at first.

Sasuke's words take on a new meaning all together.

_"It might get worse before it gets better."_

_"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that."_

_"If it's a game you're playing at, then you're the only player here."_

_"Some things you just… can't speak about."_

_"But secrets kill."_

_"Is something wrong?"_

_"All these secrets, Naruto…Your ability to keep everything to yourself is admirable."_

_"I know you're trying to protect yourself. But you're just hurting yourself in the process."_

_"Are we still talking about the same person here?"_

_"…You're still holding on so tight you can't even see it's already fallen apart."_

And above all else the piercing, thundering stillness of his unrestrained warning.

_"When it hits…it's going to hurt."_

It's the suspended, stilted moment before a glass goes falling, inexorably shattering to its demise; but the shards have already cut so deep inside him he can feel nothing else around their excruciating sear.

Two pieces of the intricate puzzle finally fit together as the rest falls apart.

"…You knew." The stabbing accusal burns like bile in the back of his throat. "…you knew he…"

Sasuke averts his eyes to the side, speaking so quietly it's a strain, but his hesitation has nothing to do with disclosing the information. "Of course I knew."

"S-Since…" The tremble indwelt in him seizes his frame once more. His fingers, shaking, scratch the solid pavement below, his nails break open with blood. "Since _when?!"_

Always so confrontational and belligerent, Sasuke is not gutsy enough to meet his eyes this time around. "…A few weeks now."

The meaning settles in like an oppressive burden.

He had been aware of Jiraiya's death all along.

Nothing… _nothing_ Sasuke had done up until then, nothing he had done against him, nothing had ever left Naruto feeling more betrayed by him than in this moment.

"Why are you even here." He rasps, windless, the quietude goes disrupting with the seconds ticking by. "…d-did you wait until now to rub it in my face, to laugh at me... to say that you w-won?" The inquiries he strings along go dwindling in volume and sense.

But nothing else except the loss of his teacher makes concrete sense anymore, it's all he sees in the splintering voracity caving under him, in the blind darkness carving inside him, blinding him to his own emotions, let alone having the capacity to understand anything, anything at all. Nothing else matters, nothing else but this.

Naruto feels _sick._

"…What?" Sasuke staggers a step back.

The distance that had been there from the beginning, stunted into the form of an ambivalent truce of sorts, stretches so far between them now it breaks into a rift.

Sasuke's features contort with a crumpling veil of _hurt._ "Of course not _._ How can you even think- I could _never-"_

But Naruto is not seeing anymore, he isn't listening anymore, he can't. Even his beating heart is drowned out by the shock, a reverse avalanche that ploughs straight into him.

And the shock slowly dissolves; under the enormity of loss everything else dissolves and loses its meaning.

And everything, _everything_ he so desperately tried to suppress, it all comes surfacing back. Merciless waves of pain he drowns under.

The shear of nothingness, a shield of numbness, all along he felt it, emptying him inside out. His insides were scooped out of him, left to bleed dry, twisted into nothing until he wasn't a thing, until he wasn't a person, until he wasn't human anymore; nothing to have, nothing to feel, nothing to need anymore.

And now there is nothing holding him whole anymore.

The dissonant, fragmented pieces rip apart the same way his world did, they tear open the same way the inside of him did. With no gospel truth to keep them attached to him any longer, the ineludible truth bleeds out, relentless in its ruthlessness. He drowns beneath it, too.

* * *

When he comes to, Naruto realizes he is shaking on the floor, struggling to get a wisp of oxygen inside his heaving lungs, unable to even draw a single breath in anymore.

He realizes Kiba and Sakura are both here, they have their arms around him. Muffled cries fill up his eardrums, and Naruto belatedly realizes they belong to him. Muted sobs wrack his body and he shivers in their unabating vehemence, choking on the saltwater chafing up his throat.

He can distantly feel his nails scratching at his scalp, fingers pull at his hair, pulling until it burns, until everything is burning in black and white across his vision- an empty sea of lifeless gray had been lying in the wake all along.

Frozen drops of tears now stream incessantly from his eyes as the calamity of what he has lost dawns on him.

Time. Relentless in its passing. He had built into it a make-believe reality and froze himself inside it. Had frozen himself in time. Buried beneath this evil sheath of denial he surrounded himself with, until the truth was dug out of him.

But time turns ice to embers.

It's coming around full circle now. And as he digs back in, past the facade of exhaustion, down the _hurt_ burning his core, bruising the inside of his chest, where his heart should be beating he comes up with bloodied fingers. He finds all the words left unsaid, lying broken in shattered shards of glass; a heart nothing more and nothing less than a pulsing mess of cut up pieces.

 _This_ is what he finds underneath all the pretence.

A death he couldn't _believe_ in.

A death he so desperately tried, with every fiber of his being, to not believe to be _real._

But Naruto had never truly stopped counting since the day he found out. He _never_ did. Time starts back again, ticking away unforgiving, even if it _never_ truly stopped in its unrelenting passage, either.

One month, three weeks, six days, eleven hours, fifteen minutes and fifty-seven seconds of death _pulsing_ still beneath his fingertips.

Grief sinks its vicious claws back in.

And this time he is powerless to stop it.

* * *

_**Stage I: Denial- Shock** _

_**'In the denial stage, you are not living in 'actual reality,' rather, you are living in a 'preferable' reality. Interestingly, it is denial and shock that help you cope and survive, aiding in pacing your feelings instead of becoming completely overwhelmed with grief; we deny it, do not accept it, and stagger its full impact on us at one time. Once the denial and shock start to fade, those feelings that you were once suppressing are coming to the surface.'** _

_**\- Elizabeth-Kubler Ross and David Kessier From 'On Grief and Grieving'** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And [M83, Wait](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iQnRCdtECl8)
> 
> This.
> 
> _**This.** _
> 
> This was the needle held at the back of his neck, and his world as he knew it ripping apart bit by bit.
> 
> The dead man hanging in the back of Naruto's mind as he faced a murderer was not the stranger he found, it was Jiraiya. And the murderer he was seeing in front of him was Pain/Nagato.
> 
> Naruto denied it to himself so badly he started living inside his pretend-reality, and Sasuke's presence was distracting enough to let Naruto stew inside his denial a little longer than he would have otherwise.
> 
> But Sasuke wasn't the reason for his denial, Jiraiya has always been the focal point of it, and finding the scroll threatening Sasuke's life was his first 'wake-up' call because the thought that someone had _already_ died started slowly sinking in.
> 
> Sort of comes 'full circle' from ch. 1. Naruto has been dropping hints that he didn't 'recall' Jiraiya's death up until now, as his death only gets mentioned between the (brackets), Naruto's innermost thoughts, and then his thoughts slowly start spiraling as he starts having moments of 'clarity' where he almost admits to himself he knows what happened.
> 
> Everyone probably figured this 'mystery' out already, but it was really important to me to underline the importance of denial for personal reasons and otherwise. It's also a pet peeve of mine how they didn't explore Naruto's grief more in the anime/manga, so this is me putting _my own spin_ on it.
> 
> I know in the end this is just another chapter for everyone else, but up until now this was hands down the heaviest and most painful chapter I've written and it drained me, putting me back in a bad spot with memories I don't want to live through again, so I'm taking a bit of a break for now from writing this story.
> 
> As always thank you so much for your incredible support and kind words, it's always so shocking to me to know there are people out there who are interested in reading the messy stuff living inside my mind.  
> Thank you, see you soon.


	22. Don't You Know That The Kids Aren't Alright?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was just trying to protect him from his own mind, too, just like he himself was when he found out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, what's up everyone? here I am, back on my bullcrap again after two months
> 
> so. first of all, despite the circumstances I hope you could all still have a wonderful Christmas (for whoever celebrates it) and some very Happy Holidays, take care of yourselves, you deserve it!
> 
> now, consider this chapter an interlude of sorts? but it was just really important to me, I had to include this no matter what (also, it was supposed to be super short but, eh, stuff happens?) 
> 
> I re-wrote this a billion times already, and no matter what I do I'm not satisfied with it, but I just couldn't hold on to it any longer, so here it is. for tonight I'm done with it.

The apartment is grimly quiet, save for the measured, sustained breaths of its guests.

Naruto is in his bedroom, nestled underneath the covers and gripped with an uneasy rest. He had cried himself past the point of exhaustion, wasting every last iota of energy left until finally the unavoidable collapse ensued. He passed out, spent.

Sakura and Kiba decided it would be better to leave him be, give him a few priceless hours of blissful nothingness, that is, if one of his recurring nightmares didn’t seize him first. Therefore, the two of them had huddled in the kitchen to avoid disrupting his slumber, speaking in hushed tones, but with the doors left open if Naruto needed anything at all.

Sakura has taken to pacing, she does it sometimes. She is pacing the floor like she is going to consume through the pavement below with the agitated lightness of her footsteps. And Kiba is watching her, sat, unsettled, in one of the few chairs. When Sakura gets like this, it’s almost like she fears she will come crawling out of her skin. It’s a sensation he had never been particularly accustomed to, but lately he’s getting acquainted with. Her bare feet padding across the floor leave imprinted an anxious rhythm that has him on edge, his knee is bouncing in place, a nervous tic, and it feels like his hands have been wrung dry with the way he keeps clutching them together. 

Kiba is the first to break this unnerving, chilling quiet coercing them. “Did he seriously forget…?”

Sakura comes to an abrupt stop. She combs shaky fingers over her parted fringe, nervously adjusting the wisps in place, only to mess them up even more. Her eyes are piercing when they settle on him and a low timbre of ill temper surfaces. "There is a reason why some grieving people are in denial, and it's not because they want to be. They need it to- it’s-” She bites her tongue, exhaling a stuttered breath, brusquely breaking eye contact. “...before everything falls apart."

He lifts his head even if she has turned away, his own expression mirroring hers. Troubled and unbalanced and at loss.

“It’s obviously different from person to person,” She continues, quieter. Just as shaken but managing to hide fractions of it. “But, mostly, it’s your mind’s way of trying to protect you from a traumatic experience, at times even erasing the memories, at times even replacing them. And…”

“And?” He asks uncertain, when it seems like she will let the rest of the sentence stay truncated.

Sakura meets his eyes, the slow raise of her shoulders after is forlorn at best. Her voice is pinched, on the wrong side of raw. “Sometimes your heart just needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.”

Kiba thinks he might understand that. 

Dropping his face in his hands, he breathes harshly, feeling himself slouching further, as if rammed forward by an unseen weight. Making it harder to do anything but get lost in his already overthought thinking patterns.

“Shit.” He clenches his eyes and teeth, fingers stiffening across his scalp. “…Shit. Shit- _shit.”_

Sakura takes an anxious step towards him. “Kiba-”

“This is my fault.” He pushes the words, almost wheezing them out. “I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to that _stupid_ fucking mission with Shikamaru. Damn it. I knew it, and I didn’t-”

“No, Kiba, it’s not your fault-”

His head snaps up, surprising even himself. “But look what _happened._ That day at the Red Tower, I saw the way he was confronting Naruto. It was getting ugly. And Naruto, he was- I thought he was going to sock him in the face… and honestly? Maybe I should’ve let _that_ happen.”

Sakura pauses, taken up in her own overthinking patterns. But like the friend she is, caring, selfless, ignoring her apprehension in favor of sitting next to him through his own, she does just that. Slowly, she puts a careful hand over his shoulder, mindful of his reaction. When he minutely slackens into it, she exhales softly. “It’s not Shikamaru’s fault either.”

The way Kiba meets her gaze with an opinionated glare speaks volumes for him.

Sakura sucks in a laboured breath, fingers scrupulously constricting in their hold. “…You know Asuma-sensei’s passing has taken a toll on him.”

Kiba goes rigid at that, only to shrink with the air he expels after. “Yeah, I know, okay? I know.” He had seen it, the devastation his assassination wreaked. He himself was heartbroken over it, he couldn’t even imagine how Team Ten must have felt. Even now, he still sees barely concealed glimpses of it painted across their faces.

Loss is not just a season you manage to grow out of. 

“It’s been pretty damn hard for Ino and Choji… and Kurenai-sensei too." He snaps lowly, feeling defensive. A minute wince twists Sakura’s features. “But they've never tried to make Naruto _miserable_ about his own loss."

Sakura deflates a little at the emphasis. “He didn’t-” Reading it as a lost cause for the time being, she chooses to avoid angering him further. “Every one of us reacts differently.” She tries, instead, speaking with dismayed factuality and an undetached certainty. “It was bound to happen, sooner or later. Something would have undoubtedly come up, reminding Naruto of-” She stalls, unable to properly say it out loud, as if, for a second, touched by this tragedy as much as Naruto is. “…of his loss. It couldn’t go on forever.”

Kiba suddenly pulls back. “…Wait.” He blinks, dumbfounded, trying to file his tortuous thoughts inside a line. “You knew about it? You knew he had just-- that he didn’t remember?”

“…Yes.” Sakura answers with a saddened drop of her eyes. 

“How long?” Kiba himself had found out only due to Ino’s reveal during the celebratory dinner they held for Kakashi. But it makes sense, if Ino had figured it out, _of course_ Sakura would have also, with her acute intelligence and cognizance this was child’s play for her to put together. He should have known.

“After the first two weeks since the village was razed, I knew something was wrong.” Even through her low tone, the shakiness in her voice rings openly across the vacancy of the unlit kitchen. She has her arms crossed now, as if trying to burrow into herself, eyes fixated on an imprecise dot in the pavement. “Beside… the _obvious._ Naruto started… one day he just wasn’t sad anymore. It was too _sudden._ At first I thought he was back to putting on his usual facade.” She mutters the last part, clearly upset.

Far too often they’ve been on the other end of Naruto’s masks. And none of them have been able to do anything about him quashing his pain, wearing a fake layer because convinced only weakness resides underneath. 

But how can they, when each and every one of them is grappling with masks of their own, wondering if it is just another shiny fault to attribute to the flawed system the shinobi world is and the life they lead, or if maybe it is a fault they were born with. It’s an endless loop - they’re unable to help their peers deal with this issue, unable to deal with it themselves, and stew inside the guilt that derives from it. 

“He never mentioned him.” Sakura keeps going, with no little amount of struggle. “Not even by mistake.” Her heavy eyes flicker up to him, for a second. “And after his… breakdown in the forest, he miraculously got better the next day, remember? He started smiling again, started laughing again, as if his loss didn’t weigh him down anymore. As if he had just… erased it.” Her chin drops again, the heel of her foot scuffing against the bare floor. “That was when I started getting suspicious. I knew that denial can be a coping mechanism and-”

“And you figured it out.” Kiba finishes for her.

She nods, tightening into her shoulders, looking just as troubled as she had before.

And suddenly, bits of Sakura’s behaviour this past month and then some make _very much_ sense. The way she grew so overprotective of Naruto, how she hovered over him, peeling him away from any situation she deemed even slightly unsafe. It wasn’t because of Konoha’s destruction, it wasn’t that kind of fear taking residence inside her and pushing her towards her loved ones. All along, it was as if she was dealing with a broken patient. But given that the patient happened to be her best friend, it destabilized her.

“Why didn’t you-”

She gets up, taking a step back, as if physically shoved. The way she is barely hanging on to her frayed nerves is plain to see. “What do you think I was supposed to do, then? Just walk up to him and say, hey Naruto, I’m sorry, but the man you have come to see as a father for the last three years is now gone and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it? And the buried trauma of it is eventually bound to come up and leave you destroyed _again?”_ She bites the words out, still being cautious enough as to keep her rash tone under wraps, but clearly rattled. A heavy sheen gleams inside her narrowed eyes.

Kiba stares at her, mouth hanging a sliver agape, not used to seeing Sakura _this_ upset. The meaning of her words hits him two beats later, and he deflates underneath it. A bitter snort pushes past the tightness of his throat. “…Good point.”

She was just trying to protect him from his own mind, too, just like he himself was when he found out. Sakura was trying to delay the inevitable, scared of the consequences it would have on Naruto.

She seems to gather herself, in part at least, now that she has finally worked some of the threadbare hurt out of her system. She’s shaking her head, breaking the tense cross of her arms, apology tumbling out of her. “I’m sorry- I was-”

“No.” It’s his turn to cut her off, apologetic in equal measure, and the generally shitty feeling that has possessed him since the late afternoon is digging in a little deeper. “…It must have been hard. Knowing Naruto was going through-” He halts, also unable to say it out loud, bearing the share of this tragedy too. “…and you couldn’t even say anything about it.”

A quiet, unrestrained whimper makes it past Sakura’s lips pressed paper white thin, and Kiba’s heart cracks that bit more as he gets up too, walking to her. With her same cautious approach, he reaches an arm around her back.

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes properly then, conscience-stricken.

Wishing he could have been able to help, somehow. Wishing, with everything he has, he could help now. But all he can do is hold on, and pretend he isn’t clinging to a faith made of smoke, pretend he isn’t being held together by a loose thread, until she is doing the same.

“It’s okay.” He is mumbling out, absent-minded, because it’s what his mom used to tell him when he got hurt, what his family and friends have said when they wanted to help him through a rough patch. But now, this is beyond anything he can hope to grasp, and he is scared beyond belief by it.

Sakura shakes in her frame, clenching the fabric of his shirt, face against his shoulder and the lump of tears in her throat. “…is it?” 

Kiba stills at the unexpected question… not knowing the answer to it. He doesn’t think it is. And the way the ordeal has unfolded, he doesn’t know if it will be any semblance of _okay_ ever again, and doesn’t know how to make it better, how to make _any_ of this even slightly more bearable.

“Kiba, I…” Sakura takes a step back. With fists still clenched, as if holding to a principle that will leave her stranded if she dares to let go.

And Kiba thinks back to the last mission the three of them took part in together. To the ambush when they were oh so close back home. To Naruto getting struck down. To Naruto looking like a shell of his past self. To the familiar burning that belongs to him only, utterly missing from his eyes. To how it had actually been gone for weeks.

 _“…It’s like he has lost all the fight he had left in him.”_ Sakura had whispered, then.

And, with the heartbreak in her eyes reflecting his own, with the sorrow streaking unconstrained down her countenance, in that same despaired and defeated tone, Sakura is whispering, “…I don’t know how to help him…”

His eyes sting with the cutting truth of it.

Naruto is so adrift inside his loss, his soul has been consumed from it. It’s eating away at him, day, after day, after day. And they are left on the outside, watching their best friend fall apart before their eyes, not even knowing how to pick up his pieces.

With this hopelessness striking him again, he knows it’s a war already lost.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Around two weeks after the triumph against Pain, Naruto had his first real breakdown since Jiraiya’s death.

But, before then.

In the wake of Pain’s defeat, when rebuilding the village alluded to the peaking of hope, when nearly everyone else was engrossed in the victory and basking in it, it was then Naruto had time to _think._ Think about how, for him, it also meant a defeat. Think about how much he actually lost.

While everyone else was celebrating, Naruto was mourning.

He had sunk into his loss, then. It was an abrupt shift, born out of nowhere, as if suddenly finding himself standing with his feet touching two different worlds.

After, came the terse quiet, when Naruto would barely string two words together. And with the quiet, came the attachment, almost morbid in nature. Naruto had developed it towards Kakashi, fearing he would lose another teacher. Kiba was a direct witness to it, and so was Sakura.

In the wreckage the hospital had been, against the frailty of it, Naruto would curl up just outside Kakashi’s makeshift room. He remained unmoving for hours and hours on end. The sight of him was terrifying, he looked nothing more than a corpse surviving on borrowed time.

It had taken everything to haul him away from that blank corner, and they never could for long. They could barely make him drink or eat, no primary need mattered to him anymore, he always went back there. Barely hoping against hope, pleading someone else wouldn’t be taken away from him again.

And then, a couple weeks after the tribulation with Pain, that particular day Sakura practically demanded they went for a mission outside the lingering destruction Konoha was, insisting and persisting on bringing Naruto along, managing to wrench him out of the corner he was burying himself in by a hair’s breadth. She had already known, that the quiet was bound to come to an end, shifting into something else. And of course she had been right. And that was the night Naruto had his first, real breakdown since Jiraiya’s death. Kiba remembers it so vividly, it has been scarred into his mind since.

Kiba always knew Naruto led a different existence from them, but he wasn’t aware back then, not _truly_ aware. The notion was akin to a passing thought, it occupied a nook of his mind, but only for a calculated amount of time, then the day-to-day life’s happenings would push this notion back out of reach.

Naruto had been given the short stick in life. Since the very start, not a single scrap was handed to him, never given easily, particularly when compared to everyone else around him. Not only did he have to work twice as hard, but most of the time he was belittled, discouraged and ignored for double the amount of effort he had to put in. And at one point, the loud, boisterous, optimistic kid had stopped complaining about it, had kept quiet about it, and maybe was even afraid to speak up about it.

His sunny grin faded so frighteningly fast as soon as people looked the other way. And people were quick to drop the pretence of looking his way altogether. At the end of the day, that little kid was left with a sullen frown and skinned knees. At the end of the day, that little kid was left to walk home alone. He always did.

Kiba didn’t understand the _why,_ but he had always known, in the back of his mind, that it was not right, it couldn’t possibly be. And growing up, he himself started wondering _why_ he didn’t try to do anything about it. At least, why didn’t he try _sooner._

But, whilst having the abstraction of a concrete idea until then, only that dismal night did he start to truly understand a fragment of what life must have been like for Naruto.

Deep in the forest and out of sight, the perpetual dark closes them in, traps them in root and leaf, in the thick maze of woodland.

Kiba is startled awake in the dead of the night.

His sight opens to the woods saturated in darkness, the thick foliage and wilderness stretch unbroken for miles, unseen, and their quartet is nothing but four dots lost in the blackness of it.

His mind is reeling right away with worst possible case scenarios, and his muscles are straining from the fatigue and overexertion of the passing weeks as he tries to get his bearings, and get into stance to fight the looming threat.

Only to have the realization dawn on him.

Someone is screaming. And unfortunately, he knows exactly who this voice belongs to.

Kiba is stuck into inertness then, shocked into a transparent silence, forced to listen as the desperation bruises, swells.

Just a few feet away, Sai is crouched down, shocked into the selfsame bewilderment. Sakura is kneeling, knees digging into the solid, grainy earth, uneven by the knotted roots crossing through it. And Naruto is splayed over the harshness of it, over her bent knees, clinging for dear life.

The sound of his cries is raucous, ear-splitting.

His howls come choked, violent, tearing deep from within his lungs. Retching out of him coughs and phlegm. Sucking out his oxygen.

His voice is so wrecked it sounds warped, as if a sound so imbued in agony couldn’t possibly be part of him.

And Sakura is trying. She is propelled forward, protectively curled over his form, and she is stroking his hair, his back, trying anything she can to calm him down, whispering anything she can think to utter to make it better, to try and help him. And in the end crying with him, in the end stuttering out _“Oh, Naruto, I’m so sorry”_ over and over again.

But Naruto is inconsolable, his kind of hurt knows no relief. His muffled cries don’t let up, incessant, torturing him. He keeps calling for his late mentor. Crying his name, over, and over, _and_ _over again._

Naruto's blood curdling screams tear the dark of the sky wide and apart; with pain so deeply rooted inside him nothing else could possibly live to grow circumambient to it. Kiba’s open, unblinking eyes are besmeared with the heat of tears from the unsuppressed affliction.

He is frozen in place. Guilt comes soaring, a fresh wave that soaks him up, and _still,_ he is unable to even move, to get up and try anything- _anything_ he can to help his best friend through this. He tries nonetheless, he struggles through the fright, he _wants_ to get up and just _help,_ but he is unforgivably glued to the ground. Nails dig into his palms in an unconscious strain, until they are welting with blood. And he listens to Naruto’s undiluted pain, laid bare for the first time, and for the first time reaching the worst peak.

Kiba had been stuck in a few threatening situations in his life, he had been to a few funerals too. He had seen first hand what loss did to the people who were left outliving their loved ones on the other side. But no sight of it had ever struck him this way. And this one time when he _can’t_ even turn to witness it with his own eyes, he can’t _bear_ it.

The way Naruto struggles through loss, it’s as if his soul, a piece so intrinsically stitched into him, is being stolen. Forcefully torn away from him. And he is left split apart and bleeding out its murder, cruelly imposed to survive the brink of death itself without it.

And Kiba can only lie awake above the solid ground, paralyzed, nauseated from his own guilt, from his own hopelessness, and shedding his own tears. Unable to do anything but listen as Naruto is being ripped to shreds by his grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naruto’s breakdown at the end of this chapter is something I had planned practically since starting this story. 
> 
> It came out of nowhere and snuck inside my mind, but it just made perfect sense to me. After the ‘victory’, Naruto just had to have a moment where he actually considered how much he lost. The last paragraphs are just very vivid imagery inside my head. 
> 
> Everything I'm writing, in my mind I see it as a movie, so in the last few paragraphs, the focus would be completely on Kiba while Naruto's muddy silhouette is barely recognizable in the background, but his agony is the protagonist throughout the whole scene. I don’t know if I was able to do it justice with the way I described it, but I knew I had to absolutely, absolutely include it in this story. Even if short, it feels like a momentous part of Naruto's story to me.
> 
> also, double update. so expect another chapter in 24 hours (or 48 at the latest)


	23. Fracture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He lost. He lost too much, there is no comfort that could ever ameliorate this. The fracture is too chasmic, too deep-rooted, it won't heal. He doesn't have the resilience to pretend it ever will. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot physically deal with this chapter any longer. I rewrote it ten times and I still can't bear it. I'll come editing it tomorrow, but for now, this is it.
> 
> Chapter 21 and 22 were definitely more raw, but personally, this chapter feels a lot heavier to me, even if it's... simpler? In a way? I don't know how to really explain it, but it's the reason why I was so reluctant to post it... sorry for the wait. I'll workshop it as soon as I can.

Losing is not a one dimensional process, nor is it a mutually exclusive one. It's everything all at once and then it's nothing. It's the blaze of ash fire and the ice of rain water, and it's their fumes when they erase each other. It's jarring. It's overwhelming. Stuck in denial, Naruto was drowning. Overwhelmed with shock, he is burning.

It's like waking from a lifeless dream inside a living nightmare, he is finding out for the second time.

Crouched low against the blankness of his apartment, every section of it is enshrouded in shadows, all the doors are locked, every window is boarded up after the storm- because the curtains have already been pulled, the storm has already hit. The stupor of denial clings to him like the smoke clings to the air after rainforests go up in a blaze of inferno, living somewhere in between the haze and the darkness in the recesses of his mind.

His world has tumbled end to end. Naruto tries, tries to say anything, do anything, move inside this marred reality, imprinted in anguish, filled with shadows and murk to the brim, filled to the brim with loss. But no sound escapes.

It's like someone has sucked all the air out of the room, replacing it with an asphyxiating oblivion and impelling him to breathe in the irremissible absence of it. It's the shock all over again - those few disorienting, split-second moments of flat shockwaves of pain right after a collision.

Naruto closes his shaking hands in the overwhelming flatline of shockwave, but his clenched fists are only holding onto air and emptiness. The ghost of something that used to be, but he is incapable of touching anymore.

The illusion came crashing, collapsing, debris lie all around him. And standing in its place now is the shattered version of reality, shedding off like garments of clothes, like peeling away layers of skin to push to the core.

And the core, he finds out, is a hollow cavern now. The inside of him was already torn, gutted out of him and thrown away, too far away for him to find again. And still, his squirming insides, his fragile organs, his breakable skin, his brittle bones, every line of fiber making up every cell of him, the map of his soul; it's all ripped to shreds, disjointed and in pieces. It's a vacancy that drains him of the precious air he so desperately needs- _needed_ to live.

The wound breaks open once again. A fresh wave of sorrow bleeds over the scarred tissue, stitched together by the glaze of broken dreams and the slow motion end of a warped promise.

All over again. It's like Naruto is getting told his mentor is nothing else but a fractured memory inside a suffocated corpse a _ll over again._

It doesn't feel real.

Confusion and horror war in his mind. Abnormality tugs outward of his skin, everything feels _wrong._ _Different._ He feels like an imposter, a stranger barely standing on his own feet, inside his own flinching skin- it has never felt like this. It's _not_ supposed to feel- to _be_ like this.

His world used to have a starting line, an end goal, balanced and whole. But now all that's left of it is a little less than a fracture that knows a rent beginning and no dead end in sight.

And Naruto is trapped in it. In his cracked, lifeless world, with no way out or forward. It's nothing more than a disfigured universe splintered in fragments that he can't see the outside of, but only the inside to. Its overpowering walls grow above him, split the ground wide beneath him, standing so tall he is buried alive at their center.

Trying to stitch broken glass back together was never bound to work. He knows now.

A wave of emotion rocks him to his core.

Jiraiya is dead. And Naruto, due to some sick joke the universe devised at his expense, was left alive instead.

In his shocking absence, all he can do is feel. Feel the crushing aftermath, the frozen web of memories, the char of blame. That's it… _that's it._

Right or wrong, black or white, winning or losing, it doesn't matter. Nothing of it matters anymore. Because in the end this was never a victory, it could never be considered as such, no matter the restored destruction, no matter the reinstated casualties, no matter the arc of redemption; and in its wakening defeat he lost everything.

Loss is drowning in the depths of an open ocean of air with floundering lungs imbued in saltwater. It's the ashes strewn across the lifeless stretch of a barren ground as they never stop burning.

And at the hollow core of this tragedy all he sees is gray.

* * *

* * *

Every tedious, brand new second is worse than the last.

* * *

* * *

The symbol of his unyielding endeavors lies inside the hidden corner of his drawer, gathering dust and the final brunt of a broken promise.

When he cowered underneath this make-believe pretence, he forgot of its existence entirely, of the missing pressure of it from his exposed forehead. He doesn't know how many people noticed the absence, but Shikamaru was the only one to demand a confrontation about it.

Naruto has not been able to wear his hitai-ate ever since Jiraiya's death, ever since the clash with Pain.

The involute meaning it bespeaks, the torturing pledge it represents- nothing will erase it, not even bleeding to death will. But now the phantom weight of it is killing him.

* * *

* * *

Naruto is a little more than a skeleton held together by mass, by the glue of flesh and bones.

He can't keep track of the time as it slips between his fingertips. And whatever new information he comes in contact with, in the next minute it fades away, his brain swiftly rids itself of it. Life is scattered pieces of motions frozen in time he can't think around of.

The only ever present constant is his mentor, now rotting into his death. The macabre thought wastes away in the forefront of his mind.

His appetite is inexistent. Sakura is trying, she keeps on trying, doting on him, trying to take care of him in the way a sister, a mother would.

He can _almost_ see her helplessness. But Naruto is blinded by his own.

And once again, he's pushing away the plate. Pushing away the offer of comfort.

He lost. He lost too much, there is no comfort that could ever ameliorate this. The fracture is too chasmic, too deep-rooted, it won't heal. He doesn't have the resilience to pretend it ever will. Not anymore.

* * *

* * *

He steps into the tub with exertion, his body weight in exhaustion. Naruto feels stained, marked by blood only he can see. It's _everywhere._ It won't leave.

Ice has turned to embers.

Nimble, trembling fingers reach forward, and without a flash of hesitation he turns the handle, dragging it in the opposite setting.

A blaze of rain cascades upon him, burning his skin. He doesn't step away from it.

In a distant corner of his frazzled brain he thinks this might be self-inflicted punishment, but he doesn't have the strength to dwell on it as his body starts turning a rash red hue. His arms, his nape, his upper back, his chest, his calves, everywhere the water drags, it sears.

He doesn't try to scratch off the invisible streaks of crimson anymore. It's useless, he already knows. It would still be there when he opens his eyes and gasps awake at fears lurking in the shadows, reminding him of a loss so profound he can taste the remains in the back of his throat.

Underneath the blaze, his features crumple; a blister that chokes him from within, and he barely has the sense to breathe underneath the abysmal weight of it- because the storm has already hit, remember? He is forced to stand inside the eye of it now, getting washed away in the emptiness of its violent gray.

* * *

* * *

"...please." He was muttering again and again, wearing barefaced fear and translucent dread, burrowed into himself and shaking into his flesh. With death interwoven into the very fabric of his soul, permeating, staining it. " _...please."_

Across from him Kakashi was only a silhouette, a flat and unmoving line.

When he looked at him, all Naruto saw was Jiraiya. How he would have lied motionless, drained. How he couldn't will his eyelids open any longer. The strength that consumed him as he took that last breath-

**.**

**.**

**.**

Naruto startles. Badly. He is wheezing for air he can't find, stuck in the shadow of a living memory. The beating of his heart slamming down across his temples and inside the roof of his mouth drowns the suffocation of his muted scream in the sweat and tear stained sheets.

He can't hear the urgent tone with which his name is being called, Kiba's hand on his shaking back steading him. All Naruto sees behind the dark skin of his eyelids is Jiraiya's lifeless body plunging inside an endless body of water slated in gray.

He _can't_ \- isn't _allowed_ to feel anything else around his loss.

* * *

* * *

The persistent knocking at his door pulls him from his weakened conscious- he wasn't sleeping, he can't, the release of slumber is too kind, too good to be, it's a luxury Naruto isn't allowed. Not when his thoughts devour, consume whatever shadow is left of him, leaving behind a tangle of memories that come back in fragmented echoes and flashbacks.

Whoever is on the other side has not apparently gotten the memo that he is currently unavailable. Sakura and Kiba are the only ones who get in and out, and even their visits are scant. He's starting to push them away, now.

On the other side he finds Sai. There is but a beat of delay as the other teen takes in his appearance, he must look worse than he imagined.

Naruto distantly wonders how he might be wearing loss. If it shows, if it has eaten through his outside the way he can feel it chewing through the soft inside of his bones.

After a smidgen more of hesitation, Sai seems to find his footing and seemingly look past the shell his teammate has molded into.

"You missed every mission this week."

Wordlessly, Naruto closes the door in his face.

* * *

* * *

In the darkness all he sees is his anxious, overzealous ambitions taking shape, gaining form underneath his driven passion and the interminable hours of strain and effort he put in, and then losing it. Losing it all in the missed beat of a heart that ceased to pulse. Getting erased with the single-handed drive of unsounded hatred, the split-second action of putting an end to a good man's life.

This is unparalleled and abnormal, an event this calamitous shouldn't be allowed to exist. It feels too surreal, something that shouldn't have even been contemplated in the sheer possibility of a thought. He put a rift between himself and the world for this very reason, alienating himself from a reality he couldn't believe in, too unreal to exist.

How can Naruto be living when the first grasp of family he was latching to isn't anymore? How can he be living in this reality, in this world still, when it already shattered to infinitesimal shards?

It can't be.

They were supposed to keep traveling the world together, he has so much to see, so much to learn still, Jiraiya was supposed to teach him everything he knew. He had given him his word he would. He had _promised._ And Naruto had naively put every ounce of trust he possessed in his word, Naruto put every last bit of himself into this trust.

Because he wasn't _alone_ anymore.

Jiraiya took him under his wing, offered to train him, until one day he would be ready. Until one day Jiraiya would be sitting at the front row to see him crowning his lifelong dream, see him become Hokage, knowing it was because of him too, because he taught Naruto how to be, how to carry on, how to live- he taught him _everything._

And it wasn't _enough_ in the end.

How could this happen? Why did no one prevent it? How could anyone let it happen?

Being left behind was never contemplated, he can only think, as he stands alone once more. With blame knotting in his chest and paralyzing him, searing him to his hollow core, unable to do anything more but mourning the loss of a life, and mourning a life that could have been.

This was how it ended. An unforeseen conclusion that was never expected in the grand scheme of things, that was never supposed to happen- _how did it happen?_

How could it be that one of the strongest people he knew _lost_ a fight, lost _his life_ to it? It's impossible. Naruto is incapable of answering.

* * *

* * *

There's breakage beating in his eardrums. Naruto faintly sees the straight lines of hardwood, feels them beneath his hot temple and cheek and jaw, a scratching friction against soft tissue and bone. He can't stand. His legs refuse to carry him, to support his weight any longer. He doesn't know how he got here, doesn't know if it's his own mind playing games on him, doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't know how is he _still_ _alive._ _How is he breathing still?_

Did he close his fingers around it? Was it too soon? Did the glass shatter in his palm? Was it his fault- has it been his fault since the beginning? Could he have _stopped_ it?

Naruto is this, now, he is a shard of his glass world, cracked and spineless, with a soul that can never be stitched whole again.

With effort, he strains himself past the limit, undiscerningly reaching with his trembling fingers, nails digging down. He is looking for something- and realizes with benumbed shock that is over two months old, two months dead-... _he has nothing left to hold on to._

All he finds is the void of what once was. A fist of ashes around an extinguished fire, left to burn and burn and burn- but there is none left anymore; there is nothing _left._

The memory of him lingers like billowing smoke out of the wasted ashes, in the corners of his mind it's crisp, besmirched _._ That last afternoon, eating a meal together, talking, he was well, he was alive, his reassuring smile-

This… _cannot_ _be_ _happening._

It _can't._

Is he not coming back?

Because- because life is not supposed to work _like this,_ it's not supposed to be a perpetual spiral of _ruthlessness_. Naruto has lost his parents already, he never truly had a place to call _home,_ never really had someone who cared for him unconditionally, who put up with his antics and ambitions and dreams and fears and anger and bullshit, and never wanted him any less for it.

But with Jiraiya, he had, he did, he finally, _finally_ found it. A home. Care in its unconditional form. Knowing what it meant to have parents. What it meant to be part of a _family._

Only to be losing it all over again now. Why was he given all he had ever wanted and needed out of life, only for everything to be taken away from him now? It's not- it's not supposed to just _end_ like this… right?

The news comes back over and over again in his mind, like the singe of acid, a black and white vision wrapped around a needle of pain. Despite the summer heat, the glacial cold of her office seeping into his skin, Tsunade's dull eyes swimming in an endless ocean of gray that he is drowning in now, too. He was pleading with himself then, with his eyes as he searched her gaze, for it to not be true, for her to tell him it was all a lie, for her to take everything back. But she couldn't even stand the sight of him.

On the floor of his newly restored apartment Naruto is writhing, begging, _begging. He has to come back._ He can't just vanish this way. It doesn't _work_ like this.

He keeps crawling, struggles through it, and he is swallowing down the saltwater filling his throat, gnarling his vision, and tries to reach for something in the distance that doesn't exist now. Weak and malnourished, his body gives out underneath him. It tastes like the slaughter of defeat all over again.

"… _s-se-nninh_ …" In the flood of encompassing darkness he attempts to call out the moniker, the same one Jiraiya always told Naruto he detested, but in the end grew irremediably fond of- Naruto recalls it, the blotched memory, the glare of the sun sinking down the blaze of the afternoon, the crack of a joke, his expression as he called out to him, the comforting weight of his warm palm on his shoulder as he walked away from him one last time- but all that comes out is a strangled version of it stifled against the floorboards.

…it can't be real.

Jiraiya can't… be gone. He has to come back, he _has to._ Because Naruto is right here… Naruto is still here, waiting, and waiting, and _waiting_ _for him._


	24. Give In To The Lonely (here comes with no warning)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look like shit.” Sasuke remarks, blunt, showing up unannounced- _again_ \- in the thick of his grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how anyone can think of reading or writing or doing anything at all when [drivers license](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AfrtzN5fQ_4) dropped not even two weeks ago and it's been playing in a costant loop in my mind. one of the best bridges ever made I swear.
> 
> anyway. I've been fighting with this chapter for the last two weeks, rewrote it 10 times and I'm still not completely satisfied. probably gonna edit it over time.

The sun pours itself into another ending. The moon rips open the dead of a new night.

Nothing changes. Everything _already_ has.

Naruto lies motionless in bed, the pallor of his skin stained with the tangible weakness of dried over tears.

* * *

* * *

Loneliness gets… _intense._ More so than he has ever known. It blends into one of the multifarious shadows lurking in the dread, in the shape of unseen monsters he used to fear as a child, and still fears now. He is left to struggle through it, toss and turn into it. But strength is an outlying concept he can’t concretize now, so he’s losing again.

He doesn’t want to be alone- he loathes the sole idea of it. But what he can’t truly stand is being around anyone else, only to see a slice of his pain reflected in their stares like a diluted mirror when they lay their eyes on this broken version of him.

* * *

* * *

He doesn’t think he can remember what he used to fight for.

And part of him doesn’t want to anymore. Because, somehow, that stretch of his life tastes like the smoulder of betrayal, and he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want anything, _anything_ but going back to before he lost the one thing he has ever really known.

His memory of him is all he has left; he is slowly, _slowly,_ coming to grasp, a realization in the makings still. And Naruto is paralyzed by it. He is too afraid to break it, to destroy it between his clasped fingers, to shatter it too.

As if it were an innocent picture standing the test of time, he tries to keep it as far away as he can. Like a suppressed, childish fear he got on his tiptoes for, locking it up on the highest shelf, somewhere too tall for him to reach. Because if he takes hold of it, if he opens it up, if he unveils it and lets himself get absorbed in it, he will only get dragged under another tidal bore.

And he cannot touch it, now, he cannot see it, or listen to it, or do anything that would lead to him inexorably _ruining_ it. Ruining _him_ in a way his very death hasn’t already.

He cannot possibly dare to breathe around it.

* * *

* * *

“You look like shit.” Sasuke remarks, blunt, showing up unannounced- _again-_ in the thick of his grief --only Naruto is now acutely aware of the plight he is in-- his voice is layered, but Naruto can barely distinguish through his own emotions, let alone try and play catch up with his. “My bad, there really was no way to sugarcoat it.”

He cranes his neck just enough to settle a withering glare on his casually slouched form over the windowsill.

“I’d ask how you’ve been, but… that’s pretty much written all over your face.”

A flicker of something hot and known bruises against his ribcage, coming alive amid the death and despair and emptiness that’s taken residence inside him.

Only to snuff out like a dying flame immediately after. 

“Leave.” Naruto whispers. And it’s apathetic, above anything else.

He doesn’t have the energy to be any more accusing, and can’t muster enough to handle whichever vexing scheme or facade Sasuke plans to throw his way.

There is a stroke of silence that draws out, far too loud between them.

“I told you already, I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

Naruto ignores him.

How can he possibly consider this apparition of him- which might be nothing but an equation of the byproducts of his sucky mind- when his mentor is _gone,_ when he is nothing but a lost phantasm placed somewhere he can’t reach, now.

He doesn’t want to listen to Sasuke anymore. He doesn’t want to see him, to deal with him any longer. Because he can’t take it. No more of this, he pleads and threatens himself at once. _No more._

Naruto shuts his eyes tight, wishing with everything he has, which amounts to a pitiful nothingness, for him to be _gone_ too.

* * *

* * *

Naruto doesn't fully remember what went down with Pain. It’s all scrapes and morsels, bits and pieces too bleary and bleak to recognize or tell apart.

And, truthfully, it all feels like the worst game of mind fuckery he has ever been subjected to. Which is why that specific day is one big, great vacuum where the reminders of it are siphoned, frozen below the surface- so _close_ he can almost touch them, yet never really able to breach into the light.

It’s a corroded tape he keeps rewinding on an endless loop, but all it does is come to a lull on that precise moment in time where all went lost, the ruptured circle of his thoughts drains around it- the day of his passing, the sombre pain etched in her countenance, Tsunade’s stoic behavior betrayed by her downcast gaze, and himself standing shocked out of words- only, this time, _blaming_ her, blaming _them,_ wanting them to take every word back, to take every ounce of pain back, to take every single day he gave, to subvert this whole system built on murder and lies and subterfuge and make it _untrue-_

Slowly, he shifts his weight to his other side, letting his pillow and sheets smother him. Naruto doesn't want to think anymore.

  
  


* * *

* * *

For the first time, Naruto stops forcing himself to smile.

* * *

* * *

He’s unsure how much time he has been cooped up inside, but restlessness has seeped so deep down his bones he can’t shake it out until he is forced to crawl out of his apartment.

The brisk chill hits him at once when he steps into the bold air of the night, with humidity abating and giving room to the cold that laps at his cheeks almost soothingly. It’s an aimless walk, he simply wanders around town with nothing better to do to fill the dregs of time, burrowed into himself and unconsciously uneasy at the smattering of people around. He isn’t exactly taking notice of them, or anything around him, really. It’s all smoke on mirrors.

But he starts taking heed of his feet carrying him toward familiar paths, as if lit up by unseen threads, as if the memories are slowly clicking into place, fitting one by one. When Naruto lifts his head again, he finds himself standing right outside the newly built establishment of Ichiraku.

And he is reminded, he had been so cautiously reluctant that day. It had felt so sickeningly _wrong_ to come back here with Iruka. Because, before then, the last time he was here he had been with his mentor. Because even if rarely, and only when he was in the village, this became one of the spots they used to go to.

Naruto used to think of this place with wondrous, endless naivete. He used to think, in a warm way, that after so much time spent here, after all the experiences, after witnessing how it brought people together, that a small, minuscule part of it all also had to _belong_ to him. But if it ever did, he lost this too.

It feels close to a sacrilege, stepping foot here again now… now that he _knows._ It feels like breaking a promise in two, so much so that something breaks inside him alongside it as he pushes himself to step in, pushing past the phantom walls of his reminiscing.

The suffused light and inviting smell and remembered warmth of a place as closely familiar as his own memories erases him a little.

“We’re clos-” Teuchi pauses at the counter when he notices him standing at the entrance. And even if Naruto knows this restaurant like the back of his hand, he now looks more lost than ever standing there like a stranger, with arms crossed over his frame as if holding himself up and together, and barely succeeding in doing so.

* * *

“Here.” The old man places his usual in front of him, with that same kind-heartedness he has always shown him, one of the few who has always welcomed him when no one else would.

Only his smile is dimmed tonight, as if he knows the black hole Naruto is entrapped in. And maybe he does, no one else seems to, and there simultaneously is something so incredibly painful and yet validating about someone else being a _ware_ almost as much as he is.

Naruto manages a nod, thankful for a myriad of things he can’t express out loud.

Before leaving him to his meal, Teuchi squeezes his shoulder once, in a comforting gesture that is, most of all, fatherly. And Naruto finds himself blinking back heavy mist as the thought of Jiraiya suddenly pierces him- as if he actually ceased for even the split of a _second_ to think of him.

He is quick to drop his head, pushing back the burst of emotions that leaves him scalded and hurting that bit deeper. His watery stare lands in front of the same bowl of ramen he used to love so much and ordered hundreds of times over the years.

For whatever reason, in the present moment he recalls himself sitting on that lonely bench after the destabilizing news, with a twin-popsicle dripping to the ground and a world severed in half, with hopeless teardrops streaming down his blank face and trying to make sense of it all, work around an unfathomable loss all alone before Iruka came to sit beside him. He had been stuck between two lines: _it can't be_ and _I’m sorry._

He wonders if Jiraiya-

"Stop.” He suddenly tells himself with a fragile firmness, as if it will refrain the plethora of hurt from surfacing back. _“…stop."_ He whispers to himself, like waging on a war that’s already been lost.

But _nothing_ will stop it. Nothing will.

He’s roughly wiping the back of his hand against his swollen eyelids and clumped lashes, finding the wet proof glistening on his paler skin when his hand comes away. 

He can’t do this.

“I...” Naruto slowly shakes his head to himself. His mouth is a compressed line, his eyes won’t stop glazing over, lungs spent, features crumbling like rubble. “…I'm so _s-sorry.”_

The words have been ringing inside him again and again, over and over. Since the day he lost him. An empty husk of his greatest failure lies at his feet; with everything he is, he wasn’t enough to prevent it.

But his mentor is not here to hear it. His meaningless apology now goes to waste.

…what is he doing out here?

What is he even trying to accomplish by coming here?

What was he trying to prove?

Before the old man is out of the kitchen, Naruto has already taken his leave.

Teuchi comes back to see the vacant spot he occupied seconds prior, the untouched chopsticks and the bowl of ramen still steaming. A concerned frown wrinkles his expression.

* * *

* * *

The hurt that grief brings is unimaginable. Indescribable. Every single word this world is made of in the end still wouldn't be enough, or capable of truly conveying what loss is, and what loss does. How it has tainted every nook and cranny of his life, reached every hidden and exposed corner of him, muting his feelings, emotions, and whatever grows and perishes outside of them. But despite his life being a gold mine for adversity, despite always feeling himself being the butt of the joke, the last one getting picked, the deadlast, despite having very, very little choice in this cruel fucking existence, he never- _never_ before had to survive anything this damaging. Nothing ever touched him to this degree.

This is the kind of pain that shatters people’s souls.

 _…and it’s_ _unbearable._

* * *

* * *

_“Naruto!”_

The searing water sprays in a downpour over his bowed silhouette, clothes sticking uncomfortably to his sweat cold skin.

His forearms and knees are littered with decorations of half moon marks, from sinking his short nails in his breakable skin in hopes to drown out the ripples of hurt with a fresh wave of physical pain, but nothing works. The water pooling at his feet turns a faint hint of rose, as if streaked with innocuous paint. 

Sakura is punching against the door, his name resounds as a desperate, repeated call. It adds to the cavernous pit in his chest, blame swallows all around it.

How selfish, how foolish, wanting to seek even a glimpse of refuge when in his core he knows how hopelessly useless it all is. A safe place to escape in doesn’t exist anymore.

_“…Naruto- Naruto… please…”_

Naruto remains motionless, skin clammy with scalding water and sweat and the buildup of tears covering his scrunched lids. His body is one big muscle mass seizing. The weight of loss is so oppressively overwhelming he will irrevocably end up crushed underneath.

* * *

* * *

The rise of the day is just pulling across the horizon when Naruto drags himself to the Hokage monument, slowly making his way up. He used to do this quite often when he was younger, but most of that is locked away too, a frozen sequence of his life he can’t open up right now.

Once upon a time this place used to be beautiful, so astonishingly freeing, and his. But now it’s just a bottom line, another ending. 

There is a strange, atypical calmness that has only begun to wash over him. It’s skintight and uncomfortable and ugly, but it’s barely beating under his skin, almost undetectable.

On his way, he watches the fragmented, blurred memories play in reverse across the stark painting of the faraway horizon, they come back in black and white, in flashes and echoes, and he watches focused, like he would watch a film reel playing across a silver screen.

Somehow, he is watching so intently he starts seeing double.

And then he sees nothing at all. 

What was once so important to him, what was so essential he needed like a heart needs an incessant pulse, now has melted into an indiscernible fog. Just a string of words fit together, sentences without meaning, letters vacant of sense.

Only a faded, idealistic mirage shaded against the lightening canvas of the sky and the still inexistent sun rising inside it.

This is... not home.

It's _not_ home, he knows. It can’t be anymore.

Trying to make-believe it still was only made it worse, and there’s a selfish little voice inside his mind that asks him the truth with unceremonious cruelty, that’s asking, _why did he do this to himself?_

And he is asking it back, _but what can you do when a house doesn't feel like a home anymore?_

Naruto wishes, he so desperately, so wretchedly _wishes,_ someone would give him the answer to that.

He sits cross-legged now atop the rocky surface of the landmark, hunched, as if his spine has been splintered from a fathomless burden, wearing old sweats, wearing a thin cotton t-shirt and goosebumps. The heat of the dawn greets him with an unanticipated freeze that is almost welcome. Naruto retracts his bare arms inside the sockets of his shirt and curls them cold around his stomach, his distorted form a mere dot in the distance.

His complexion is slowly washed alight as he stares at the chalky golden of the brightening sky almost obstinately, and against the first glare of the rising rays, his eyes are surprisingly dry for once as he barely squints, and watches in replay the past of two lives- Jiraiya’s and the hopes he had about his own- dissolve.

In the end, his life was a world kept in balance by the bridges he built. And now he watches the first bridge burn, dissolve into the flames.

Despite the fact he never truly stopped being one... Naruto feels like an orphan all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...it killed me to write that last line.  
> 
> 
> [ me while writing this whole chapter like:](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S-LKvZHoUAI)
> 
> In case anyone is interested in knowing how I've set up this thing inside my head:
> 
> This story is divided in the 5 stages of grief (plus possibly 1 more at the end?). 
> 
> The stages end with the acceptance, but I actually view the chapters that come after the acceptance as a real stage too.
> 
> Each of the stages is also divided into arcs. There have been 2 arcs until now. Chapter 1 to chapter 10. And chapter 11 to chapter 21.
> 
> Chapter 21 is the end of the 1^ stage, but a more 'reasonable' denial sets in for a couple of chapters before stage 2 begins. I think I'm always going to leave a few 'unstaged' chapters in between stages, I don't want to jump from one to the other right away. But stage 2 is gonna be one big whole arc and it's going to get... pretty intense, sometimes.
> 
> I'll say it again, even though this is highlighted by stages, that doesn't mean Naruto follows them blindly, in fact he will go through them all at once too. Example: anger is actually present throughout almost the entirety of this story.
> 
> Please, please, please, remember that grief is different for everyone. There's no right way of going through it at all. These last chapters, this last part is the shock once the dust settles on the ground, it's going through the motions while feeling paralyzed as time slips away through your fingertips, it's feeling alien to your surroundings and inside your own skin as if you can't recognize what made your life yours anymore. And this is only part of my experience of it, I'll never think or say it's the same for everyone else, because it is not. So please do not take these stages, or any other one as a guide or lifeline, some people go through every stage, some through four, some through three, some through two, some through only one and some through none at all. The stages were just important for me to include into this story because they make sense to _me_ and what I feel, but to someone else it could be completely different.
> 
> Again. There is no 'right' way to feel grief. And that is very much okay. People are different and everyone experiences pain differently. And every experience is valid, please remember that.
> 
> Next chapter begins Stage II: Anger.  
> 


	25. Capsize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you-"
> 
> "Yeah. I'm fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **mentioned unhealthy coping mechanisms**

**Stage II: Anger**

_**‘It is important to feel the anger without judging it, without attempting to find meaning in it. It may take many forms: anger at the health-care system, at life, at your loved one for leaving.** _

_**Life is unfair. Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss.’** _

**_**\- Elizabeth-Kubler Ross and David Kessier From 'On Grief and Grieving'** _ **

* * *

  
  


Naruto runs up to the rest of his newfound team, breathing heavily, grinning big at them.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm here!" He apologizes for his lateness, bending over, hands on the jutting bones of his knees to catch his breath.

The wide and toothy smile he shows them pulls on the newly formed reddish mark adorning his cheek.

Kakashi throws him a glance over the book’s hard cover grasped in his palm. "Mah, youngsters these days, don’t you know that being chronically late means being chronically rude?"

"You're the last person who can berate him for that, Kakashi-sensei… you literally just arrived!" Sakura exclaims pointedly and slightly exasperated, before regarding him with a disapproving stare, brows furrowed with a hint of concern. "And you're always so clumsy."

Naruto apologizes, rubbing the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle under Sakura and Kakashi's superficial chastising, which doesn't last more than usual as it turns into Sakura starting to scold their teacher for one thing or another, seamlessly falling back into a brand and quickly establishing routine as they walk toward the loadwork of the day.

But once their attention is elsewhere, after having their backs turned to him, Naruto drops his hand down to his side. Fingers twitching from the way they want to curl into fists. 

The easygoing grin drops frighteningly quick from his face.

His eyes narrow minutely and he scrutinizes the only other person in his team, who didn't utter a single vowel, with circumspect. Expression muting into something too sharp, too out of place spreading across the soft features of an eleven year old.

Kakashi and Sakura brushed it off, as they tend to do. But Sasuke doesn't break the stare off just yet, reciprocating the treatment, dissecting every shade of his behavior from the corner of his eyes.

 _This is not supposed to happen._ Naruto stifles the beginnings of a frown.

Sasuke is starting to notice the bruises.

  
  
  


**.**

**.**

**.**

  
  
  


Naruto had taken to pacing the sleeplessness off, this franticness scaling between the threaded fibers of his muscles and suffusing into his bloodstream, doing so for long enough he feels he might decimate the floor with every fitful footmark he’s crossing over.

He is in overload, surcharged and about to crash. Every angle of his room he has ploughed, every slant of his mind he has dismantled, it's all the same. A maze of remembrance he doesn't want to step in, doesn't want to be beguiled into.

But his brain won't shut off- _he doesn't want to think anymore._

Cornered, it's this minacious restlessness that has him suddenly springing the door to his room open, stepping out into the hallway, fumbling towards the entrance of his apartment, rushing, _rushing._

Sakura and Kiba, who had been hushedly conversing by the kitchen, promptly stand at the clutter of noise he is leaving behind himself.

"Naruto-"

"I'm going to the hospital." Naruto asserts, blunt and uncaring of any subsequent response.

As soon as he finds himself outside, he is stepping right beneath a blistering midday sun that could split rocks open. Naruto doesn't remember the last time he was out in the daylight. He shields his eyes from the fierceness of it, dizzy, as blurry dots across his vision fuel a throbbing headache.

He doesn't let it deter him from his self-appointed mission, however, blinking wetly and squinting into the day as he marches forward. 

Exceedingly and acutely aware of the presence of others, he tries to stay out of anyone's way and expects the same treatment in turn- except for two specific people, who have taken to following him without reserve.

"Are you-"

"Yeah. I'm fine." Naruto cuts through their fretfulness a little too forcefully, accelerating his step. His whole demeanor begs to differ.

Kiba and Sakura shadow him to the hospital, refusing to let him be on his own. And while he could have appreciated the sentiment behind it months ago, now all Naruto wants to do is shout his contempt. To scream at them that he wants to be left alone, to waste up his lungs doing so-- but he bites his tongue and holds on to the scathing words instead.

  
  
  


* * *

The single reason Naruto is choosing to sear his respiratory system by breathing in antiseptic and reliving tragedy is one person only, his sole _outside_ to this reality. But he finds out Jii-Jii's condition has worsened in his absence, and is now taking the pitfall of it like he did with Jiraiya- the first sucker punch of shock, a surface level hurt that barely began, claws slowly sinking in.

He had stayed in the bleak room with him, sat beside him, staying after visiting hours. Watching the fragile rise and fall of his sternum dragging over slow beats and asking himself if it might stop with him in the room, eyes fixed on the wearisome pulse hidden in layers of withering skin and wrinkled sheets. Until he couldn't take much more of the spiraling thoughts.

He had taken to pacing, again, only a much larger stretch of hallway. Which had taken him to walk off an unfamiliar path. Naruto is not supposed to be in this wing of the hospital, he realizes, after glimpsing around the corner a dead end, and people wearing melancholy like an old favorite sweater faded by the hands of time.

There is a family at the hospital. They’re huddled together, they're awaiting news of a loved one.

Sakura had explained it to him, once. Instead of open waiting rooms or patients’ rooms, people are ushered into a more private space where they are given the news. Naruto could guess which kind.

"-there is nothing else we can do." The medic on call ends with an even tone. Flat. Professional. 

And then, then comes the biggest, worst fabrication of them all. 

"I'm sorry." 

And that’s it. 

The stranger gets to walk away. To move on to the next patient. Their history and life sequence a string of numbers and diagnosis. Gets to _move on_ and still have a life. Gets to move on without repercussions.

While the people he walked out on are stuck with their lives coming apart in shambles, plunged into the paralyzing clutches of an all consuming grief.

There is a family at the hospital. They’re huddled together, they're crying a loved one.

And Naruto is there, too. Stuck outside the clutches of their grief, but paralyzed inside his own all the same.

He wonders, asks himself, if his mentor had been torn away from him due to a fatal illness, or if he had lost him any other way than the one he did... would that have changed anything at all?

The desperate taste of horror constricting his throat, the cavernous pit inside his chest swallowing around him, the hollow remains of his world burnt to shreds and fractured to glass shards. This neverending _helplessness._

Death is a tragedy in its own right; but it can be made especially bitter by circumstance.

Naruto thinks about this as he realizes he is getting crushed underneath the weight.

Naruto thinks about this as he realizes he never stopped. 

All the conundrums he has carried, as if they were his own to battle, as if they were his to _solve._ And they amassed, growing exponentially and oppressively, the ills of the world spread into an illness he has shouldered throughout the years.

_He can’t help._

_He can't do anything._

This detrimental realization he is forced, shocked into facing now, is a dead end all on its own.

_...He can't save anyone._

Naruto gradually sinks down the solid weight pressed to his back, a numbing wall permeated in tragedy. Cold tears brim the rim of his vision, both trembling hands held against his mouth, stifling himself of even the faintest or anguished noise that could escape him. Mourning the loss of a stranger's irreplaceable life coming to an unfair ending alongside the family that will be left behind, unable to do anything to prevent the death of their loved one from taking place.

  
  


* * *

  
  


And then…

...and then the atypical calm, ugly in the way it sits so unpredictably inside of him, so silently in the way he feels it clotting under his skin like a disease; now it beats like a heart with a pulse.

The broken remains of his world are shifting again- and here it comes. The next, abrupt shift. 

  
  


* * *

The first vitreous spark of unalloyed rage bites into the last tendrils of denial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Capsize](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDEUNh_kOIc), where the title comes for this and the last chapter. Believe it or not it's also where the summary comes from. (this song is an actual, extraordinary masterpiece and everyone needs and deserves to hear it at least once in their life, you can't go on without it)
> 
> So. Here's the sitch. My computer crashed and it can't be fixed. This story is all saved up (literally was my biggest concern oh my God), but until the new one arrives I can't write much of anything because I can't access the file (this one chapter was typed from my phone, all from my memory- which, I won't lie, is pretty sucky). So, I'm sorry, it's why it took me so long to update this one and it's why updates will be kind of slow for a while.  
> Okay, I'm done.  
> Stay safe and healthy!


End file.
